What’s your parent-child relationship when the kids leave home

The parent-child relationship changes when kids leave home. Some parents suffocate and smother their children by being too involved in their lives. Others provide support and advice but don't have control over their children's decisions. Rebecca believes in letting go and wants her children to see her as an example. There are different approaches to this changing relationship, from suffocation to being a refuge or an example. Letting go is seen as the ultimate form of nurturing. It's important for parents to have their own comfort zone and for kids to have their independence. Hello, Jeremy Dieter, and welcome to the Insight Post for the 27th of September, 2023. What's your parent-child relationship when the kids leave home? The parent-child relationship changes when the kids leave home. In the last few weeks, I've heard different stories about how these new relationships work and don't work. Stifling. Rebecca, a single mum in the States, told me how horrified she was to see friends forming WhatsApp groups to discuss every aspect of their children's new colleges. Who were the best and worst tutors? What the accommodation was like? Who their children were mixing with? The children, unsurprisingly, hated it. For Rebecca, this was the worst form of parenting. An inability to let go and, in the process, smothering the future development of their children. A sounding board. Conversely, Mike and Jo, a couple in the UK whose kids left home between eight and ten years ago, tell me how they are always there for their children. Mike and Jo recognise their children still need a backstop, a refuge when things go wrong, a place where they can find comfort and advice. The big difference for Mike and Jo is that they now have no control over their kids. They can advise, even see them heading down the road to disaster, but they cannot pressure their children to change course or take a different approach. Mike and Jo described how their parent-child relationship had changed from nurturers and shields to sounding boards, a responsibility they were happy to adopt. However, it caused them some anxiety occasionally. An exemplar. Unlike her parent friends, Rebecca is adamant that letting go of her children when they leave home is the best way forward for all of them. But unlike Mike and Jo, she feels that her children should see her as a paradigm as well as a refuge when things go wrong. Rebecca is a bit different from her friends, even a bit wacky. She is creative and believes you work for satisfaction first and money second. Rebecca is adamant that her children know she lives life to the fullest and will not put her dreams on the shelf. She wants her children to be proud of her as she is of them. These stories illustrate three different approaches to the changing relationships with children once they leave home. At one end of the spectrum, you can suffocate and smother. Alternatively, you can be an example to your children, or you can be somewhere in the middle, a sunning board and a refuge when needed. To cling or to let go. In simple terms, you can cling or you can let go when the kids leave home. Arguably, letting go is the ultimate form of nurturing. Both parents and children need their comfort zone and for parents, it is a time to grieve for a while. As so often, the words of William Blake, from his poem Eternity, show us a better parent-child relationship when the kids leave home. He who burns to himself a joy, does the winged life destroy. But he who kisses the joy as it flies, lives an eternity's sunrise.