TRAUMA 1

The speaker introduces the first episode of a podcast discussing various topics. They talk about trauma and how it affects people differently. Trauma can make it difficult to trust others and maintain relationships. It can also affect the way we handle disagreements and communicate. The speaker shares their personal experience with trauma and how it made them feel worthless and lose their sense of self. They explain that seeking help is important in order to regain control and move forward. The speaker emphasizes the need to take time to heal and not rush the process of moving on from trauma. Hello and welcome to the very first episode of the Not So Secret Podcast. I am your host Ma and I will be guiding you through this new journey. And honestly, I cannot wait to talk about the various topics and things that can be useful for everyone who will listen to this and that is a very general thing and happens to the most of us. And I've been meaning to do this podcast for a very long time. I've been wanting to record it for a very long time. Did not happen, did not have the energy, faced some issues, but I'm finally doing it and I'm very happy about it. And today's topic is something that I feel like most of us have which is not the prettiest thing. It's a little bit overwhelming, which is drama, not drama. Why do I say it like that? Drama. I mean, like, it's not just a word. I mean, to many of us, you would say, yeah, it's just, you know, the simple word, but it's really a big deal that messes with everything from how we feel about ourselves, to how we connect to others, to just our basic life, you know, like, it really becomes like this ghost that haunts us. Okay, then let's start with the main thing with what trauma really means. So I did a little bit of research and based on what I got, and based on what I know, is that trauma happens when something really bad goes down. Something that leaves a mark, a wound, or a scar in our lives can be abused, can be accidents, can be losing someone that you loved and cherished and thought you had a very long time with them and then suddenly they're gone. But the thing is, it's not just about what happens. It's also about how it makes us feel and how we process it. And that's why it tends to hit everyone differently. For example, the way I would process trauma can be and is different from how a person with the same situation would process it. So how does this thing mess up our lives? Well, let's think about relationships, for example. One of the main things that has affected, like, for me, due to trauma, I have had a really hard time maintaining relationships, friendships, and just everything. So basically, trauma can make it a little bit hard to, maybe not even a little bit hard, very hard to trust people, feel safe, or even just want to hang out with others. For me, it's based mostly about feeling safe and just having the courage to hang out with them. And it's not, most of the time, I have to explain myself to others, like, this is not, this is not you saying, it's me. I am not feeling safe. I'm not feeling myself. And I don't want to, like, step out of my comfort zone. Because in my mind, my comfort zone, on the sofa, it's where I feel the most protected and that my peace is there. When in reality, it's just me basically holding back. And it's like always being on, like, high alert, basically. An amazing person once told me, trauma is basically, comes in the three Fs, the three big Fs, which is freeze, fight, and flight. And for me, it was always, like, either flight or freeze. Never fight. I never fought back. It was always freeze and flight. That's why I was always on high alert and expecting bad things to happen. And it can even mess up the way we talk to other people and handle disagreements, for example. I would try my best not to get into any arguments, because for some reason, it kind of affected me that if I raise my voice, if I assert power, then the person in front of me, even if it was someone very, very sweet, someone I've known all my life, someone I felt comfortable around, it didn't matter. Because I felt like if I asserted some boundaries with my voice and words, then this person will not hurt me. When in reality, it was just me pushing people away because of something I really could not control. So, and there's how it kind of messes with our heads. And for me, all along, like, the trauma I had made me feel worthless, ashamed. And it just made me feel less of a person than I was. And like, I did not even know who I was. Like, it was so effective, that it still is. That's why I still am seeking help. It just, I lost who I really was. I could not maintain anything. And one of my biggest things is I like talking to people. I like socializing. I like making new friends. I like just trying out new things. But I did not do that anymore. It's been a very, very long time since I last did something like that. And it just, it takes away the power to control our own life, which is very confusing. It's like when you play a video game, and the controller just stops working, and the person in the game is just walking around without you even controlling it, when in reality, it's supposed to be you who makes it move and do these things. And for me, it was exactly like that. I have had, like, I lost control over the controller that I had. And I was just randomly doing things, and sometimes not even doing anything, just standing there, lost and confused. And it just, it happens to the best of us. And it's really hard to get through. But it's a very hard process. Personally, I would not say I have the answers to it. Like, I would not say, okay, this is how you get over trauma, or this is how you move on. This is what you have to do in order to feel better. In fact, this episode of this podcast was supposed to be recorded January 1st. Did not happen. Constant procrastination, constant laziness. I stopped doing basic things, constant anxiety for no reason, like, especially since it's been 2024. I have been dealing with a horrible amount of anxiety and just physical pain because of mental issues. I have not been getting sleep. I have been taking sleeping pills. I've not been eating well. The only thing I've been eating is junk, literally junk. And one of, a few days ago, I read something on TikTok, which says, what we put in our stomach actually, like, affects how we feel. And the only thing I've been putting in my stomach was trash. And I mean, no wonder I felt bad about, like, about myself. I felt bad in my own skin. I stopped doing daily tasks. I stopped going out. Honestly, on the weekends, I don't see light of sunlight until I go out for school the next, like, on Monday, which is a very big situation. And I had to get help. That's why I started, I reached out to this amazing person, who's an expert. Her name is Melissa. I love her so much. And she was kind enough to help and try to help me get back on track and move on. Because, so, in my opinion, I feel like trauma is, like, we are, we humans, tend to create this bubble around ourselves, which is our safe space. And then there's trauma in it. And when this trauma, this dark mist starts covering this safe space, the thing we do is, we try to push it away. But because it's not it's not, like, you still don't have the courage to move out of your safe space. You either live with it, or you shut it out. You act like it's not there. And for me, I shut it out for so long, to the point, the mist became so much, I could not breathe. And that's why I had to seek help. And I need to find what I've lost. And I feel like I've lost more than I have to give. And that is not something I want to risk. And I don't want it to get to the point where I lose myself completely. Because even if I have lost 50% of myself, I still have, like, a 50% to protect with my life, and to try to get back the 50% that I've lost. And that's why I feel like I need to move on. I need to get help. And the thing is, with everyone, if you can't just go on and tell someone, okay, you need to move on from this. There has to be a time. I dealt with this thing for a very long time. And then I finally decided it was time for me to move on and just become happy again.