Something is Missing

The speaker is reflecting on their current life and feeling that something is missing. They acknowledge that everything is as they imagined, with unexpected blessings and experiences, but they still feel like they are just "doing time." They explain that they are living in the present and keeping things simple, focusing on their basic needs and taking supplements for health. They mention the importance of being in tune with the present moment and not worrying about the future. They discuss their therapy sessions and the desire for a new experience that they would love and be fully present in. They express the need to let go of old patterns and not rush into creating a structure or settling for something that isn't truly fulfilling. They mention the difficulty in expressing themselves around certain people and the importance of maintaining a level of aloofness and anonymity. They recognize that they are a work in progress and are actively working on themselves. Overall, they emphasize t I keep getting the feeling that something is not quite right. I mean it's exactly as it's supposed to be. It's exactly as I imagined, in a sense. There have been extra things I couldn't have imagined. Wonderful gift, blessing, experiences to make life easier for me. To make me absolutely know I can do this without having to rely on the system. Without having to earn money, even though I actually do earn a little bit. All of it makes me feel like I can do this. I can live this life this way. Now, I don't know what the future holds. Everything changes, unexpected things occur. But in a sense, it feels like something isn't right. I felt like I was holed up in the room in London, that I was just doing time. I felt this before and I've talked about it before. Just doing time. And I figured that I just have to do time because at some point it will change. And at some point it did. And I'm now here. And I'm still doing time. It's different. It's nicer in many ways. It's easier in some ways. But it's still doing time. Not living. I'm being. So there's no forward action. There's no plan. I'm not trying to get somewhere. I'm simply just being here in the present. Keeping it simple. Keeping it going. Doing what I need to do. One thing at a time. Day by day by day. Technically it's what we're all doing. But I'm not in the future. I'm not worried about the future in a sense. It's like there is no... I can't imagine a future. There's only the present. So I don't think about it really. I just do what I do. The only future I sort of become aware of is what time will I be at the place to get the thing. To get breakfast. To get supper. To go to the shop. Those sort of practical moments of being aware of time. But in between that, in a sense, there is no time. I do what I want. I can choose to do it however I want. And because I understand how important being simple is, that's what I choose. And I just keep it simple. I watch things. I eat things. I walk. I drink. I take supplements. Vitamin D, Vitamin C. Makes it much easier. Vitamin D is essential. Not much sun down here until next spring shortly. And even if there is, not much of your body comes out when it's chilly. And Vitamin C, it's actually quite difficult to get decent fresh Vitamin C. But yet very easy and cheap. Very cheap to get Vitamin C supplements which provide me with everything I need every day. Really easily. I don't have to buy stuff. I don't have to be disappointed or enjoy. Yes, I'll still have some fruit, of course. But I don't have to have it in order for nutritional to have a certain amount. And that means that I'm giving my body, making my body healthy if having put on a little bit of weight which has definitely helped to deal with the cold. Last night was chilly. It was down to 6 degrees centigrade. It was about 9 degrees in the van. But I was warm within my four layers and in the sleeping bag. I was warm. I'm not sleeping so well. It's not because of temperature. Not exactly sure why. So I'm reading a lot. But I don't mind that. It's peaceful. It's quiet. I've got earplugs in. So it's absolutely silent. And it's what I do. So I'm just doing what it is I naturally do. There isn't anything I'm not doing that I should be doing or ought to be doing or must do. Everything gets done. Everything I do so that I can just be. I spend time with Eliza. I spend time with Kay. I'm a part of a meditation group. And these are just moments that fill in time, that use time differently. And it's nice to break things up that way. But in between I'm just being here. And I'm not trying to say, Oh wow, I've achieved something, it's something special. Maybe it is. But it doesn't feel like that. Because in a sense it never finishes. It's like it's not done. I'm not done. OK, I've got there. Great, you've got there. Now what? Well, I'm just going to be here. OK, good. And then what? I don't know. It feels like something's missing. Maybe I had to get here first in order to find out what that is. In order to experience it. In order to want something I currently don't. Or have, see an opportunity for something I currently don't. And move towards it because it feels like exactly what was missing. Maybe. I don't know. I can't decide anything. I can only be here in this moment. What does it actually mean to be in this moment? Is it wonderful? Am I in heaven? I just am. Here. And in this moment speaking explaining sharing Later, I've got meditation. Tomorrow morning, I have therapy. Each of those things, I will feel different. Everything will be different. How I am will be, is dependent on who I'm with. What's going on. What I'm aware of. With my therapist, I can talk about anything. And maybe some of this will come up in some form. Existential observation. And she happens to be an existential psychotherapist. So it works really, if I get existential. It feels like something is missing. Like there's something not in my present that I'm not experiencing that if I were, I would love. And because there's something for me to experience that I would love and I'm not experiencing that it feels like it's missing. Because essentially everything is happening here and now. Right? So therefore, that already exists. I just am not in tune with it. I'm not aligned with it. I'm not at its frequency so that it actually exists for me. And I'm aware of it. Maybe that's what's missing. So it's interesting to speculate hmm to speculate to open to it to talk about it just in case that helps. Because if it helps to make what's missing what's not seen obvious present then that must be good. But I don't know what it is. I can't I can't put a structure around it what it should look like. Oh it should look like this. It must involve this person or or this kind of experience. I've done all that before. Doesn't work. Absolutely isn't the right way of dealing with that feeling. So not putting a structure around it is a big difference. To feel I remember in the first fan I felt something was missing. And then I decided what that ought to look like what that could look like. And made something happen. Something happened and I went towards it and all of the experiences that I had with the people that I subsequently had relationships with none of whom none of them exist for me now. It was all just smoke and mirrors. Experience, life that teaches necessary, perhaps especially if you're getting it wrong if you're making mistakes if you're not following your passion etc. etc. and then it's hopefully like going to any advanced class you pass. You learn and you pass. So you don't have to take it again. You move on. Whatever's next. Perhaps you're ready for what comes next. What comes next couldn't come next because I wasn't ready. So perhaps it's nearer and that's why I can feel it. And in a sense it's almost like I miss it even though I don't know what it is and I've not experienced it I miss it because it's something that I know if I experienced I would love. And I want to experience things I love. I want to feel love. Be in love. Be loving. Be so present in a loving state that nothing else matters. And I'm having moments of it. I kind of have moments of experiencing a feeling that reminds me of that but can't, don't am not able to expand it. Can't rush it. It has to come in its own time. I have to become a person capable of recognising what it is in its own time. I can't make it happen faster than it is. I can't at any moment fall into the trap because I've done that too of deciding I know something and then off I go with it. It's like I'm avoiding deciding to create a structure that I think resembles the thing because the moment I do it's almost like I would eliminate I would actually stop something I can't imagine that's still coming. I've settled for something. This will do. There it is. Good enough. And it might even feel like that for a bit. It has before. And then it isn't. It reveals itself to be smoke and mirrors again. But it was just temptation. Just an idea that I suddenly took as if it was real and then put all my energy into making it real. And then thinking that it was real because that's what I was doing and for a while it seemed like it might even be real. But then it revealed itself again not to be and it never was. It was all just an illusion. A delusion. Right? So if there has been some shift for me then it must be that anything that seems to be the thing that I just suddenly grab could grab can't be it. It can't be it. It would just be another version of that that has come before. Different circumstance, different people, different moment but the same feelings would be generated the same circle would be gone around. That this time it has to be new. Completely new. Something that's not been experienced before. Something I haven't had felt known. Something that once found cannot be lost. There's no going back. There's no before. There's only now. With this. This newness. This expansion. Because that's the only thing that could be missing. I could use a word like God but that would only be confusing. We both see, understand that word differently even though we both we are aware of the fact that there is more to it. So we both see the fact that there is more to it. As soon as I start to label something I'm limiting it by what I'm able to understand of it. But it would be something like that. It would have to be something like that. Something that just was real. That's the best I can come up with. That's what I'm doing. That's where I am. At least in this moment as I'm speaking about it. And when I go to my thing later when I go back into the world and I'm around people, some of whom I'm familiar with they are familiar with me and we do a very familiar thing and a conversation or two might happen and some laughter might take place and at some point I will return to this space where once in I let go of the world I do my thing no one sees I am private but I am accepted whatever I'm doing, whatever he's doing they're okay with it whatever they think they know they're sort of right but they're also not right and I'm okay with that because I don't have to be obvious. That also helps me feel freer than immediately conforming to some idea of who I think I am because of how I projected myself out to others and I don't really do that anymore I find myself, especially when I'm around the homeless people and the people that I have breakfast around and pick up supper from where they are that I can be only a very pale shadow figure that I can't express myself I can't be myself it doesn't feel right and I wouldn't really know I wouldn't really want to do it because in some ways I am happier where I just come there and have the thing and then go I can't connect, I don't want to form more, they're not my brothers we're not friends, we're not mates it's not a community it's just people who are damaged and broken and in many cases turning to alcohol and drugs to numb it so I'm not trying to save them I'm not trying to become their friend I'm not trying to be included in what it is people do I do this and I have to do it alone and so I feel a bit weird sometimes I think I've talked about this as well I'm still a work in progress I'm still observing myself in those situations I'm trying to be real and authentic in moments where some conversation some interaction takes place and only with certain people then that happens and then only for a while I must kind of maintain an aloofness an anonymity so that I don't complicate my life by having people wanting to spend time with me any more than I am allowing it to happen and only very specific people I am happy to spend time with and life only lets that take place in very specific moments so I'm not overwhelmed which will easily happen so I have to be careful in this state of whatever it is I have to be careful not to connect to things that in a sense are part of the past are part of the old and actually would hold me back whatever that means I don't need those things any more I don't want those things any more I don't know if people are part of what I'm talking about like I said I have let go of belief and definition and my mind imagining things from feeling that I realise is just imagination I've just stopped doing it I catch myself if I do do it and so as part of my practice to not do it when you catch yourself doing something that you're attempting not to do slowly but surely you stop just takes time and I'm not there yet I'm still exhibiting and I still recognise I experience old patterns sometimes but I'm more aware of them when they appear and I'm ready to sort of catch them or I'm able to dissipate them when they do it's a process it's a practice that's my work my job has always been to work on myself isn't it interesting I think we're all doing this I don't think I'm unique it's just that what I'm doing and how I'm doing is different in many ways but that's what I'm doing and I just have to have somewhere to support myself That's all I have