Being mistaken for somebody else

The speaker discusses their struggle with being mistaken for someone else and not knowing how to be their true self. They prefer to remain bland and keep their personality hidden to avoid confusion and judgment from others. They find it easier to be alone and not have to explain themselves. They mention feeling comfortable around a person named Kay and being able to be a better version of themselves when with them. They value solitude and spend most of their time alone, utilizing the library for resources. They make recordings to express their thoughts and upload them online. They discuss desires and the suffering it can cause, reflecting on the need for balance and the importance of being with Kay. I'm always being mistaken for somebody else and it's not surprising because I don't know how to be who I am. Well I can be who I am but the problem with being who I am is that it isn't who I am and I don't like how it makes me feel so it's easier if I don't try to be, if I'm not being anything around most people. So if I'm bland, grey, there's nothing there, no personality, no character, it's all internal and also people don't expect anything from me and they leave me alone, they don't even talk to me, they won't even interact because I am not attempting to do that with them. I've decided that actually it's easier if I don't do any of that. I can't be myself, I don't exactly know who that is, I can't be it, I can't be how I feel, I can't express what it is I'm really feeling so it's always a version of me, it's always a faint glow of me which is maybe typical, maybe that's how we're all to some degree a version of ourselves but I feel like I can't bring all of me out so rather than bring some of me out which is confusing and interferes with being something else another time, I'll bring none of me out or very little of me out so that I don't have to go through that. I don't want to have to explain myself, why am I like this, why was I like that, why did I do that, why did I do this, why am I different, why is there no consistency, why can't I be however I am? Well I know why I can't be however I am because it creates confusion, it's like we all want to feel like we know somebody, we put them in our own internal psychological box, this person likes this, does that, acts this way, it's an unconscious unspoken knowing based on familiarity, based on observation and some people we get on with and other people we don't but we define, we decide how we define them, whether we can be around them, how it makes us feel and then we expect it to be like that every time. There are, there can be moments when it's outside the box, tragedy will do that, very upset or angry but we can only tolerate some of that for a bit, if there's too much outside the box activity where it's unpredictable we won't be comfortable and will not want to be involved. So I feel like just to be around people on a semi-regular basis I have to be very careful about what I reveal, once I open the door it's very difficult to close it again and I often feel like I need to, so again if I don't open the door then I don't have to close it and I don't have to let anything out, I don't have to let any of them in and it means that I can do what it is I'm doing, be there, get whatever it is I need with the minimum of interaction and the minimum of having to deal with the effects of me. So it's not that I don't know who I am in those moments, in fact I'm just being honest with myself that this is how it needs to be for me, this works best for me, it may not be what works best for me but it is what it seems like it is at this moment and I just come and go, I am not mysterious, I am maybe aloof, maybe I'm even seen as he thinks he's better than us, people have thought that before, some have said it, many have said it, I'm not saying many haven't but people have thought that. I can't, I'm not in control of what people think and if they don't put it in my face then it's none of my business is it? I am not better than anyone, I'm just different, doing it differently, they may think I think that but that's their problem not mine, that doesn't mean that they're not good people, it doesn't mean that I wouldn't have an interesting conversation and enjoy it but there's a price to pay for that as the door opens so they think they know me, they expect me to be the way they expect me to be, if I am anything other than that I see the sort of shock, the unexpected, he's unpredictable, I'm unsettled by it, it isn't how I want things and the connection severs. At first it feels like I've lost something because it's severed but actually it's releasing me and I realise I didn't want that connection in the first place and I can see that I opened the door or the door was open, I went through it and again this is the result of it. It's life but it's not life I need to keep repeating. Now that doesn't mean that there isn't, wouldn't be, couldn't be somebody that I would open the door for and be happy to go through because there'd be an opportunity to spend a lot of time in a world I recognise. I feel very comfortable when I'm around Kay even though we are quite different, that's very true, I feel comfortable to be a higher version of myself, a better version of myself, a version of myself I like, I like how I feel, I like what takes place and I'm happy with it and I actually can take me quite a while when I return to my solitude to come down from it. I almost can't function sometimes, I'm affected by being high from it, it takes me a little while to return to earth but apart from that I don't interact with people, I might alright, I might nod depending on how they are but sometimes I won't even look, I just walk past people looking down, I'm strange, just accept it and leave me alone. I don't mean to be rude, I'm not judging you, it's not about you, it's just about me, I'm not the only one who's strange and doesn't talk to people but she's clearly, she's been on the street years, many many years and she's clearly very strange, I'm just aloof, silent, I keep my distance, I only go into that world because there's benefit for me, it suits me and I get something I like out of it and then I get out of it as quickly as I can and almost breathe out, I'm used to it but I'm still not comfortable in that world but then I breathe out and I'm back to being in my own world and I just get on with it. I wouldn't want to do that too often, sometimes I just don't do it at all because it is challenging to be in a world I don't particularly want to be, I hear people talking about the football and did you drink last night and it's not something I'm comfortable with because I'm not interested in what they do, I'm just there and it's not that there's a problem, no one's calling at me or why aren't you involving yourself or they just deal with themselves, those they want to be around and that suits me fine and because I haven't opened the door they leave me alone, I sit on the table by myself, if others come in they don't join me they join others because talking is what they like, they don't stop talking and loudly as well, I don't know why people talk so loudly, it's not that they're deaf. I've even thought about putting earplugs in and I did try it once and it does make it easier but strangely enough two people tried to talk to me and I couldn't quite hear them and I didn't want to take the earplug out and I realised that actually I can't wear earplugs I just have to accept that it will be loud at times, it doesn't feel right to be that detached, that separated because I do sometimes need to listen and hear clearly what's being said not miss some of it and then wonder what they actually meant. But apart from that I am alone, I experience solitude, I spend a lot of time inside especially as it's been very wet recently, it's damp and I am in and I have everything I need, I make sure that I am self-contained. I go to the library during the week and utilise the facilities and sit by a warm radiator and use their electricity and their internet and there drink their water and use their toilet. I don't, it's much nicer to do that than be in the van, I don't want heating on, I don't want to be in the cold and damp but I will later on, I can only be in the library so long before I feel the need to be alone again even though I am alone mostly and I've got earplugs or earphones in but it isn't still it isn't isolated enough and if it's a, there's some sun in the day then I'm getting charged and I can actually be in the van with my laptop if I need to be or I'll just use my phone plugged into a power bank or the solar. I just spend my time alone and I sometimes make recordings like this and then upload them to my audio site, I haven't really sent links to people, not really feeling it, not really talking to anyone, I'm just keeping a record of what it is I feel urged to talk about, to look at, to raise. I'm watching something, a thought comes, I stop and I start talking and I do that until I'm finished and then I carry on watching whatever it was and I've done that many times actually I like the freedom to indulge the expression, to be able to, I'm not sure I'm saying anything new or important but it, I feel emptier in doing it, like I'm emptying out. It's only a thought, maybe a one or two and I'm not indulging it internally, I actually want to talk about it and then I'm emptier. If I don't talk about it, it hasn't got anywhere to go, it can't earth, it can't come out and be hearable, so it has to be recorded, I can't just sit here talking to myself even though essentially I am. It has to be hearable, either by me and or by others. And then that's it, simple life, day by day by day by day, very little changes, I like that and at the same time I also do recognise that when there is more, and sometimes there is more, I like the fact that there is more, especially if it has come about without me making it happen and I'm happy to explore and experience it and so there's variety unexpected. I need it, I can't go looking for it, somehow that won't result in what, the feeling that's needed. If anything it might actually make me want to return to solitude far quicker than I expected. And the rest is like I cannot desire because just as Buddhism talks about desire leads to suffering and I have been experiencing suffering through obsessive repetitive thoughts about the thing desired, perpetuating it, needing it, somehow only realising it will satisfy but the reality is that's unlikely to be true, I just think it will be, but that's the desire fuelling which eventually leads to more and more suffering. I can't really explore it, I don't really want to, open the door because I won't be able to close it and then when it goes, which it usually does, I realise how much I've been affected by it, that I'm no longer suffering because the desire isn't there and I'm therefore able to see what it was like when it was, how insane I suppose I was, how crazy I am in that because on the one hand it feels like, oh this could be real, but on the other it won't be, I just know it won't be, but that voice doesn't shout so loud, the desire is a lot louder, a lot brighter, look at me, look at me, don't, just follow this, do this, get this, have this, the voice of reason is quiet, it's much quieter and easily overruled I suppose, overawed, overwhelmed and if I do that then I have to learn the results of satisfying the desire, I still have desire for certain foods, I can delay gratification but inevitably get there eventually or just go for it and can be satisfied and pleased and disappointed, if I need and want pleasure I must also open to its opposite, two sides of the coin, can't have one sided coins, it would be better for me not to have that either, to simply eat nutritionally therefore there's no desire because it's just what makes sense, it's good for the body, it's healthy and intelligent and aware, so it doesn't come with the urge to satisfy, it is more evolved, I know what that's like, I have lived with it many times but somehow I still fall back into wanting something that I enjoy, not many, not much and often discovering that I don't enjoy it now, it was simply a legacy thought that needed to be brought into the present so that I could let go of it because the experience turns out to be nothing like the memory or the desire tells me it will be. They're very useful lessons but if I could not need to experience that, if I could simply let go of craving or the satisfying of craving and turn to nutrition and health exclusively which I've not been able to do but I'm saying in theory if I could do this it would release another level of desire that I still experience which means that I am perpetually on a certain vibration level and can't go beyond it, can't expand as a result of continuing to believe that it's something I want, if I believe it's something I want then that vibration being you could say the lowest of the base keeps me there, I can't go up while being held down and yet even though I know this clearly as I'm talking about it, I don't do it, I am here in this world and while I'm not really happy to do what most people repeatedly do I still do some of it otherwise I wouldn't be able to interact at all and sure I could go shopping for food, I don't have to speak to anyone, I can self-check out and never have to interact if I don't want to and be incredibly isolated I can't be cut off entirely because there's Kay who I see two or three times a week so that I can only have small segments of isolation I can't have weeks and weeks where I simply become outside of the world I need to be in it, there has to be some balance even if it's not equal, there has to be some. It's healthy, it's good for me but I would prefer to prefer more of Kay than of anything else because that feels more real to me than anything else. Yes, Eliza too but Eliza can be wonderful to be with and horrible to be with. Kay is always lovely to be with and that's what I mean by in her presence her energy elevates I am better, my better self, my higher self, open, easy, willing, positive, forgiving, connected it's good for me I like it but I can't have too much of it, it would become too much overwhelming, my cup would runneth over, it's interesting and so and it all sort of happens without me really doing anything I can talk about it and recognise it in this moment but in the present where I'm experiencing it I just go with it. With Kay it doesn't seem to be a negative because I don't try to make anything happen with everybody else if I don't try to make something happen then it is assumed I'm not interested and it's different with Kay it doesn't make her think that I don't notice that in what takes place. It's hard to describe you would have to see it and then you would understand and there's nothing else like it for me so it's uniqueness makes it very special and I am very careful, mindful not to abuse it, not to use it up, not to want more of it, not to hold on to it just to allow it to flow in its own natural way and when it's over be walking away absolutely fine without any feeling of loss or lack. I like that, I like it very much, it's the realest thing I know and in a sense nothing else matters as a result but obviously I have to deal with other things and do other things and experience other things from time to time but compared to that nothing else is real.