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The Domestic Violence Podcast discusses why victims of domestic violence find it difficult to leave abusive relationships. Reasons include fear, empty promises, children, guilt, love, financial dependence, and a lack of support. It takes an average of seven to nine attempts for victims to leave. Two personal stories shared highlight the physical, mental, and emotional abuse endured, as well as the challenges faced in leaving. Experts suggest that power and control dynamics, rather than mental illness, contribute to abusive relationships. I'm just gonna stand there and hear me cry But that's alright because I love the way you lie I love the way you lie Domestic Violence Podcast is a collaborative student podcast that explores complex human questions from a variety of perspectives. Opinions and commentary are our own and do not reflect those of St. Andrews University. Good morning, everyone. My name is Angelina. And my name is Ellie. And today we're going to be talking about domestic violence. More specifically, the central question, why it's so hard for victims to leave abusive relationships. We have collected various community and professional perspectives as possible answers to this question. Before we get into that, let's look at some facts. FSU.edu mentions victims have real reasons for staying in these relationships, whether it be out of fear, empty promises from significant others, children in the situation, guilt, love, financial reasons, and a sense of control. Investigator Jim Hitz with the Nebraska State Patrol spoke at a vigil. He said it is hard for some officers to understand why a victim of domestic violence continues to stay with their partner. Victims of domestic violence love their perpetrators, he said. That, along with an absence of support, fear for themselves, children or even pets, and a lack of financial resources also play a role in the abused individual staying with their abuser. On average, it takes the victim leaving seven to nine times before they get out of the relationship. Oftentimes, the victim feels as though they are totally dependent on their abuser. It is incredibly hard for them to realize that they can survive without them. Let's take a look at our very first community perspective, my Aunt Jackie. Jackie, please tell us when this relationship took place. Hello, my name is Jackie. My relationship took place between 1998 through 2001. This is the first time that I have ever experienced abuse. There's a few times after, but I will just focus on the first. In this relationship, I dealt with an abusive alcoholic, therefore having to live with physical, mental, emotional, and let's not forget, verbal abuse. I was hit, punched, thrown down, thrown into walls. I was yelled at constantly, had things thrown at me. The dinners that I would make were thrown on the floor for me to clean and pick up. I was told that I suck at everything, I suck at cooking, and that I was not good enough. I was called horrible names, and every time I'd go to the store or run an errand, I was accused of cheating and other things. Then after a while, I had found out that he was the one cheating on me the whole time. I was 21 years old, and we had just had a baby. I was doing the best I could. I was made to feel like a worthless piece of crap, a nothing, a nobody. No matter how hard I tried, it was just never good enough for him. I stayed in the relationship for three years too long. I finally realized, I'm too young for this. I have this beautiful daughter to raise, and with the help of my family and my friends, I had realized I don't deserve this. I am a good person, and I deserve much better. If you can remember about how many occurrences of abuse occurred before you finally decided, I'm done. Too many occurrences had happened. I was in denial. I felt trapped. The final, I'm done, straw was number one, I had found out he was cheating on me, and number two, when I confronted him, he went absolutely ballistic and crazy, started throwing me around, throwing things at me. He was opening and slamming the bedroom door where my baby girl was sleeping numerous times, and shells started falling off the walls by her crib, nearly hitting her. That was the final straw. I ended up calling the cops on him. I had him arrested, grabbed the baby, called my dad, and I moved back home with my parents. It was hard individually because I was a 21-year-old young woman having a baby. According to my husband, I wasn't allowed to work, so I didn't have a job, and I wasn't financially stable. There was no way that I could make it on my own, especially with a newborn. I was trapped. The negative effects that this had on me was that I was constantly looking over my shoulder. I would flinch very easily. I had a broken heart, broken trust. I built a wall over my heart, shielding it. I thought every man was out to hurt me, cheat on me, talk down to me, and disrespect me. I lost hope in all love and relationships. I was constantly on guard, purposely looking for any signs. It took almost 20 years to overcome completely when I finally met the perfect man. And even still, sometimes to this day, I feel myself worried and on guard. But he did show me that all men are not scum. I was taught that not everyone is what they seem. Don't fall for stupid lines. Don't fall for people's lies. People like to reel you in with sweetness and kindness before their true colors show. Don't trust people so easily. It was definitely a life lesson for me and has shaped me into the intelligent, wise, and independent woman that I am today. I am engaged to the most wonderful, kind-hearted, loving, and patient man right now. Yes, I am very, very happy. I would say that I'm about 99% recovered. Once you go through the things that I've been through, there's always that little percent of you that will hope for the best but still worry about things. However, it's been six years and no signs. And it is just so nice to be able to trust again, not have to go looking through somebody's phone, or have anxiety when he goes out with the guys. I hated that I became that kind of person, always snooping around, trying to find something. It is the greatest feeling of freedom that I feel now in over 20 years. People are just too comfortable in their living situation. They're afraid. They're scared to start over with someone new. They're scared of what changes lie ahead. And when there's kids involved, that's a completely different story. Even though it can and will be a lot more positive than the life they are living now, definitely do not stay in an abusive relationship. Get out as soon as you can. You'll be so much happier. Thank you so much, Jackie, for sharing your story with us. Anna Bly said in a scholarly article, I not only got a sense of how complex this issue is, but a much better understanding of why it's so difficult for women to leave relationships that are violent, especially if there are children involved. When we form what we believe to be life partnerships, they can be very hard things to give up on. Kristen, my cousin, is another community perspective. Kristen, please tell us when this relationship took place. My name is Kristen, and this relationship took place two to three years ago. The whole relationship was eight years long, from 2016 to 2021. Was this relationship physically, mentally, verbally, or emotionally abusive at all? This relationship was physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive. A physical example, I got pushed over a table because I found some stuff on a separate private phone, and I had it in my hand, and he wanted it back and pushed me over a table for it. When did you first notice signs that this person was abusive? I noticed the mental and emotional abuse first, mostly to do with his mother, and he was just very narcissistic. If you can remember about how many occurrences of abuse occurred before you finally decided, I'm done? There was many occurrences of abuse before I finally said I'm done. I said I'm done probably a hundred times within, I'd say, four to five years, and then finally I left for good in August of 21. If you found it difficult to leave within the first few occurrences of abuse, why was it hard for you individually? I did find it extremely difficult, but after saying I'm done for numerous years, it was kind of easier because I was already mentally checked out at that point. I had no cares, anything. When he left for the thousandth time, that was when I finally didn't let him back into my life, anything like that. Once you left, what negative effects did the relationship have on your life, and how did you overcome them? What did this relationship teach you? The relationship definitely taught me a lot, taught me more about myself and what I should allow, what I shouldn't, how I should be treated, how to stand up for myself, stuff like that. Where are you now? Are you happy? Have you fully recovered? I feel like I'm in a very good place right now. I am very happy. I would definitely say that I'm fully recovered. I actually just ran into this person at my place of work and felt absolutely nothing. And finally, in general, why do you believe it is so difficult to leave an abusive relationship? I think it's so difficult to leave an abusive relationship because you're just used to the routine. Everyone gets comfortable with the routine, not because they want to stay or anything like that. It's just because you don't want to start something new, and you don't want to be more uncomfortable than what you already are. You're already vulnerable. You're already upset and full of emotions and leaving something that you've been so comfortable with. Thanks, Kristen, for sharing your story with us. Next, we have Dr. Jessica Roizen from the Department of Philosophy here with us. She will offer her philosophical insight onto why she believes it is difficult to leave an abusive relationship. Welcome, Dr. Roizen. Thanks for joining us. For our first question, we would like to ask, what factors do you believe may lead to an abusive relationship? I feel like it's an issue of power and control. I can't control the situation any other way. These are the means that I feel like I am the most powerful or most likely to be successful. So these are the means that I'm going to try. Our second question is, are abusers usually those who suffer from mental illnesses? One of the things that we confront a lot in ethics is the idea that we need to pathologize evil. So that if somebody does something wrong, they cannot possibly be acting rationally. They cannot possibly be mentally healthy. There must be some explanation for how this came about. And I think that when we do that, we are likely to ascribe those kinds of behaviors to mental illness. I mean, it can do two things. One of them is it kind of undermines moral accountability. Are threats a reason why a victim may stay so long? So threats are the sort of thing where there's some kind of harm that's likely to come to you if you don't comply with an action. The much simpler way of saying that is that there's a kind of exchange of harm for noncompliance. Where in the case of offers, it's, you know, I'm sort of dangling something in front of you in order to act in a way that I want you to. Next, we have Dr. John Stahula from the Department of Psychology, who has a background in therapy and marriage and family counseling. Welcome, Dr. Stahula. Thank you for joining us today. We would like to get started and ask, does the victim believe they are at fault for the abuse? Sadly, absolutely. And again, in lots of different ways and on lots of different levels. Sometimes that's part of the grooming process where the abuser literally, over periods of time, instills that. It was your fault somehow. Like, you made me act this way. You made me do this. How do abusers establish their dominance over the victim? Again, that's the grooming process. Typically, it's step by step. It tends not to be an overnight sort of thing. It's often the intermixing of things that are both problematic and then those honeymoon moments. And I'm going to do something harmful, and I'm going to apologize. Then I'm going to maybe overtly threaten, or maybe I'm going to do things intentionally to diminish your belief in self. Are abusers usually those who suffer from mental illness? No, there is no evidence that being mentally ill is a cause of someone being an abuser. Are there some particular psychological conditions that could contribute, I think, in a more powerful way? And I think there are. In particular, some personality disorders can. And finally, in general, why do you believe it is so difficult to leave an abusive relationship? Because there are so many reasons that people feel stuck. Which ones are going to be meaningful for any one given person depends on that person and their life circumstances. I would say the biggest caution I would give is if people think there's only one reason why someone stays. Thank you, Dr. Stahula, for your insight. So to recap, essentially, the victim loves the batterer at first. The abuser is not always violent. The victim fears the abuser, believing that they're almost godlike. Often, threats are made. For example, the batterer will kill the victim if the beatings are reported to anyone. And oftentimes, if police are called, the victim will not admit to the battering. The victim may be economically dependent on the abuser and not having a marketable job skill. The victim has no realistic alternative to the batterer's financial support. Often, the victim stays for the sake of children needing a father, or the abuser may make threats of violence against the children if the victim tries to leave. The batterer frequently threatens to take the children away from the victim if the victim leaves and the victim believes it. Often, the abuser is the victim's only psychological support system, having systematically destroyed the victim's other friendships. The battering takes place during a relatively short period of time. Afterwards, the batterer may be quite gentle, apologetic, loving, and may promise to never beat the victim again. The victim may be convinced that this beating will be the last. The victim may rationalize the beatings, believing that the victim must have deserved the punishment or the batterer was just too drunk to know what the batterer was doing. All from domestic violence, reasons why battered victims stay with the batterers. Thank you, everyone, for tuning in to our podcast on domestic violence. And a big thanks to our various interviewees. If any of these situations apply to you, there are resources available. Make sure to seek help and tell someone about it. Don't stay silent. This has been Angelina and Ellie signing off. Have a fantastic day. Domestic Violence Podcast is a collaborative student podcast that explores complex human questions from a variety of perspectives. Opinions and commentary are our own and do not reflect those of St. Ambrose University. This podcast is recorded at the studios of KALAFM, St. Ambrose University. Opinions expressed are not necessarily those of KALA Radio or St. Ambrose University.