testimony

The person, named Jalyn or Tello, discusses their personal testimony and journey with God. They talk about growing up in a Catholic school and feeling disconnected from the God they were taught about. They go through a phase of being a cynical atheist, but eventually have a moment where they feel the need to pray to God. They make a promise to serve God if their prayer is answered, but they hear a voice in their head saying they won't follow through. They struggle with depression and turn to alcohol as a coping mechanism. They also mention wanting to be desired by men and eventually dating for marriage. Hello! Hi! My name is Jalyn and, ew, no. My name is Tello. Ugh. It is really odd hearing yourself in these headphones like this. Like, I'm just very loud in my headphones. So let's see if we can turn it down. Can we? Are we turning it up? Oop, that was very loud. Okay, I think I'm a little quieter. Okay. I don't know. Like, I just feel like Radio Rebel a little bit. But, I want to share my testimony. Silence. Went over the crowd. No, um. I feel like my testimony, everybody's testimony is very, obviously personal, but it's very deep. Um, I saw this TikTok today that was like, God had to break you to rebuild you. And, talking about being broke down isn't something that is easy. Or something I want to share with everybody, like, it's probably your roughest moment and you don't want to spread that, but your testimony within itself is so powerful because it's how you came to God. So no matter what it is, I just want to let you know that it's important. Like, you know, you did what you did here. You did your big ones, okay? You did your big one, okay? But, um, I guess this is time to start. My testimony started in high school. I'm a sophomore in college now, but started my junior-ish senior year in high school. I went to a Catholic school and I was taught about God. And, I understood that it definitely did play a negative role in our, me and God's relationship, because being taught who God is, God is different for everybody. God has done different things for everybody. So being taught to love a God that is like this, I don't know how to explain it, but it just created this big divide in me and God's relationship. And I grew up knowing God. I always say, you know, you know of God, but you don't know him. And I knew of God. I grew up knowing of God. I never really tried to have a more personal relationship with him. But, um, back in high school, like I said, I was being taught about God. And the God that I was being taught about, I just really wasn't vibing with. I wasn't clicking with it. And I'm like, I don't want to love and like serve this God. And this is not a person. I think this is who God is, you know? So it was a point where I grew very cynical. I was a cynical atheist. I would almost like just try to get in an argument with every Christian. And that was a big part of my life for a moment. And I just calmed down. I was just like, Jalen, what, God works for Christians, and it doesn't work for you. And that's okay. Just love everybody and let people do what they do. And that was a majority of my senior year. And the summer before I was going off to college for my freshman year, I will never, ever, ever, ever forget this. I was in my aunt's house. I was at my aunt's house. And it's me, my mom, my aunt, my cousin. And we're just in there talking. And my aunt's like, there's gonna be, she's like, there's gonna be a point in your life where you're going to need God. There's going to be a point in your life where you're going to need God. And I didn't get defensive, but I was like, no, like, God just doesn't work for me. And I've accepted that, like, it doesn't work for me. And all she said was, okay. And I go off to school, go off to college, and I meet this guy. And he's very, very attractive. And also, leading up to this point, I was like, literally 11 months celibate, I believe, like close to a year celibate. And I meet this guy and start hanging out. And I think I just wanted to have sex with him because I was on my own. And I could almost like, I didn't have to sneak around sneak, you know, so my mom won't find out anything like that. I could just do it, you know, like Nike, unfortunately. But, but I plan to hang out with this guy. And I remember first time I went to his room. I don't remember if he lives on the third floor or something. But every RA in the building could not be found. He locked himself out. And every RA in the building could not be found. And I was just feeling in my gut this time. Again, I did not know Jesus, I did not know how God worked. But I was like, in my gut, I'm just like, something's a little weird. I don't know. I don't know. But I'm just like, okay. And we're sitting in the room, we're hanging out, we're kissing, whatever. And I just don't want to have sex. Like that. I'm not there yet. You know, this is my first I've been with intimately since my self-esteem. I'm not ready just to jump in, you know. But after a couple more times of us hanging out, we ultimately end up having sex. Yeah, this is very, I've never like, spoke about this so candidly. So this is a lot. But after a couple times of us saying that we end up having sex, and I had like this pain near my intimate area, near my vaginal area. And I was just like, okay, probably like an ingrown, probably like a pimp or something. I shaved like nothing crazy. And I went back home because it was my aunt's wedding. Not the same aunt, but different aunt. It was my aunt's wedding, so I went home. And I'm getting ready for the wedding. And I'm like, sitting on my bed, and I put lotion on. And I see that I have a breakout. And I instantly knew what it was, and obviously, where it came from. And my mood immediately changed. I just got completely silent, because it was just so many things like going through my head. But the most ironic thing was, I remember thinking years ago, I was like, you can have sex with one person, and they could like, completely change your life. It was very random. Like years prior to this, I just kept like thinking that for like a couple months. And yeah, I noticed that. And I just, I went to, I went into an immediate depression, you know, because there's so many things that you don't think about, especially as a woman, like, am I going to be able to have a family now? Like, is my family going to be, it's in my blood. So I can't, can I carry a child? Am I like, never gonna have sex again? A big thing for me was, who's going to want to be with me? Who's going to want to marry me? Have a life for me? My dad wouldn't want to cry. But who's going to want to be with me after they know what I have? Sorry, I'm sorry, take a breath. Yeah. But I immediately prayed, which is so funny to me. Because again, I was an atheist at this point. Like I was an atheist. So I don't like pray. It was just like an immediate reflex. Okay, I need to pray, you know. So I'm, I'm, again, this is so vivid to me, even though it was a year ago, it feels like I'm still there. And I'm like, I'm sitting at my desk. And I'm praying, I'm like, God, if you take this away from me, if you make sure this isn't so, I swear, I will start, I will serve you. I'm turning my life completely around. My life is yours. And I remember praying and thinking, a thought came into my head. And it was really, the thought was, no, you won't. The thought was, no, you won't. As I'm praying this prayer, I'm saying, God, if you do what you do, if you work this miracle out, my life is yours. And I'm going to serve you. And he said, no, you won't. What? Literally, and I'm like, but at first, I didn't, I didn't know God could speak to you. When people say that, like, yeah, God spoke to me or God speaks to you if you ask. I'm like, Oh, probably do like signs and stuff like that. But I did not know God actually spoke. I did not know he literally spoke to you. So I'm like, okay. I'm like, why would I think this? Like, I'm like, if I'm asking God to do something for me, why would I sit here and like, why would I? I was playing with this. Sorry. But okay, um, let's get back on track. Okay. I'm asking God, hey, can you do this for me and my life is yours? Why would I like think I won't change my life? He can, if he knows my heart, if he knows my heart's desires, you think he can't read my mind. I knew this. I'm like, God can read my mind. And I just just said, I'm not going to serve him. And I'm like, you know what? No, the power is in the tongue. Okay. I at least I knew that. And I'm like, I swear, God, if you, if you do this for me, my life is yours and I'm serving you and did it. And same thing. No, you won't. That's how I say it. No, you won't. And I'm like, okay. So I'm just saying, okay, Jalen, you just have a negative mindset right now. I'm just like, Jalen, you just, you just not there yet. And majority of my first semester in college, I was severely depressed. Dealing with this new thing. I was just so it consumed my mind. Like literally, it consumed my mind for months. Like, all I could think about is really all I could think about. And I started to fall behind in school because I'm just like, I want to literally die. Like, speaking candidly, I did not see a point in my life anymore. So I'm like, ain't no point school. It was just crazy. Also, I was in a major that I hated. I was a math education major. And I realized I hate math. I do not like math. And so that was really bringing my confidence down. But I was just really, really, really, really, really depressed. Majority of my first semester, actually, I would say all of my first semester, because my interaction with him was with the guy was like the first week of school. So literally the entire first semester, I was severely depressed. And so to kind of counteract that mental illness, I figured out what what alcohol is. I started going out to the bars and drinking and did it and did it. And even though I felt as if, you know, I'm not going to say that, but it was like a different, it was like a fantasy for me. You know, it was fun for me to get so drunk that I can't, for my mind can't, so my mind can't be consumed with this event that just took place. But also, it was fun getting all cute and dressed up for men to want me. And that was something I wanted men to want me because I was like, there's gonna be a point where I'm gonna get older and I'm a date for marriage. I'm not gonna date. Now, even though I talk about this later, but I am dating for marriage now, but like, it's different, you know, when you're 20s and 30s, like, you're not dating to like, see where this goes, you want to, you know, marriage. And I'm like, there's gonna be a point in my life, I'm gonna get to that point where I'm gonna initially, me and whoever I meet, we're going to meet and have the thought of marriage. Like, that's what we want out of each other. And I'm going to tell him about this. But as of right now, I'm only 18. I want to, I want to live it up. I want I want men to want me. I want men to see me in the club. I want them to be like, Oh, who's she? I need a drink of water. My mouth is very dry, very, very dry. I'm so sorry about that. I am so sorry. But anyway, I guess I want a man to want me. So I thought I would go out, I would go out to have that fantasy of to be chased again by men without them knowing what I really have going on, who I really am. And I spent the majority of my first half of my first semester just out drunk. And then, you know, I spent the rest of my first half of my first semester just out drunk. And then, you know, I spent the rest of my first half of my first semester just out drunk. And then, you know, I spent the rest of my first half of my first semester just out drunk. And then, you know, I spent the rest of my first half of my first semester just out drunk. And then, you know, I spent the rest of my first half of my first semester just out drunk. And then, you know, I spent the rest of my first half of my first semester just out drunk. And then, you know, I got into like a little situation. I was just like, Okay, I'm good. I'm going out. I'm okay. And I started to do edibles. Very, very, very bad. Like I was addicted to edibles. Sorry, I was addicted to edibles. I was addicted to edibles. I mean, I just I was numb. I would get so high to a point I literally cannot speak. I remember it was me and my friends. And I was like, Oh, my God, I'm so drunk. And I was like, Oh, my God, I'm so drunk. And I was like, Oh, my God, I'm so drunk. And I was like, Oh, my God, I'm so drunk. And I was like, Oh, my God, I'm so drunk. And I was like, Oh, my God, I'm so drunk. And I was like, Oh, my God, I'm so drunk. And I was like, Oh, my God, I'm so drunk. And I was like and I was like, Oh, my God, I'm so drunk. And I was like, Oh, my God, I'm so drunk. And I was like, Oh, my God, I'm so drunk. And I was like, Oh, my God, I'm so drunk. And I was like, Oh, my God, I'm so drunk. And I was like, Oh, my God, I'm so drunk. And I was like, Oh, my God, I'm so drunk. And I was like, Oh, my God, I'm so drunk. And I was like, Oh, my God, I'm so drunk. And I was like, Oh, my God, I'm so drunk. And I was like, Oh, my God, I'm so drunk. And I was like, Oh, my God, I'm so drunk. And I was like, Oh, my God, I'm so drunk. And I was like, Oh, my God, I'm so drunk. 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And I was like, Oh, my God, I'm so drunk. And I was like, Oh, my God, I'm so drunk. And I was like, Oh, my God, I'm so drunk. And I was like, Oh, my God, I'm so drunk. And I was like, Oh, my God, I'm so drunk. And I was like, Oh, my God, I'm so drunk. And after I say that prayer, I'm like, Okay, God, like there's something weird about our relationship. And literally, God gave me the best visual ever. You know, like when somebody's in jail, and they talk to that person, like through like the phone or like the glass. That's literally what it was. But God was just looking at me. He had no desire to reach out for me. He had no desire to help me. I'm crying again. And this is the same guy when I was crying. Six months prior, he was and I'm pleading for him to take my life. He's consoling me and saying not yet and all this. The same God is just staring at me as I'm pleading and crying to him again. And I'm just like, um, and that's when I realized I think that's when I realized that spirit. And one night again, I'm praying before I go to sleep. And it's like somebody was watching over me. It felt like somebody was just watching me. I just felt very unsafe and very uncomfortable. And that's never ever a thing. And I'm praying and if you are praying, and you feel uncomfortable, or you think somebody is watching over you in a space where you know that there could be nobody else around. I need you to say in that moment, I rebuke any and all spirits that do not come from Jesus Christ in the name of Jesus Christ. I promise you, it will disappear. But I did that. And then I'm like, these spirits, they may be like watching over me in my room or whatever, but there's still some in me. So I'm like, also y'all this summer, I gave up weed too. I wasn't smoking or anything. So I go to, what's his name? So I'm praying and I'm like, alright, I'm about to cast some demons out of me. So I'm like, okay, all demons who are living in me, you gotta go in the name of Jesus Christ. And I started feeling high. Genuinely, like I just sat here and smoked a blunt. That's what it felt like. So I'm like, uh, what is this? But after that, I mean, it definitely did take some time for me and God's relationship to come back. But it was when I had to turn my back to literally everything that corrupted me. And that meant social media, taking a break from people. And I was like, you know what, the people who have my number of people have my numbers, people that can contact me, taking a break from smoking and drinking and partying and going out, stuff like that. Only thing I did this summer was work and pray. That's it. I started reading my Bible. I literally cracked open my Bible for the first time this summer. And why ain't nobody telling me to get in my work? Actually, that's the story. Nobody told me to get in my work. I chose not to listen again. But I don't know if that was the first time. Actually, that's the first time I cracked open my Bible was second semester. But I really wasn't reading it. I was reading what people told me to read, you know. But when I really started reading, what I would do is I would kind of pray and talk to God, talk to God about some things I was going through, even if it wasn't like something that really had me been out of shape or just something that was just like in my week, like, hey, I wasn't really happy when this happened. I would just come to Him about it. And I would ask Him plainly, like, can you give me, you know, just somewhere in the Bible that will help me with this? And He would, like, literally, like, lock work. I remember it was like, wow. I was overwhelmed, overcome with a whole bunch of sexual desire. And it was very weird because it wasn't like my soul, like me, Jalen, Tello. I did not want to have sex. I had no desire to have sex. But it was like my body did. And I'm like, okay, that makes sense. I'm about to go on my period. You know, that's normal. But then I'm like, okay, this isn't going on for entirely too long. It went on for like a month. And I prayed. And I'm like, God, I don't know what's going on. And I'm like, can you give me something in the book in the Bible? And He did. But then I'm like, Jalen, you know this was like the work from Satan, right? Spiritual warfare. And so I was like, hey, Satan, I'd be getting wrecked with Satan. Hey, Satan, stop. In the name of Jesus Christ. That's it. Stop. In the name of Jesus Christ. Leave me alone. Simple enough. Leave me alone. And it would work. And that worked. And that was gone. But during the summer in Southern Illinois, me and God began real close. I don't care about nothing. I don't care if God took you out of my life. It's okay, because God took you out. You wasn't supposed to be here. Whatever was going on, I put my trust in Jesus. The fact that Jesus never, ever, ever turned me around. Jeremiah 29 verse 11, say it with me. For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper, plans not to harm you. God ain't never, ever, ever, ever put you in a position that's going to hurt you. But there's like a moment, like July. I started feeling a little inadequate as a big sister. I have a couple younger siblings. I'm like, it felt as if they were passing me up. And I'm like, Jalen, they're going to catch up to you. You're supposed to be ahead of them. You're supposed to be like their, you know, like who they look up to. Like they're going to be looking, like you're going to be looking up to them. And I used to struggle with self-harm a couple years ago, but like it wasn't nothing that was prevalent in my life, still isn't prevalent in my life. But in that moment, for some reason, I cut myself again. And that's it. I did it. And crazy enough, you know, all my many years of self-harm, this is the only one that left a mark, only one that left a scar. And this feeling, well, at first that feeling went away, but I still was just feeling blah, like I've been working too much. I was working like close to a full-time job. Actually, I was working a full-time job. You know, I'm working. So I'm like, that could play a big part. But I'm like, when I really sat down and thought about it, there was nothing in my life that was triggering me and or causing this like depression, literally nothing. But I'm like, okay, it has to be something. And this, again, feeling went on for like a month. And I went to God about it. I said, God, well, actually, I went to church. I went to church. I went to church alone. I didn't go with nobody else. And I got prayed for. But as they were praying over me, I'm crying. But this is different because I couldn't even stand. Like my knees was going weak. I'm like, like it was taking everything out of me to cry these tears. And one of the care pastors at my church, she said something that was just so, it really just gave me chills again. Crying is cleansing. Crying is removing anything that's not supposed to be in you, you know. So it makes sense why that cry was so vicious, because it was just like, it was weeks of heartache, just building up. But it still didn't go away. I thought it wouldn't, but it didn't go away. I stopped going to church for like two weeks, something like that. And I came to God about it. And I said, God, I've been feeling bleh. I don't know what to do about it. And before I could even finish my prayer, He said, Job 4.3. And, excuse me, I don't have like my actual Bible with me. I was doing work, and I just got called. God told me to do this. But the Bible, I kind of have like a gist of what it is. And this is the, like this version is like the easy to read version. So it's going to be different among all, you know. Job 4.3. He literally said, listen, you have taught many people, you have helped weak people be strong. That's what it is. Listen, you have taught many people, and you have helped weak people be strong. And as I read that, I read like the first half of Job. And I'm like, I promise y'all, I don't know much about the Bible. I did not know much about the Bible, especially at that time. I did not know much about the Bible. So I'm like, okay. I didn't know Job was like that. I was going through a Job moment. And that cleared everything up. I want to tell you, after I read that, I didn't have no feelings of depression. I was like, OMG. And I'm just like, alright, bro, this is God. And I feel like I just said a whole bunch of everything. But I just want to kind of wrap this up by saying that the end of the summer, I did give my life to Christ. I got baptized. I got baptized. And oh, actually, I got to speak about this. I'm not wrapping this up. Sorry. I got baptized. And when I got baptized, when I came up, Satan put a thought in my head. And he made me like, remember, like, oh, like, you're still dirty. And it was like the breakout. Like, that's still in you. You still have that. And I'm like, and I thought about it. I thought, you know, it's memories that I have. You know, I lived that. And when I thought about that, all I could think about was nothing. Nothing came to mind. My mind was clear. It was the brightest shade of white I could ever imagine. Like the cleanest linen you can think of. And I'm just like, God washed me clean, baby. You could, you could try to, try to make me reminisce about my old life, about the things I did, but God made me clean. He made me new. This little pool, this may look like a pool to you, but baby, this is my life being renewed. I want to cry right now. I'm trying to like hold it back, but I want to cry. Like, I'm renewed. God loved me enough to see all that and still wash me new because he just wants me to be with him. Wow. Wow. Wow. I'm going to wrap that up there. But I just want to talk about everybody. And a thought that I constantly had was I need to be perfect. I need to fix the things I have going on in my life that aren't good for me. I need to eliminate those and I need to by myself eradicate them before I can come to God. I want to tell you how false that is. You come to God to get cleaned. If you are dealing with depression, if you're dealing with lust, if you're feeling with addiction, if you're dealing with anxiety, come to God with those. I know your heart is heavy. I physically, I emotionally, I mentally know what you're feeling. Come to God about it. I swear it won't. It's the best thing you will do. I promise. I just want to pray. So we're going to pray. Lord, thank you for giving me the breath to speak your story and the way you changed my life. Thank you for changing my life. Thank you for making me the best version of myself, making me the most lovable version of myself. And thank you for loving me when I was unlovable. Lord, I hope whoever and whenever they hear this is the perfect time for them. And I just hope that you plant a seed. Well, I hope that you grow and water the seed that I planted today and hope that they grow and blossom in your faith and with you and just to understand what it's like to walk with you. I pray all this in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen. Y'all, your story is important because it is what brought you to God. If that meant you had to be broken down, if that meant you had to go to your deepest and darkest moment, you had to go in the spot which you didn't think you could come out of, you're going to come out of it. I saw, I think he's a preacher on TikTok. He's a preacher who has a TikTok account. And he said, if God brought you in it, he's going to bring you to it and bring you out of it. Nothing is by accident. Everything is intentional. And when you get to that point, you can't do anything but get on your knees and pray. Do it. That's what God wants and it's going to change your life. I love you. God loves you. And God bless.