we are who we think we are

The speaker is setting up a microphone and recording a podcast for herself. She talks about her struggles with planning and procrastination, and how she often acts on impulse. She mentions her extensive use of the Notes app on her phone, where she documents various thoughts and ideas. She plans to discuss topics from her Notes app in her podcast and potentially have guests on. She also mentions her friends sending each other podcast-like audio messages. In the second part of the recording, she reads a note from December 2020 about self-identity and the constant changes in thoughts, emotions, and beliefs. She ends the recording by mentioning she is eating chocolate chip cookies. Hello. I really hope this works. I've tried doing so much troubleshooting and I think I finally got it to work. Now, I have this mic that I'm using. It says blue on it. I'm guessing that's the brand. And I just really don't know how to navigate this. I don't know whether to hold it, whether to set it down, where to sit. I don't know, you know, what to be doing while I just talk. Right now I'm holding the mic and it's honestly awfully heavy for just a little mic, even though it's pretty big actually. It's just this round circle. I guess it's a sphere. Anyway. Hello. My name is Genevieve. If we haven't met yet, this is, that sounds like my Cyclebot intro. I always go, hello Friday, my name is Genevieve. If we haven't met yet, I'm going to be taking you through the next 45 minutes of this classic ride. If you want to do me a new favor and look down at that screen, I'm sorry, I'm not going to recycle the whole thing. Anyway, we're already off to a bad start. That's just a one minute ramble. Anyway, my name is Genevieve. This will likely go to no one ever. It's simply for future Genevieve to just have in her back pocket or on her laptop, as most things are these days. It is, what's today? February 26th, 2023. It's a Sunday evening, 9.51pm. I guess that's more night time than evening. I don't really know how the cut off is, to be quite honest. Anyway, I'm just home alone, as I am most of the time, and I finally figured out how I could plug this mic into my laptop, because I've had this mic for a little bit now. It's a USB mic, and my laptop is USB-C plug only, because Apple hates people and wants them to forage for new cords all the time. Anyway, but I realized that I had this adapter for my SD cards, and it has a little USB port on it, which is amazing. So I've been toying around with setting this mic up, and finally just getting the podcast show on the road. And I really need to sit down and plan this, even though it's not for anybody but myself. I don't plan on ever putting this out anywhere for public listening. I think one of my biggest struggles, and I'm sure I'll get into this eventually, because it ties back to my daily struggles all the time, which is really what this podcast is about. Actually, I don't know, is it? But my struggle is that I'm kind of just all over the place, and not in an ADHD sense, but just in a way that I... Maybe it is an ADHD sense, but I'm not chaotic. I just get really overwhelmed when things aren't laid out, but I don't like laying things out. I don't like the routine of everything. I like being spontaneous and thinking creatively on the fly, but then I get really stressed out because I'm not that type of person. At least I don't think I am. Anyway, which ties really well into today's topic, which we'll get into. But I haven't really given this podcast much thought, even though I have been thinking about it for quite a few years now. I think my junior year, either my junior or my senior year of high school, I wanted to start a podcast, and I never did because it was just one of those things that I thought I would just get around to, and then you never get around to it, which is really just the story of life, I suppose. But yeah, so even though it's been in the background of my brain for many, many years, it was one of those things that I didn't actually take action towards, because I'm really bad at doing things like that. It's the same about journaling or making a scrapbook. I'm like, oh, I can always do that a different day. And then it's always that same sentence all over and over and over, and then different days keep coming, but different days keep holding these empty promises of doing whatever you said you were going to do. And I think a lot of us struggle with that, but it's really one of my major, major struggles, which makes sense, because I'm a massive procrastinator, but not that I like it. I don't really know where that left off. I'm really, I'm getting confused by all of this. I don't really know what I'm doing. Once again, I stopped it. How did I do that? Literally, how did I manage to do that? I don't know. But as I was saying, I think I'm going to get really sick of myself saying um a lot, so I'm going to cringe while I listen back, but that'll have to get better. Anyway, so yeah, I haven't put a lot of planning or thought into this at all, and like I said, I act on impulse a lot of the time, so this was just like a, oh, I found my USB port, might as well just sit down, set it up, and record a little clip. So that's exactly what I'm doing here, but I feel like if I keep getting into this, then I'll start putting thought into it, but for now, I hate wasting my time, so I'm not going to be, I'm not going to be really focusing too, too much of my, um, not brain power, because that sounds bad, but just, I'm not going to make myself get ahead of myself, you know? So, yeah, that's really all I have to say for that. Um, once again, if I could just stop it, that would be amazing. Either way, we spin it. I think that this podcast, well, it doesn't need a title, but I'm giving it a title because that sounds more fun, is going to be something about notes app, like inside the notes app, or, um, really, that's all I've got right now is inside the notes app. I just think it's so funny and so fitting, and I said that I might have to redo my introductory podcast, like episode, because this isn't a very good introductory episode, because I haven't planned it. Maybe next time I sit down, I'll do like a get to know me, which is so funny, because I know myself. Well, we'll talk about that too, I guess. Um, but I'm really just recording this for nobody, maybe my children one day, if that ever comes to fruition. Um, or my friends, if I'm feeling really extra open about things, because the thing about my notes app is it documents my entire life in such an odd way. Everybody who knows me, if there's one thing you know about me, it's probably that I, you know, that I use my notes app, like it is something that I get paid to do. I think I have, let me check the exact number. I have 1056 notes on this phone, which is crazy. But the, I mean, a lot of them are just stupid. Some of them are like grocery lists. Some is literally just like one line from a book that I've read or a song that I've heard. Some of them are essays, you know, like full blown essays. Honestly, a lot of them recently have been my discussion board posts before I post them on Canvas. So there's a whole mixing bowl of things. And one day I'll just go through the funny things that are on that too, because I sometimes scroll through and I give myself a little laugh, because I forget that I write all these things and they're so random. Anyway, so I kind of want to, if not every time I record, maybe just like once every couple of times, go through my notes app and either pick a couple, or if it's a longer one, pick one note in there that is just like something that I can talk about and then kind of just talk about it. And if it's from a little while ago, I can talk about what my feelings about it are now, or even if it's not from a little while ago, just how my opinions change, because a lot of these are opinion-based. And then, yeah, things like that. Also anything that I say in Cyclebot or I hear in Cyclebot that affects me usually goes in my notes first, so it'll come up eventually. But I don't know, it's just really just a feelings podcast. If I keep up with this, I would love to have people on. I know Claire wants to do this with me, I think that would be so epic. Or even Olivia and Adam while they're abroad. But anyway, my friends and I always send each other podcasts over WhatsApp. We will just record like, it's usually like three to six minutes of just us talking, maybe once a week or once every couple of days, and everybody just kind of gives an update and we'll be like really active and responding for like an hour, and then everybody just kind of drops off. Because after a while, it's hard to just keep listening to audio messages. Because you have lives and jobs and you're hanging around people and things, it's not always appropriate to be playing a six minute clip. But I don't know, this could be a fun way of just like, having my own little podcast-y type situation without the obligation of responding before, you know, the conversation dies off in the group chat. Anyway, so that was an entire ten and a half minutes spiel about absolute nothingness. I apologize. I would say in advance, but it's already happened. So, fat lot of good that does. Today, I kind of just wanted to talk, and I might redo this episode because once again, I haven't given it much thought. I just went through my notes app and picked a random note that I found. Well, it wasn't random, I was thinking about it today. And I found a note from December 9th, 2020 at 3.56pm, which is kind of funny because most of my notes, especially the longer ones are the ones that I know were more like emotionally driven. I usually write them either really late at night or really early in the morning, and this one was at four o'clock in the afternoon. So, I don't know where I was mentally, physically, at this point. Kind of funny though. But basically, I'll just read the note and then I'll maybe just dissect it a little bit, or maybe I just won't and I'll just read it and then that'll be it. I don't know what I'm doing, but I'm also eating some chocolate chip cookies. So, I titled it, We Are What We Believe We Are. Maybe why I'm so confused all the time. I don't know what I am. I'm not sure what I believe I am. How am I to be sure of myself when I'm constantly changing? Changing my thoughts and the way I act, my emotions, feelings, they're never stationary. At the point where I could swear I am the most true I've ever been is also the point where I know nothing about myself. The me who is selfless and emotional, not for herself, but for every other person incoming. The me who is guarded so that others can confide in her. The me who showed no pain, no worry, nothing within. She is who I feel most true being. But she also causes me the most pain. All of the emotions I lack to show instead show inside. When I'm alone and full of thoughts, it's the me who I thought I believed I am that makes me upset. I become a version of me who is vulnerable and open and hurting, yet it's only in solitude where I feel all of my versions meeting at a point. So this is kind of interesting because I remember vaguely writing this note. I don't remember the specifics of it, why I wrote it, or anything like that. Usually I would look around at the notes I wrote before on Ofda, a really dramatic note to see if I wrote anything else that would lead me to know what I was thinking at this time. But when I read it, I was kind of interested by it because it's now almost, so I guess it's pretty much two and a little bit years later after, no, one, yes, two and let's say a quarter years after the fact. And I thought that, I don't know, I think foundationally I still believe this note to be true. Foundationally, when you like break it down and you really just strip it to the core, we are what we believe we are. I think, maybe this is just me speaking for me, but I am very easily convincing myself of what I am. And not in a way that like, I don't really know how to explain it. I think that I don't really know who I am, what type of person I am, what I like, what I don't like. And of course I know what I like and don't like in terms of food and activities to do, but like actually do I? I don't know, because I think that I create this, I see other people and I create this ideal version of myself and I really try so hard to achieve it. And then sometimes I feel like a phony for, or like a poser, because am I really that person that is going to go rock climbing after the workday or on my lunchtime shift? I don't know, am I? It looks really cool, it looks like something that I would enjoy, but would I actually enjoy it? I don't know, because I don't know if I'm that type of person. And the thing is, I think that why I'm so stuck like this is because I'm stuck in the belief that we have to categorize ourselves so specifically, we have to be so outlined in everything that we do, and everything that we do has to revolve around the outline that we choose, or that chooses us, because it seems like everybody has their like little niche of what they are, and I can tell by looking at somebody kind of what type of person they are, you know? But sometimes when I'm looking at myself, I'm like, I don't really know what type of person I am. And then that gives me really bad, just like insecurity, because I don't know how other people view me. And I don't want to ask, because I want to portray myself as somebody who's really sure of myself, and not in a way that is really overly confident or cocky, because I'm not confident, nor I don't think cocky, but in a way that doesn't make me seem like I'm a poser. You know, like, I don't want to be like, how do you view me? Like, what do you think that I would like? Do you think I would like this? Because then that just makes me look like I'm unsure, and I am, and I don't know, you know, how that is received, but it's not received well by my own self. And then even when people say things, like they point out, like, to say an outfit, or an activity or something at the farmer's market, and they're like, oh, Genevieve would love that. I'm like, okay. Like, I almost use it as like a check. Okay, they believe that I would like this flowy dress. Like, that is good, because I want to be the person who is known for liking the flowy dress. And even though I do love me a flowy dress, it's like I have to have validation in everything that I like and do, and it has to fit this particular mold that I want to be perceived as, and that feels so unorganic to me. And all I want to be is an organic being, and not what I eat, but in the way I act, and in the way that I just live my life. But I feel like I struggle with it so much. And I don't think that it's something that's like, oh, maybe you just are trying too hard to fit into this mold, and you're not actually this type of person, x, y, and z. I don't really think it's that, because I think that I would struggle with this no matter what I was trying to fit myself into. I think it's just a deeply rooted insecurity that I've yet to really unravel. Something to do with imposter syndrome, because I've discovered that I deal with imposter syndrome too regularly for my liking. But yeah, in the context of this note, I believe that once again, foundationally, it is still something that I think about and resonates with me. But in here, it says, the me who is selfless and emotional, not for herself, but every other person incoming. The me who is guarded so that others can confide in her. The me that shows no pain, no worry, no pain within. She is who I feel most true being. Thankfully, I have since gone to two therapy sessions since December 9th, 2020, and they have insanely and dramatically pulled me out of this mindset. I used to be really bad at just suppressing all of my emotions, literally the slightest emotion, nobody would see anything. I think because I was trying to fit myself into that free-spirited mold, thinking that, oh my gosh, I can't be stressed about anything. I can't have literally any worry. I cannot be anxious about anything, because I am just such a free spirit. And I think it's that mindset that got me stuck in this loop of being so guarded and so, not cold, but so unwilling to share anything that I was going through emotionally because I thought that if other people needed to confide in me, they wouldn't confide in me if I was also hurting. And I was known as being the person that you can come to because I was so stress-free and worry-free, and I'll always give you advice. And I thought that those two identities were going to clash with each other, so one of them had to let up, and I wasn't letting up the side of me who lets people cry on my shoulder. So it was, I had to become a more guarded version of myself that just really exposed nothing, and then that got me absolutely nowhere good. It got me so deep in the trenches that I was really at one of my lowest points because I never shared anything, and then it built up so, so freaking much, and I would just go isolate myself for two weeks because, God forbid, while I'm like mid-explosion of all the emotions I've built up over the last couple of months, somebody finds me out to be anxious and stressed out and sad and emotional. God forbid that happens, you know? So this whole thing just relates back to this concept that I have that I really struggle with finding my identity because it was an identity crisis for me to get into this mindset of, I have to be cold, not cold, but I have to be sheltered with my emotions, and nobody can know this, and I can only share things after I've worked through them, and all of these things that led me to the lowest point of my life, and thankfully I've changed that around, but I still think that there's that deep-rooted insecurity in who I am, and not trusting that I am somebody who is true to myself, because I don't know what is true to myself. But, I don't know, I think there's a lot that I can talk about with this topic, because talking about identity crisis, that's like most of what I go through all the time, I really, I struggle with all aspects of an identity crisis, literally in every aspect of the word, from where I'm from, what I look like, what I believe I am, what I, my thoughts are, literally all of it is just one big identity crisis, and it is shocking how much it can just rule, rule just everything, your world. That sounded really dramatic. Anyway, I feel like I can redo this episode, or this dissection of this note, because I think there's a lot that goes into it, uh, some things I still believe, some things I don't quite resonate with anymore, um, and that's the beauty of it, you know, I can see, it's like my little journal, but it's just on the modern day technology of a laptop, ipad, and or iphone, because it's the note app. Anyway, that's me for tonight, I really don't even know how this sounds, or if any of that made sense, I'll probably end up deleting this and redoing it, but I'm gonna save it just in case, I'm not actually gonna delete it. Anyway, I hope you have a gorgeous wonderful night, it is now 10-12pm, I should be going to bed soon, I have nothing to be up in the morning for, uh, so I don't really need to go to bed, but I would just really like to, and I'm drinking my sleepy time tea. Anyway, alright, thanks for tuning in, bye bye!