To Liam3

The speaker reflects on missing their partner's birthday and expressing regret for not prioritizing their needs. They struggle with balancing self-love and loving their partner while processing feelings of abandonment and hurt. They question their partner's actions, feeling let down and unsure about their relationship. The speaker discusses polyamory dynamics, values, and personal growth, expressing a desire to reconcile and grow together despite feeling hurt and disappointed. They grapple with self-blame and the complexities of their emotions towards their partner. It's Tuesday, May 27th and I was just doing some cleaning and letting my mind wander a little bit and I realized that I missed Nicholas's birthday but it was on May 2nd. I don't know why in my brain I was thinking it was June 2nd and I went back and double-checked and that was the Friday before you asked me for the first no contact break and I feel really sad that I was so wrapped up in my own experience and my own pain and my own anxiety and my own fear. Everything that was happening with my body and my brain was so overwhelming and so just to the point where I couldn't see anything else and I regret that a lot because I know in so many ways that hurt me. You didn't feel seen or heard or valued. You didn't feel appreciated or loved and I wish I could change that. I wish I could go back to that day and just give you a really big hug. I wish I could go back and do a lot of things. That weekend wasn't great between us. That Saturday you were having so many feelings that I didn't understand or know what to do with. There's so many times that I feel confused. When do I prioritize my needs? When do I prioritize your needs? Shouldn't there be a way to prioritize both of them? Isn't that what being on the same team means? That we're working together so that both of our needs get met and no one feels left behind or forgotten? I'm really struggling right now. Yesterday was really, really hard. It felt like I was starting all over again. The grieving process. I was so alone all day. I was supposed to hang out with Ryan and she cancelled on me because she didn't have any spoons and she had to work on her paper. Today hasn't turned out quite the way I thought it would. I had a full day of things, but a lot of them got cancelled. I just... I love you and I want to show you that. And I know that'll take time. I think something I'm really struggling with right now is how to love you well so that you feel it without betraying myself and my own autonomy and my own boundaries. Like, how do I step back into my own power in a way that feels empowering for me but doesn't hurt you? Because I don't want to hurt you. I really don't. And I can't just pause everything. I keep coming back to the grief that I'm holding. The grief that I've been holding the past, like, three or four months. And it's so agonizing and overwhelming. I was journaling yesterday and I had tucked the note that you wrote me for Valentine's Day into my journal and then it fell out. And then I picked it up and I read it and I just cried. And I cried for so long and I just couldn't stop. Because I don't know how all of those things that you said could possibly be true. You told me over and over again that you weren't going anywhere. Going anywhere. And I know you probably believed that and meant it when you said it. It just it just hurts so, so much. And I'm, you know, trying to challenge those stories, those intrusive thoughts that say that you were lying to me. Because I don't believe that. I don't think that you were. I just, I don't understand how we got here. And I know I internalized a lot and I blamed myself and shamed myself and that made everything worse. And I'm coming out of that now. I feel a lot more grounded in myself now. And I keep going back and forth on whether or not this is whether or not this is a good thing. You know, people keep telling me that you've probably given me a gift and letting me go like this. But I just, that doesn't feel true to me, you know? Like I can understand the space. Like needing the space to really be able to be myself. Like needing the space to regulate and to come to center. But just completely being done. It's like I'm trying to put a puzzle, the last puzzle piece in the puzzle, but it doesn't fit. And no matter what I do, I can't make it fit because it just doesn't, it just doesn't go. It doesn't make any sense. I know that you are trying to protect what kind of, like, whatever kind of future relationship we can have by like taking a step back so that it didn't get worse. And I love you for that. And at the same time, I just, I resent you so much for telling me that you weren't going anywhere. And for saying that my needs weren't too much and that I wasn't too messy. And then backtracking slowly on everything because my needs were too much and I was being too messy. And you did go somewhere. How am I supposed to trust you after that? I was so scared last year to tell you that I loved you, to trust you because I had been hurt so many times already. But I did anyway. And I trusted you with everything that I had. And I did things with you and I let you do things to me that I never ever trusted anybody with before. And you couldn't hold me through this pain, through the sickness. I knew that it wasn't permanent, that it was only temporary. And I tried so hard to keep you in the loop on everything I was doing to try to fix it so that I could come back to myself. And I just needed you to hold on a little bit longer and just be a little more gentle for just a little while and to just let me know that you were there for me. For just a little while and to just hold me and meet me where I was at. And you couldn't do that. You couldn't prioritize my needs above your own for just a few months. I think I'm really mad at you. And that showing up is sad and fear. But I'm hurt. I trusted you and you let me down. And not only could you not hold me through my pain and give me more grace just for a few months more, but you had to take, you had to make it about you and make it seem like I was doing something so wrong and so awful to you, as if I had any control over my own life. I was doing something so wrong and so awful to you, as if I had any control over what was happening at all. I was trying my best and I know that wasn't good enough for you. There's no way I could ever truly explain to you what it was like being in my brain and my body during that time. And feeling like I was losing everything slowly and surely. And feeling like it was all my fault. And no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stop it from happening. I'm sorry. I've talked to a lot of people to try to process what's going on. Some who know you really well. Some who know you a little bit. Some who don't really know you at all. And there are some repeating themes. And I try to do my best to just share from my own experience. You know? I don't want anybody to think badly of you. And there have been times where I positioned myself to defend you. You know? Because I do understand that it must have been really hard for you. I get that. And I know that I wasn't showing up as my best self. And then that hurt you. It was really shitty. And also, I was really hurting too. And you know, you made yourself my safe person. I made you my safe person. My safest person. I've heard over and over again, why do his needs matter so much more than yours? Why is it all about his needs? How come he's punishing you for that? That sounds like he's punishing you. Or you know, someone trying to really understand asked me, like, they said maybe I'm missing something about what it's like to be Polly. But it seems to me that, like, when you have a partner who's sick, that it's going to be really hard. And it's going to suck. But you don't just abandon them because they're sick. And it's not easy. And it's hard for you. And I think that, you know, I think that's true. We talked about this a little bit. You know, I grew up, like, learning and believing that you show up for the people that you love. That, like, when they need you, even if it's intense, or hard, or annoying, or hurtful, like, you still show up for them, because they need you to. Like, you still show up for them, because they need you to. I keep cycling back and forth between feeling really fucking sad and being really hard on myself, and all the ways that I fucked up and showed up in, you know, not alignment with my values, and then cycling to feeling really angry and hurt, and recognizing the ways that you also fucked up, and didn't show up in alignment with your values, or the ways that you showed up that were not in the ways that I wish you had. And maybe that's my fault, too. Maybe I, you know, maybe that was a lie that I sold myself of not who you are, but who I wanted you to be. You know, something more about what you had said about hierarchical poly, and relationship anarchy, and, you know, I think that maybe we have different definitions of what those mean. I don't know that one's necessarily right or wrong, but I think, I can't remember if it was you or Ryan who said this at one of the polytips discussions last year, but somebody had said something about a relationship anarchist that they had known or dated or something, and one of you guys said, that's not relationship anarchist, that's an asshole. That's not relationship anarchist, that's an asshole. And I just wonder, like, the ways that you've shown up, that you are standing firm, and this is relationship anarchy, and these are relationship anarchist values. I wonder if that's true. Or if that's just what's easier and more convenient. Because sometimes it seems like you're kind of being an asshole. And I don't know how to say any of this to you well, because I don't want to hurt you, and I don't want to make things worse. I want us to be able to love each other well, and I want us to have a relationship. I want to be close to you, and I want us to grow together. You've helped me grow in so many ways, and into a better version of myself, and I want to keep going. And I think that I've helped you too. And I know that, especially, like, the last six months, I haven't been as helpful, because I haven't had capacity to do that. And I really let fear drive the bus a lot. And I know that I've helped you a lot. And I know that I've helped you a lot. And I think there are a lot of times where I should have been curious. I should have asked questions. I should have maybe challenged you in different ways to help you garner more insight for your own personal growth. But I was too afraid, because I thought that if I said something you didn't want to hear, then you would leave. I want to be able to be honest with you. I want to be able to call you in when you're being ridiculous. And I want you to be able to do that for me, too. I don't think that a relationship is worth much if the people in a relationship can't do that for each other. You know, neither of us are perfect. We're both fucked up in a lot of ways. And I don't think that we're perfect for each other. And I don't think that we're perfect for each other. You know, neither of us are perfect. We're both fucked up in a lot of ways and have our own biases and blind spots. And we can both be really rigid sometimes in things that aren't helpful for us, for our individual growth or for our relationships. And I want to help support you in growing through that. And I want you to be one of my people still that help me do the same. I love you, and you are so important to me. I I need to be able to feel like I don't have to edit myself around you. That I don't have to walk on tiptoes all the time. That the slightest, you know, action or thing that I say or do is going to hurt your feelings so badly that you're not going to be is going to hurt your feelings so badly that you limit time or take something away. I know that you think that you're not being punitive. That you're just trying to protect yourself and have firmer boundaries. And maybe that's true. And it's also punitive. I think both of those things can be true at the same time. And it's hurtful to me for you to not recognize that. It tastes like gaslighting, honestly. And I'm not okay with that. So I hope we can figure this out. I want to do life with you. I want to untangle this mess. I want to put the work in to rebuild the trust. I hope you want that too. I think in order to do that, we both need to put our egos down a little bit too. Neither of us are right or wrong all the time. And I know that you've never said that. But also, sometimes the way that you show up, the tone in your voice, or the way you say something or hold yourself, or comments that you make towards me or towards others, it gives off an impression of arrogance sometimes. Like, you're right and I'm wrong, or you're right and everybody else is wrong. And you're certain. And there's no room for flexibility or anybody else's perspective. And that's not helpful. It's not helpful for cultivating loving relationships. And I know that I can be like that sometimes too. That is something that I am actively working against in myself. And I think it would be helpful for you to acknowledge that. There's been so much focus on the hurt that we've caused each other. So much focus on the hurt that I've caused you. And I don't think that there's been a whole lot of focus on the effort that I have been putting in. And that feels really shitty. Like, it doesn't matter what I do, because it's never going to be good enough. There's always going to be something that you can find that will hurt you. And at this point, I think you're hurting your own feelings. Not assuming positive regard for me. Not assuming positive regard for you. And not assuming positive regard for me. And not assuming positive regard for you. And not assuming positive regard for you. And not assuming positive regard for you. And not assuming positive regard for you. Not assuming positive regard for me is hurting your own feelings. I have given you the benefit of the doubt so many times. You know, I have so many thought gremlins that like to spin stories. And I do my absolute best to challenge those and assume positive regard. And you know, I think I've come to center on that. I do believe that your intentions are not malicious. You know, I've gone back and forth with a couple people in the last few weeks on how from their perspective, they think that you're being mean to me, or cruel, or hurtful. And I am hurt. I'm really, really fucking hurt. And I also know that you don't want to hurt me. Your intentions do matter to me. Even if the impact hurts. And I just wish that you could give me the same. Because it really sucks for that to be so one-sided.