Nothing to say, yet
Transcription
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah Our time is critical You say it won't be cynical But this is more than cynical Seems like we won't even know it's cool Lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, Lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, lay, He said that we, we have found your mom. And I forget what part of the what part of the city it was in, but we found her deceased. And I think, at that very moment, I felt my entire soul leave my body. I've never experienced death on this level. You know, I've had my grandmother passed, but she was sick, but we had time to prepare for that. My dad's mother passed, she was also sick, but we had time to prepare for that if they are to die. But this particular time was a, was a, I don't, I can't even describe it. It was just, it was just an enormous feeling of grief that just took me over. And I remember logging off the phone. And, you know, I asked him, like, what happened to her? Do you know what happened? And he says, we're, we're still looking into it. We don't, you know, that's why I was asking you all those questions, because we don't really know exactly what happened or who she was with. It's still an investigation being open. But, you know, as we get more information, we'll definitely share it with you. And I just remember sobbing uncontrollably. He asked me if I would be okay being alone. And all I could think about was, wow, my sister just had her firstborn baby. My sister, my other younger sister is pregnant now with twins. How am I going to, how am I going to share this information with them? How, how am I going to be the one to tell everyone this heartbreaking news? As the oldest child, I've always had the responsibility of, of taking on, you know, things that my other siblings didn't have to worry about. And so automatically was like, well, this is another part of the, of the duty of being the oldest child. And so after I hung up the phone, I just remember I couldn't, I couldn't really get myself together. I was so, I was so hurt. I was so devastated. I was so just a mess, you know, because honestly, I didn't really feel like that should have been a conversation that should have been had over the phone anyway. However, it had to be said, right. And so I tried my very best to kind of gather myself before I had to do all the phone calls. And I just remember just honestly blacking out. I think I blacked out for a while. Completely just, just shocked. And just, I can't even, I can't even really think of the words to describe the feeling that I had. But all I can really say is that it was more of a, just a devastation, right. And I remember the first person that I called once I came to, once I was able to kind of get my thoughts in line. First, originally, I thought that maybe they just didn't know. Maybe they thought it was her, but they weren't really sure. And he told me that they did have fingerprints and that's how they were able to determine who she was. And, you know, I was just like, well, hopefully I don't have to identify the body because that's not something that I'm able to mentally, physically, emotionally do. And it was still one of those things like, how could someone do this to my mother, you know, to my best friend, my confidant? What, you know, would have caused this to happen? And what in the world would make someone even consider doing this to a six-feet-tall woman, right? Like I said, my mom was very short. She was, I used to say that she was 4'11", you know, probably 125, 130 pounds, if that. I mean, she was a small, sweet woman and I just couldn't imagine someone hurting her in the way that the detective described. And so when I came to, I called my Aunt Gail. She was my first person that I reached out to. She's like the next person in line after my mom as like my best friend, like someone that I just really love and honor. And so I called her and she was driving. I remember the conversation. She was driving and I was strong enough to like keep my composure because what I didn't want to do is put anyone in the situation where their life is at risk for the information that I'm relating to them. And so I remember she was like, I'm driving. And I was like, well, you know, give me a call when you get home so that way we can talk. And she has something really important I need to tell you. And she was like, well, what is it? I'm like, well, I'm not going to tell you why you're driving. So get someplace safe and then, you know, call me back. So after that, I picked up the phone and I called my sister, the one that's pregnant with twins, and I asked her what she was doing and she was also driving. And I said, OK, well, when you get someplace safe, give me a call because, again, I didn't want to give them that information while they're on the highways and byways. It just didn't make any sense to me. So they both end up calling back at the same time and we all got on the phone together with both my sisters, my Aunt Gail and my Aunt Brenda was on the line with us as well. And I had to be the one to break it up. I said, she's gone. And they're like, you know, who's gone? What's happening? And I told them, you know, they found mom deceased. And I just could hear the heartbreak over the phone. It was one thing experiencing my own heartbreak and digesting this on my own. It was a whole other feeling to see or to hear the hurt and the heartbreak in my family. And so I remember us just all on the phone were just sobbing, sobbing. I mean, it seemed like we were sobbing for hours. We just didn't know what to say. And I knew I had to call my dad. I knew another person. My parents have been divorced for over 20 years. But I knew that they really loved each other. They were still friends. And so I knew the next person I would have to get my self-composure together for would be my father. So my aunt was like, I'm on the way. I'll be on the road. She was actually in Florida and Tampa at the time. And so she got on the road that night and was here the next day. I remember my younger sister being kind of in shock. I don't even know to this day if she's had an opportunity to grieve. Being a new mom, you know, having a C-section. All of these things happen within weeks of each other. And so I think for her it was, you know, trying to stay mentally stable for her newborn son, which I can totally understand. My son is seven. He takes care of himself. And so that wasn't really something that I was too, too focused on outside of, like, his every day. All was my father. And, of course, he was at work. And it wasn't one of those things that I could hide from him because after I had got off the phone with my family, sobbing with them, you know, I just couldn't hold it anymore. And so I told him. And he was just like, Oh, my God, you got to be kidding me. This can't be real. And I said, I know. And it's very real. This is what happened. And I just remember, you know, six foot probably five, 300 pounds. I'm not sure how big he is, but he's a really big guy. And to hear him sobbing broke my heart as well. You know, it was just, it was just devastating, you know. And to this day, now that granted, that was that was last year. We're coming up on a year in occupancy, a year. And I still don't think that I have fully accepted it. I think part of me understands and knows that she's no longer with us. But the other part is just not allowing it to sink in. I'm just not really, really accepting it. And I think the same thing goes for my sisters and her siblings. I think we're trying our best to continue life as normal as possible. But there is no normal to that, right? There's no normal to someone violently taking your mother out and more about that, right? That is almost insane to even to even be saying this to you all. But it is a reality of mine. And I replay that phone call in my head every single day. Every single day, I replay that phone call and constantly thinking about what I could have done differently, how I could have handled her differently. What could I have done? Could I have made her stay home and not go out with her friends? Could I have pretty much left her with my son more often so that she had no other choice but to be there for him? What could I have done differently to get a different outcome? And I replay that in my mind every single day. And I know that there wasn't anything that I could have done. And a lot of people say, well, everything happens for a reason and God won't put more on you than you can bear. And, you know, for the longest time, I would say for the first probably three to four months after the situation happened, it was hard for me to fathom that God could do something like this to someone who loved him so much. You know, my mom removed to Charlotte. And so she loved the Lord. It was, you know, bringing souls to the Lord and inspiring them to live a holiness lifestyle was her mission, you know. And so to know that a woman who gave her life to God in the manner in which she did and this happened to her, there can't be a God. There cannot be someone that will allow something like this to happen. You know, that was my perception. And I know a lot of people go through this. They lose children. They lose family members to gun violence. And you just cannot make sense out of it. It's nothing that you can say or do to really make sense out of it. It's something that you'll be dealing with for the rest of your life. And so now that I have this heaviness on my shoulder, now that my soul is practically gone, right, my essence has been sucked away from me with one phone call, now I have to get myself together to plan her services. As a 39-year-old woman who has never had to do any of this before, it was almost to the point of a mental breakdown for me because where do we start? You know, like, first of all, I just talked to her not too long ago. And now all of a sudden I'm planning her services. Like, how did this happen? And so we had to get together and come up with where she was going to be and what we were going to do and who we were going to invite. And, I mean, if you've ever planned a funeral before, you know that it's a lot that goes into it because you have to have your programs. You've got to find where you're going to be, where it's going to be the repat, who's going to speak at the services, what's the lineup of the services. And honestly, none of us was in that mental state to where we could even organize anything. Like, we were all so devastated. To think about the logistics of how we were going to celebrate her life was just, was just unfathomable. I just couldn't even, I couldn't even piece it together. And so we came across a funeral home that wasn't too far from where I lived. And we booked the facility and, you know, started the whole planning process. My family was amazing with helping out with the programs and the obituaries and things like that. And one thing that we didn't want to happen is for the news media to be out at the funeral while we're trying to grief. You know, we just didn't, we didn't want that. And because it was a homicide, I had been talking to the news. They called me numerous times. I mean, it was every news channel you can think about called me. And this was like a day or two after this happened or a day or two after we found out. And I just remember, like, I can't go on the news. Like, I want to talk about my mom. I want to share her memory. But I physically, mentally cannot go on the news and do this right now. And so a lot of the news channels, I mean, one popped up at my house. I mean, it was just, it was crazy. It was, it was so crazy. And so I remember talking to one guy, his name was Glenn. I remember he was really, really sweet. And he was really kind. And he called me. He was like, I want to, you know, offer my condolences to you and your family. I just wanted to know if you wanted to say a little bit of something about your mom. And so that we can create a narrative that's not pieced together by what people, you know, may have, by people in the street, you know, or people who didn't really know her. And so I did take the time and I talked about her and how our relationship was. And I tried my best not to sob through that interview because it was so hard. I said it to my family. And I remember talking to my dad and call my best friend. But as far as like actually talking to someone outside of my family, that wasn't something that I did. That wasn't something that I was prepared for. And so it took a lot out of me to even, to even be that vulnerable to share, to share my thoughts. And I remember him, you know, giving me some resources of people that could, you know, had experienced that loss, that type of loss. And, you know, some resources that could possibly help me along the way. But I remember at the funeral, I think we all were still in a state of shock. And so we, we grieved, but it was really just like, we gotta, we gotta show up for her. Like, yes, you know, we want to break down and, and we're barely really even getting dressed to even show up at the funeral. But we can't break down because we have so much to do for her. We have to make sure her legacy doesn't die. And I remember the funeral director telling me that because of the state of her body, we weren't, we wasn't going to be able to have an open, open casket. And so, again, I felt robbed. Someone took my mother away from me. And I can't even say goodbye to her. Like, I can't even look at her and kiss her and say goodbye. They took that away from me. And I just remember being so angry. I was so angry. I've never, ever experienced this type of anger in my entire 39 years of living. I was furious. Everything and everyone and every place that we went here reminded me of her. And it just caused more anger. I remember when I returned back to work and some of my clients, their children would call and handle business for them. And I remember just getting angry instantly. You know, they can say, oh, I'm calling for my mom. And I would say and I would just feel this sense of anger just take over me. And it was really it was really bad. It was it was a real bad, I guess you can say period in my grief process where I was just completely angry. And I was closed on talking to people. I didn't want to fellowship. I didn't even really want to talk about it. And I remember telling the funeral, you know, I can't bury her. I'm not ready to release her. So we cremated her because I wanted her to be with me. And I remember, you know, everyone agreeing to that and agreeing that I would keep her ashes. Because, yes, my mom was my mom, but we were almost like sisters in a way because we're really, really close. And I just wasn't ready to release her. I wasn't ready to put her in the ground. To me, that was a visualization of where she was going to always be. And I just couldn't I just couldn't take that. And so we end up cremating her. And the services were beautiful. We, you know, nice, quick service. Again, that was something financially that we had to come up with as well. Just imagine trying to keep up with your own everyday life and now you're responsible for your mother's funeral expenses and you're not even prepared for that. You know, as a health insurance agent, I will say that my fault was to not get life insurance. I would highly, strongly suggest anyone that's listening, there's life insurance. There's life insurance on yourself. You have life insurance on your children, life insurance on your parents. Because you never know. You know, you never know. You don't know the date or the time that you're going to be called home. And to put a financial strain on your family is probably the last thing that you really want to do. And so that's when one of my regrets is not having life insurance. So after the funeral, I think I started to spiral out of control a little bit. I was drinking constantly. I mean, I would wake up drinking. I would go to bed drinking. I couldn't do anything. I couldn't function without having a glass of wine. And it was more just a glass of wine. I was going through bottles of wine a day. I mean, entire bottles of wine. And I felt like I was neglecting my son. You know, I would feed him, but he pretty much is self-sufficient. I've trained him to be that way. And so he would, you know, shower and go to bed whenever. And I just couldn't be present for him. I could not be present for him. It was a void in my life. And I just couldn't, for a few months, I couldn't show up for him. And I remember going to my primary care doctor and I told him, I said, I'm not doing well. I'm not making it. I need help. And the only thing that I was worried about was them taking my son away from me. Like I said, my son is autistic, nonverbal. And he's just, he doesn't do well with change. And I just was like, there is no one that can take him. My sister just had her baby. My other sister is about to give birth to twins. I can't put that responsibility on them, but I'm barely making it. Like I am not making it. I'm not well. And we tried different medications. None of them seemed to work. And so I was right back to drinking because that was the only thing that I felt that I could do to take the pain away for a moment. And during all of this, you probably ask, well, where's Ram's dad? Maybe he could have went to go to stay with his dad. His dad actually got sentenced to 13 years in prison a few months prior to this happening. Me and his father were together for about 13 years and recently broke up when I moved here. So we were only separated for four years. In that timeframe, we were co-parenting. So we've always shown up for our son. But in this particular case, he was in jail, in prison, and it was nothing he could do for us. It was nothing he could do for me. And for the first time, I would say ever, I felt completely alone. Completely alone. I didn't have a relationship with God because of this situation. I just completely denounced him. My sisters, they had their spouses. And so they did the best they could to show up for me. But as the oldest, I felt like it was my responsibility to be strong. So no one knew what I was experiencing on my end. No one knew that I was literally losing control. And as an Aquarius, and a leader, and a life past seven, and a generator, all these different things, I never want to lose control. I never want to lose control. And I literally lost control for a few months of my life. So I quit my job. And I was like, you know, I just, I can't do this. I can't, I can't, I can't do this. I'm barely making it. I was able to, my days literally consists of going to sleep, waking up, taking my son to the bus stop, getting back into bed. Taking him up from daycare, you know, feeding him, getting him to bed, going back to bed. Like that was all that I could do. That was all of the spoons that I had available to get through the day. And I just remember, you know, remember saying, like, is this how my life is? Is this how it's going to be for the rest of my life? I really felt like that was, this was going to be it for me. You know, and anyone who knows me, knows that I'm the most ambitious person you will ever meet. And so I had no concept of creating or doing anything. You know, my mom was my world. She was, and I often joke and say that she was the love of my life. She was my soulmate. And I felt lost. I felt like I was against the brick wall and there was nothing that I could do to get off of it. There's nothing I could do to help myself because I am so torn. I'm so heartbroken. I am spiraling out of control. Thank God that I didn't, you know, get into the drug arena, but I was definitely becoming an alcoholic. I could see it. I could feel it. I could see the changes I've gained over 15 pounds during that time because all I could do was eat and drink and sleep. And that's what my life looked like for a while. I would say this happened in August. So I would say September, October, November, December, January, February, I was a complete mess. My best friend, you know, did the best that she could to show up for me and my sisters were there, but I was a mess. I was literally spiraling out of control. And I remember telling my doctor that if I don't get the help that I need, I'm afraid. I'm actually afraid of what could happen to me and what could happen to my son. And I honestly don't know how I got out of that. You know, here we are in April leading up into May, and I feel a little bit stronger. I feel a little bit, I won't ever say better, but I feel a little bit better than I was then. The drinking has cut down. You know, I still have a glass of wine here or two, but it's not as bad as it was. And the reason for me starting this podcast was so that I could, I can share my experiences with you and also as we can, as hopefully we have the ability to heal together. My sister said, well, you know, what about therapy? And I said, hey, therapy is great, but there's nothing that the therapist can tell me that I don't already know. One thing about me is I've been on a spiritual journey, a spiritual path for almost 10 years. And so I know a lot of this, but at this point, I just need to talk it out. I just need to share my thoughts. And as I look in the news recently, there's a lot of domestic violence situations that end in tragedy. And I've noticed that it's a lot of people coming off hinge. A lot of people that are just completely that shit crazy. And so I realized that I want to create a safe space. I want to create a safe space for women who've experienced this type of pain. Lost a daughter, who's lost a son, who's lost a mother. And to tragedy, you know, not causes, not illnesses, but just by the hands of another. That's a whole different thing to heal from. And so I wanted to be able to offer a safe space for women to share their stories as they seek out justice. Now, with my mom's murder, there has not been a suspect. They don't have any suspects. They don't know who is responsible for this. So in my grief, in my grief and in getting through each day, I still have to fight for her. I still have to get justice for her. And that's a whole nother part that has to be taken out of me. I have to continuously talk about this in order to find, to get some answers. And so that's why I say this is going to be a life's journey. This is going to be something that it's going to take me a lifetime to get through. And I'm not going to stop fighting until I find out who did this to her. I'm not. And so fast forward, this is where we are today. And the first episode of the Motherless Child podcast. I just wanted to give you guys a brief background of why I'm here and my reasons for wanting to create this space. I hope that my story and my progress and me opening up to you all creates a space for you to do the same because we can't do this alone. I've tried my best to do it alone, and I saw myself spiraling. And I would hate for someone else to go through that experience that I went through. To turn to alcohol or to turn to drugs or to turn to just unsafe behavior in order to cope. Because that's usually the first way. That's the first thing that you know to do is to just want to feel better and by any means necessary. If you're killing yourself in the process, you don't really care about that. You just want to feel better. You just want the pain to stop. And I still deal with that every day. One thing I have been doing is journaling. Like I said, I keep my mom in my home. I don't know. Most people are not into ancestral offerings, but I do that for her. And I talk to her. And one thing that I will say is no one could ever keep my mom away from her kids. She may have, you know, did her thing for a couple of days, but she would always come back home. But she was never away from us for too long. And I realized that her love is infinite. Like it's never going to end whether she's here on this plane of existence or not. Wherever she is, what other plane or whatever dimension that she's on currently, she still is connected to us. And I say that because I remember going to the site where they found her, where they found her body. And I just wanted to see it. I wanted to see first if the police, because if you're from Charlotte, you know that a lot of people here are not as smart as you would think. And so I'm not trying to take anything from the Charlotte Police Department. I'm sure they did the best they could. But I just felt like I'm sure there is some evidence left out here. Like I know, you know, my mom wasn't found with a cell phone. She wasn't found with her purse, her personal items, nothing. She was just found. And I remember going to the site and it was just an eerie feeling that stopped yelling and screaming. And I remember calling out for her, calling out to her. And I remember looking around and I just saw a spot where I felt like that was probably where she was. And I just laid in that spot and I cried and I sobbed and I just said, Mom, I need to hear from you. I need to know that you're OK wherever you are. Let me know that you're OK. I, you know, and so I was out there for a while looking around, trying to see if I could find any type of evidence. Maybe her cell phone or her purse, her identification, just something, you know, because a part of me, although, you know, they said that they had fingerprints, a part of me felt like maybe it wasn't her. Like maybe she faked her death, you know, or maybe they thought it was her and they kind of got things, you know, across and it was really someone else. And she's really still here with us. But, you know, I just part of me is just trying to, you know, make sense of everything. And so I was just kind of creating all types of scenarios in my mind. And I remember going home and that very same night she came to me in my dream. And in my dream, we were riding in our old daycare van and our old school van and we were just having a blast. Like we were just laughing and talking. And I remember her telling me that she was OK and that she loves me and she'll be back soon. She was like, just I want you to know I'm on vacation and I'll be back. And I remember waking up in complete tears. I was sobbing uncontrollably because I asked for her to come to me that very day and that very night she did. So it let me realize that we're still connected, you know, no matter where she is, we're still connected. We're still one. And I think that was the first day that I started to heal a little bit. That was the first day that I actually felt that I was still alive because I felt like I had died with my mom. I felt like my essence and my soul and my joy was robbed from me and that I would never be the same woman again. And that very night when she visited me in my dream, it gave me some type of hope. It also let me know that energy is never destroyed. It's only transferred. And so you can't destroy an essence like her. She's always going to be there. And other little things were happening as well. I remember going to taking my son to school because this was a new school year. Mind you, my mom would handle a lot of his schooling and talking to the teachers and really, you know, intertwining with them. And I remember meeting his new teacher and I wasn't really impressed. I was like, oh, my goodness, this guy seems like he does not know what he's doing. This is going to be another crazy school year. And I don't even have my mom help me maneuver through this. And I left the school and I remember going to get something to eat. I think I went to Chick-fil-A or something like that. And I was crying because I was like, mom, this is so much on me. Like, I need your help. Like, I still need you. I'm only 39. And that may seem old to some people, but that's young when it comes to your parents. Like, you're still your parents' child. And I'm like, I still really need you. And how could this happen? And how could you? And so part of sometimes the anger left from from her to whoever did this to her. And I was I was actually angry with her for a while because I'm like, who are you with? You know, like, who are you? Who did you open yourself up to that had this type of character to do this to you? So that was also another thing that I kind of had to work through as well. But I remember going to the Chick-fil-A and I my mom loved iced coffee. I can't stand iced coffee. I was like, what's the point of drinking cold coffee? Like, I could never really get that part. But she loved iced coffee and I would always go and get her iced coffee in the morning. And I got to Chick-fil-A. I ordered my order. And when I got to the window. Mind you, I'm talking to her this whole ride, you know, I'm just telling her about this new teacher, how this is going to be a disaster of a school year. I mean, I'm just talking. And I remember when I got to the rep, the, you know, the employee asked me if I wanted a free iced coffee. She was like, you know, would you like this iced coffee? It's free. And I was like, what? You know, like, you know, normally if it's something that is going to be given to everybody, they'll tell you on the on the on the on the voice when you're ordering like, hey, we got free iced coffee today. Hey, would you like one? So it could be prepared, but it was already prepared for me. And I don't know if the person in front of me didn't want the iced coffee or however it came about. All I could tell, all I knew was that was my mom talking to me because I don't like iced coffee on the regular. Right. And my mom loves it. And so for the lady to ask me if I wanted some iced coffee and it was free, all I could do was smile. I was like, thank you, mom. I know that you're still here with me. And so just having these different experiences with her after after her death has actually is the only thing that's gotten me through. I think my mom knows that I needed to hear from her. I needed to see her. I needed to I still needed, you know, her. And I think that was her way of letting me know that she's still here with me and she'll never leave me. Regardless if she's here in physical form, she's always going to be with me spiritually. And, you know, just different situations like that has happened since her death. And that's what has really continued to push me and make me want to continue life because I was contemplating suicide. I mean, it wasn't heavy on the brain, but it was definitely I was just thinking of different ways. I remember me and my son went to a pool one night and we were just in the pool and I was like, well, what if I just go down to the deep end? I take his life jacket off and we just both, you know, just check ourselves out of here. And I end up calling my cousin and she, you know, was the one that kind of, you know, just talked me out of that. And but it was it was thoughts like that that continued to plague my mind. I was worried. I was afraid that maybe one day I may go through with those thoughts, you know. So getting help is definitely it's a must when you go through this type of tragedy because your life has changed. It's forever changed. And I knew that. And so that's the story of the day that changed our lives. That was August the 5th of last year. And we're coming up on a year of that. We're coming up on Mother's Day. We're coming up on different things that will remind us of her. And I just take each day as it comes. I don't plan too far in the future. You know, I go with the moment. I try my best to live in the present. Because I know that nobody's life is promised. You know, we're all here on a time frame. And when our time is up, when our straw is drawn, the curtain will close. And so I try my best to continue life as she would want me to. It's not easy. And it's probably one of the hardest things, if you've ever experienced, that you will ever experience. So each day I try my best to show up for myself. I try to show up for my son. And I try to get justice for my mom. But I do know that it's going to be a daily fight. And I do know that I'm not going to be better overnight. And so that's my story. That's why I'm here today with the Motherless Child podcast. Because there are so many women whose lives have been taken and they are forced to leave their children behind. They are forced to move forward in another dimension. Their children are forced to move forward without their mom, without their parent. And then if they don't have justice, they don't have anyone to blame. You know, they just have to sit with that anger. And to me, that is torture. It's complete torture. And so I want to be able to share the stories of women, of mothers who've lost their children, of children who've lost their mothers, in hopes that someone listening will know something and could bring us closer to finding justice for them. There's so many off cases throughout the entire world that it's almost sickening. And a lot of these women are minority women that people just don't care about. They just don't care. They don't put forth the energy or the effort to figure out what has happened to that woman. And I want that to, I hope that that can change one day. I hope that our voices could be heard and our stories could be shared in an effort to find justice. And if I have to do it alone, I'm willing to do it alone. But I will find justice not only for my mom, but for any other child that has experienced this type of pain. Me and my sisters have founded a program called Diane's Daughters. And the purpose of that program is to provide grief support for children who've lost their parents suddenly, tragically. And try to be there to work through it because to have to plan a funeral and to raise kids and to get through life, and you still don't feel like you're old enough to have to do that yet, it's a whole other ballgame. And I want to be able to offer any type of assistance that I can to anyone who's experienced this type of trauma. So that's it for tonight's show. I just wanted to share with you the mission of this podcast and the reason why it came about. And the story of the tragedy that completely changed our lives forever. I hope that you guys join me for the very next episode next Sunday at 8 p.m. Eastern Standard Time on speaker as well as Spotify. And I will try to share some clips on YouTube and on the rest of the social media handles as well. But if you have any suggestions, if you want to join the show, feel free to send me a message. I can be found on Facebook at Dionya Divine, Instagram Dionya Divine, and on YouTube at Right Terrain. Also you can shoot me an email at DionyaDivine at gmail.com. Thank you all for listening. Thank you all for tuning in tonight and allowing me to share my story with you. Like I said, if you're interested in joining the podcast or you would like to be a guest, feel free to send me an email. I would love to have you. The more voices we get, the more we get these stories out, the better chance we have of getting justice. Remember, where there is no justice, there can never be peace. Transcribed by https://otter.ai https://otter.ai https://otter.ai
