Eli interview

The podcast "What Is It About Love" explores conversations about love. In this episode, the host interviews Ellie, who shares her relationship story, as well as discussions about queerness, coming out to parents, long-distance relationships, and polyamory. Ellie met her partner, Jules, on a dating app while she was visiting Milan. They developed a connection and decided to celebrate their birthdays together in Paris. Despite the distance, they have maintained a successful relationship, with Ellie visiting Jules in Verona on weekends. They have been together for a year and have found ways to make the long-distance work, such as open communication and independence. Hi, I'm Eve, and this is my podcast, What Is It About Love? If you haven't had the chance to yet, I highly recommend you go listen to the first episode. And if you have, then welcome to the second one. What Is It About Love is a podcast that I started to create a platform for conversations about love. Because although love can be confusing, messy, as much as it can be beautiful and peaceful, we all love love. We all seek love. It's one of those things that, to me, really brings all humans together. In this episode, I interviewed the lovely Ellie, who going into this episode, I knew nothing about, other than the fact that she had a podcast for the relationship story, which I can say was not disappointing. But other than about her relationship, we also go on to talk about queerness, and opening up to our parents about being queer, long distance relationships, and polyamory. But without spoiling anything more, I hope you enjoy the episode. Okay, so to start the interview, I wanted to ask if you can introduce yourself, like just your name and your age. Sure. Well, it's super nice to meet you, Eve. Thank you for having me. I'm Elizabeth, but I go by Ellie, and I'm 25, and I'm doing my master's now. Yeah. Okay, so I'm interviewing you because my friend told me that you have a really crazy love story with your partner. And so I want to start with asking, like how you met them. Yeah, so yeah, it's a little crazy. We definitely took our chances, because I actually came to Milan the first time last January. And while I was visiting Bocconi on campus, and you know, touring and doing all that, I emailed one of the people that works at ACME, which is the program I'm doing now. And I just asked to like meet, and we were supposed to stay, because I was with my parents, until like for a few days. We were leaving that weekend. I was going to stay a few days for the weekend with a friend. They were leaving back to Vienna, because my dad's Austrian. And then I was alone for a few days. And I actually got an interview, like the recruiter or whatever, called me or emailed me, and said that I can meet. So I had to extend my stay. I got a hotel. And in that time, I was alone. I was like, I'm just gonna go on Hinge. Why not? So I went on Hinge, and I talked to some people. And I think I remember swiping on, who now is my partner, Jules, while I was sitting at good Bocconi, having like a focaccia, and studying for the GRE, like I had my textbook in front of me. And I just thought they were cute. And I sent them a message. And then I went on with my day. And I went back to Vienna, because I was studying for my exam there. And they responded like a week later. And we didn't meet until three more months later. We were talking essentially every day. I was in Austria, then I went back to the US, because my mom is a Peruvian, but living in the US for many years. That's where I did my bachelor's. And I was studying there, because I didn't want to be too distracted. And yeah, it just developed so naturally. And then the first time we actually met in person, and this is what's wild. Our birthdays are four days apart. My birthday is April 6, their birthday is April 10. So after all these days of texting and FaceTiming, and like feeling like we know each other, you know, we took the chance and we're like, whatever, let's just celebrate our birthdays together. And we went on a trip, we were like, we're gonna decide to do something super, almost cheesy. Like, what's the most stereotypical place of love? Paris. We went to Paris for a week. We booked hotel, well, Airbnbs with a stranger, essentially. And it worked out. So I can't say I recommend it, but it worked for me. You know, how was it when you like saw each other in person for the first time? Okay, so natural. Like it didn't feel like we didn't know each other in person before. And that I feel like is very rare. I've never felt like it was so organic. We actually Okay, again, this is ballsy. I wanted I had a fantasy of like, I would love to just like cuddle like the first thing I want to do with you is I don't want to be at a bar ordering drinks. Like I just want to have time alone with you to just take you in, you know. So we did that. I opened the door to the Airbnb and we just had such a beautiful like hug. And we talked and that was it. And yeah, so yeah, it's, it's been an adventure. Okay. And from this trip in Paris, did you start doing long distance? Yeah, we, we were like, well, we don't want to stop seeing each other. I mean, obviously, I'm still not living in Europe at this time. I need to figure I need to get into Bukhani. I hadn't gotten in yet. So I wanted to make sure that, you know, the future is feasible that I come or that we do something. But I also didn't mind doing long distance because we were long distance for like half a year. Because we were considering the time before a little bit as well. It felt natural. But yeah, yeah, we did that. And now here we're still doing semi long distance, we're doing medium distance, because Jules lives in Verona. And I live in Milan. So I go to see them on the weekends, or they come to Milan. Yeah. Yeah. How long have you been together now? I mean, officially, our birthdays, like April, first week of April, unofficially, I guess, since January of last year. Like, it's been Yeah, yeah. So it's been a year. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah. And how often like, did you see each other at the start? Um, I mean, it was that time in April for our birthdays, then I went to Austria, because I went to visit my dad. And then I came well, we were in, we were in Paris, and we took a train to Milan, spent a few days in Milan at an Airbnb. And then I went to Vienna, they went to Verona. And I came back a few weeks later, and I met their mom. In Venice, we did like a family trip. Because and I'm gonna, I'm gonna fill you in a little bit of context. Their mom is going through lung cancer. And it was really important for Jules that I get to have a relationship with the mom, you know, before anything happens. So that's what we've, we've been doing. And even now, when I go on the weekends, it's to spend time with the family and like, for like, living like a family life on the weekends. But yeah, that's essentially how we came to be. Yeah, that's super sweet. My next question is, like, at what point, like, when did you feel like, okay, like, I love them? If you have a specific moment in mind? Okay, we talked about this a lot. Because I feel like we knew, but we didn't want, we joked about it too. Like, we would say we don't want to slip. We didn't want to slip and say that we love each other before meeting. Because I feel like society tells you or like even safety reasons, like you don't want to say you're in love with someone that you don't like, it sounds weird, you know. But I really felt like, this is someone I want to talk all day, every day. We're so aligned. Their life goals are my life goals. Like, it just makes sense. And yeah, and it was before we met in person. But again, it was like having a long distance best friends that I would talk to every day. And I didn't feel bizarre. Yeah, yeah. And about what you said about like, yeah, how society sets expectations for how relationships should be. Did you feel like pressure from your friends or the people around you who just like knew about this? Yeah, relationship that was forming without ever having met? Yeah, so at the beginning, I feel like I'm a private person when it comes to dating and relationships. I wasn't, not that I was hiding it, like my best friends knew, but I'm not screaming it out on the rooftops. Like I met someone on Hinge and now I want to, you know. But to me, I somehow felt really supported by my close friends. They were like, wow, that's amazing. I'm so excited for you. Like, tell me more. But then I feel like the pressure is from outside. Like, you hear all these people, they're always, you know, oh, you should meet a nice person in person, like you never know, strangers are dangerous. Like, of course, like, it makes sense. So that's why I'm not gonna say this is the way to do it. But for me, it's what worked out. And yeah, it's, it felt okay, over time. Like, I had to accept it myself. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's great. And like, as a relationship that's become so successful with distance, I was curious if you have any like, tips for other people to have successful long distance relationships? Because I know that it can be difficult for a lot of people to deal with the distance. I think for us, we were friends, like, we were friends that wanted to share everything about our day. And if we were having a bad day, we would text each other and like, fill us in, fill each other in. And like, it wasn't like, we didn't feel pressured to text. It was the opposite. It was such a lack of pressure, that we wanted to hear from each other. And I think that develops naturally, if the people like have chemistry. So long distance really didn't feel so bad. I think the worst thing was the time difference. So going to sleep earlier or later. But long distance can be fine. It also, to me can be a plus that like, they get their life, I get mine, we hang out and do our own things. I like having that independence. And also my own background, like, my parents are together, but they live separately. Because my dad doesn't want to become American. So he lives in Austria, and my mom works in the US. So essentially, they go on holidays together. And it works. They talk every day. They FaceTime, like I've seen it work. And yeah, so I think to me, I was more open to the idea of a long distance relationship. And at no point, yeah, and at no point, I felt like it was too difficult, other than obviously, you want them close, you want to be able to do things together. But we still had a lot of transparency and like, intimacy, like we felt we were having deep conversations on the phone, too. So it felt nice. Yeah. But it's really nice. And you never felt like they were like, too separate from your life, or for example, your friends and things. It felt like holidays when you were together. It always just was smooth. I think, I think, of course, anyone would want like, their friends to meet their partner and to do things together and see how we all mesh. But it didn't become that much of an issue. Because I knew that either way, I was moving to a new city, having to do things on my own. But just having that support of someone that's like, I can always call. It wasn't too, too difficult. But yeah, I remind me of the question again, because I think I had something to say. And I forgot. Um, let me think. Oh, yeah. If you felt like your lives were sometimes like, oh, separate, separate. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I think we were obviously in different stages in our lives, like they're working, I'm applying for my master. And I, I don't think it affected us that much. We also don't have much of a, like age difference. Like we feel very aligned. But it was just, yeah, I think the personal things, everybody goes through personal issues. And in this case, it was their family things and like the mom and I want to be there for them. But it didn't feel too complex to merge our lives. So far. Yeah. And I think this will be my last question. Considering that it's like a podcast about love, I wanted to ask what love means to you in your life? Yeah. That's not too hard of a question. I think love is feeling comfort. I feel not being in your comfort zone, but being comfortable with someone fully, like fully transparent. I have been, you know, in situationships and dating and relationships. And I don't think I've ever felt so completely myself, like, no barriers, like, they see me at my best, they see me at my worst. It's this to me. And, yeah, feeling that you have full trust, and that you can talk even if there's an argument or there's some sort of disagreement. You want to fix it, because you care. And I feel like not having, I don't know, not having, you can't be just thinking about yourself. Like if you see something, like if you see a future together, you want to work on it. And I don't think love is enough for a relationship. You have to also think about logistics and like, anything else in your life. Like if you want to, I don't know, do something in your career that might not align, you need to leave, like, you need to work toward a path. And I think that can be a manifestation of love, like also trying to work on it. Yeah. But it's a hard question, for sure. Yeah. That was a lovely response. Thank you so much. Thank you, of course. It's been nice to see long distance work so well. Yeah, yeah. No, I just wanted to say, I think, I mean, we touched more on the logistics of, you know, long distance and things. But on our side, it was also our queer relationship. The dynamic of that was, for me, also like coming out to my mom and like figuring out what that all means for us was my personal struggle. Like to their family, it wasn't a problem. But it has really helped for our moms, ended up meeting for our moms to have met and to like, see this becoming reality rather than just like, I don't know. I feel like you can get into relationships and feel a little isolated, perhaps, or like, you're too scared to meet the parents. But if this is something that you see happening, and like, you want to involve each other so much at that level, that has helped us to feel more comfortable, too. So yeah, do you want to talk more about like, your relationship to your parents and how it was impacted by this relationship? Yeah, I mean, it's the first time that I spoke with my mom about anything in terms of sexuality. She has a very, like traditional Catholic Peruvian, she's Peruvian view of the world. And like, she's mourned the daughter she used to have. I, or that she thought she had, you know, in her head, she had this idea of me, like this little princess that's gonna get married to a prince charming. And I don't see that happening, at least not anymore. Like, I have a very different idea of me and of what I want. And Jules is now everything that I that I see myself with. So yeah, it's, it's been a little tough navigating it with my mom, my dad is more supportive. But I feel like she's coming around. And that's really sweet. Like, to see her care and want to have a relationship as well. So yeah, I think that's been the hardest aspect of this relationship. Yeah, yeah, I see. Yeah, I'm sure that it'll get better. Like, I feel like it always does at the beginning. Right? Yeah. Thank you so much for sharing. Of course, I appreciate you giving me a safe space to talk and that your your curiosity and yeah, to have shared our little love story. Yeah, very lovely. Thank you so much. Do you have anything else to add? Thank you, Eve. I mean, I think people should just take more chances. Always being safe. Okay, I don't I don't mean like something crazy. But um, take my chance. Look at Airbnb. No, don't do that. Unless you know for sure. Okay, it's very different. But yeah, I feel like people should take more chances even just meeting someone at the bar. Like I feel like sometimes we have this idea of like, no, I, oh, he wears this. I don't like that. Or Oh, no, she doesn't, you know, go to this, whatever. She must not know. Just meet people, meet the more people you meet, the more you understand about yourself, too. If you like this, or if you could like this, or, you know, I feel like being open to something, I've definitely been open to it. And I'm finally ready for it. Whereas in the past, I feel like I've been a little, I've been open, but closed off. Like I have very narrow ideas. And in this case, I just let something happen. And that's when it finally happened. But um, yeah, trust your gut. That's great advice. Yeah. Do you have any experience like that to share? Or do you want to keep it one sided? I mean, I'm very curious. Okay, I don't know if I'll include this. Okay. Yeah. But maybe for us. Yeah, I feel like I am also like in a queer relationship. Okay. It is also long distance. Oh, wow. And it's also polyamorous. Okay. Okay. Can I tell you something? Okay. Well, you know, what's really funny? That's the fact that you mentioned this now, when we first met, when we first talked, the very first weeks of us getting to know each other, and like our backgrounds, etc. Jules said they're poly. And I was like, Okay, I don't know if I can do that. For the first time in my life, because I've always been open to it. But after meeting, like after talking for so long, and like, I don't know, having this idea that maybe we could be something, you know, we want to see like a more family, like a traditional, like, I don't know, monogamous relationship. And then for them to tell me that I was like, Oh, my God, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no I want you for myself. Like, I was very, very selfish. And then at one point, they they mentioned, like, actually, I would also be open to a monogamous relationship, if that's what makes me feel comfortable. Like, I don't want to lose this, what we have now. So yeah, yeah. But um, yeah, they were they were poly. And again, I know it works. It's beautiful. I love it. But for us, I wanted it to be monogamous. Perfectly valid. Yeah, yeah. Tell me about yours. Yeah. not compatible in a relationship. And then from like, I don't know, all the emotions that we have for one another, we just like, talked about it more in depth. And it was like months of like, really deep and long conversations about like, how we feel about one another and what we want. And yeah, like how we could make it work. And yeah, then we like, yeah, started dating. I was very like, okay, like, I'm ready to try polyamory. And we'll see how it goes. And it's honestly been so good. Like, I can only say positive things. Oh my god. It's amazing. And it's been long distance as well. So I could totally relate to the like, you're excited to tell them about your day. Like, it's an annoying thing. And even if like, one of you is really busy, and you take a day to text back or even more than that, like, it's fine, because then you know, you'll get like, amazing updates about their life. Exactly. Wow. Yeah, so... May I ask where your partner lives? Or I don't know if you have... I'm in Milan. In Milan. Okay. And right, because you're now in... I'm in Paris. Paris. Yeah. Okay. When we first started dating, they went to Madrid for one semester. Okay. And so we thought it would just be like, one semester of long distance, and we would live together again. And then I got into exchange in Paris, and I had to make the very difficult decision to go. So that was really hard. But yeah, we kind of just managed. I love that. Yeah, and it's still going well. How long have you been together? More than a year then? No, no, since August. Since August. Okay. Since last August. Okay. Right, right. Okay, that's two semesters. Makes sense. Yeah. Wow. Oh my God. I'm really happy to hear that. Yeah. That it's been working for you. And you're coming back to Milan, right? So... Or? Well, because I'm graduating this summer, so I don't plan on moving back to Milan. Okay, okay. The future is a big question mark about where we'll be, like if we'll stay long distance. And yeah, I also thought to ask you if you plan on moving to the same city with Jules, or if you're not sure yet. Well, the future is also a bit of a question because they can't move from Verona. They have a family business going that they are responsible for. They cannot leave. If we would live somewhere together, it would be like half Verona, half Milan. But I also don't know if I'm going to stay in Milan for the rest of my life. But I guess if we do this, if this works, then maybe we would. But yeah, Milan is probably the farthest that they could live, but we would still always have a base in Verona for like logistical family and work things. So yeah, but I mean, I love Paris. I still have family in Austria. I don't feel like I'll ever be fully somewhere. I can always travel a little bit and disconnect. And I think that's a nice thing, too. Yeah, I think also long distance is not necessarily as bad as it's painted out to be. Exactly. I feel like people, I mean, again, you need to be more open minded. Like there are people that need to live with their partner, cook, eat everything together. And that works for them. And I'm just personally, I've always been very independent. Like I love doing my own things, having my own friends. And this feels healthy. I remember I was in a relationship in my bachelor and we were completely stuck with each other. I ended up isolating myself from other people, like from my friends. I would just be always with my boyfriend at the time. And now I don't feel like I have this anxiety over my own life. Like I'm in control and we can do things separately. Yeah. And it's nice to be able to merge it. And I think that's when things work out the best. Definitely. Yeah. If you find the right balance. Exactly. It's all about balance. And I'm sure like you were saying, even having, you know, taking a while to text back, but then knowing that you're still excited, like you're not doubting. And I think that's something that, again, you build up, you have to work toward trusting each other at the level of, oh, it's not an anxious attachment of they didn't text me for two hours. Like, what are they thinking? Or do they not want to talk to me? I don't think that ever. Like, I know if they're taking a while, it's because they're busy. And we're all busy. So, yeah, exactly. Yeah. It's super healthy to have space. Yes. Super, super healthy. Oh, my gosh. I support. So, yeah. Yeah. Good. Nice. Well, it's been lovely. Thank you so much for the interview. Thank you. It was so nice. Thank you so much for having me and for talking about things that matter. I feel like more people should talk about love and about the people in their life. And yeah, I'm reading a book right now that I feel like you would really, really love. It's essentially a book about women and love. And it's like a feminist discussion and exploration of what it means for both men and women and queer women and everything, like different manifestations of love and power and all that play. Like, she's amazing. It's amazing. So, so, so good. And I'm halfway through it. And I really, really recommend it. And I'll send it to you later. And I wish I remembered the name right now. But yeah, yeah, she's great. So I cut the episode there because then we just started conversating. But the book that Ellie was referring to is called Communion, the Female Search for Love by Bell Hooks, for those that are interested. And again, a huge thank you to Ellie for her vulnerability and openness on this episode. It was so lovely having her on the podcast. And thank you for listening. I hope you enjoyed.