Q1-20150909-Larry_Rosenberg-CIMC-dharma_talk-31357

Talk: 2015-09_09 Dharma Talk.json Start_time: 00:58:56 Display_question: Can you share your point of view about attachment in relationship, in order to not suffer in the present moment? Keyword_search: attachment, mindful, present, suffer, relationship, Central Square, Google, war, mothers, monastics, non-attachment, awareness, wisdom, kindness Question_content: Questioner: I have a question on attachment, and this has been with me all day. I haven't been mindful, I guess, but attachment, right. And you brought it up as far as relationship's concerned, right. And this is going to affect me in the present? Like I'm not sure if I’m…I just want to know as far as people is concerned. I have a cousin who's been really good to me, and I just don't want to suffer, in the present, by putting too much, too much pressure? Larry: You don't want to separate what? Questioner: I don't want to suffer in the present? Larry: Oh, yes. Questioner: By putting too much pressure on her, because she's been good to me. So as far as being attachment with people, and relationship, because there's only been a handful of people that's been good to me in my life. Larry: I hear you loud and clear. Go ahead. Questioner: As far as people are concerned, as attachment, can you tell me your point of view, as far as attachment is concerned, with relationship? How you see it so you don't suffer in the present? Larry: Yes. Questioner: Can you share your insight? Larry: Do my best. First of all, that's the hardest one for all of us. What you're getting at. That's a large part of what the center is dedicated to doing. We've jumped right into the full catastrophe. Why start a center right here near Central Square? And it's not residential by intent. We throw you back into your life. Come here and learn some skills. Go back out. Come here and do some practice. Go back out, go here, there here, there. Where are you right now? Hello? Questioner: Yes. Larry: Where are you? Questioner: Where do I live? Larry: No, where are you? It seemed like you weren't listening. Were you distracted? Questioner: Kind of. Larry: Why? Questioner: Because I wanted… Larry: It's not to blame you. We can do some work right now. Right in this moment. Questioner: Because I wanted to get this question while you were here. Larry: I'm about to answer it. But then you left the present moment. Why? Questioner: Because I wanted to make sure. Because this was an important question for me. Larry: Yes. Questioner: Because I wanted to get you while you were here. Larry: I want to answer it, but I want to answer it to you. Questioner: Okay. Larry: Right. But it looked like at that point you left. Where did your mind go? You don't have to tell me, but you have to know. It's very important. It’s not to criticize you. It's the way we humans are. Okay. No, I hear you. It's a very profound question, but in order for me to answer it, I want to make sure that I'm talking to you. Questioner: Okay. Larry: That you and I are connected. Otherwise, what's the point? I'm not into giving speech. I'm not Google. What is the relationship of attachment and love? Press. Google will give you thousands of research studies, and videos, and do a much better job than I can. But I want you and I, to do what we can, because it's a difficult question. Questioner: Okay. Larry: I heard you. The center was started because we want meditation to not be reserved for just special places, like here, or retreat centers, but for it to be useful. Or let's put it as a question, can awareness, and learning, be brought into relationship, so that it actually helps us? Because we humans are very bad at living with each other. Have you noticed? Questioner: Right. Larry: It's called war in the extreme. Look at the planet. We've learned we're brilliant, but not at this. Okay. So let's, for the moment, make a distinction between attachment and love. I'm going to take a really hard one because I get asked this a lot by mothers, who say, look, I'm very attached to my child. And you keep talking about nonattachment. Many of the monastics who have not had children, and I have not had my own children, but I have stepchildren. And so, I don't know it the way someone who's changed diapers, and all the rest knows. I freely admit I'm not that qualified, but many of you are. And so here, not being attached to someone you love, like your cousin is very hard. But if you pay attention, there is a difference. In other words, don't try to be nonattached. That would just be some idea that you run after. But notice because your question suggests that your love, to some degree, is being compromised by the fact that you're grasping on, perhaps you're afraid of losing, or you're afraid of losing her affection, or you don't want to push too hard. Questioner: I don't want to strangle or… because people go through changes, like, she might go through there, like expectations, she might have her own issues, and I might strangle her, or grasp too hard. She can't be there for me because I'm grasping too high. Yes. And that might be where the non-attachment might be good, because I'm expecting too much from her. Larry: Okay. All I can say is your cousin, is your cousin, you have to work on…. here the emphasis is always start with yourself. It doesn't mean, let's say you're in the presence of your cousin, and something like this energy, is going on between the two of you. It is possible to learn how to pay full attention to your cousin, so you're not neglecting her. Her or him, whoever and you're in touch with yourself. And there is a difference between, when you're holding on, and you can see a feeling of insecurity, of fear, of loss, of dependency. That isn't love. Break_line: Love, first of all, the love I'm talking about in Dharma terms, is not honey, I love you, baby booby, but if you leave me, I'll kill you. That's not…not popular music love. But then what is unrealistic, is the thought. Let's say, I have not met a mother who loves her children, who can say, I'm totally unattached. But here's where this practice has helped mothers, and by extension, you and your cousin. By paying attention to, let's say something, the attachment. The child eventually grows up, and then they want more, and more, to be on their own, and leave home, and go to school, or whatever it is they do. And you begin to see that, you're holding on well, it's actually you're not doing a good job of mothering, that you're creating a problem with your child. Because letting go doesn't mean that you don't love them. It just means that you're giving them more freedom. Break_line: So, in your case, everything…your apprehension about how you might have a negative effect. You care about your cousin, which is great. And you can learn it in relationship. But you have to be in touch with yourself. The clearer you get, the more you're able to see, what's appropriate. When to be silent and listen to your cousin. When to speak, when to draw her out and saying, am I asking too much of you? In other words, maybe. People often don't want to talk about what's on their mind, mostly. And they just stew in it internally, and they talk to everyone else about it, therapists, meditation, teachers, friends, and not the person. But to talk to the person it's best if there's some awareness, some wisdom, and some kindness. We balance what I was talking about earlier, so that you're doing it, and it won't be perfect. So I haven't met a mother yet who can say I'm totally unattached. And I think if some okay, do you see what I'm getting at? So even what little when you can see the difference between grasping. Don't go for perfection. Just see a little bit of it, and see oh, look how this is affecting me. Start with yourself. You're a little bit of a casualty. And then how can that not affect your cousin? Questioner: Yeah. Larry: Okay. So as you work on yourself, you're actually helping her. Questioner: Yeah. I was just saying that in general relationships with people…. Larry: It's all the same. Yes. Questioner: Thank you. Larry: Sure. End_time: 01:07:48