4/5-week 7

Lucy discusses the six stages of relationships: contact, involvement, intimacy, repair, deterioration, and separation. She feels that these stages apply more to romantic and friendship relationships than to family relationships. She then explores the needs of friendships, including unity, affirmation, ego support, stimulation, and security. However, she disagrees with the idea that security in a friendship means not calling attention to weaknesses. She believes that true security comes from being able to call each other out on flaws. Lucy also mentions the rules for friendships and family relationships, highlighting the differences between them. She concludes that family relationships are stronger and have fewer rules because of the inherent bond, and she expresses appreciation for her sisters. Hi, this is Lucy, and this is week 7 of looking at my relationship between myself and my four other sisters through the lens of interpersonal communication, and this week the episode subject is going to be on interpersonal relationship stages, communication, and theories, which is chapter 9 and 10 of Joseph DeVito's book, and I'm going to be primarily focusing on the difference between a friend and family in a personal relationship stages. So to start off this section, DeVito opens with six stages of relationships that are meant to apply to all relationships being romantic, friendship, family, or otherwise. The first is contact, which is your perception and interaction with someone, so just like your initial meeting of a person, and then the second is your involvement, which is when you start testing and intensifying your relationship with this person, pretty much getting a gauge for whether or not you want to further this relationship or just cut it off where it is. The third is intimacy, so at this point you've decided that this is a relationship that you care about, and it becomes more committed, and you have more of a bond, and you're more public about this relationship, and then the fourth is repair, which is pretty self-explanatory. It's just that some damage has happened, and you're making reparations towards fixing this friendship or relationship. The fifth is deterioration, which is some sort of dissatisfaction is found within this relationship, and it's starting to fall apart, and then the sixth is the end of that deterioration, and it's a separation between you and this other person in both person, in like a personal way or in public, in like more of a social way. And so those are the six stages, and I found when reading those that I could see how they apply to romantic and friendship relationships, but I don't feel like, at least in my experience, they really apply to your family, because the first two, like, I don't even remember those stages. When I became, when I came in contact and started being involved in my siblings' lives, I was a baby, so I don't even remember those two stages. And then the last two, the deterioration, dissolution, I also feel like don't apply because I know that some families, those ties fall apart, but in my experience, that isn't the norm with the relationships I've seen around me between people in their family and their siblings, and especially my own experience. The two that I do feel like apply, though, are intimacy and repair, because there is that close bond, and with that, like the age-old truth that you hurt the people that are closest to you, so that repair stage is definitely there, and there's closeness, and with that closeness, pain that can come. So that's how I felt the six stages apply to my experience with siblings. So that was just a little intro into what I really wanted to talk about today, which is friendships and the standards that those relationships are held to versus family and the standards that family relationships are held to. So Joseph DeVito first gets into friendships, and he starts by describing five needs that a friendship must have in order to be maintained. The first is unity, which is many friendships are basically formed because both sides see a mutual benefit that they can both gain from that friendship. So that's unity. The second is affirmation, which is the idea that both sides must affirm the other person and help them see their value and positive attributes about themselves. And the third is similar to the second. It's called ego support, and that's just where you both are encouraging those attributes you recognize in one another and helping each other see your worth and competence. The fourth is stimulation, and that one is talking about the need for both friendships to be introducing new ideas, experiences and people to one another. And the last one is security. And DeVito says that security is found in not hurting one another and not calling attention to weaknesses that you see in one another. I found this very interesting, because in my experience, especially with the last one, that is not how I view security in a relationship, especially a friendship and especially a sibling relationship. Security, to me is found in the opposite. It's when the people that I'm closest to are comfortable calling me out on weaknesses in my life, especially sin problems in my life, because that shows me that they are putting my overall well-being over some superficial, like, me liking them because they make me feel good, if that makes any sense. Like, I feel most secure when someone is willing to call me out on something I need to be called out on rather than just telling me what I need to hear. And I feel that way in friendships, but more so in sibling relationships, because that relationship is so much closer and stronger than any other relationship, that if my sibling were to not call me out on some sin issue that they see me struggling with, I would feel, like, really, like, insecure in that relationship and be wondering why it is that they don't care to call me out on what I need to be called out on. So that was everything for friendship needs. He doesn't really go into family needs, but he does go into friendship and family rules and explains that those different relationships have different sets of rules that need to be followed, and if the rules are broken, it'll result in that relationship also being broken. So for the friendship rules, he doesn't give an exact set of rules that need to be followed, but I did some research on it, and Philotopia does. They say that some rules would be remaining loyal through good and bad times, respecting the person, always doing what you say you will do, never talking bad about them, keeping a secret, being optimistic, and never saying anything critical about them. I thought that was funny, that that last part, never saying anything critical about them, was the same thing that DeVito said when talking about friendship needs and how security is found in not calling attention to their weakness. I thought that was an interesting little tie. I don't agree with it, but it was interesting. And for family rules, DeVito gives three rules that need to be followed, or guidelines, I guess, and all of them have to do with talking. The first is watching what you talk about. The second, watching how you talk about something, and the third is watching whom you talk about it to. The idea of this is what you say can result in a lot of drama and tension within a family. So making sure that you're being respectful with what you're saying and how you're saying it, and also mindful of whom you're sharing the information to and whether that information is meant to be disclosed to them or not. And I did some research to see if there were any other rules with regards to family, because there's a lot for friends, but not so much for family. And Big Life Journal was the only source that I could find giving family rules. And it made me laugh. There's where no hitting, using words to problem solve, asking before you take something of someone else's, and not calling each other names. Those were the only rules I could find. And I thought that was kind of funny. They're fair rules, but I don't know if they really apply to at least the stage in relationship that me and my siblings are at, given that all of us are out of the house and not really name-calling each other anymore. But I feel like that really shows how friend rules, friendships in general, are so much more finicky than family. And I say this because with friendships, you can see that there's a lot more needs and rules that need to be followed. But family, there's not so many rules and needs because that tie is already so strong. So in conclusion, what I got from this week's reading was that while I always think of my siblings as my friends, that's not that accurate, because the relationship standard is so much different. And with friends, while there's so many rules, and it's so easy for those relationships to break, family, it's a lot harder and there's not as many rules because it's such a stronger tie. So it really just made me appreciative of my sisters and to have those relationships in my life. So that's all I have for this week. But thank you so much for listening. And if you have any questions or anything, you can leave them in the chat box. And I'll be back next week. Thanks. Bye. Transcribed by https://otter.ai