2024-06-22 how honest can I be?

The speaker explains that they find it easier to speak authentically and honestly through recordings rather than in real life. They feel limited by timing and anxiety when speaking in person. They upload the recordings to a podcast site and share them only with a friend. The speaker feels a connection to their friend when making the recordings, even though the friend can't hear them yet. They don't mind if others listen to the recordings on the podcast site, but they don't expect any feedback or connection from it. The speaker believes it is important for them to speak their truth and finds it meaningful to record their thoughts out loud. They have learned not to share everything they record and have gained more freedom to be authentic. They no longer feel anxious about sharing and understand that they don't need validation from others. The act of speaking and expressing themselves is what matters to them. The recordings allow the speaker to explore topics spontaneously. Every time I speak, every time I make one of these recordings, I'm practicing speaking the truth, being authentic, revealing myself, and that I am being as honest as I can be, I don't have to try, it isn't hard, I just am honest. I can't talk like this in real life, I don't exactly know why, I've considered it, some of it is to do with timing, some of it is to do with a state of anxiety, uncomfortable at revealing myself in a way that somehow doesn't come out in a way that feels clear. And real, like this does. So, this is the only way, at least at this time, at least for the most part, it is possible for me to speak like this in the world, but very rarely. So at this time, this is the only way I get to do it. And I'm not sure I would do it if I didn't have someone to share it with, or a way to share it. Now I upload it to the podcast site, where technically anyone can listen who goes there, and I send, I usually send you a link so that you can. I don't send a link to anybody else, there isn't really anybody else I would send a link to. And often, when I'm actually making these recordings, there's a part of me that feels like I am actually talking to you. Even though I know you can't hear this yet, in a sense I know that you will. I don't really care if anybody on the podcast site listens, although I have been surprised now and again at noticing that they have. But it's not something that connects anything, because while someone can comment, no one ever does. So there's no connection being made as a result of what's being heard. So I realise, I recognised this a long time ago, that it is important for me to do this. It's why I take the opportunity to do it when I am inspired. When something suddenly comes that I can look at without knowing what I'll discover, I do it in the circumstances that are appropriate, meaning this moment. Because it could be very revelatory for me, but also it's just the act of speaking like this out loud. If I just do it inside my head, if I don't actually record it so it can never be shared, it has very little meaning. Yes, it's possible I might still have a realisation about something, but it's much less likely. And often, because I can listen back to what I've said, especially if it feels like it's been extremely relevant to do so, I get to hear it in a way that I could never hear it when I'm saying it. It seems to be important. It seems to be important for me, and I suspect it would be important for anyone who never really gets the opportunity to speak their truth. People don't generally realise how important it is to speak the truth. Most people don't. They may not know what the truth is, but they're always speaking in the world and they're doing it behind a mask. They're not necessarily revealing themselves. They're playing a game. There's tactics. They say this to this person and they say that to the other, and they would never say the same thing if they were both present at the same time. It's very complicated. I used to experience this when I was attempting to be me in the world. I would struggle to be me with somebody else. If I was with somebody, one-on-one, then I would be an authentic version of me, but it would be coloured by who I was speaking to. If I then spent time with somebody else who I also felt I could be the authentic me with, it would be ever so slightly different. I might be talking about the same thing, but it would come out in a slightly different way because of the difference between who I am amongst someone else. That's not an easy thing to deal with because it creates the idea of fragmentation. I wanted something that was whole, that I could just have a sense of authenticity that didn't change regardless of where I was or who I was with. I have definitely transcended much of that, but it's not perfect. I do notice from time to time that there is still an element of masking going on. There is a much greater freedom not to mask at all, so I can see that there has been improvement. This may help because it reminds me of what it feels like to speak authentically and honestly, but not everything I speak, not everything I record, I instantly share. I don't think that's a problem. I don't think that everything I say is of great significance. Sometimes it is just the act of speaking that is all I needed, sometimes. But if it happens to be good, whatever that might mean, then it's shareable. It could be that I don't need to overthink it like this really, that I could just share anything and it's okay. But I still have to feel comfortable with it. It wasn't that long ago, maybe eight years ago, five, eight years ago, where I would be terribly anxious if I shared something. I would feel very vulnerable because I was clearly needing a certain reaction, a certain reflection, and I wasn't sure whether I was going to get it, and it really bothered me until I did. And even if I didn't get it, it would bother me until at least I knew. That doesn't make any sense. There's no reason to do it that way. If I'm not comfortable with what I've said, don't share it. It just seems straightforward now. But back then I felt some kind of compulsion that I've written it, I've spoken it, I have to share it. If I don't do that, I'm not closing the loop. I'm not grounding it. Yes, that created quite a bit of issue for me. So, because I don't really share things in that way, when I do share them, when I just put it out there where it doesn't really matter who might read it or listen to it, I have no idea who they are and I'm not trying to get them to, it's not a problem. It's not a problem. It doesn't matter. I'd still welcome a reaction, a reflection, a comment, a response, but if it did come, it would be unexpected, not looked for. So there's no, there's never anything missing. Like any artist, I have to create something that I'm happy with, not that someone else should be happy with. I'm not doing it for anyone else. I'm doing it for me because it's the right thing to do, because it's honest and real and I have to experience what that feels like because mostly on a day-to-day basis I don't get involved in that with people. I'm not connecting with people. I don't have the time to have deep, meaningful, slowly explored conversations. It never happens. It just doesn't happen and I don't try to make it happen. The recording idea has such a freedom to it for me that in the right circumstances I can spontaneously feel the need to explore something and immediately start doing so without having to set anything up or arrange anything. I'm in the right place and I can just start doing it so it's at its most authentic. I don't have to think about it. I don't have to prepare. I don't have to try to find the right time. I can just do it. I can get it out. I can express it and then it's done and then it's finished. I can stop it, put it down, carry on with what I was doing. It's as if it doesn't matter anymore. It exists. I have it. I can do something with it but not now. I don't have to do it right now which is another thing I used to do. I used to feel like, right, I finished it, momentum, got to get it up, I got to send it, I got to put it, I got to share it, I got to do it, I must do it. It's like I couldn't rest until I'd done it because just in case, maybe tomorrow, I'd change my mind while I've already done it. And sometimes that would put me in tremendous anxiety, almost as if I'd done something I didn't want to do, I wasn't ready. It's quite strange really when I think about it because where's the compulsion coming from? What's the problem? I don't answer to anybody. I'm not beholden to anyone. I haven't promised anything to anyone. I haven't given my word that I have to strongly follow. My word means an awful lot to me. If I give it, I mean it and I act upon it. And only if circumstances beyond my control interfere, but then I will give my word that this is what's happened and try to make it right. For the most part, I do what I say I'm going to do. So it's almost like that's the problem, even though I haven't said anything to anyone. It's almost like I've made the recording, I've said the words, I've made the connection and I used to feel like I had to actually make it physical. I think that was still a part of the problem of needing validation, feedback, recognition. Not needing those things anymore. There is no urge. But I am in this moment and there are moments when I make recordings like this. When I could be reluctant to stop simply because the moment I do, the moment I do, the present physical reality comes back. This takes me out of it. It puts me into a more esoteric space. I'm not really here. There's only the words. I sort of don't exist so much. I am less real. The words, the expression is what's real. The authenticity, the honesty, the clarity. And I feel that and I don't always want to stop. Sometimes it just does stop, of course, because enough has been said. But when it's not a specific subject, it's more just about expressing something in the moment. It could go on indefinitely. In the past, I have been known to record for an hour and a half or two hours and the time goes by very quickly. And after I've finished, I might be in such an energized state, I'll listen to that recording. So it's three or four hours that I'm involved in that world before I have to return to this one. The more mundane, physical, everyday routine world that I live in, in the van, in this moment. It's an interesting experience and I understand why I can't do this in real life. It just doesn't seem possible. I don't even try because there's no inspiration to do it. It wouldn't work, not for long anyway. Not unless it was a very specific moment where I had set up something with a plan and invited or made available and people have said, oh yes, I'll come or I'd like to hear that, I'd like to see it. That might be different. But I don't feel inclined to do that. The recordings seem to make more sense. And if they were listened to on a scale that created followers, maybe then it would still be possible to do something like that. But I don't have followers. I don't think I'm meant to be someone who does things like this. I might like the idea of it for a moment. I might like to experience it once or twice. But I think it could be that after I do, I might not want to do it anymore and prefer to go back to the simplicity of just the recording in my own solitude where there is no self-consciousness or pressure. There is no expectation. I'm not struggling with public speaking or having to perform, be ready, at this time, go. I just never work well that way. It just has to happen spontaneously, naturally, and then it feels like it's really authentic. And I might discover if I tried to do anything else that it's not authentic. It loses authenticity and starts to become more like a performance. I'm not sure that's the right thing to do. So that might explain why it never happened. It's certainly not so far.