PODCAST

In this podcast episode, Lauren and her co-host Rie discuss how technology has transformed love, dating, and relationships in the digital era. They explore the evolution of dating and love through history, starting from ancient times when women didn't have a choice in marriage, to the Middle Ages when men started competing for women's attention, to the 1800s when the idea of love and romance became more prominent, to the 1900s when dating was frowned upon but started to become familiarized, to the 1920s when dating became more popularized and couples enjoyed sneaking off to drink during the prohibition era, to World War II when women became more concerned about choosing the right man as husband due to the low chances of survival, to the 1980s and 1990s when dating became fun and adventurous with no strings attached, to the 2000s when talking on cell phones and knowing more about each other before a date became common. Nowadays, talking has replaced Okay, hello, and welcome back to Lauren's Podcast, where we talk about everything from meeting to love, and on this episode, we are just going to be navigating relationships in a digital era. And today, I brought with me my co-host, Rie. Hey, guys, I'm Rie. I'm a UnB single gal, so if anybody wants to hit my line, let me know. I'm on the Lauren's front, by the way. But, yeah, so basically, the introduction to this is I just want to, you know, explore how technology has transformed love, dating, and relationships in the modern world, because I think that's a really important topic to have today, because everything's in the digital era now. Everything online, everything with relationships, it's just, you know, all over the place, and it's good to research and, I guess, look through everything. Yeah, missing the old times where it's just letters and phone calls, but I guess we can do Snapchat, Instagram, and all that, too. Yeah, right? Well, speaking about the old time, that brings us into segment one, where I wanted to explore the evolution of dating and love through history. So, I was researching everything, and I came upon the list.com, where they were able to give a full-on description of everything from basically the ancient ages until now. Wow. So, yeah, so let's just jump right into it. So, first, in the ancient times, you know, dating wasn't really a thing, because women didn't have authority over themselves or their lives, and most were just married off straight away. Wow. So, they didn't have a choice. All these single gals, I mean, the nice guys, I guess. Yeah, I think, you know, not having a choice, that has changed a lot, obviously, but jumping into the Middle Ages, where dating and romance began to be more prominent, but, you know, the term of dating wasn't a thing. But this age was when men started competing more for attention from the women that they were attracted to, and when the knights started to, you know, trying to impress the ladies while they were in their fights on their horses and everything like that. So, I think that's interesting, because, you know, they were turning into this phase where they were starting to try to impress everybody, but, you know, dating still wasn't a thing. I feel like it was, like, around the time of, like, where arranged marriages started to happen, but not yet. Yes. So, like, dating, but not dating, it was just like, this princess is going to be with this princess. Exactly. But if she's too ugly, it's not okay, and all that. Exactly. So, you know, super interesting just looking into, you know, all of this background. But, you know, there was times in between this and the 1800s that, you know, was pretty much all the same, arranged marriages and everything. But I wanted to jump forward to the 1800s, because this is where dating almost started to blossom and when the ideal for wanting a love became more prominent. And this is when an author named Jane Austen, she wrote a book about how it felt to feel in love and how it felt to be in love. So, everybody in this era just started to gravitate towards wanting that idea of love and, you know, idea of a relationship and wanting a partner and not just a marriage. Yeah. Being in love. Yeah. Haven't heard that in a while, but you know what? Maybe I should be reading this book, right? So, that's when the idea of marrying for just your money and finances, that's when that got taken away more. That also kind of sucks, because it's like, not just looks and personality, because I feel like now it's kind of a little more like that. Exactly. But also not necessarily, I guess, because there's catfishing and stuff like that. Exactly. We'll get into that later with all the catfishing, because that's definitely in the modern era. But yeah, so then in the 1900s, dating was actually frowned upon and the term date, that's when the term date was first used, because young women began putting, you know, these outings with men into their calendars. And that's when, you know, the term date really started to be used. But something interesting that was said in the website that we were looking at was there was this adjustment period for people when society had to get used to the fact that women having outings with these men alone wasn't just prostitution, which is, I read this and I was shocked. I was like, I didn't even know that. I didn't know that, you know, that was like, before the 1900s, that was the thing, that if women were having these outings with men, that wasn't their husbands and that wasn't their arranged marriage, they would assume it was for money, for prostitution. So that's kind of scary. It's like they already kind of know what's going on, but it's like these dates, I feel like for the 1900s especially, it's like the guy picks them up in the car. There's cars, right? Yeah. Right? 1900s. So? I don't know. But like, it's like where they pick them up, bring them flowers, or like have something like that. So I feel like that's something that was like, for us, it's like olden times for them, it was something new. So I feel like it's really interesting to notice how much of a difference that is now because like now I feel like I would love, I would love to get picked up and get knocked on, you know, the door and everything. Exactly. So that's when, you know, more of this romance started, started to develop more. And it is interesting because I bet those early first days of, you know, those first outings, it probably was scary for the women. Yeah. Because they probably, you know, didn't know if he was just using her for her wealth or for, you know, everything that happened. But this is when it started to become more familiarized. So then during the 20s, this is when dating became more popularized and like actual dating. And what was interesting about this when I was reading it is this is when alcohol became illegal. And this was in the prohibition era. So this is when there were underground speakeasies, which do you know what those are? I have no idea what that is. So basically a speakeasy is the illegal way that people used to drink alcohol. They used to go underground and to use so-called speakeasies, which were, I don't remember if it was like restaurants or stuff like that, but I know it was their time that like they were going against the law and drinking alcohol. Oh, wow. But according to, you know, the website, dating, this became romantic because it became a time where these young couples, it was exciting for them to get to sneak off together and get to drink together and they would all carry their flasks and bring them underground with them. It's actually kind of funny. Yeah. It was really interesting hearing, you know, how this almost rebellion against the government with their laws became this type of romance and this type of dating. But it's like nowadays you really can't do that. Exactly. What are you guys doing? So that's almost where we started to see the modern era. But then when World War II hit, the concept of dating changed because women became less concerned about the men's status and what they wanted and became more about, I need to choose the right man because I want him to be my husband because if he goes off to war, like, they needed to understand that, you know, this chance of survival for the man is not that high at all, actually. It's not high. So they wanted, the women wanted to make sure that if their man came back from war, that this was their husband and this was their partner. So this is when they became more picky about it. But I feel like it's such an emotional time, too. It's like you're letting your loved one go, but at the same time, it's like you're making sure that they're okay. Exactly. And you need to take care of them when they come back. It's like kind of being a mom to them, but not really that they're like your lover. Yeah, exactly. And I feel like that's almost when they really got a sense of dating. Romance. Romance, yeah. And wanting that love because, you know, when they actually had to say goodbye to them at war, they wanted their... They don't get that time. Exactly. They wanted their men to be there. Yeah. And so I feel like this time in World War I and the time in the 20s kind of combined and turned into the 1980s and 1990s when dating was fun and adventurous and people started hooking up with no strings attached, which was interesting. Wow. And, you know, there were blind dates and low expectations. And I guess it kind of tied more back into the 20s because it was more fun and it wasn't serious. I feel like it's just like having a friend, but you're doing a little more than the friend. Exactly. And it turned into more when they, you know, actually decided to marry them. Yeah. So this is when pretty much the true ideal of marriages really started from romance and not just, you know, what it was way back then. So then now, in the 2000s, the invention of talking became a thing when cell phones came out and they became more common. And, you know, it was common to know way more about each other before even going on a first date because you're able to talk on a cell phone. You can link up your Instagram, link up your Snapchat. You can actually talk to people. So... Right. This is when the term of talking became more popularized rather than dating. And dating was only more essential when it was for marriage or, you know, for the future of wanting to get married. That's when that became more popularized, which is obviously now how it is today. Yeah. I didn't know that it was in the 2000s when talking started. But honestly... Yeah. I still don't really get the talking, the situationship. Yeah. There's so many terms now that it's just like, what's happening? Yeah. It's like, take me out on a date if you want to be boyfriend-girlfriend and make it happen after a few, you know? Exactly. Just come get it quick. Exactly. You know? And, you know, this is the time that dating apps were truly introduced and, you know, this is when they were started. That's kind of scary, actually. Crazy. You can see how it is later on in life, too. And just like, with that social media coming up, it's like, oh my goodness, what's going to happen? 100%. So, that ties into our segment, too, which is the influence of social media on relationships. So, I did want to ask you, how do you feel like social media has impacted relationships as a whole in the world now? I think it has its perks and it has its flaws and I really think that, like, a lot of people have been able to, you know, find their partner, find their loved ones through social media, which is awesome. I don't know if I could personally be doing that because it kind of scares me because of, like, catfishing and, you know, who knows who's actually behind the screen. Yeah. Like, it could be creepy men, you know, we never know. But I also really think that people can meet the love of their lives and it's really nice that you're also able to stay connected with your loved ones from afar. 100%. So, when I was researching this topic, I thought it was also really interesting because everybody has different beliefs on social media. Right. Everybody has beliefs of good and the bad and, you know, I really wanted to go through pretty much all of that. So, I started on a website called sullentech.com, I believe, and they explained a lot about this. So, they said that millions of apps allow us to interact quickly and fast with others. It is the second most popular way to now meet people is online, which I'm assuming they mean by the first one is probably just meeting people in person. Yeah, so now they were saying that dating apps are now the second most popular way to meet people and meet loved ones, which is really interesting and obviously I believe it, but it is kind of crazy. So, I did want to ask you, some studies suggest that those who find the ideal partner on the internet are happier in marriage than those who meet through in person or any other means. Do you believe that? I mean, personally, I think I would really like to meet someone in person because I think body language is one big thing for me and, like, even just seeing them in person, how they act with the public and just, like, if you're going to a restaurant, how are they with the server? How are they, you know, with the bill? Like, it's all that that ties in. So, I think that maybe, like, meeting them through connection is fine, but I think finding them fully online and then all of a sudden starting dating them and then meeting them in person, I think it's just a no-go for me. Which is interesting because, you know, I even know people who, you know, I went to a wedding last July and that couple met online and now they're a beautiful couple and they're married. And really, that happens to a lot of people now and I think it's crazy because people just, you know, if you're not on dating apps, I think you assume it's just going to be bad. But I think some people end up with great experiences and then they meet their forever partner. So, I think it is interesting because, you know, I've always believed with that. I've always never really trusted dating apps. Right. You know, I've never really looked into it as much as, you know, other people have. But some statistics that I saw in there was almost two in every five couples met online, which is 39% of couples. That's a lot. That's a lot. Wow. And it's crazy to think that so many couples are literally getting married that they have now met online, which never would have been a thing, obviously, before the 2000s. Wow. But I just think that's a crazy statistic and I honestly feel like it might keep just growing. And it's interesting to think about the future and how much in the future can change and how much in the future is going to be this way. It's like taking girls out on dates and getting to know them and, like, taking a partner out on dates, like, is going to be not normal. Like, I feel like just taking out on dates, like people taking someone out on a date is like such a big deal now. Yeah. But I feel like before it was not even a big thing where it's like, oh, I'm going to take out this person for a date just because, like, you know, you want to get to know them. And I think that's valid. But, like, now it's like you're on dating apps. You have to Snapchat them. You have to match them on Tinder. And it's, like, becoming more of a big thing and I just don't know how I feel about that. Well, I think it's also interesting that you're mentioning, you know, dating because I feel like now in the modern world, dating has become more of, like, if you're going on a date, it's official. Right. If you're going on a date, it's more like this is going to continue. Like, we're going to have a second. We're going to have a third. Obviously, there's cases that, like, that just doesn't happen because it's not good. Right. You know, I've heard some horror stories from dating apps. However, I feel like it's definitely changed from the 1980s, 1990s because they would just go on dates for fun. Right. It was almost just like, you're just hanging out. You're just hanging out. So, I think just, like, the terms are almost changing and the terms are different. The definition of the term. Yeah. Exactly. So, as we see it today, there's Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, OkCupid, and so many others that everybody has heard of. Right. And, you know, this is showing this new age of love is data. Yeah. Love is using data, which is giving these apps the algorithm, which is how these app makers are matching people to find chances of matches. But, you know, it's interesting that love is data. Like, that's true. You know? If you say it like that, it really is true. Like, it's like, what type of statistics matches with the other person? Yeah. It's not even, like, the vibe or, like, how it is with the person. It's more of, like, if you like this and you like this, that could be a match. Exactly. I don't think that that's fun anymore. Exactly. And this is why research on this topic is very important because we need to understand dating apps and if they are destructive to relationships and if they are destructive to other stuff. So, continuing this, you know, I wanted to look at this other website called Why Dating Apps Are Destroying Love from thegoodmanproject.com because I feel like it does destroy love in many aspects. So, they were explaining that creating an unrealistic standard on dating apps because you are swiping continuously and it is showing people that they have unlimited choices in their partner and I feel like it's altering our brains to find the best person. I feel like it's overall, you know, teaching people to only focus on outer features and not inner personalities, inner worlds, inner beliefs, inner everything. And so, I thought this was really interesting because I've believed in this in the past but I think this is definitely altering our brains because every swipe that people are doing, every act is teaching our minds to believe that even one small flaw in a person is okay to just let them move on. Yeah. And so, I think, you know, in true love, in marriages, which we'll get into in one of the next sections, but, you know, showing people that one small flaw is not a make or break thing. Yeah, it's not like a make or break situation, I feel like. And it's like, I think nowadays too, there's a lot of my friends that I know, it's like one guy makes one mistake and they can't take it anymore. Yeah. And I really think that you have to be building this life with a partner, this connection with a partner. And it's like if you make a mistake, you also want your partner to be like, hey, you made that mistake, I'm here for you, let's figure it out together, this is what bothered me when you made that mistake, what can we do to make it better so we don't have it happen again, you know? A hundred percent. So, I've really thought that's super interesting because, yeah, people, you know, this ideal of true love, I feel like it's changing because people don't believe in true love anymore. A lot of people don't and it's hard to wrap people's minds around the fact that true love doesn't exist, you just have to put effort, you have to put trust, you have to work really hard for these relationships and it's a process. It's like a friendship, I feel like, honestly. And it's like becoming best friends with your partner but also falling in love at the same time. And I think you are able to do that and I think learning a lot from me and my past relationships, like, knowing that, like, hey, it's okay to let myself be like, hey, I can't do this anymore, it's really bad for me. But also being able to tell, you know, your partner being like, hey, but maybe later on it could work out. Who knows? You know, people change, people could change. I mean, not everybody changes but I think some people can change and I think that I'm openly willing to let myself out there again into the world being like, hey, I'm gonna try stuff out. A hundred percent. And I feel like that's how people should be but, you know, in this age of relationships it is hard because, you know, we all see people on dates, out with their families, on their phones and that's also hard because when is relationships gonna be truly the factor of wanting to be with a relationship with someone when now it's hard to get true connections with people because, you know, you're on Snapchat all the time, you're on your phone all the time or even the social media apps are just a way to like show people what you're doing but where's the genuineness of, you know, posting because I feel like people can post their relationships all the time but sometimes it's almost as the fact of like, oh, look what I'm doing, trying to be better than everybody else when in reality we should just be wanting to have fun and wanting to be in the real world and wanting to hang out with people and everything like that. And, you know, I was watching a TED talk from Mayurakshi Ghosal and she was explaining about the effects on all relationships, even friendships and she just explained this concept of people posting, people keeping streaks, people doing all this to keep their friendships alive and, you know, when is that gonna stop? When are people gonna realize that social media is not creating meaningful relationships, it's creating superficial relationships? And I think it's hard. I think, like, adding on to that too, it's like, I think there's always good and bad to everything. Like, social media has gone our friends of friends club, you know, like, I was able to meet your friend from home that's not going to this school and it's like, oh, you can finally, like, you know, get to see what they're doing too and you get to see, like, what you guys did in the past and stuff. But I honestly think that, like, a lot of people nowadays, especially our age, you know, 19, 20 year olds, like, if they don't post anything, it's, like, the end of the world for them. Exactly. And, like, not being able to show off what they do or, like, being like, hey guys, like, I'm a fist and you guys aren't, like, look at me. Like, not really necessary. Exactly. So, you know, that's the hard thing about social media is it can be a great tool, it can be amazing, it can be so great keeping people connected. But, you know, at what point does this idea of social media take a turn for the worse? And I feel like every day we experience the good and the bad of it and, you know, just realizing that. But, yeah. So, going into segment three, I want to talk about the complexity of modern day marriage. Right. Do you feel the perspective of marriage has changed over the past years? I think that marriage has become more of a thing where it's, like, you and your partner kind of become one. And I don't know if I'm a big fan of that, only because, like, I think that us as females should also be able to do what we want. Right? Like, my mom is a stay-at-home mom. My dad works. Like, that's kind of, like, the stereotype, especially because, like, you know, in Japan compared to, like, the U.S., which is totally fine. I think it's awesome. But it's, like, if I had something that I would like to do and I had a job where I wanted to continue doing if I get pregnant and, like, have a baby and later on I want to go back to it, I don't think we should be able to, like, we should be stopped from it just because I'm married to a significant other and he's already working and we have, quote, unquote, enough money. A hundred percent. Yes, definitely. And, you know, that ties into, you know, not looking at our partner as personal fulfillment. Right. You know? Our partner in our marriage should be a person who's there for us, should be a person who cares about us. Your best friend. You know, your best friend. You're doing your life together, but also we need to find fulfillment in other things like our friends, our hobbies, our work. Because I feel like we can get entangled in the concept of always wanting to be with our partner, but, you know, you're with them every single day for the rest of your lives. Yeah. So we don't want to get tangled up in that, which is what Jenna McCarthy talked about in her TED Talk on modern day marriage and how to make modern day marriage work. And she was talking about how, you know, marriage is a long term concept and it should be hard. It should be struggles. But people today that are struggling in their relationships, it makes people way more unhappy today to be struggling in a relationship than it did back then. Because if you're struggling in a relationship, then I'm going to look at whoever Nancy's feed and her husband and be like, wow, they have such a perfect relationship. Why am I like that? Why am I struggling? Right. But it's like, well, on my side, yeah, I'm going to be posting the best parts of my marriage, the best parts of my relationship. You never know what they're going through. They could be going through a freaking divorce and like, you don't really know that, you know? Because people post the best parts of every side of their life, which is really difficult. And it makes people today expect way more out of their marriages. Right. Because we see everyone else's relationships online and it's difficult to not second guess our own relationship. And in a part of her TED Talk, that's when she jumped into how to make it work, because there are so many struggles. And, you know, she explains that if you want your long term marriage, obviously, to work, then you need to invest more time and more psychological resources into that marriage and not care about what other people think, not care about anything else. You need to care about your relationship and your marriage. And if you start comparing yourself to others, that's when you're going to go down. Because everybody else looks so perfect online. And I think also like social media and the Internet makes it hard, too, especially like celebrities. Yeah. They're, I think, a big factor in everybody else and everybody's lives. Right. Like if this celebrity gets married with this celebrity and they have the perfect kid, it's like, I want to be that. Yeah. And like you look up to them. But I think there's a line where it becomes unhealthy, where it's like you want to become exactly like them. You want to do exactly what they're doing. And obviously, they're loaded with money because of what they do, which is amazing. And that's great for them. But it's like you're not always able to do what they're doing. Yeah. But you also never know what they're going through. Like I remember I've seen a couple before thinking they're perfect whatsoever. And then later on realized in person that they never really talk. Right. They're home. They just go to their own rooms like they don't even share a bed anymore. It's like all these things that keep building up little by little. I feel like at the end of the day, it's going to crash. And it's like on social media, they look perfect. And then next thing you know, bam, they're divorced. And you hear that all over the news. And it's like, what happened? Exactly. But they're not going to tell us, you know. Nobody would ever tell. And, you know, that's why the divorce rates today are pretty much 40 to 50 percent of marriages. In a first marriage, we'll end up divorcing. And that's just, you know, not the happily ever after that so many movies and shows talk about. And it's really hard going into this life wanting to find that one true love, wanting to find that one true partner that is the happily ever after. But, you know, it's lies. It truly is lies. So we can't judge our own experiences because it will tear you apart in this modern day era with all these phones and everything and social media. And, you know, it's just it's rough, but it's OK. And the last thing that she said that I think really put into perspective is if it was that easy, we'd call everything the honeymoon. Right. Because I think just like relationships and just how like we are too, like even nowadays, like the first three months is like a relationship honeymoon phase of the dating series. Right. From the dating. And then it's like if you are able to work through the three to the whatever month and then before you get to your one year, it's like, oh, you made it through the trenches or you made it through the rough period. And it's like if nothing should really be categorized, I feel like. And I feel like everybody has their differences. Like some people in the beginning, it's rough. Like one of my best friends, she had a rough beginning, but now it's a lot better. For me, I had a really great beginning in my past relationship, but then it got worse. Yeah. So it's like I think progression with your partner makes a huge difference. And I think that's something that we can't look over the fact that we all have that. And it's like this couple can have a rough time. This couple can have their honeymoon phase and we just need to stop comparing with everybody. Exactly. Which is exactly why the comparing just needs to stop in order to keep people in true relationships. Right. So our last segment is just personal perspectives on everything. So I just wanted to ask you, like, how do you feel like technology has changed the way you communicate? I think for me personally, like going into my past relationships that I've had, I've really enjoyed like being on the phone, having FaceTime, seeing them and like seeing them through the phone, which has made a huge impact only because like I know wherever I am in the world, we're still able to communicate, you know. It's not like a letter that's going through, which I'm grateful for. Like, you know, I don't have to wait for days to get a response to my letter. But also at the same time, I think it really makes me overthink a lot of things, especially because my partner in the past like never posted. So I'm like, I don't even know what he's doing. Right. Right. But also at the same time, he's never a person that really did anything. So it was like, OK. But like imagine if it was someone that was really more outgoing in a sense, I guess. Then it's like, oh, like, what am I going to like do? Right. I'm sitting here in bed and he's out doing something. So is it OK for me personally to be seeing him doing something, but I'm not? But I feel like it really just puts up a lot of thought and like a lot of overthinking, I feel like happens more because we're on social media and like we have our phones. We even have like, you know, our locations, which is getting scary and scary. I feel like it's like, oh, he's here. What could he be doing here when he didn't tell me he was, you know? Right. So I feel like then also it could like ruin surprises and like, I don't know. I don't know. I think it's always like a good thing and a bad thing. Right. What you think of. That's the topic. And then our last question, you know, we've talked about the negatives, some of the positives. But, you know, I just wanted to end on a good note about social media. So in what ways do you think technology has actually strengthened and improved many relationships? I think especially for couples and people that have been doing long distance, it has been awesome because it's like you're able to talk to them basically on the daily. You're able to text, talk, call, whatever you need to do on the daily, however far you are. You're able to send pictures, you're able to send videos. And I feel like that grows your relationship as well because you're also able to trust them more. Yeah. And trust has always been a big thing in like a relationship. Definitely. And I definitely agree with that because, you know, I am in a long distance relationship and being able to have that communication, if we didn't have that, you know, it would be really hard to keep it in touch. You know, I mean, you used to be able to just call each other, which is always good. But, you know, being able to communicate when we can call, when we can talk. Even the face to face on FaceTime. Face to face on FaceTime is perfect. And yeah, sending pictures, sending videos, being able to actually see each other. It definitely helps so many couples. And I think it's a lot worth it more in the end. I think so too. But that is all I have for today. And I just want to say thank you for joining me on my podcast today. Thank you for having me. Of course. And it was so much fun to talk about everything love and relationships. And thank you. Of course. See you next time. Bye.