The Year That Broke Me

In 2022, Deanna Byrne faced delayed grief and intense personal trauma after the sudden loss of her husband. She spiraled into darkness and experienced mental illness, but also found strength in sharing her journey with others. She learned the importance of setting boundaries and removing toxic people from her life. Despite the hardships, she believes that 2023 will bring hope, growth, and connection. Deanna emphasizes the need for compassion and understanding, urging people to stop gossiping and causing emotional pain. She acknowledges the support she received and looks forward to the future, knowing that her social media reflects her journey. Hi there, my name is Deanna Byrne. Welcome to Pivot to Passion, a commentary about just getting through life, climbing those mountains, going through those treacherous waters and continuing to get back up. Finding strength within your journey, finding solutions, and trying to empower people gently along the way. Today, I'm going to talk about 2022. You see, in January of 2022, I remember actually writing this amazing letter on my social media about how I had overcome two of the darkest years of my life, crawling out of the pits of hell and grief after the sudden loss of my husband. Completely thinking I had grown from one of those darkest points of my life and thinking that the warrior woman inside of me was ready to face the world with incredible strength and tenacity. What I didn't know was that 2022 would actually be the darkest year yet. You see, a lot of this year, I was going through what is called delayed grief. You see, the reason being is that for the first two years after my husband's death, the world had technically shut down. So I wasn't exposed to a lot of those normal things or situations that you would be exposed to after the loss of a loved one that would allow certain things to come to the surface for an individual to process and heal from. I also had some pretty serious personal family stuff come to the surface that made me deal with some pretty deep and significant unresolved trauma. I made the decision to do this recording and put this on my social media because today is actually no different than the last three years. I've been very public and vocal about my journey of grief and recovery and I don't really intend to stop now. You see, one does this because it's used as a medium to release the thoughts in your head, to be able to look back at how far you've come and to possibly somehow give someone peace and comfort in knowing that what they're feeling in this moment and what you are saying can resonate and allow them to feel that they are not alone. I spiraled this year. I lost myself this year. My mind and my body could no longer cope with the intense trauma that it had been trying to deal with the past few years. And I finally broke. You see, mental illness can affect anyone. You can never believe a facade that people put in front of themselves so that people cannot see through into the darkness. People comment about how could someone commit suicide or how we didn't know they were so broken or why didn't they just get help? Well, that's because when it's dark, it's dark. And this severe disease can affect every single person, regardless of race, family, wealth or success. And sometimes asking for help is just too much. 2022 was the year that I screamed for help. It was the year that I was completely broken, that my mental illness peaked into a place of absolute and utter darkness. A place where I was not sure many times that I was going to be able to get out. And many times I simply did not want to. I simply want to close my eyes and never wake up. 2022 is the year that I sat with pain, allowing my body to feel the pain and to not mask it. Masking it by drugs or alcohol or detachment or chasing things. I wanted to feel the intense grief, sorrow, anger, frustration, confusion, and a wide array of other emotions that are connected to what can only be described as an iceberg. The outside world only seen the tip of the iceberg. But your mind spiraling at warp speeds with the intense emotions and feelings underneath the water that no one ever sees. 2022 is also the year that I defined my own personal boundaries. I cut ties and cords with people that no longer resonated with my soul and my spirit. It was also the year that I continued spiraling and running, trying to find myself deep within there. And as the year comes to an end, I still haven't quite found her yet. But I'm still trying. 2022 was also the year that by removing people in situations in my life, I made room for the most amazing things to happen and the most amazing people to come into it. This was also the year of being able to love myself, laugh at myself and discover my inner and outer beauty and sit within my own insecurities and lack of confidence and learn to push through that. To come out of that and come out the other end as a beautiful butterfly. I know that sounds kind of corny and cliche, right? But it is the absolute truth. Many people have struggled this year and have been on their own intense journeys of healing, love and compassion. And mine is no worse nor any different than anyone else's. My journey was my own. One of the hardest lessons this year was for me to sit back and realize that not everyone will be there at the end. That people will judge you and criticize and talk about you, thinking that you will not know where you will not hear the rumors and truths. You will sit with that intense pain, because you allowed yourself to be vulnerable in front of people, only for that to be used against you and talked about. I do ask that if you have ever done this to another human being to please stop. You cannot imagine the intense emotional pain and trauma that comes from causing another human being sadness, simply because you chose to gossip about them in their own trauma. Your words could very easily be the breaking point for someone at some point in their life and journey of mental illness. So just stop. I look at 2023 with hope and optimism. I look at the year as if it is full of opportunity, love, compassion and understanding. It will be a year of growth and connection and a year of community gathering again and breaking bread to define the true meaning of connection and moral values. I also look at 2023 as a year of hope that we as a nation and as a world can move past the atrocities and stress of the last three years. To move past the division and hatred that has so changed the lives of so many human beings to their core. A year where we can look at each other as equals, rather than opposites. Where we can embrace each other, our fears, our passions, our worries and our wisdom to genuinely connect and move forward. This year was the darkest of my life. The warrior woman inside of me yet again carried me through some of the most turbulent waters that I have ever experienced. And I can tell you with absolute certainty that losing my husband wasn't nearly as hard as it was losing myself. I thank those who stood by me during these challenging times. To those who called to check in or text or messaged when you knew that I wasn't okay. And to those who sat in the shadows and I knew you were there if I needed you. Your friendship, your kindness and your words meant more than I can ever truly say. To those who felt it necessary to judge and criticize me. I also wish you the best and hope that your 2023 will fill you with peace, love and joy. Also a deep knowing that we as humans are all interconnected and equal. And I know that my social media has been nothing short of a train wreck this year. And I would love to say that with absolute certainty it won't be in 2023. But who knows, right? Life is a box of chocolates. Stay tuned for season four. If I look back at my social media, it will be an absolute true expression of the waves and the mountains that I had to scale this year. The good, the bad and the ugly. However, I would like to think that every single day my memories tab will show me how far I have come, how far I have grown and what 365 days looks like through the dark tunnels of mental illness. God bless you all.