Loan

The speaker discusses his wife, whom he still loves despite their separation and impending divorce. He describes her as beautiful and capable, but also acknowledges that they both have flaws and learned behaviors from their pasts. He hopes that his wife will do the necessary work to become a better person and find happiness. Despite the challenges they faced in their relationship, he sees their experience as a blessing and hopes his wife can eventually see it that way too. He concludes by expressing his enduring love for her. I wanted to just talk a little bit about my wife, and how I kind of see her, if you like. How I understand her, sort of nine months into our separation, and heading towards our divorce. You know, I fell in love with her, and she is, I still really haven't changed my feelings in any way. I think she's just an absolutely beautiful, loving, authentic, gorgeous girl. She's just got so many qualities. She's just beautiful, and she's capable of so much. But it's like what I've been learning about how we are, and we're all two things. We're this authentic, beautiful self, which is what she is, and what I fell in love with. Then we have this ego, we have these things about us that aren't us, but they come through in our behaviour. I've talked about myself, and I had this ego, and I had issues with expressing anger, and control, and things that I've been working on, and have sort of learned from over the last nine months. Lawns. Mother committed suicide when she was a young girl. And you know, other things happen. That was the defining event of her childhood, and probably her life. And there were other things to do with the way they were raised, and they were raised in a climate of love, and they're just beautiful. All of the three of them are beautiful. But you know, things, that changed Lawn, and I think she has these learned behaviours and these coping mechanisms that came about through that event, and possibly through other events that she's brought into adulthood, and they're holding her back to her ego in the same way that my ego caused so much personal destruction. She learned to run away. She was abandoned in the ultimate way, and she learned to run away from conflict. But that doesn't in any way influence my feelings, and my admiration, and respect, and love for her, because that is not her. That is not who she is. And I hope that she does the work to explore some of these things. It's not just that there's other stuff there. We're all very complex. But I hope that she learns and explores things to become a better person, so that she has a chance to be happy and give and receive love in the way I know she can. So I love her dearly. I bear no grudge. I observe clearly that there was other things going on with her, and they contributed. They were by no means the sole cause, because I brought a lot into this as well, but they contributed to where we ended up. But as I mentioned in a previous chat about how I look at the whole experience with Lauren right through to divorce as an enormous blessing, I hope that Lauren can get to that point as well, because we did get to experience love. We got to taste the best there is. We both got to experience suffering. And the final step in that process is to learn and grow, and evolve, and then pick ourselves up and start again. So I truly hope that Lauren can do that. I will always love her.