To Liam2

The speaker expresses frustration and hurt over their relationship ending, feeling like their needs weren't met due to health struggles. They long for their partner's support and struggle with feelings of inadequacy. They emphasize the deep love they still have and the difficulty in moving on. Despite wanting to avoid negative patterns, they yearn to reconcile and are angry at the situation. They feel lost without their partner and yearn for understanding. I'm texting right now and there are so many things that I want to say but I don't want to say them to you right now so I'm just going to say it to my phone and maybe I'll send this to you with the other stuff on Sunday but you said that you don't want to fall back into the same patterns, routines, and heartaches by flipping back into the relationship we had. And like I get that, like not wanting to fall back into some of the negative patterns and stuff but like there were pieces of our relationship that were really beautiful too and just to like lump it all together like that like it was all so negative and terrible, just feels really awful and like I just I don't understand like if you love me as much as you say you do and as much as I love you and you miss me that much and I miss you and you want to stay in my life and you want me to stay in yours and I don't understand why we have to do this. It feels like you're giving up on me. It feels like I was too needy and not good enough and how much I tried didn't matter because I couldn't get my shit together fast enough even though there were fucking reasons. Reasons that were not my fault and I know that it's my responsibility to make it right but how am I supposed to do that if I'm not allowed to show up and do that? I was talking to my mom last night on the phone and she was asking me questions and I was having such a hard time answering her but she told me that it's a reasonable expectation for someone who you're in love with and partners with like to expect that they are able to give you support during a difficult time and I know I asked a lot of you or expected a lot of you and didn't always ask in the right way and I hate that. She asked me if she was missing something like if there were some secret poly rules she didn't know that made it so like you don't take care of the people that you love when they're sick and I like I couldn't answer because that doesn't make any sense to me either. Like it really doesn't and I hate that you feel like that you're not enough like what you were offering me wasn't good enough because it was what you were offering me was good enough. And then it changed and I know you don't think that it did but it did because the circumstances changed and my brain got worse and your time. You didn't want to spend as much time with me and that really hurt and I know that you still gave me a lot of time and I'm just I needed so much because I was so lost and I was so scared and I didn't know how to hold myself and take care of myself and I tried so hard to spread that around and lean on other people too but I didn't want anybody else. I wanted you because you were my person because you were my safe place. You were my home and I just wanted you and I felt like I wasn't allowed to want that or need that just for a time like I never thought that it was something that I would need forever like I knew that it was just all of the stupid body stuff and I was working so hard to figure it out and un-fuck it and I still am and I know that life isn't fair but it just feels so not fair that we couldn't hold on a little bit longer like we were so close and now for everything to just be lost and gone and in the past I don't want it all to be in the past and I just keep telling myself to be patient because maybe you'll like have enough space and time and like calm down and like wanna try again but like I don't know if that's true or if you're just trying to get over me and that hurts me so much and maybe it's selfish but I don't want you to get over me and I don't want to get over you. You're my person and I love you so much and I just I've been through so much with you the last like year and a half and I know in the grand scheme of things that's not that much time but like I honestly like I can't imagine my life without you and it gives me fucking agony. I don't want to go back and fall into the same negative feedback loop that we were in and the same negative patterns and routines like I get that needs to be different but that needs to change that something had to break that cycle and like I honestly feel like this did and I just don't know what to do with that because I don't want to be done with you. I don't want to try and fill the u-shaped hole with other things or other people or myself like I don't know like I know I lost myself in you a lot and I'm working on finding those pieces of myself and like being more grounded in my autonomy and like I also know a large part of that was because of how dysregulated I was because my body was so fucked up that I couldn't I literally couldn't stand in my own autonomy because I couldn't find it because it wasn't there because everything was so unstable and insecure I needed that co-regulation for that time and I know that there's no way for you to really understand what this feels like for me I wish that I could share that with you somehow because they're just there's not words there's not words that would be able to convey and I just I hate that it sucks. It fucking sucks. It really fucking sucks. It's so bad. I'm so mad. I'm so mad at me and I'm so mad at you and I'm so mad at the universe and my doctor and everything. And I just want to fix it. I just want to fix it so, so bad. Fuck.