Episode 5: Just Me

Yui is hosting a podcast and talks about her tiring week of working and staying up late. She reflects on her energy levels and how she used to stay up late in high school. She discusses her current job and how it allows her to have a social life and make money. Yui also mentions feeling homesick and missing her family. She talks about her struggles with socializing and how she prefers to be quiet. Yui mentions her eating habits and how she has been eating a lot lately. She discusses her desire to improve her eating habits and mentions her interest in going to the gym. Yui reflects on the importance of time and how it reveals who truly cares about you. Welcome to me studio podcast and this is your host Yui. So today I have no script I'm just going to rock along with anything that's come up to my mind and it's currently like nearly 12 a.m. so I would see how long we'll last and let's enjoy the ride with me. Thanks guys. The first thing I want to talk about like how has everyone been doing like it's it's been a very tiring week I think like I've been working a lot lately like I've been working every mostly every night like if I am correct about this week's schedule my work schedule was like five days a week this week like how am I doing this I really do not know but like today at like 6 a.m. when I was like serving some customers my mouth like I was yawning my ass off it was terrible but I did went through it I did get through it and I did get home safely which is a good key part I want to know and like I I feel like I have some energy for some reason after I got home it's a strange feelings I don't have but I do have it at the moment like where's this energy coming from what what's motivating me to stay up like I haven't had this energy like of staying up till like I don't know one or two in the morning since I finished my high school further high school time was tough I used to do like 2-3 in the morning up all night to do just assignments I'm like why bother now because when I stay up all night I get fucking shit-ass great sorry I put no effort this year I'm still passing I think it's a win for me it's like a degree I chose right at the moment allows me to do many things it allows me to have like still a social life I still work a lot so I earned quite some money the money to like you know spend all my expenses and like my unnecessary shit I do have money to spend on that and like rent I do have to pay rent and like you know I'm also kind of like in the middle of personal things I'm wanting to like you know taking myself to another level something that I wanted well something that I'm currently doing that helped me probably be like a much wiser and more disciplined person that that's what I'm going to tell you for now because I'm still a very very newbie to this particular field so I I'm not a hundred percent sure how this is gonna go so we shall see but regardless of that issues you know I want to know how's like everyone been doing like it's such a cold weather in like Australia at the moment it's cold it's like winter it's all chilly and it's make me feel very like homesick even though I have been like living here like I don't know five six years already but I feel homesick at this time I miss people I want to just like you know go out every day visit my cousins my aunts or my uncle just go visit people go chat like I don't think I am in like an extrovert person but I feel like I I have that that voice in my head that I can talk to my relative however long I can I can do it but like when I talk to you like my friends that I'm not close to I'm like what am I talking about I have no clue what to talk about it's you such it's such a weird feeling I just have no clue what to talk about so I just stay quiet and it's be really awkward I'm like take me out of here I have been in that situation situation for so many times because I've realized that not everyone are interesting interested in my story so you know so I'd rather be like quiet rather than you know yapping without anyone listening to me that's why it has been very awkward sometimes in so many situations that I've actually put myself through and like you know I would consider myself very very personal like I don't share a lot of things but if I do share I will share it but if I share it you better know that like you gotta be safe that's what I'm saying I think so if if I share it you better keep it safe but if at all you know I don't know where you know I'm from it's like that I'm very tight-knit my community is very small it's very narrow at the moment I feel like I do have friends but I still feel a little you know low and sad for some time you definitely do have feel that feelings I believe so and like some people that really like an extrovert person I just don't know how how are they preserving their social energy for like throughout the day if they talk so much I'm like how do you have this much energy because I do not literally if I socialize for an hour or two hour I'm coming back home taking a fucking three hour nap and you better prepare that I'm not even recovering from it yet I still need like another whole day of that to get me through it oh my god I am hell of excited to just sleep in tomorrow oh I've been waking up so early these past few days because I work like very early so it has been a very very interesting week so on Monday Tuesday I have a short course and to say the very least it's not as interesting because one of the day was like theory oh theory I'm like oh I took so many naps and I do random shit so much random shit in that class that day particularly on this Tuesday hell's boring you know what I try to attempt to first eight questions I absolutely did not nail the first attempt to pass but we have two more attempts to go so I hope I do pass because I only have three attempts and I need to pass otherwise I won't get my certificate so that's another thing that I did and then I took so many naps so basically like on Tuesday just this week she my like the instructor she literally played so many videos and there's no practical so hell my eyes are forced to shut not me mentally but my eyes forced me to shut it like shut my eyes closed and I did I really enjoyed the naps that I take in that class I love napping I love the naps love love the naps in there oh I loved it and like oh how about like um eating oh my god like since I started like going to the short course I've been eating so much I've been eating like so much random ass shit like I don't know chips and like I've been on pretzel like pretzels like cracked me at the moment I'm like fuck why is it so good it's like the saltiness and like the blandness it just hits you and I'm like ah perfect taste pretzel amazing and or nuts I've been binging on nuts a lot like I have like a fucking container that I put in I don't like plastic because plastic I got like I squashed them I don't like it so I changed it to like a little container like a Nutella the small one I put it in there and like God a whole day I finished that whole thing oh I'm so shocked but the thing is I'm not shocked at the same time because I fucking keep eating my entrees like to keep myself awake I keep eating eating and eating so in for that container that I had like the small plastic thingy I finished in two hour how fucked up is that this is why I get fat but regardless of that I eat so much apparently I went to a buffet last night because it was my like um birthday okay and my sister you know what well my family and my friends she said they say oh how many people you eating for it feels like you've been starving for like fucking five days or some shit like yes I have been starving like for at least five days I'm drinking but like my eating habit just it shifts so much and it has been very irregular so I've been just eating a lot the eating just get out of my habits like I really really want to try to get it back like I'm trying to do like fasting and all that but like my fasting time I'm like limiting it to like 10 a.m. that's like when my eating windows start to open and I can eat to like I don't know 10 in like my time but I wanted to shorten my eating window but I don't know one is there like a feelings that like okay when I get home from work you feel the exhaustion you feel like you about to like crash in bed but then when I come home I saw my brother and they've been like he will well he was waiting for me well I hope he is waiting for me or he just sit there for some fucking reason I don't know about but he just sat there so I literally come and eat again again that I wasn't supposed to eat because I had like proper I think it was nutritious enough I had chicken rice peas and beans and corn that's what I had I think it was nutritious enough it's actually keep me full because actually the chicken breast keep me full because of the protein love that shit do I consider myself a gym rat like before I stopped the gym so I haven't been going to gym for like about six months now I feel like I see such a big fluctuation in my like eating habits before usually I I have like a really like unset time of eating okay so I said that like 12 that's when my eating windows start to open and then I like eight o'clock I get home eight ten yeah about there but then I never eat but right now I come home I sit at the table and eat ah ah I hate it but like how do I improve this I I don't know cuz like literally it's like when I am drinking so if I drink I probably love something to eat like I would love to have something to eat but I'm not even drinking well oh and yesterday that I went to the buffet like all you can eat buffet I was feeling like vomiting oh what I didn't even drink it's such a boring 19 but like it is one of the peaceful times I have I think it's like you don't know who's gonna stay in your life like time will kind of like tell you a lot about it and at the moment it has showing me a lot about it too like not a lot of people care about you enough and they don't certainly don't give a shit what you ever you going through your life you going through it they don't give a shit you know it has such a big impact on the moment like on me especially when I used to think that I'm gonna be friend with that person like you know for a long while but it's suddenly not the case anymore we stop being friend we stop talking and it's just really saddened me like how how is my thinking my like you know prediction was wrong because I feel so good about that person like I feel like they know me so well and I open myself up to be able to like you know share myself to them as well I think they they feel the same but I just don't know what happened that I lead to this like this situation that the Karen situation Karen moment like it's really really shocked me but I think well there's a quote that is do not disturb the ghost they did so don't disturb them yeah that's the quotes I really I think I live by this shit good God people are people they have you they have emotions they have their own thoughts their values and their beliefs so I I do understand why why we don't front we don't like have that connection anymore but like at the same time I feel like if you really care about that person if you want to make connection you wouldn't give up this precious time that you already have so that's why I was like however busy you are or however like you know how you feeling just tell me I feel like I I have been such a negative person all my life but like you know it has changed a lot since I get out of school I feel such a shift such a big shift into my mentality and my personality in general like I've been more bubbly I've been more positive it's like school has taken so much out of me I think there's more people that school does that to them as well and then like you know I've been more friendly in a way and I started to see my original self when I was young I feel happy I feel bubbly I feel like I have the life that I want to have and it's very very fucking amazing in my opinion so I really hope that people find their own self again even though it's going to be a little hard it's going to take a long while but like decide to just step out your comfort zone do what you always trained to do I think that's such a best way to discover rediscover yourself it is such an important task to do because if you don't step out your comfort zone you stand in that small circle all over again and again it will always be the same it will never change if you hate yourself now do something that's different do something that you always wanted to do but never get a chance to do it right now it take a lot for the first step to happen but once you first stepped out of it you will get it done trust me because like I'm really like personally I speak on my case right I really like I'm a podcaster that name Stephanie she make like a good true crime show I love listening to her it's so good and like you know I have like a little tiny dream in the back of my head okay now one day one day I just wish to be like her it has been a long journey because I have been watching her show like since like last year yeah last two years yeah it has been amazing amazing journey but like you know one day one day I will be like her and just the other day well about two weeks or three weeks ago I decided to I don't know what I've gotten into me or just it's probably because the book I read maybe because that lady that wrote the book she she started a business and like you know there's so many failures and rejections that she has to face to get to where she is now it's like the book is really showing me the way how to get myself out of the shithole I feel like that's when I start to see myself being a little bit more of the self that I always wanted to be when I was young like it it has be it has been a big change I love every change like every step that I talk to what's this change that one like it has been amazing journey I really hope that you guys get to experience the same because it's not easy I'm telling you but once you started it do not lose motivation keep going and oh my god I experienced so many hardship like not even even hardship I but like you know the lack of motivation like one day I just come home from work right I have no motivation to do anything literally I literally go to bed or binge watch videos on YouTube like how crazy is that I don't know what I'm watching on YouTube but I watch it I'm like why I watch them and then at the end of the day when I'm nearly about to fall asleep I feel guilty about myself but not doing the things I was supposed to do feel guilty about it and then the next day when I woke up I still do the same literally binge watching YouTube video until I can actually tell myself to get out of my ass and do the things I need to do otherwise nothing is gonna get done I'm gonna feel guilty as shit the guilt and the shame is so strong it has such a big impact on me so if it does have big impact on you as well I just hope that you won't procrastinate a lot because this procrastination does not help it bring you more guilt and more shame but regardless of that like you know I really have a weird question but like I was reading something today like researching what can I talk about myself hmm and then I come up with like a question like what do I fear the most for some fucking reason and I also see like a fucking videos that like kids was playing with snakes and I'm like eww yuck I was vomiting well not vomiting but like oh gagged myself to death because oh yuck their skin mmm the outer layer of the skin I'm like oh I find it such a nauseous experience for me to play with snakes now oh god when I see like a fucking snake popping up on my feet yeah goodbye like as fast as I can then when I see like the toddler like children infants that was playing with snakes I'm like are they not scared I am so curious how are they doing this they're literally playing with it kissing it and like stroking its head and now like oh it's not it I am NOT with that cuz like I don't know one day one day just hit me I'm so scared of snakes just hit me I don't know where exactly but it just hit me I hate fucking snakes I hate the sight I hate the idea I hate talking I hate everything about it I'm like wow like snakes scares me more than spiders like spiders it look a little you know outrageous but it's not as bad as like oh I can live with those snakes you know what I love like that animal I love koala the most it is like me lazy always sleep and eat and probably love human affection I probably need those for I really need those for especially the last one at the moment I don't have any but hey I'm not complaining life is quite good so I would say I'm alright but in the future I do wish to have like a future companion and yeah no no no no what I say about future companion is a little crazy you know what cuz well me and my mom was like talking about me getting married and some shit like that but like one day when I was at work I was just standing there and think about it like wait why am I getting married I literally just fucking turned 19 bruh and okay it sounds way to shit but apparently we are looking for something my mom's currently introducing me to someone fuck I don't know but I was just thinking about it it's so crazy how to think of it me personally I cannot teach myself like be a human being to myself properly like be a proper human being to myself I don't think of it I can't see it at all but then when I look at children I find them cute like I have baby fever sometimes shit I'm gonna say that it's bad but I think it's baby fever but they look so cute oh my god however when I actually think about it more about it like ain't no way wait a second wait a damn second I can't teach myself shit I can't even looking after myself how am I gonna look extra at looking after extra people my kids what am I what am I teaching them like I have no fucking clue I am so clueless and hopeless at this at this thing I'm still in the process of quitting my first job bro what the fuck I haven't done that thinking about married and children settle down that scares me I don't know when I'm gonna settle down but fuck I really hope it's not gonna be anytime soon because when I think about it oh my god that is so scary like what if I fucked up like oh what if I fucked up so badly that I don't want me anymore I don't fucking know but like that's scary that's just another thoughts that I usually have when I'm working work is such a good place for me to have thoughts like god I dreamed of being at work and having my own process like my own thinking going through it I'm like yeah I love work for them but work has been you know amazing lately like my boss she is so nice like the people I work at at the moment they're so nice they're such a nice people like it's actually a human being not like robots and not kids like it's it give me off like such different words from where I used to be at like they care about you ish like the boss I work for she really cared about like other people and it's such a refreshing thing to see because where I came from the boss did not give a fuck did not give a shit about their own like stuff mostly they will be talking shit about them one two they will talk about like no like not even talking commenting on this shit that you do they come in like little sucking fucking site comment site I fucking hate it like when you busy and they fucking commenting on like the little thing that you did wrong I'm like okay shall I just quit and do it yourself then I feel like that should be about right I'm still in the process of quitting I don't know I can't even decide properly like if I should quit or should I stay it's my first job guys I don't know I feel like if I quit it'll probably give me like the sense of satisfactory because I fucking hate that shit hole guys second of all I would love to see like the confidence boost in myself and third of all I fucking leave that shit hole in in a timely like timely and appropriate manner because I don't know I don't like when I see people like quitting and then they walk out okay I want to do that too but and I want to be like respectful because I have a work ethic that I just can't stand people who just like quit on the spot so like not can't stand it but like you know I have a different opinion to them because like what what if like you are next job didn't go as planned okay like you do an absolute fucking shit job and then you just quit on the spot because you fucking hate that shit hole place so much okay you just quit on the spot and then the the place that you quitted hate your guts what if you want to go back to your job so imagine let's say let's say that thing doesn't work out for the next job the new job that you found okay what if it just doesn't go as planned and it has become such a fucking shit hole same thing like you move to another place one to one place another to another place it's just all the same so why would you rather move like if it's the same place as a shit hole people are shit everything is shit why you move I don't know like you know when when people quit on the spot it give me such an anxious feeling because like what if my the new job that I found didn't go as planned I don't do anything right and I still feel like I should be coming back to the old job and that's what I'm thinking like that's why I want to keep it as long as I can you know to as a backup okay nothing else just a little backup and have like a peace of mind that if I fucked up my new job I can't come back to this one like you don't even have to quit just like you know this side it won't lie that you will quit but that's what I did not not a biggie because I'm sure trying to quit I want to quit but I don't know I can't really convince myself just yet like fuck it scares me I feel like I'm such a child like I'm scared of everything I scared of kind of live life a little bit and I'm scared about doing anything for myself like have you have that feeling that like you know okay that's what I want but I know that well I can't spend money on it like I just don't have that sense of feeling that I'm rich enough to buy and I want to be that rich to just you know be able to buy that shit that I want not care about anything in the world I want to be that rich I feel like that's one purpose of living my life I want to be that rich so I can buy whatever I want without looking at the price and I can satisfy my desire to buy that shit oh it just I feel like it hits the spot sometimes when you buy that shit that you wanted to buy I love that shit but then I feel like it's going to be a long journey to be that rich to become that rich I really hope one day it comes true I'm really manifesting this like this exact moment that I'm going to be that rich when I buy whatever I desire I don't look at the price I just immediately bought it like no second thoughts I can buy I know I can afford it I just want that like peace of mind but not currently at the moment the currently moment our current moment is very very poor very poor because I'm trying to save a little bit money because my uni tuition is very pricey so it's not the priciest but it's pricey for me that's why I'm trying to save a little money and then pay some upfront cost for fees and then I'm gonna pay the rest of it I can I don't know I don't know here's how we go it's like I feel like I haven't been drinking enough water cuz like okay this is probably weird but like do you look at your piss when you pee because when I look at my piss it looks so fucking yellow my god I feel like I've been drinking a lot but then apparently I'm not it doesn't say the same with my fucking urine it's a the opposite because it's so yellow I think my urine is more like very very concentrated I think so apparently if you're you're not apparently it's actually true if your urine is very yellow like very coloury it's mean that you're dehydrated and then when it's like light it's mean you're hydrated like I really want to get to that level but I don't know drinking water make me pee so much and it's annoying like especially the cold weather I can't just like every fucking five seconds step in the toilet step out step in step out step in step out I don't want that so like how how is there a proper way like probably I'm thinking there's probably a way I could drink water and then not going to the toilet five fucking second in like five second interval I don't want that shit oh especially when you're working you can't step off a fucking five second interval like that no so I want to have some strategy to back myself up to drink enough water so my piss doesn't look so yellow and I don't want to go to toilet often oh I hate it like God another thing how do you guys brush your teeth like when I brush my teeth so I go for like the inside like the gum at the back yeah and then I go on like a brush like these so I face my toothbrush down at the gum I brush that uh-huh and then this side and then I go I brush it keep brushing it and then come to the middle and the middle feels so awkward like the middle inside not the this one inside of it I feel weird because like when I brush it it's like you split the toothbrush into two I feel like that and then especially the upper like the upper jaw I can feel the different two when I brush the gum on the upper jaw okay it feels fine but then when I brush the inside it feel weird because like I don't know it just feel weird I can't describe it and then I feel like it doesn't clean that good or just me like my way of doing it it just doesn't brush that good and then after I finish like the inside I come back on the outside and then I do like a circular motion keep going and then I keep doing this at the front I feel so weird while brushing my teeth I feel like it doesn't clean like to the best like the maximum cleaning result I want it's not there like is it just I feel like strange and another thing like from where I came from we we rinse out the tooth like the solution that we made it out like from the toothpaste so we rinse it off so once you've finished your brushing you rinse it off and then I probably go um in with some like mouthwash and we also went off the mouthwash I think well that's what I used to do but like apparently you're not supposed to rinse anything bro you rinse the toothpaste solution with the mouthwash and then oh I just hate the mouthwash so much I feel like fucking I'm in a minty sewage that's what I feel like minty sewage that's what I feel and I feel absolutely terrible every time that I do my mouthwash I I avoid doing mouthwash I like toothbrush in a sense because it's not too cold and it bubbles I love bubbles and like a little bubble won't kill me right I love being bubbly I love being a kid again if I can oh I feel like we all have that like thoughts like when you're old you want to be young and then when you're young you want to be old like what the fuck is this can we reach like a time that like okay I want to be right here right now be in the present I love what I do I enjoy life I love this thing that I have going on the moment I want to just do that but apparently it's very hard I'm not kidding I am NOT kidding well well it has been a fucking journey just go talk and unscripted it's wild man because it reaches fucking 38 minutes me is talking to myself about myself and I'm gonna share with y'all that's 38 minutes up and you know I hope you guys enjoyed this episode because literally it's very last-minute I've been busy so give me cut me some slacks and um give me a follow on Instagram Spotify and probably like subscribe on YouTube for me please because I am still trying to get this podcast off the ground I don't know how long I'm gonna take I really want to take it off the ground like it's not even about money but like I want to prove myself that I can do it like I tried and the hard work pays off like keep doing what I'm doing I want to just feel more motivated to do this because sometimes when you reach to like a certain days just don't feel like doing anything especially when I'm posting videos I don't know what to say what to record or what to edit I don't know but being honest with y'all it's a very tough decision and now I can't even manage to like post once a day but then you know the expectation is to post three times I've been trying but it's a little hard but well I really hope you guys enjoyed this episode and please let me know what I could probably do to improve the podcast environment or how I should be talking I'm learning and I accept positive feedback as well as um what is it constructive criticism I am accepting actually I'm accepting everything whatever you throw at me I'm accepting it so please be my guest and do criticize on what I do at the moment thank you have a have a lovely night I hope well currently it's night time to me and I hope you have a lovely day a lovely night thank you you