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Talk: 19850218-Larry_Rosenberg-UNK-dialogue_problems_with_practice-1523 Leandra Tejedor Start_time: 40:59 Display_question: Can you speak about how to protect yourself in difficult relationships, especially with family? Keyword_search: difficulty, family, relationships, protecting, wedding, obstacles, Metta Meditation, life, Metta in action, St. Theresa of Avila, effort, sentimental fantasy, retreat, reaction, self-discovery, attitude, learn, awareness, relationship as a mirror, lovingkindness, patient, love, approval, attitude, dialogue, passive, inquiry, parents, free, father, mother, children, spiritual maturity, dependence, let go, marriage, reeducation, suffering Question_content: Questioner: I guess my question runs along those lines. I also had difficulty. One of the things that began to happen to me during my meditation, on the third part, was how I was splitting the person I had difficulty with, to the images of when I liked them, and when I had positive interaction, and imagining them… being cool or insensitive, or the times that I had trouble. And I was trying to bring those images together. I got very sad, and began to cry, and felt softened, and felt some resolution, whereas before I'd had a lot of pain in my body, in the meditation, I suddenly felt relaxed, and I sort of had washed out of me. But at that point, I had a lot of difficulty, because I have to have interaction with this person, and I felt well, how do I bring into my life, and how do I prevent myself from being hurt? How strong can I expect myself to be, in terms of where I'm at, you know my ability to hang on to this kind of awareness, and to what extent should I avoid this person? Break_line: What… If I can give an example, what this is coming up around, is my wedding, and my family, various members of my family, I think being putting a lot of obstacles, and very rejecting messages, and so on, and I have to, somehow find a way to include them. I just don't know how to handle that. Yeah. Can you speak to, at all, to protecting yourself? Larry: I'll speak to not protecting yourself. Yeah. The Metta work that we did, last evening, is meant to spill over into life. Metta in action, verbal Metta, in whatever we do. In just all the small considerations, as we live with each other. St. Theresa of, I'm not sure if it's Liso or Avila, you can help me. There was…when she was training, there was… one of the women in training, one of the novices I guess, was a very, hard person to be with. Everyone disliked her. No one wanted to do things with her. And the woman, who later became St. Theresa, decided that's exactly who she would work with all the time, you know, and so aligned herself with her, and of course, had her buttons pushed all the time, and that's why she picked her. Break_line: Now, for all embracing Metta to be a reality, it's going to take some effort. It's not a sentimental fantasy, you know, like we are all one. That won't take us very far. It's just a fantasy. Maybe it's a beginning. We are all one, except those people that you don't like, or who don't believe that we are all one. So, you have a concrete situation. Wonderful, though is it a bunch of people, or one person? Questioner: It’s three people. Larry: Okay, they can teach you much more than you can learn on this retreat, or to not set it up that way, they can complement what you learn on this retreat. But it has to do with how you work, with what comes up for you. In other words, guaranteed that it's just in telling it, it's very emotional for you, so they're going to be… challenging you, over and over again. And probably the natural reaction is… they're putting up obstacles, dislike. You know, it's kind of a circuit. You have a reaction, to what they're doing. Now the way out for us, is not to squash that, or to hide. You know, if you're being overrun, sometimes you may have to pull over to the side of the road, and regain your strength, and then go back into life again, in a sense. Break_line: But what you can do, if you have the right attitude, that is, to view it as an opportunity to learn, as a challenge for self-discovery, rather than as an occasion to… for right or wrong. Who's going to win out over who. They're going to do what they're going to do, probably. But, when you have your reactions, if your awareness can experience it, then this is what is known as, relationship as a mirror, because they're showing you that, you don't have all embracing lovingkindness. Here are three people who are proving it to you. Yeah. Questioner: I guess I feel that my reaction is hurt, before it is anger. I mean, my sense of, I’m a lot, I feel like I'm responding a lot better, than I used to years ago. But there comes a point that I wonder, what is the point, of exposing myself to, repeated injury? And is that really taking good care of me? Larry: It doesn't sound like it…So then, and again, this is not mechanical. It might, suggest that you should talk things out with them. Maybe you've already done that. Have you? Doesn't go anywhere. Questioner: Well, I could keep talking. I mean, I could make it a life process of, and I think that that I mean, it's I'm saying it in a humorous way, but I think that makes sense, to some extent. But what I…it's dangerous to me because what happens if it spills over into my relationship, and then I'm being discussed you know, that it’s an either or, if I'm patient over here, I tend to lose it over there. Larry: Okay. Do you love these people? Questioner: Yes. Larry: You don't want to lose them from your life. Questioner: No Larry: So there has to be continuity, dialogue et cetera. Why are they able to hurt you so much? Questioner: I think because of what I'm saying. It's because of the role I have fallen into with them, that I'm very passive, you know, well it's complicated. But I'm passive, and need to be more active. Larry: Okay, but even if that were so, why do they have the capacity to hurt you so much? You're hurting you. They can't hurt you unless you allow… this. Do you need their approval? Questioner: I feel like I need their love. Larry: Okay, in this case, they're not fully giving their approval, and or love to...you're getting married, and there's a part of you that needs it. Okay, so then the inquiry is pushed back a level. You have to see that. In other words, it's not easy. You're getting into very deep stuff now, and you have to see that, perhaps this is still your… I don't…see you're not telling me who they are, but is it parents and child something like that? Questioner: Yes Larry: Yeah, so then… we have to see that, I still want a certain kind of love from my mother, from my father, and they seem to not be able to give it to me, or whatever it is. I'm not getting what I want. The challenge would be, can you free yourself of that? Because maybe they will never change. I mean, I hope they do, for your sake, and for theirs, but we can't control the world. We have… somewhat of a chance that we work on ourselves. Break_line: So you have to see that you need their approval, the way a child needs the approval of a parent. In other words, you want to do those things which get approval from them, but there are a lot of things you want to do, that don't get approval. Do you want to stop doing those things? Probably not. Do you want to not marry this person, or you know, whatever the issues are? So if you've decided that this is your course of action, and they are who they are, what choices do you have? You can either avoid them, which you don't want to do, you can talk things out, which you've done, and I would suggest you continue that, just in my own case, with my own father years, and years, and years... finally we broke through, and it's worth it, just over and over, and over. Break_line: But the other is to, release yourself from a childish need, and I'm not saying this in a derogatory sense, we're all that way, we're all trying to grow up. Isn't that what a retreat is? We're all a bunch of children. You want to call it spiritual maturity, whatever label you put on it, we're all attempting to walk on our own two feet. So, you see this as an area that you're unable to do it, that as you want to do something, your parents don't like it, and you feel very hurt. So you could rearrange reality. But also, I think, what's very important, is to start to see what it takes for you to get hurt, that need, that dependence on them, and perhaps that can be loosened a little bit, and even let go of. And it doesn't mean that you won't love them. You might even love them more, for just who they are. They're incapable of being such and such. My father is still not crazy about what I do, you know, but it doesn't matter anymore. In other words, I respect his right, to not understand what I'm doing. Questioner: I feel like I'm taking a lot of... Larry: No. It's the same story for all of us. Questioner: I feel that what I'm doing isn't out of dependency. I feel that what happens is, when I go my own way its interpreted as disrespectful, and hurt, they get hurt. And maybe I shouldn't be trying to take care of their reactivity. But, and my thought is, if there's only a way to get married, that allows everyone to feel respected, that isn't a violation of myself also. So, it feels like, I guess what I'm saying, and maybe this is what maybe everyone could relate to, is sometimes you do things, and people have a crazy reaction to it, and I don't know… it just gets very complicated. Larry: Yeah, no, I understand it a lot better now. You know I think you're doing what you can do. I think you're being extremely generous and reasonable, and if you can at all arrange it so that everyone feels respected, wonderful. But supposing you can't. Questioner: That’s where I am at. Larry: Right. And your marriage is going to happen, at a finite time. In other words, this is a real thing that's about to happen, and it's bothering you. So, I would work there. It seems, in other words, it's not to discontinue the outer rearrangements, and dialogues, and all reeducation, whatever can be done. But in the meantime, you're suffering, and they may not change. They may go to the wedding, with a certain look on their face. Questioner: If you send Metta to yourself, because of that hurt, and that need, and need to feel loved, if you submit Metta meditation to, that's what ends up happening. Larry: Okay, be careful there. That is..that’s what Metta is designed for. And that's a wonderful suggestion, but if the Metta is used at the expense of understanding, then I wouldn't trust it so much. Do you know what I'm trying to say? In other words, if you're just smoothing… there's something that needs working over in your relationship. And if you… just every time the problem goes up, whoops Metta, may they be happy, may it be peaceful may…now some of the Metta, may lay the groundwork for you being able to actually learn too, but it won't have a real solid basis if you’re…if there's any resistance to looking at what the trouble is. I don't think it's a, replacement, for understanding. It kind of works along with it. End_time: 52:39
