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The podcast is about narcissistic abuse and toxic relationships. The host, Nova Gibson, is an expert in supporting victims of narcissistic abuse. She explains that the term "narcissist" has become a buzzword and is often used to minimize the trauma experienced by victims. She discusses the characteristics of a narcissist, including an inflated sense of self-importance, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. She also explains that narcissists can manipulate and abuse others to meet their own needs. Nova emphasizes the importance of finding the right people to talk to about abuse experiences and encourages victims to trust their instincts, as narcissists are unlikely to seek help or be diagnosed. She suggests that the prevalence of narcissism is likely higher than reported, as many narcissists go undiagnosed. Hi everyone and welcome to the Fake Love and Flying Monkeys podcast. My name is Nova Gibson and I am your host. My area of expertise is in supporting victims and survivors of narcissistic abuse and other toxic relationships. I'm the Principal Counsellor at Writer Outlook Narcissistic Abuse Counselling Service and I'm also the author of Fake Love, Understanding and Healing from Narcissistic Abuse. In this podcast we are going to be talking about everything from the initial pink cloud you find yourself on at the start through to the horrific discard and the powerful trauma bond that keeps you hooked. So take your imaginary seat on the roller coaster that is narcissistic abuse and don't forget to subscribe to this podcast so you never miss an episode of Fake Love and Flying Monkeys. Welcome to the very first full-length episode of Fake Love and Flying Monkeys. Okay, I thought what better topic to have for the first episode than what is a narcissist? Now most of you will know that this word is thrown around. It's become a buzzword and the unfortunate thing about that for victims especially is that it minimizes your trauma. People are referring to someone who has wronged them in some way. Someone who they might just deem as a bit of an arsehole, as a narcissist. Someone who's unpleasant, a bit selfish occasionally. They're throwing that word out. It's a buzzword and what that means is that when victims of a true narcissist go to talk about their experience, they are undermined. They're kind of gaslighted just like their abuse of the true narcissist did to them. Now one thing that I hear a lot from my beautiful clients in my practice is that because it's become a buzzword, when they go to talk about their abuse and they use that word, they've done their research. They've looked at video after video. They've read so many case studies and they've looked at those nine defining criteria in the DSM-5 and their abuser has met at least five of those criteria. So they know their stuff and they are using that word in the correct way. Because it's become a buzzword, people who do not understand the true meaning of the word, I should say, believe that they're calling everyone a narcissist. When you go to talk about it, it's like, oh gosh, you think everyone's a narcissist simply because you're picking up on red flags and of course because you've been abused by one, it's front and center of your mind. Of course, because you want to create awareness now that you know you've had your light bulb moment, you want to stand on the top of a mountain and tell people about it so people don't have to go through what you went through. You'll find that some people that you try to talk about around your abuse and around your newfound knowledge of what a narcissist is will sometimes be very smart, very sarcastic with answers like, oh okay, because I was angry at someone the other day or I walk ahead of someone, that makes me a narcissist. It's those people that you find out that you shouldn't be talking to about your abuse because their naivety, their ignorance is making them minimize your abuse and doing exactly the same thing that your abuser did to you by gaslighting you out of your reality. So yeah, you've got to find the right people to talk to, someone who understands what you have been through and will empathize with your experience. Okay, so getting back to what is a narcissist. Okay, so a narcissist in a nutshell is someone who has an inflated sense of self-importance. They feel special. They feel better than everybody else. They have an excessive need for attention and admiration and they also lack the capacity to care about the feelings of other people. In other words, they lack empathy. Now, empathy is a quality that we take for granted in people. We just assume that other people we meet in life are going to possess empathy. So it's such a shock for victims when the narcissist engages in the cruel and intentional behaviors that they do because they lack that empathy. It's just impossible nearly to wrap your mind around the cruel behaviors they engage in. But essentially, what you've got to remember is that you have an adult who has a normal IQ, sometimes a very high IQ in an adult's body who lacks empathy. So basically, they have a normal to high IQ, but they have the emotional intelligence of a very young child, a toddler, where it's all me, me, me, me, me. I want what I want now and there's no thought about anybody else except having their own needs met. Now, that's what you've got. Now, that's a scary thing and the fact that they do have a normal to high intelligence IQ means that they know right from wrong. So they lack empathy, which means they can't put themselves in the shoes of other people. So they don't care because they can't feel anyone else's pain. They just don't care because it doesn't affect them. So you've got that person who has a normal IQ, who knows right from wrong because they have a normal IQ, who can't feel the pain of others. So what they do have is cognitive empathy and what that means is they're looking around at everyone else and what's going on in society and they're working out what they should do. Okay, so you're supposed to cry at funerals. When you see someone crying in front of you, if you're trying to manipulate them, then you give them a cuddle. If you want to manipulate someone else again to get their sympathy, then you cry. You bat out some of those mechanical crocodile tears because that seems to get people to feel sorry for you and they learn what is expected of them in society. So they can be that chameleon and fit into their surroundings. There's a little saying that we use in narcissistic abuse recovery, which is that the narcissist, the only thing they change is victims and masks. So the mask essentially being who they're pretending to be at any given time to manipulate the person they are with. So once again, getting back to the fact that they don't possess this empathy and their intelligence means that they can engage in just horrific behaviours to meet their own needs and to use and abuse other people to meet their needs. So a narcissist, if you're looking at criteria, most people will find the nine criteria online that's listed in the DSM-5, which is kind of like the psychological Bible. I don't think it's actually used that much, but it's considered to be the psychological Bible. Now, those nine traits, just I guess to make them very short form, they possess a massive sense of entitlement. They have a sense of superiority. They're better and they're special. So they're better than everyone else. They engage in exploitative behaviours. They exploit others for their own gain and they have no qualms in doing this because they have no empathy. They've got a grandiose view of themselves. They have visions of grandeur that they are going to be rich and powerful and that everyone's going to worship them. They see themselves as special and in that quest to be considered special and better than everyone else, they must be getting the attention and admiration of others on a continual basis. They require admiration and attention to support their ego. That mask that they wear, which says, I'm better than everyone else, that's the personality that they are showing you. That is who they are pretending to be and that mask is the new personality that becomes who they are, which covers, I guess you could say, the vulnerable true self, that weak and wounded true self that they buried a long time ago. Now, if you're diagnosing, and what I mean by that is if you're doing your research and you have discovered those nine traits and the person who is confusing and abusing you is ticking all the boxes online, then you will probably have read that you only have to meet five of those nine criteria in the DSM to be diagnosed as someone who has NPD. Now, I think we need to really talk about the fact that those nine criteria, you would think that that would be enough for victims to kind of base their own diagnosis on, given that narcissists are rarely diagnosed unless they're in a courtroom setting. The simple reason for that being that they don't think there's anything wrong with themselves, so they're not going to put their hand up in the air for research and go, yeah, I think I'm a narcissist. I wouldn't mind being part of your study, or they're not going to walk into a therapist's office and go, look, I think I might be a narcissist and it's really impacting negatively on my life and the lives of the people I love, and I really need help with my narcissism. I can just see the smile on some of your faces as I say that right now, because you will know that they never think the problem is with them. So the last thing they're going to do is walk into a therapist's office to be fixed, because they don't think there's anything wrong with themselves. So in your knowledge and your research, you become the expert in your trauma. Now is the time to trust your instincts. You've been gaslighted out of your reality by the narcissist for so long, and now you have to trust your instincts, because it's very unlikely that you're ever going to get a diagnosis for that reason or those reasons I just spoke about. So you've got to also think the stats that we see online that says something like between .5 and 1% I think of the population is being diagnosed with NPD. If those are the stats that we have, they've got to be wildly inaccurate because of those facts that I mentioned earlier. Narcissists are not going to get diagnosed most of the time, and I believe that it's a pandemic that we have at the moment, and the damage and the destruction that filters out to everyone else is just incredible. It's prolific, and the only people that find themselves in therapy are everyone around the narcissist. So the person, I think it's the only disorder where the person who actually has the disorder is not the one that's negatively impacted by it. It's everyone around the narcissist who finds themselves in therapy, except for the person who should be in therapy. Now the reason I wanted to talk about the fact that they don't get diagnosed and explain that you only have to meet five of those criteria is because when you do your research, so many of my beautiful clients are hesitant in diagnosing their partner because they're not a doctor. That's what makes you exactly the opposite of a narcissist who would feel disrespected if everyone else didn't just believe what they said because they said it. So once again, you have to trust your instincts. You've done your research. You found that they've ticked all of those boxes, and in the end, the word narcissist or the personality disorder as it's defined, narcissistic personality disorder, NPD, is just a label. A label is something that we give to a set of traits or a set of symptoms so that we know how to treat those symptoms or treat that person with those traits that are impacting on their lives. It's just a label. So if you are not confident, even though you've got all of that research in front of you, you're unlikely to get a diagnosis from a professional. If you're still not confident in labeling your abuser as a narcissist, then label them as toxic. Someone that makes you feel insecure and confuses you all the time with words that are so far removed from their actions, label them as toxic. Now, people who come to see me in my practice, my beautiful clients, sometimes I find wanting to find some reason that they're not a narcissist because in their research, they've read that narcissists can't change. They don't want to change. They don't think there's anything wrong with themselves, and they're coming up with all of these, I guess, situations and behaviors and circumstances that make their loved one or their partner different from what they've read, even though they've ticked all those other boxes. Now, I find when we delve deeper that the reason that they're bringing up all these things that seem to be a little bit different, not matching up to what other people and their abusers have done is because they are searching for a reason to keep that toxic person, the narcissist, in their life because of the wearing down of their boundaries, the dependence that the narcissist has created for that victim on the narcissist, and of course, because of a thing that we're going to talk a lot about in future episodes, which is that very, very powerful trauma bond. So victims who are addicted, trauma bonded to their abuser, it's scary to think of never having that person in their life again. Like any addiction, it's a scary thing to never have that feeling of being on that roller coaster anymore, of having those polarized highs and lows, which has become your normal. And essentially, they're looking for reasons for them not to be a narcissist. Why? Because that means they might be able to change. So we're going to be delving a lot more into that, guys, in future episodes. But I guess what I'm saying now is that I want you to trust your instincts. You've been conditioned by the very person who wants you to not trust yourself. You've been conditioned by them. And the reason they don't want you to trust yourself is so that you are more easy to abuse and confuse, in other words, to manipulate. So yes, trust your instincts. Now is the time to trust what is making sense and to override that little niggly voice in your head, which is your abuser still taking up space that says, no, no, no. Look, they were nice this day. They bought you some tissues and gave you a cup of coffee the other day. That can't be the narcissist. Ignore those little niggly thoughts and trust your instincts. Now, one thing that I hear from all my followers and, of course, my clients is that they have real trouble explaining their abuse to loved ones, to others, and the people they're really needing support from because of the fact that it's become the word narcissist and overused buzzword. So I say to my clients quite a lot, you're welcome to have your mom and your dad or your best friend or someone you're trying to get support from, you're welcome to bring them to a session so they can, I guess, hear it from a third party and they can try and put the pieces together and understand what you're going through and therefore be able to empathize with you. So guys, I think if that is you and you're finding that people just don't get it and you feel like they're gaslighting you out of your reality and they're just telling you it's not that big a deal because they just don't get it, then maybe get them to listen to this episode and, of course, to subscribe to this channel so they can get a well-rounded, holistic view of what a narcissist is and just how they destroy lives. But I guess today is mainly focused on defining what a narcissist is and a narcissist can be anyone. I hear a lot from people that are telling me, oh, can you talk more about the other and I should, I should talk more about intimate relationships and we certainly are going to be doing that in this podcast series. But a narcissist can be anyone. A narcissist can be an intimate partner. It can be a mother or a father. It can be someone you work with. It can be a boss and this happens a lot because narcissists gravitate towards positions of power. So they're going to be in all those positions where they can tell people what to do. They can influence people and they can hire and fire people and just have that power over their lives. They can be your child. They can be a brother or a sister or a next door neighbor. The strategies they use, oh, I should add that a narcissist can be anyone in terms of male, female, no matter what pronouns you choose to use, gay and lesbian relationships, anyone, any relationship, you can have a narcissist. One thing that will always be evident in all of those relationships are the same strategies that we will talk about once again later on that narcissists use. Narcissistic abuse is universal. So the strategies they use are the same from relationship to relationship, no matter who you are and what sort of relationship you have. Of course, there's going to be slight differences given environmental influences, whether you're male or female and certain other aspects. There's going to be slight variations, but the general principles of narcissistic abuse are universal. So a narcissist can be anyone. We are going to be talking a lot about how to, I guess, spot a narcissist later on and how to escape a narcissist, no matter who they are, and of course, to heal. Now, you will maybe, like a lot of society, think that a narcissist is someone you can see coming. They're loud and arrogant and they brag a lot. They look in mirrors and take selfies all the time. So they're really easy to spot. Now, that would be what we call an overt narcissist. And unfortunately, that is what society deems a narcissist to be. I have found in my practice in talking to thousands of victims and survivors of narcissistic abuse, that the majority, at least 70% of the victims I've spoken to, describe traits and behaviours of covert narcissists. Now, this is why they were able to infiltrate your lives so easily. You didn't see them coming. You were probably like everyone else and thought, well, they can't be a narcissist. They're actually quite shy and anxious and introverted even. This is a covert narcissist and their abusive behaviours take place behind closed doors and everyone else just sees the nice, sometimes very charismatic person on the other side of your closed front door. So a covert narcissist can be shy and anxious. So they're the last person you would think will be abusive. So they will use behaviours to abuse you like the silent treatment. And it doesn't mean that overt narcissists don't use these behaviours as well. But the covert narcissist is going to mainly engage in passive aggressive behaviours which are just as destructive and devastating. Behaviours based on saying things to you like, I'm a victim. All these horrible things have happened in my life and getting you to feel sorry for them, playing the victim. They pull out the victim card so that when they do engage in these toxic behaviours, you feel sorry for them and you think, well, that's why they're doing it because they were abused. And it gets their victim to tolerate the abuse in higher and higher levels thinking that this person doesn't really know what they're doing and it's only because they were abused. They just need a little understanding to change. Now let me make it clear that most people wouldn't dream of abusing anyone else if they've been abused in the past. They wouldn't want anyone else to experience that kind of hurt and pain. The narcissist uses it as an excuse to abuse you. Who knows? That trauma, if it's true, in their past may have resulted in them developing a personality disorder. But it doesn't stop the fact that their abuse is intentional because they can switch it on and off like a tap, depending who's watching. Their inability to have empathy anymore is not an excuse to abuse. But if you do feel sorry for them and if you think they can change, then you are going to be their next victim or continue to be their victim because they are intentionally using your empathy as a weapon against you. So that's the difference between a covert and an overt narcissist. One, is they use more passive aggressive behaviors to abuse you and the overt narcissist is out there. It's what society actually, or most of society, believes a narcissist is. And this is another reason, the fact that I believe most narcissists are covert, it's another reason that it's so hard for you as a victim to get support because everyone else only sees the nice person, the person wearing the mask, the person the narcissist is pretending to be, and because they think they're so nice. When you go to talk about your abuse, no one's going to believe you. And you know this because the covert narcissist is often out there helping everyone else to support that image of being this amazing person. So it's nearly impossible to get support from people when they've only seen this wonderful, selfless, giving person. And also, the narcissist will be dropping seeds very early on in the relationship why there's something wrong with you. And once again, we're going to be talking about this in future episodes, The Smear Campaign. This starts very, very early and they will be sprinkling seeds that there's something wrong with you. They're only seeing an amazing person, so it stops you from getting support. So I might start talking, guys, a bit about what flying monkeys are, hence the name of this podcast. So why did I choose that title, Fake Love and Flying Monkeys? Well, it's quirky and I didn't want to have something that was kind of the same as everyone else. But the main reason was that it was quirky, but it also fitted. It was something that, with the flying monkeys part especially, is something that people think who've heard of flying monkeys, it's just a small part of the abuse, a small factor that's involved when you're in a relationship. You have a mother or a father or anyone else in your life who's a narcissist. But it actually is a huge part and has a huge bearing, the flying monkeys, on your toxic relationship. So that's the main reason I called the podcast Fake Love and Flying Monkeys. And, of course, Fake Love is the name of my book and all the details for my book, guys, will be at the end of each podcast and you can look for it there. But getting back to flying monkeys. Okay. So if you've got a narcissist in your life, then you have their flying monkeys. Okay. So who and what are flying monkeys? Okay. So for those of you who that term is new for, a flying monkey, well, let me tell you where the term comes from. The term is coined from The Wizard of Oz, one of my favorite movies of all time. Oh my goodness, how many times did I see that movie? If you'll remember in the movie, those ugly little monkeys that the nasty old wicked witch of the West would dispatch when she needed her dirty work done. She would send them out all the time to try and capture Dorothy and her beautiful little dog, Toto. Okay. So that's where the term comes from. So a flying monkey is someone that the narcissist dispatches when they don't want to get their hands dirty. You could say that everyone you believe is a friend of the narcissist. Narcissists don't have friends. They have followers and they have butt kisses. But all of those people in essence will be what we call a flying monkey because they are being used. They are being used for impression management, reputation management for the narcissist and they will be used to create drama. The narcissist will send them out to start a rumor, pit people against each other and the narcissist will just stand back watching it all unfold. They will send their flying monkeys out perhaps when you're trying to get no contact from them. And the flying monkey may rock up at your doorstep saying, oh, they miss you so much. They really want to see you. They're sorry now. Or it might be if you're trying to get no contact from a narcissistic parent, it might be another family member who says, you can't go no contact with your mother. Your mother loves you and look at all they've done for you and make you feel bad. Bring all those feelings of guilt and obligation and shame to surface. So whatever they're doing, they're sent out to do the narcissist dirty work and they are just as disposable as anyone else. They don't please the narcissist. The narcissist gets rid of them because they don't have any emotional attachment to anyone. So you will have flying monkeys in your life if you are in a relationship with the narcissist. They will be everywhere. You'll be surrounded by them if you're always with the narcissist. And a flying monkey has no qualms in destroying an innocent victim to support their master. Because if the narcissist has chosen a flying monkey to be in their entourage, whatever you say, then that's because that person is easy to manipulate. They can use them. So that makes that person dependent on the narcissist. Whatever the reason is for their own distorted game, they are dependent on the narcissist as well. So they will ruin lives if instructed to by the narcissist through things like spreading rumours and not think twice about it because their boss has instructed them to do it and told them it's the right thing to do. Now, there will be two groups of flying monkeys and they will be the innocent flying monkeys and of course the toxic flying monkeys who are just as dangerous as the narcissist. Now, the innocent flying monkeys, once again, they're still being used by the narcissist to confuse and abuse you, whether that's by distorting the perceptions of others or confusing and abusing you directly. Innocent flying monkeys will be people like perhaps a counsellor. The narcissist says, we've got to go to counselling together. And that's because you've got issues. So I'm going to find a counsellor and I'm going to take you there and we're going to fix you. So you go to the counsellor or perhaps it's you that's made the appointment and the narcissist has finally agreed. And you go to the counsellor and the narcissist manipulates the counsellor by flipping the roles of abuser and victim engaging in what we call DARVO, deny, attack, reverse victim and offender and making you out to be the crazy abusive one. So the counsellor gets used to extend the abuse. They believe the narcissist because they're so manipulative. And of course, because you're so abused and frantic perhaps and upset at the narcissist lies and they see your very frantic sometimes reactions, then it makes sense that what the narcissist says is true. And then they're asking you to come and see them on your own. So they could use a counsellor or they could use a friend of yours, perhaps a mutual friend that will say something like, oh my goodness, I'm so worried about Sophie. She hasn't been herself and I'm worried that she's going to hurt herself. So your friend thinks the narcissist is concerned about you. So they come over to check on you and as does the police and the paramedics because the narcissist has contacted them. They're also innocent flying monkeys saying that you're going to hurt yourself. And you open the door having no idea why these people are here, angry, frustrated, enraged even because you've been set up in the system. Everyone thinks you're crazy and the narcissist is this nice person who was concerned about you. It's a setup, but it's also an example of the use of innocent flying monkeys. Now, the more powerful the narcissist, the more pull, the more clout they have in society, then the more power they're going to have to delegate to their flying monkeys. So let's say it's a movie star or a politician and they're trying to destroy the reputation of a rival or someone who's wounded their ego in some way. Now, they will dispatch their flying monkeys, giving them vast amounts of resources to do their job. They will dispatch them to spread misinformation online, to perhaps string together well edited videos to make you, the victim, look bad, to just destroy your reputation by spreading these vicious rumours that is supported by manufactured evidence online. You end up having a trial by TikTok and of course all the dirty work has been done by the narcissist flying monkeys and the narcissist sits back and goes, I didn't know they were going to do that. That's either deserved, that they should be doing that, or they can hedge their bets with this one by also going, no, I had no clue that they were going to do that. Whatever the narcissist says, their motivation is to use someone else to do the job to destroy you so it can't be put back on them and they remain innocent. Now, the actions of a flying monkey, they know no limits when they are dependent on their master, the narcissist. So, what I always say to my beautiful clients, when they're trying to go no contact from the narcissist, no matter who that narcissist is in their life, that it is always best to go no contact with their flying monkeys because anyone who is what you perceive as a friend of the narcissist is not a friend of yours. Right now, when you're trying to heal from this abuse, any kind of mutual connection is simply going to be someone who's been manipulated by the narcissist and believes them or they wouldn't be with the narcissist. The narcissist is so manipulative, they basically have a PhD in manipulation. They're going to convince their flying monkeys that everything you get is deserved. So, yes, guys, if you've got mutual connections, please, please block them. Go no contact with them as much as you can, remembering that they're being manipulated by the narcissist. I know sometimes it's really painful to do that and you worry about what they will think, but the reality is the narcissist is telling them or conditioning them what to think anyway, and it's nothing good about you. But getting yourself away from everyone that has anything to do with the narcissist is what's going to help you heal. If you're hearing this message, then I want to give you a big thank you because what that means is you listened right through to the end of the very first episode of Fake Love and Flying Monkeys. In today's episode, we answered the question, what actually is a narcissist and who in your life is likely to be a narcissist? We broke that down even further to compare a covert narcissist to an overt narcissist. We also answered the question, what is a flying monkey and how do they associate with the narcissist and how do they help the narcissist in their quest to abuse you? So don't forget to subscribe to this podcast and tune in for next week's episode where we will be answering the question, can a narcissist actually love you? You can also get daily top-ups of information by following me on my other social media platforms and of course by purchasing my book, Fake Love, Understanding and Healing from Narcissistic Abuse, which is available worldwide at all good bookstores and of course online at Amazon and Goodreads. On that note, it's bye from me for now. I will drop another episode next week, Wednesday morning 6am Brisbane time, which will be 3pm Tuesday Eastern Standard Time, which will be 9pm Tuesday United Kingdom Time. Until then, remember, you are worthy of so much love and you are certainly worthy of a whole lot more than fake love and flying monkeys.