section 1 part 3

After the death of my brother, I felt sad and confused. My parents seemed to be avoiding talking to me about it. It took me longer to understand and accept his death. One day, I had a panic attack which made me realize I needed to express my emotions. Talking with my parents and processing my feelings helped me understand my grief and overcome my fear of emotions. Although my brother's death had a lasting impact, being able to process it is a significant achievement. Initially, after my brother's death, I remember feeling sad sometimes and not being able to understand why. I also struggled to understand how I could be happy and then sad and then happy again all in the same day. Most days, right after his death, my parents would sit on the couch or in their beds and do nothing for almost the entire day. I think they thought that I was too young to understand and they didn't want to try and explain to me. I would have been too painful for them. I also think it took me longer to process his death and the dynamic change in our family. The moment I finally started processing and understanding was after my panic attack. In that moment, my ears started ringing and my vision clouded over. I could barely breathe, but after it was over, I felt relieved. It felt good to finally let some of my emotions out. After that, I realized that bottling everything up didn't work. I started to talk with my parents more and process things out loud with them and while I was alone. That one moment is what helped me start to understand my grief and also get over my fear of my own feelings. Even though my brother's death has had lifelong effects on me and my family, the fact that I was eventually able to process what had happened to me is remarkable.