A Godly Family | Ephesian 6:1-4

Paul addresses the children directly in his letter to the Ephesians. He tells them to obey their parents in the Lord and to honor their father and mother. He emphasizes that children are an important part of the covenant community and that God works through generations and families. Children are called to obey their parents in the strength of the Lord. Well, if you have your Bible, feel free to make your way to Paul's letter to the Ephesians as we come now to chapter 6. And kids, just a word to you. Very often you probably notice I do directly address you, but you should know that today is particularly special as Paul is speaking directly to children, so you want to make sure you have your best listening ears on for today's sermon. And see, even in this reading, if you can hear and listen for the two things, two things that Paul tells children to do and what their great reward is in doing these two things. As our scripture reading this morning is Ephesians 6, verses 1 through 4. And these are the words of the one and only God. Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother. This is the first commandment with a promise, that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land. Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. And the grass withers and the flower fades. The Word of the Lord stands forever. Let us pray. O gracious God, indeed you have revealed unto us the things that which we could never know on our own, of how it would go well for us, that all of us being children are summoned to obey, to honor our parents. We know why this is, to above all, to honor you, to glorify you, our Father who is in heaven. And so we do pray you'd give us eyes to see, you'd give us ears to hear. We've been praying in particular for our covenant children today, that you would give them a special hearing, that they would be able to lay up your Word in their heart and practice it in their lives. We pray this in Jesus' name, amen. You may be seated. Think of all of the things that you have made, that you have created. Children, I'm sure for you, you've created many arts and crafts, maybe even this morning in Sunday school. I know many of you are great at making food, something I relish every fellowship meal here. Some of you are great at making fine woodwork. Still others great at making music. Others great at creating art. Still others very skilled at making profitable businesses and companies. Think of all the things that you have made and created and then ask yourself, how long do these things last for? Some of those things not very long at all, right, food only a few hours, a craft maybe a few weeks before it's tossed, woodwork considerably longer, maybe years, maybe decades, maybe even centuries if it's passed down. But eventually time, of course, wins. And yet there is one thing that a man and woman create that lasts, not for days, not for months, not for decades, not even for centuries, but lasts forever. And that is a child. It was R.L. Dabney who once made the most sobering statement that once a father and mother create a child, they have in fact created an eternal flame, an eternal soul that will last forever, never to be extinguished, that of all the things that we make, creating life itself is indeed the most significant. And it's to this very truth that Paul brings us to this morning, namely the relationship of children to their parents. Paul has just walked us through wives and then husbands, and so naturally now he turns to parents and their children, and God's design for the family. It was the great Jonathan Edwards who once said that every home ought to be like a little church. The children would see their homes as a place not simply of food and shelter, but like little academies where they are reared up in the faith of Jesus Christ. It's to this very ideal that Paul points us to now in chapter 6. So just a word to you, if either you don't have children or maybe you have adult grown children and you might think, well, this message does not apply to me, but know as we've said before that knowing the roles of children, knowing the roles of parents, having that biblical wisdom will of course equip you to give counsel, encouragement, to pray for your fellow brothers and sisters. And of course, one thing that all of us have in common is that all of us, every one of us is a child of somebody. We're all to strive to honor our father and mother, either in reality or in living memory. And so with that, we'll look at these four simple verses and we'll walk through it in three simple parts, looking at a child's calling, secondly, what is a child's reward, and then thirdly, what are the parents, in particular, what are the father's duties? All with the main point being a godly, God-fearing home. So beginning in verse 1, Paul says, children, obey your parents. Now, before we even get into what children are to do, we must first pause to notice what an amazing thing this is that Paul is addressing children directly. We've seen Paul address different categories of people so far, the Jew, the Gentile, husbands, fathers, masters, and slaves shortly. But here, in this letter to the Ephesian church, a letter to be read in the public gathering of God's people, he directly addresses children. In other words, he's not saying, hey, parents, when you get home, be sure to pass this message along to your children on my behalf. No, he's speaking to children directly. And that is quite an astounding thing when you think about it. That implies at least a few things. Firstly, Paul all but assumes that children are part of the covenant community. He fully expects that children can and will receive God's Word and respond to God's Word with faith and obedience. Of course, they will do so in a childlike way, with childlike faith that will mature over time, but a sincere faith nonetheless. And we only hear the words of Jesus that commends, not condemns, childlike faith, that of all the ways Jesus could have taught His disciples, what did He do? He sets a little child in their midst and He tells grown men, you become like this little child in your humble faith. Incidentally, this is probably why you've noticed in our worship service, there's a fullness of what Charles Spurgeon called holy hubbub, holy hubbub. That is to say, a term he used for all the squirms and wiggles and spilt drinks and cries and racket and everything that comes along with children in the covenant community. Secondly, this understanding of children is, of course, right in line with the Old Testament understanding of the family. We can think of the verses, children are a heritage from the Lord. Children are like arrows filling up one's quiver. That famous passage of Deuteronomy 6, we just read, whatever you're doing, when you rise, when you lay down, when you go about your way, always be teaching your children so that the next generation might hope in God. And we see that very same idea continues onward into the New Testament. This verse plays a small role in why we baptize infants, that the New Testament has this explicit understanding that children are included in the covenant community. Thirdly, it reminds us that our great God has always worked in and through generations, in and through families. You might say, God plays the long game. He's interested in playing the long game, using generations by the thousands. God after all started with just two people, not two billion people. He starts with two people and He tells Adam and Eve, be fruitful, multiply and fill up the world with My image. And what a reminder and a refinement that is for us to recover the biblical view of children. For after all, what is the world's stance towards children? Just like with marriage, you don't need to be a brilliant strategist to answer the question, does Satan like the idea of God's image filling up the earth? And so we see things in our modern day, like the murdering of unborn children under the disguise of freedom. It was Margaret Sanger, pioneer of so-called women's rights, in her book entitled The Wickedness of Creating Large Families, argued this, quote, the most merciful thing that a large family does to one of its infant members is to kill it. But on an even more subtle level, a more nefarious level, it is the church at large that has in many ways bought into this downgrading of children. That even within the walls of the church, children are sometimes considered a kind of alien race of people, right, treated as if they're not quite capable, maybe not quite ready for the things of God. And so we are in every way to renew our minds. God tells us when we look at children, we are to see them as ripe blessings, primed for godliness. If the world would say they are curses, we are in every way to say, no, they are blessings. Now, of course, children don't always act like blessings, but blessings they are from the hand of the Lord. And so Paul addresses children directly, and he gives them this command, just like with wives, just like with husbands, it's this very straightforward command in verse 1. Children, obey your parents. And so, children, you should notice that the call for you to obey your parents is very specific. It's not obey adults. It's not even obey other people's parents. It's obey your parents in particular for many reasons, not least of all because God has given them a unique authority, a unique responsibility to shepherd you and to steward you and holds them accountable for that very thing. And so Paul has that in mind when he says, children, obey your parents. But next he tells children what is probably the most important part of their obedience because we should ask the question, well, how are kids going to do that? How are children going to obey their parents? And you find the answer in verse 1. He says, obey your parents in the Lord. Now to do something in the Lord is just a shorthand way of saying, not by man's strength, but do it by God's strength. If you need a clear example, just glance down at verse 10. You can see there Paul gives this command, be strong, and in the same phrase, in the Lord and in the strength of His might. The meaning is very clear, right? But the only way we can be strong is in God and through God's spirit working in us. And very same thing here for children. Paul is saying, children, obey your parents. And here's how, not by your own strength, not by your own might, but do it in the Lord. Do it in faith. For children, indeed, how hard it is at times to obey your parents, right, that there are things that you want to do. You want to do them right away. You want to do them in your own way, even if it means disobeying your parents. And kids know that your first parents, Adam and Eve, were tempted in the very same way, that they chose their way over the way of their heavenly Father. So kids, here Paul's good word to you today, to obey your parents, not in your own strength, but in God's strength and in His spirit working through you, that right now, today, today is the day. You're not too young. Today is the day to learn what it is to depend on the Lord and don't lean on your own understanding. And secondly, this means for those of us who are parents, what a reminder this is, to always, always be aiming for the heart, to be laboring and praying for our children that their obedience would be done in the right way, with the right motivations, for the right reasons. How easy for parents to simply settle for outward conformity, mere compliance, mere moralism. But verse 1 says, set your sights higher. Mere compliance is not the goal. You think of those words of Solomon in Proverbs where he says, My son, give me your heart. He's not interested in just pharisaical, legalistic obedience. No, as a father, he longs for his son's obedience to be the overflow of the heart. As one author said, the goal is not simply reaching the standard, but loving the standard. To be able to say along with Proverbs, oh, to obey, it's like a graceful garland around my neck. It's a victorious thing for me to obey. And lastly, Paul concludes verse 1 with this very simple statement saying, quote, For this is right. That word right being the root word of righteousness. So we might say, this is a righteous arrangement that God Himself has instituted between parent and child. And even that calls for us to renew our minds once again, right, as our modern day makes it seem so normal, so expected for the stereotypical teenager to scoff and roll their eyes at their parents, for the toddler to throw a tantrum. And so, kids, just notice the command is not obey your parents when it's easy. Obey your parents when it feels good to do so. Or even obey your parents because they are perfect and always right. Far from it. Rather, it is God's righteousness that calls for your obedience. And so this righteous arrangement also heads off the parent's temptation to abdicate this responsibility, shift it off of themselves and onto other entities, whether it be the government, a school, a program, a mentor, or simply out of our own negligence. Right. Parents are plagued with temptations to let somebody else raise up the next generation. It was John Dewey, founder of Modern Public Education, showed all of his cards when he said this, quote, ìWe need to free and liberate children from the oppressive religious doctrines of their parents.î A statement that he made many, many, many years ago that we see now coming to fruition in our own day. And so we must hold fast to God's Word. There is no shortage of competition to wrest away the authority that God has uniquely entrusted to parents. And that also ought to give parents incredible confidence. God is on your side, as it were. He has appointed you. He has equipped you, called you to be His representative on earth, to bring up the next generation to hope in God. And so there is a word on the child's calling. Very simple, to obey your parents. But next we get to see the child's reward in the next two verses. Paul says this, ìHonor your father and mother, this is the first commandment, with the promise that it may go well with you.î So Paul is citing there, of course, the fifth commandment that we just read. But he's drawing attention to something very special about the fifth commandment. But before that, delayed gratification. Let's notice that the covenant child is summoned not only to obey his parents, but something else, to show honor to his father and mother. To show honor, of course, is to display this deep respect, this weightiness towards one's father and mother. And as just with wives, as just with husbands, this is not something that children are naturally inclined to do in their fallenness, right? By nature, children lean towards folly and dishonor. You surely don't need me to tell you that. But kids, remember, do this in the Lord, right? The commands of God are always good and right, and His burden is light. And so strive to show honor to your parents. And so, kids, that would mean many things. That would mean talking respectfully to your parents, obeying them without grumbling and complaining, obeying them with a happy heart right away. And, of course, that means for those of us who are adult children, that would mean showing our parents honor, and indeed what a powerful witness that is in a society that denigrates the elderly. And when this is done, when children honor their parents, now we come to this great reward that God has promised. Kids, just think of how you like rewards. Maybe it's dessert, maybe it's a show you get to watch, maybe you get to stay up a little later. Well, kids, here is the best reward of all in verse 2. Paul says, honor your father and mother that it will go well with you and that you may live long in the land. So again, this is quoting the fifth commandment, that original promise being living long in the land of Canaan, the promised land. But remember, Ephesians is a letter to Jew and Gentile, to this new humanity that Christ is making. And so we get to see the covenant promises of the Old Testament continuing forward in the New Testament, only now they are even richer, even better, even whiter. And we know why. Because Jesus Christ Himself has fulfilled those covenant promises. In Christ alone, all those promises are yes and amen. And so how awesome is this promise for children in that obedient, honoring children are set on a course to live long, to live well, not in Canaan, but both here and hereafter. And the children are set on a course for a blessed life that is pleasing in the eyes of God. And you've got to appreciate what a counter-cultural statement this was at the time. It was the great Aristotle, perhaps the greatest mind to walk the earth, made the claim that boys, young boys, cannot be happy. Better translation, cannot be blessed because they don't possess the maturity, the ability to live a good life. I won't even tell you what he said of girls. And what do we see in our day? We say, oh yes, children can be happy, children can be blessed, but to do so, he or she needs to excel at this particular sport, excel at this particular instrument, be accepted to this particular school, have this many friends, this many activities, have this many accomplishments. Of course, what is swallowed up is this simple truth, no, for the child to be blessed, for it to go well with the child is simply this, to obey and to honor his parents. Because of course, the simple reason is that when children obey their parents, ultimately they are obeying the Lord God above. That's why such obedience is so pleasing to the Lord, because it honors God above as sovereign over all. And conversely, that also means it will not go well for the disobedient child. You might remember in the Mosaic Law, it showed just how severe this was, that the disobedient rebellious child was brought out before the covenant community, pronounced a curse over him and he was stoned to death as punishment. And the reason again was clear, because to rebel against one's parents is to rebel against Yahweh himself. But to honor your parents is to honor Yahweh above. And so kids, see this great reward that is set before you in your obedience. And above all, look to Jesus Christ. Kids, remember this, Jesus Christ knows what it is to be a child. He knows what it is to be five years old. He knows what it is to be eight. He knows what it is to be 12 years old. And what does Scripture even say? That when he was worshiping God, when he was doing what he loved to do most, he was submissive to his parents. And it was pleasing in the eyes of God. And so kids, look to him. When you sin, look to him for forgiveness. When you strive to obey, look to him for strength. Hear the words of Jesus Christ. The Lord of the universe says, let the children come to me. He will receive you. And so with that, let us now look at the third portion, which pivots off of children and now on to parents in verse 4, particularly on to the father. And so we're asked, well, why the father and not the mother? Well, certainly we know not because the mother is in any way less valuable or less needed. Paul just said, honor your father and mother equally. But Scripture, of course, so often speaks to our weaknesses, to our blind spots. God in his kindness is saying, hey, you've got blind spots. You can't see them, but I can see them. And I'm going to tell you ahead of time, here are your blind spots to watch out for. And so here goes Paul. And he says, fathers, here is your potential pitfall in parenting. Verse 4, do not provoke your children to anger. And Scripture gives us, I think, at least three ways that a father provokes a child to anger, absence, abuse and accommodation. Firstly, absence. Simply by not being around, a father can provoke his child to anger. Right? It's a broad spectrum, but that could mean anything from altogether abandoning the family to simply not being diligent to be present in their lives. Right? It's an ertruism that the child of an absentee father acts out. It's no accident that so many incarcerated men are the men of...men without a father. As one author said, a generation ago, a child could reasonably expect to have a father. Now a child can reasonably expect not to have a father. So the father must guard his schedule against the tyranny of time and be present and diligent in their lives. Secondly, provocation comes from abuse...abuse. In this case, the father is present and his presence is the very problem because he uses the authority that God has entrusted to him and he abuses it, be it verbal, be it physical. Either way, he's domineering, overbearing, harsh, critical. He doesn't know the frame of his children and so he places unreasonable demands upon his children. Or he disciplines his children, but he does so out of anger and frustration and irritation. This is why, for those of you who are parents, if you are angered when you are disciplining, you are disqualified from disciplining your children. And the third way of provocation, perhaps the most overlooked in our day, is that of accommodation...accommodation. The father fails to discipline his children out of a kind of false tenderheartedness. You might remember Adonijah, the son of David. The Scripture says that David never at any time disciplined Adonijah. And you see how Adonijah grows up. He challenges his father's throne. He tries to take over his kingdom and in the end it costs him his very life. And so this is why Proverbs is so clear, do not withhold correction from a child. To do so is actually one of the most unloving things a father could do. To leave a child unshepherded and undisciplined is the greatest of cruelties. And so Paul says, fathers, beware of this pitfall. Do not provoke your children to anger by your absence, by your accommodation, by your abuse or by any other reason. That's where we're right to also ask, well, couldn't a mother provoke a child to anger? Well, absolutely, yes, that can and does happen. But Paul directs this to the father, likely for the reasons we just reviewed last week, that the husband, as the head of his wife, as the head of his family, carries a distinct weightiness to his sins. It's this kind of trickle-down effect that through Adam, sin entered the world, right? Such is the nature of headship. But if a father seeks to be a blessing to his family, then all boats rise, as they say. That of course is the very opposite of the world's wisdom, isn't it? That fathers are considered to be, at best, nice accessories to have around, but certainly not necessary for a healthy family. And a father can be replaced by another mom, by the state, by social welfare or any other means. And so fathers, you must resist that kind of thinking and you must think of yourself as highly important, very important, not to be confused with thinking of yourself puffed up or pridefully. I mean to think of your title, your office, your role as father as very important. Remember Samuel's rebuke to King Saul, he said, though you're little in your own eyes, are you not the head of the tribes of Israel? We can say the same thing to fathers. Do not think of yourself as little in your own eyes. Are you not the head of your family? And so Paul's charge to the father is to put off all these forms of provocation. But as always, you know what Paul's going to do, he's not just going to say put off, he says now put this on. Verse 4, bring up your children in the discipline and the nurture of the Lord. That verb bring up is the verb for nourish. We've already seen that in Ephesians, right? Husbands nourish your wives. And Calvin helpfully translates this as fondly cherish your children, fondly cherish them. And then Paul tells us exactly what he means by nourish. Exactly this. He says fathers provide discipline, provide discipline. Greek word there, pedia, for training. To get a grip on that word, you can think of that famous verse in 2 Timothy, where it says all Scripture is God breathed, profitable for training in righteousness. Same word there. It's this idea of being fully formed and shaped into the person that God has called us to be. It's this full-orbed, all-encompassing training that the Father is to provide. And so fathers, once again, we're to embrace this as our responsibility. Not the government's, not a school's, not even the church. Of course that can be of great help. But the idea is that the Father is to raise up His children for a life of godliness. Now does that mean every waking moment the Father is doing this? No, of course not. But it does mean the Father is taking the lead, He's taking the initiative, the accountability for all training and formation of His children. Secondly, very closely related, Paul says in verse 4, fathers are to provide instruction. That would be like admonition, correction, correcting beliefs, correcting behaviors, both heart and mind, all with a view to forming this biblical character, this biblical worldview. And so practically, verse 4 would look like many things for the Father. Be things like family worship, catechesis, providing your children, praying with and for your children, seizing upon the limitless teachable moments that life presents to you, providing your children this thoroughly Christian education so that they could look at the world and see God in it. It's a separate lesson altogether, but this would most certainly mean confronting the false agenda of public school that in every way is contrary to verse 4. And so, fathers, this is indeed, it's a weighty command, it's as weighty as they come. But what an encouragement that Paul is saying, take it up with great courage. Know that God as your Father has not sent you out as a father, ill-equipped or unarmed. Just think of what God has given you. Firstly, God has equipped you with His Word. I can't imagine having to teach my children and then I've got to make up the curriculum of life. Right? That is not our condition. God has revealed to us His Word. And you have everything that you need for a life of godliness, both for father and for child. Secondly, fathers, He has equipped you with His Spirit. Remember, this section is right after the command, Be filled with the Spirit. So ask for the Spirit to lead you, to guide you, to give you wisdom, to give you perseverance, to be able to do the work that God has given you to do. And lastly, maybe best of all, God has given you His great and very precious promises. God is on your side more than you even know. God's Word is so full of promises to the next generation, one struggles to even list them all, that we get to see it every single baptism of a covenant child, that God's promise is not only for you, but for what? For your children. And so arm yourself with those promises and beware of flipping the order. God's promises do not depend on you. You depend on God's promises. You lean on God's promises. They're given to you and for you. And so parents, and more specifically fathers, do not labor in discouragement. You have every reason to be encouraged to do the work of bringing up the next generation in the nurture and the admonition of the Lord. And so as we close, let us consider three great uses of this teaching from Ephesians. Firstly, humility over hypocrisy...humility over hypocrisy. For all their faults, for all their immaturity, children are very good at detecting hypocrisy. They have little hypocrisy radars implanted in them. They can tell when we are being hypocritical. And if we persist in that, all we are doing is making disciples of hypocrisy. And so the best way for children to see what it is to love the standard is for us to model it ourselves, to set before them in our very walk how great it is to be under the Lordship of Christ, that our authority really is under His authority, and to be under the Lordship of Christ is the best and sweetest and most awesome place of all, to live it out before them. And so often said, as much as it is taught, godliness is taught. Secondly, faith, not fear...faith, not fear. And that every movement a parent makes towards a child is to be done in faith, not fear. Parents are bombarded with all kinds of fears when it comes to parenting, right, these endless streams of what-ifs and doubts and phobias and discouragements when it comes to child-rearing. But the way of faith says God Himself will bless my efforts. He will bless my efforts of discipline and training, that my job is simply to faithfully water and God Himself will provide the increase. And that can only be done in faith. Ask any seasoned parent and they will tell you there are days, weeks, months, sometimes years of plowing before you see any fruit at all. Grace in parenting is by faith, not by works. And lastly, grace, not guilt...grace, not guilt. It's very tempting to hear a sermon like this, read a passage like this and react in guilt. You might immediately see, oh, these are all the ways I've failed to nurture my children. And then you respond with clawing your way out of a pit of guilt, doubling down on your efforts, with your guilt cracking the whip as you go. And of course, that tends to work for all three and a half weeks before you give up. But remember what Paul has told us, don't forget everything you've learned in Ephesians. What has Paul said? By grace you have been saved. You were once dead, now you're alive. There are good works already laid out for you. And how are you going to do those good works as a parent, as a child, as a father? By no other way than by grace. It is grace and grace alone that enables father and mother and child and Christian to be the person that God has called us to be. Any other way is the way of death. Let us pray. Our gracious God and heavenly Father, we praise You indeed that You have not sent us out unarmed, but still equipped, that You have given us Your precious Word, that You have given us Your Holy Spirit, that You have even given us Your great and Your very precious promises. And why are You doing all this? We know that You are seeking the next generation to hope in You, that all of it will redound to Your glory. And so we do pray that we would walk in faith, not in sight, that we would be full of the Spirit, that we would walk by grace and not by the strength of our own efforts, that we would above all look to Jesus Christ, that in our failures we know that He is atoned for us, that in the steps forward He is right there in front of us and even next to us, and that You would give us the perseverance, Lord, in doing all of it unto Your glory and for Your name's sake we pray, amen.