Peer Ambassadors 1

The speaker discusses the challenges of being a mother and the unseen work that goes along with it. She talks about the constant responsibilities and lack of personal time, as well as the pressure to always be presentable and coordinate her children's outfits. She also touches on the frustrations of being a single parent versus being in a relationship, where the mother often takes on the default parenting role. The speaker shares her own experiences of balancing work and motherhood, and the difficulties of dedicating 100% to either one. He walks in the house, he sits down, I need to relax. I'm like, well, thanks. I remember those days. I'm like, yeah, from what? Yeah. Well, working, but for us, we're still working. We're always working. We never stop until they're sleeping, and then we're like, oh, too broken to even think. No, seriously, my late nights are so bad. It's like, I just want a few minutes to myself. Because you make up the time and the day that you don't get to have for yourself. I literally can't stay up any later than 11.30. I was going to say this. I'm already recording. Really? I just said press play. All right. Good. I'm glad you know. She captured us without even knowing. Welcome to episode one. I try to get up early. Seriously. And I can have coffee and chill. I have such a hard time getting up early in the morning. Yeah. Because I'm up late. How it is, for real. It really is too hard for me. I used to get up at 6 o'clock in the morning and be ready to go. It's 7 now. I can't do it. Yeah, like I have to force myself out of bed at 7, because Major has to get on the bus for 8 o'clock. And so I have to give him that hour to get himself prepped, because I have to consistently still remind him, like, did you brush your teeth? Did you have a bath bomb? Did you get your backpack? Where's your coat? Like, the whole way down. And then, you know, the twins are up at 8 o'clock, and they have to take a bath every single morning. And I don't know if it's because they've been conditioned to do this, but it's like they have to take a bath every single morning. It's like if they don't take a bath, then their day is off. And so it's like three toddlers in the bath, like, just screaming and, like, sloshing. And I'm always like, boys, boys, boys. It's like the first hour of my day is just ruckus and, like, noise and chaos. For me, when it comes to bath time, it's like if he's really, you know, having at it, splashing water bits and floss, you wipe it up. That's one less job you have to do later on. Mopping. Mopping. But still. There's three of them, so it's like it's a monsoon on my floor. I was going to say, it's not a mopping adventure. Yeah, it's really insane. So, like, now I, like, close them in because I have one of those sliding glass things, and I'm always so afraid that they're going to shatter the thing. And then I've got to take them to go get stitches. Oh, man. So it's very, very, yeah, intense. Damned if you do and damned if you don't. Seriously. Yeah. But anyways, welcome to our first episode of the Peer Ambassador Podcast. I am Kydra Jacobs, and I am joined by Jenna Wilde and Amanda. And I'm Jane. And we're the Peer Ambassador Group. And this first episode, we're just going to be talking about the unpaid, unseen work of motherhood and how that, in turn, affects our mental health, affects the way that we parent, and the way that we show up in the world, I guess. So we've already gotten kind of started. But this idea came to me really, like, this morning. I was just, like I said, I was getting my little guys dressed and ready for the world. And I was thinking about it in the sense of, like, oh, God, this is just so much work. It is so, so, so much work. And I get into this rut sometimes because I am a single mother now. But it hit me this morning that this was work that I was doing even when I was in a relationship. So when I knew we were coming here today, I was like, I'm not coming with just single mothers. There's not just single mothers here. There's people who are happy in their relationships and, you know, are thriving in their relationships. But there are still parts and portions of parenting that I feel like are solely placed on mothers, things that people outside of motherhood never even really have to think about. And one of those things is always, like, when I get my kids dressed, I'm always trying to make sure that they, like, look presentable, but not just look presentable, like that they match. And that is a part of my day where I have to, like, actually sit, like go through all of their clothes, make sure, like, all of their clothes, all the pieces are clean. Make sure that, you know, they have underwear and socks and, like, but all of it actually looks presentable. And it was something that my ex-partner, like, never even really thought about because he would just put anything he wanted on those kids and they would just go out into the world that way. And I was always like, is he doing that on purpose, like, as a part of, like, not wanting to do it? Or is this just, like, how men think that, like, it doesn't really matter? Does it matter what they look like when they go outside? But, like, I have all boy children, so it's not like it's something that I feel like is just for, you know, women to look nice when they go outside. But I also feel like it's important to be presentable. And maybe, you know, it goes back to, like, a race thing. I know, like, growing up, my mother always had to make sure that we would look presentable because, you know, like, just the stereotypes of, you know, dirty black children, whatever, you know. But it just stuck with me all morning long, you know, because I also have twins. So I also have to, like, make sure that, like, you know, I hate when they're, like, matching, but I always feel like they should coordinate. That's like, you know, if it's just, like, if it's just a mom thing or if it's just, like, a twin thing or if it's just a... I just always bring the conversation here and we can see what everybody else's feelings are about it. Coming from a home with a dad present, he's kind of like the working figure of the house. But I was telling him the other day, like, I'm cooking dinner and he looks over at me. He's like, what are you really doing? What am I really doing? I'm feeding four people two different meals. I have one kid that doesn't eat what we eat. And the little one who was present with us is working into that world as well. It's a lot of things that go unappreciated. And I think, you know, being a single parent is ridiculously hard. But I think in some ways being married and having someone there, it's a whole different realm of frustration. Because they look at you and they're like, oh, well, I don't have to see the world as a default parent. And it sounds so, like, gross, like, to say it and hear it. But I'm a default parent. Even if he's present, I'm default because I have to go and make appointments. I have to make sure the kids are taken care of in the morning because he's not there. They call me when trouble hits. When, you know, another kid at school kicks your kid in the arm and there's problems there. You don't – dad doesn't get called. Mom gets called because mom inherently is the default parent. And I was telling him that. And he did not like that. Oh, no. I mean, I was with my ex for six years. We had four children. And in the space of time that we were together, I was still always working as well. You know, and he was working. But, you know, I was still working. And there was, like, COVID time. And so, you know, I did – I, you know, got this job literally right when COVID was hitting. But it was from home, literally. Like, 90% of my job was from home. And he just thought that I was supposed to be, like, working this full-time 40-hour job and also, like, cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids, like, making sure the kids were – and I just thought that it was the wildest thing ever because I'm like, not only am I working, but I'm also making significantly more money than you are. So you're not the breadwinner. I'm the breadwinner. But I'm still carrying the full load of all of the housework. And I just thought that that was the wildest thing ever to me. So when I sit and I think now where I'm, like, I'm a single parent and all of the work is still 100% on me, I always, like, wonder, like – Oh, it's back to the table. Yeah, like, what was it that – and I know that this isn't just – it's not just me who has, you know, this particular issue. I hear this a lot these days with women and, like, this, you know, modern woman idea of, like, actually going out and working and, you know, versus, like, this traditional, you know, staying home and, like, taking care of the kids. But I'm like, but if I'm working and I'm doing both, like, what does that make me? And, like, where does a partner fit into that? And, like, is it – Yeah, I feel like I felt that too. And a lot of the time I sit and I'm like, why am I even with him? I mean, of course it's out of love, but I can do all this by myself. Good, because I already am. So I have, like, multiple hats within the community. We do a lot of work. And, you know, I work from home, so when I'm working from home, like with you, it's exactly the same. And I'm living it, like, right now. And those are my thoughts. So you're saying it and I'm feeling it because it comes through. Like I said, you know, at that dinner table, or rather cooking dinner, I'm standing there and I'm like, what are you doing at all? I'm making things in this house survive. Yeah, you make the house a home. But I was saying this, like, to Leo the other day. We were just having a conversation. And I feel like one of the things that I really hate about being a single mother and also, like, having a full-time career is that I don't get to do either one of them, like, to 100%. It's like I can't dedicate 100% of my life to my job and make sure that I'm doing my job, like, to my best ability because I have four children who are depending on me. But then it's like I can't just be a mom 100% of the time either because I have four children depending on me. I have to work. I have to be able to pay my bills and feed them and do the things that, you know, parents should be able to do. And so it does make it extremely hard to split myself in the ways that are necessary. But I don't know any other way, you know, to make that happen because, you know, I don't foresee taking on another partner because I feel like it would be taking on more work. Taking on a whole entire job, yeah. It's like really taking on more work and I don't have the energy to be able to, like, focus on a relationship and try to make a relationship work on top of also, like, you know, focusing on my job and focusing on my kids. And it becomes extremely difficult to think, like, so you're going to be doing this for 20, 30 years. Like, you pray to God that your children, you know, get to a point where they're self-sufficient and can take care of themselves. But, you know, until my mom passed away, like, I was still very much like, no, I need my mom. Like, I need her for sure. I need her. You know what I mean? So it's not really like you ever stop being a mom until you're no longer healing. Even now, I still be like, I need my mom. And I know she's like, I need you to let me rest because I'm no longer on this plane. But I still be calling on my mom, like, mommy, I need you. So, like, I need you to show up. I need you to do something. You know, and so I just – it's something that I've been struggling with these last, like, few weeks. But then also I feel like because we're in this group of parents of women, I feel like I'm not the only one. And so, like, that's really the idea of what this conversation is. Yeah. I mean, in one way or another, we're all kind of in the same boat. I mean, we've got our own things. It's definitely unique to the individual. It's all pretty much the same, though, in some sense. Because we're all kind of just trying to get through. But, I mean, for me, I really do find that struggle. Like, this is definitely not meant to talk on the basis of relationships because this is definitely – we're trying to talk about our kids, you know, the unseen stuff. But, like, I really feel when you're in a relationship and you're married and you have kids and, you know, or you're, you know, with a partner in general, even if they're not – they're biological kids, it does always kind of fall on the mother's shoulders. It's just – it's definitely heavy. It's a heavy thing. And a lot of people don't even notice it. Well, I feel like, yeah, being people who are in it most of the time, they notice it. You know, I have these conversations with my friends, with my sister, who, you know, lives in North Carolina. She's so far away from me. It makes me really sad because she's a big part of my life, but she's not part of my village. And I feel like if she was closer, we would have this amazing bond to be able to raise our kids together, to have that extra hand, you know. So, you know, I just wanted to see, like, do you guys have those other people outside of your relationships or outside of, you know, your partner or your children's father? Do you have, like, a village of people that kind of help you carry your load? So for me – and, I mean, I really don't here because I'm kind of like you. Like, I moved from where I grew up. And with you, your sister moved from where she grew up. And my sister, she's in Rochester. So I really kind of – I don't have that either. And then my grandmother, she passed away. She would have helped. She would have came down here, and she would have picked up the burden and helped me. But I don't – I mean, I really don't have a village. The people that I do have are there as much as they can be, and I am very grateful. I am. And I know they'll likely end up listening to this, and they know that I love them. But at the end of the day, it just feels like I'm not really able to go on and do as much as I could be doing because I don't have the village. And I don't feel comfortable with the world that we live in to pull new villagers into this village. I mean, I would trust every last one of you with my kids. I would because I see the way you raise your kids. But I also know the world is very much different than us. And, yeah, so I don't really have a village here, unfortunately. My family is all home. But, yeah. I think that I wouldn't be able to do or accomplish as much as I've accomplished if I didn't have a village. It's not the village that I think that most people would really recognize because it's not family. It's not, you know, I don't have, like, a huge relationship with my extended family, mostly because of how they treated my mother. And so I really don't care how they choose to treat me or my children because, you know, my mother, I feel like she left with a mission, and that's really to rectify some of the wrong that has been done to her. So there's certain pieces of my family that I don't allow privilege to be a part of my village. But there are so many people that I have met and have been brought into my life through, I think, sheer universal pull, just people who I feel like I've met because at some point they'd be very pivotal in my life and on my journey. And so I think that without them, I wouldn't be able to, you know, be here right now. You know, I mean, you just saw, like, I went to go drop my little one off with a woman who my kids call their grandmother because she's been so close to my oldest for, you know, I think, I mean, you know, 10 years, I think, at least. I think he was probably three when he first met her. And so, you know, now she nannies for me, and my twins had an amazing nanny who was, you know, an extra neighbor of mine who had a great relationship with my mom. And so I just feel like with my mom passing, I feel like she put these people in place to help me, you know, be able to be the best that I can be. And so I just always want to shout out that to people and just make sure that people know that, like, it doesn't always, it might not even, you know, feel like, you know, people outside of your immediate family or even your household can hold that space for you, but it's there. And I think that what we're trying to build here with the Peer Ambassador Group, I hope that people can feel that, like, we have these, you know, resources, even if it's just, like, I need somebody to talk to. I need to just vent. I need to cry. I need a hug. You know, like, I had a friend just say to me the other day, like, I was going to come to your house on Friday because, like, I just needed a hug. And I was like, oh, you should have came because, like, I've been in need of a hug lately too, you know. And it's just because, like, sometimes, like, you don't get to stop. Like you said, it's like it doesn't matter even if you can't do it anymore. You don't get to stop doing it, you know. It's like you have to just keep going, you know. Before we started recording, Amanda was talking about, like, who's going to take care of my kids when I got COVID? Like, nobody. I still have to, like, get up and keep going because, you know, like, if not, like, if not what? Who knows? Because we don't stop. Like, we don't get to stop and figure that shit out. Like, I'm sorry. We'll take that out. Sorry, you. I'm doing really good. Like, I'm doing really good. I'm not swearing. I think if we spice up, you know what, this chicken is disgusting without spice. So if we're adding a little bit here and there, I think that we can forgive that just a little bit. It's really hard for someone like me who grew up with a family of fishermen and sailors in the Navy and in other military people not to spice up our sentence. Okay. So one thing that you solely do just for yourself. I like to lay at night when everybody except for my husband's gone to bed just by myself and play a video game. I know I'm, like, still 11, 12 years old at heart. But, you know, I think feeding the inner child when you have a bunch of kids is very helpful. Yeah, it is. Yeah. And I think people, I think that it's something that I sometimes, like, forget about because I have so many kids that I feel like if I'm not, like, the adult that's present all the time, like, then they'll be lost somewhere down the road, you know? I feel that. Like, feeding your inner child is something that is, like, so necessary, like, in order for you to understand your children. And it's even sometimes, like, the smallest little things. Like, one of the things that I do with the kids, especially, like, my littlest one, he's such, like, a rough player. He thinks, like, that he's, like, a tank. But he does this thing where I, like, grab his arm when he's, like, laying on the bed. And he'll try to, like, roll off the bed. And I'll be like, no, Juju, no, I have to save you. And he'll snatch his arm away so that he falls. And he's like, no. It's, like, going to be something so out of nowhere where it's, like, we're just laying in bed. But if I grab his arm, he knows exactly what to do. Or he starts, like, sliding off the bed. And so then the other kid is, like, do me, do me, do me. And I'm always, like, ah, I guess so. But it's something that's, like, I really do just with the little one. And then, like, the other kids, like, we always have, like, our own personal little things that we do. I do believe that, like, if you can't get on the level with your kids, then there's this huge disconnect. And I don't want to be so far away from my children that I don't understand them or that they feel like they can't come to me or can't talk to me, especially because I have four children. So I'm always, like, trying to, like, balance out how to, you know, make sure that they have their own autonomy and that they can show up how they want to show up. But at the same time, be like, you know, I have a really huge responsibility with boy children because I feel like there's this real imbalance between the divine masculine and the divine feminine energy that's currently in this world. There's, like, such an imbalance that I'm always trying to make sure because I do have four boys. It's a majority. And then most people, most people don't have many children. Like, a lot of people are not having, like, multiple children these days. And, you know, because I have such a majority of boys, I'm always, like, it's a responsibility for my children, for my boys, my men children, to show up in this world as, like, positive representations of divine masculine energy. And so I'm always, like, let them be boys, but also let them be soft, let them be loving, let them be knowing, let them know how to express themselves, let them see beauty, let them see, you know, sadness, let them have, like, a full range of their emotions so that they're not, like, trauma dumping on some woman somewhere or being, like, fully incompetent, you know, or, you know, God forbid, like, angry, abusive men. It's always my fear of, like, what my children will show up as due to trauma that I've experienced and how I've relayed that into my children. So it's a consciousness, I think, that I have to stay conscious in. But my one thing. Sorry, like, we got so far, okay? Hey, if you can talk about your one thing at that much length. I mean, that's not my one thing. It's good. You know, that's something that I do for my children. I mean, but my one thing is that I smoke weed. It's my thing. I think it's my one thing. When I am, you know, done being a mother, you know, I have this whole nightly routine with my kids. And once, like, their door is closed and, like, they're sleeping, I feel like as a mom, I can feel, like, when they're asleep in my body. Like, when I don't have any tethering. You know what I mean? Like, there's something pulling on you until your children rest. And so, once they rest, like, I roll me a fat-ass joint and, like, I smoke until, you know, I have to go to sleep. And it's just, like, I'm being very transparent here because there's, like, this stigma when it comes to, especially moms, you know. But I think it's shifted a lot, you know, in the past two or three years since, you know, marijuana has become more legal in most places. You know, but there's always been, like, this stigma of, like, the wine mom who's, like, after a long day, she's going to have a glass of wine. And I'm like, yeah, I don't drink. I'm not a drinker. I've never been much of, like, a drinker. But I do need to unwind at the end of the day. And I think that even in my professional life, I think it's still kind of, like, frowned on. But I think that it needs to be talked about a little more and explored a little more about, like, the weed mom. Like, I'm a weed mom. I'm a lot of weed moms, though. I'm a weed mom. But I'm a weed mom, and I think that without it, I probably wouldn't be as able to function with my little children because that little one, that last one, I feel bad. I have mine with me. I'm trying to, like, chalk it up to, like, terrible twos. I'm, like, trying. But he's two. He's exploring himself. It's just the way that he's doing it that's really driving me insane. The way that I just am. You know, Jackson was like that. He hit the terrible twos harder than anything that I had ever experienced. He's a mini terrorist. And he has. Yeah. Terrorism. Wow. So bad. Jackson has ADHD, so he never listened, literally ever. And it was just, hmm. He would be the child that you would see in the news. Child jumps into the river. And the father follows with. It's actually almost happened. Thankfully, my husband is a lot faster than a two-year-old. Boys definitely are different. I've noticed that coming from the perspective of a first boy mom. I had Jackson for eight years before I had my daughter, who is now almost two. So I had a lot of time just being a boy mom. You're right. It's a whole other ball game. We haven't quite gotten to the level of girl craziness. There's no toy problems. We have mild temper tantrums. I'm thankful for the mild part, not even joking. But I have her 24-7. I do. Because my husband sleeps on the couch because it's easier for him to get up in the morning. Because he gets up really early. And when she's up, she's done. But needless to say, I have her 24-7 because she's in the room with me. So there's no break. But, yeah, my one thing, I'm kind of grateful for video games. I know it's such a nerve thing to say. Yeah, I was thinking about, I mean, my kids still have video games at this moment. Yeah. And they never have, this is their first time on the TV. Because, like, I didn't own the TV for, like, seven years. Like seven or eight years. Does that projector work? I haven't even put it up yet. It's pretty cool, though. I mean, I didn't have, we didn't. That's, like, the coolest find ever. I love that. I'm proud of her. That's, like, the coolest find ever. And so, I don't know, I feel like they're just getting to the space of, like, enjoying television. Yeah. This one down here really loves it. I love it. I'll talk to my best friend. She lives back at home. Two hours away, and I'll send her a message. I'll be like, girl, I'm letting Chili Healer babysit right now. Because that's the only time I get to myself. So, I let her sit down with Bluey. Thankfully, that show has a pretty good message. It's pretty good. Everybody loves Bluey. I love Bluey. Oh, my God. Love it. Not even going to lie.