liveshow_2024_02_07_1959

Live and in color. It is now eight o'clock. Yes. Oh my god. It's been discovery unveiling connections the podcast Redefining what you thought you knew about intimacy, right? Here we go, baby. Here we go. Boom. Watch this. Check it out. Check it out Revealing connections. Redefining what you thought you knew about intimacy, right? It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. 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It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. It is now eight o'clock. And I wanted to get your perspective, if you want to tell us a little bit about yourself, I know this is your first time on the show. You want to give us a little bit of background of, you know, what you do and what what your experiences have been in relationships that that will lend you the ability to just engage in this conversation. OK, well, just a little bit about me, Champ and listeners. My name is James Campbell. I'm 43 years old. I've been married to my wife for about six years now. And I work for the city of Charlotte and I'm not afraid to say this is my third marriage and I've learned different aspects from those relationships of things that I've done wrong, things that I can approve upon as a man. And also, one thing I think that's very significant that we as men get wrong is that we are used to looking at just satisfying satisfying just ourself, not looking to satisfy that other person. And I think that's where a lot of us get intimacy wrong as well as men. OK, all right. OK, so you so you you're saying that we that what you've seen and what you've what you were taught, right, is that you should just be focused on pleasing yourself and not pleasing the other woman. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, definitely. And that's what happened in my past relationships, I believe. OK, I'm here. You believe. Oh, yeah, that I believe that. And also us as men, we have to also learn to be vulnerable as well. OK, OK. What do you know about that vulnerability? Well, I mean, if you know, just like I know, I mean, I am an African-American male just like you. And a lot of things that we've been taught as men is that, you know, we've got to be strong. We've got to be the provider. Got to be the head. You can't show really no weakness. You have to. Yeah, that's the persona that we have to have. And many times we have that hard exterior shell, but internally we, you know, deal with our own issues as well. Right. And we don't let out. Mm hmm. Right. Which can also be disruptive to a relationship. OK. And you're absolutely right. And so do you now that you have revealed that we as black men, the way that we're taught to be strong, to not show weakness, to to be the head, to be the provider, to be the protector, that we don't get it wrong. It's just that we are conditioned wrong. Definitely. We are ill prepared. We're not we're not taught how to be effective and vulnerable in relationships because that's how like that. That's what that's what's been passed on. Right. Exactly. I mean, think about it from this angle. You know, a woman, majority of all the women that I know are natural nurturers. Think about it. You know, women have that natural, that, that, how can I say it? Well, I just said it, nurturers. Well, they're brought up where, you know, they are more able to show their emotions and where they're able to, and it's not looked upon in a negative way. And that's the thing that some of us, I would say even the majority of us as men, especially black men, we don't tap into that side because we're scared of what we're going to look like, what we're going to look like. Exactly. And you're absolutely right. And so then, so when we get to a relationship that requires that, that emotional agility, right? Like you're in a war, you got to be agile. If you're in a boxing ring, you got to be agile. You got to go left to right. You got to be able to make those connections. You got to be able to move and adjust in the environment. Right? That's right. And you're, and you're required to have emotional agility, right? In the relationship. Exactly. Trane, you haven't even been doing jump rope, right? You've been, huh? You've been hitting a heavy bag of nothing. A heavy bag of nothing, the roll of nothing. And so when you get in the ring of a relationship, and it's time to pull out the emotional connections, and you trying to connect with your partner, you know, bam, you trying to connect. And we just went on the boxing, but you can't connect. That's right. I mean, I can give you a little bit more in regards to my background, you know, so my background is a little bit kind of different. So growing up, I'm from Ohio originally. And so I grew up at the first part of my life with my father. And then he ended up getting remarried. And, you know, that was a relationship that he had with foster two brothers in that relationship. But I never saw the, how can I say it, the attention that he gave to my stepmother. Then, of course, that was, ended up getting divorced from her. And so then the second part of my life, I moved down south in North Carolina where I finished growing up with my mother. And my mother also remarried. And so I saw that my stepdad was a good man, but I noticed that one of his main suggestions was always providing. So it was like, okay, he showed me the ropes in regards to providing, but you never did see that intimate connections, if that makes any sense. Like, you know what, hey, let me have those, you know, let my mom come on to a dozen roses or whatever the case may be, you know, showing that time because, you know, things that we want, we're going to put that time and effort in, especially as men. Right. So I didn't really see that. And so the thing, when I look back at my marriage, when I was, when I was married, the thing that I didn't have, that I wasn't equipped with emotionally, right, is the ability to turn on that excitement, right? Like, hey, baby, hey, how you doing? Or, hey, you know, to your daughters, being excited to see them coming in, like you were saying, you know, you never really saw, if he brought flowers home, it wasn't like he was like, like happy to bring home flowers, right? That's right. Oh, my gosh. And so, oh, my gosh. Yup. Yup. And it's like it's punishment. Exactly. Bring home flowers. And this is a moment, right, when, when you can create excitement and not realizing that you could turn it on, that you could have turned that thing on, right? Exactly. And so now I'm going to give you, I'm going to give you a definition that helped me when it came, when it comes to intimacy, right? And let me ask you before we go further, are you familiar with Maslow's hierarchy of needs? Yes, I did that some years and years ago when I was getting my B.S. OK, and that's a Bachelor's in Science, right? Yes, sir. So check it out, right? So Maslow, so as we are being told that we are providers and protectors, right? Exactly. That's the only two bottom layers of the relationship of who you are. Exactly. Exactly. And so we never get introduced to the feeling of loving and belonging, the esteem need or the self-actualization need because we don't have a, black men are not provided a safe space to be vulnerable. Exactly. And then when we get into these relationships, our women are, we're not taught to give them a safe space. Where they get, you know, because if they are saying something or they're making a comment about something, they can easily be classified as aggressive, as an angry black woman or someone who complains all the time, right? Exactly. And so you never really provide that safe space for her. I know I didn't. I always go to me because, again, most men aren't, you know, aren't willing to be honest in this particular area because it's like whatever. And so I didn't provide a safe space because I didn't know I was required to provide a safe space or what a safe space looked like because I've never had it and I never demanded it for myself. Exactly. So now in order for us, in order for our relationship to experience a level of loving and belonging, we have to fulfill this safety need. Right. And because we have this safety need fulfilled, which is why it's easy to get a divorce because you don't have a sense of loving and belonging. Exactly. Does that make sense? That makes a whole lot of sense. I mean, I can even say in my previous marriages that, you know, yes, there was, you know, infidelity, you know, on both sides, if that makes any sense. You know what I'm saying? And what I would say in regards to that is because neither one of us made it safe for the other person, if that makes sense. Absolutely. And I can sit back and analyze those now. Right. And so the reason why that other person was able to provide that safe space, why infidelity was able to exist, is because those individuals were not involved in the day-to-day interactions and in the accomplishment of fulfilling the basic needs, food, water, shelter, and more. And so because they didn't have any interactions, there was no financial connection with them. When they came, because that physiological need was already being fulfilled at home, right? So their next need was the need to feel safe. And so because that person fulfilled that safety need, that allowed them to feel a sense of loving and belonging, which is why they kept going back, right? Exactly. And I actually saw that firsthand, right? Like I said, for me, you know, seeing a guy going in and out of my house, and I'm like, oh my gosh, right? And then we would have a conversation about it because I was like, man, it hurts. The thing that transformed me was that everything that was in the house that I was passionate about, he was doing absolutely nothing. None of it. Painting of the room, vacuuming, the laundry, the grass, all that stuff, right? And he did none of it. And I'm like, oh my gosh, here I am, I'm focused on being a provider, and she don't even care about that stuff. Mm-hmm. Right? Exactly. And so that was a transformative part for me. But let's go to this definition, because I always like giving a definition. And I always like reading it, right? That we have to get it correct each time, right? And so for those listening, and those who are watching this on Facebook and stuff, we say the intimacy is defined as a level of commitment and positive, effective, cognitive, and physical closeness that one experiences with a partner in a reciprocal relationship. I'll say it again. Intimacy is defined as the level of commitment and positive, effective, cognitive, and physical closeness that one experiences with a partner in a reciprocal relationship. Now, there are four variations to intimacy. There is cognitive intimacy, which is what you and I are doing, just exchanging thoughts. Then there is emotional intimacy, which is exchanging feelings with another person, which is deeply rooted in the value of self-disclosure. Then there is sexual intimacy, which is being attracted to another person and choosing to share one's body in the forms of physical contact, affection, and sexual activities. And then there is spiritual intimacy, which is sharing thoughts and feelings regarding religion and morality. But again, the foundation of intimacy is that it's a commitment. There's a level of commitment, and there are different levels, right? And the lowest level that I believe is the cognitive intimacy, just exchanging thoughts. That's the origin of it. And in order for that to happen, you've got to be vulnerable. You've got to have a safe space. And that's where we have to have those challenges. So what do you think now of intimacy being a level of commitment? Oh, that's that's something that's great. I mean, because when you decide to be with someone in any of those capacities, either on a spiritual, sexual, just exchanging thoughts. It's and I know I just forgot one, but it's it's a great thing because you have to be committed to that person. You have and the commitment is with commitment is to reciprocity. Exactly right. The commitment is to reciprocity, equal reciprocity. Right. And when you exchange that is that the person have it is positive, effective, cognitive and physical closeness that they experience. So you have you have to walk away with a positive experience when you and I interact. And she has to walk away with a positive experience each time you all interact. Exactly. Otherwise, you're not in an intimate relationship. Makes makes much sense. Right. So how does that what does that look like now that we provide that you have this definition? Oh, it gives me even more things to even aim for in my relationship with my wife. Because I'll be honest with you, you know, for the first couple of years, it was really tough because, again, as Satan, as a as a man, I wasn't much of a communicator. All right. Same with me. So it was like we connecting on the sexual level. We're connecting on, you know, the spiritual level. Right. You're not connecting on the other two. Right. And so and so and what happened, what was happening, I know, and I'll go for me, too, was that there were unfulfilled sexual experiences for both of us. Because there was no connection. Right. Exactly. And right now you say you were married six years, right? Six years on July 1st. Yes, sir. July 1st. And so what we what I did was that I because we had we lacked the understanding of intimacy. I did the math and I said that. So as a result, you probably have missed at least two intimate moments or two unfulfilled sexual experiences a month. With your wife or with or with her or with you, you all missed two intimate moments a month. And so right now you had one hundred and twenty times. And your your wife have have gone. One of you all have gone unfulfilled at least one hundred and twenty times. All right. And so now the the the the the challenge that we have now is do we take it serious enough that we don't get to 137? That we don't get to 290, right, because at 10 years it's 240. Right. At 10 years, you're at 240, right? 15 is 360. 20 years where I was at 480, right? And that's just in the sexual experience. You know, that's a low number, right? The sexual experience, you know, that's a low number, right? At some point, you actually begin to have a sexless marriage where you're having sex less than once a month. Right? Right. I'll tell you this here, right? There was a study on, what was it? It was, where's the study? Here's the study right here that there were. Let me see. Come on, talk to me, baby girl. Where are we? Right here. Here we go. There was a study of a hundred of, what was it? Sixteen hundred? Sixteen thousand men that were. Let me see here. Hold on. Let me see if I can pull it up. Lord, come on. Father, help me. Okay. Anyway, there was a study of 16,000 individuals, married couples, and they found out that quadrupling sex in the marriage from once a month to once a week increased happiness in the marriage, in the relationship as much as having about $50,000 in the bank. Did you hear that? Oh, yeah. I heard that. So having more sex or having fulfilling sexual experiences can increase your financial relationship, the financial status in your house. That's amazing. People were able to save up to $50,000 just by increasing their sexual activities or their sexual fulfillment. Watch this. We'll be jealous. Wow. Right? Right. So tell me, so how does that now, how do you see this being implemented? How do you? Yeah, go ahead. So I was just listening to everything that you stated, and I can even tell that my understanding of intimacy has changed even with just small things. For example, I rub my wife's feet from a heart. You know what I'm saying? I rub her feet or I rub her back, you know, just to make her feel like. Give her that sense of security that she's loved and that she's needed. And that helps out a lot. You know, of course, you know, then that can transition to us being intimate, physical, which is a great thing. And then you've got to realize the hormones that's released during that as well. Absolutely. That's released. And you're feeling, you know, you know, when it's good, you're feeling like on cloud nine. So like you can just take on anything. You can take anything. You can take anything off. You know, certain things that you may thought that you may have bickered about don't even matter no more. And then. Let me say this real quick, right? There are 14 arousal zones on a woman. Mm hmm. 14 arousal zones and one of the arousal zones is her feet. Mm hmm. So like I say, if you got more sensual with rubbing her feet, right? Mm hmm. Would actually help her to get more aroused. Exactly. Exactly. I know for me that I think it's safe for me. I'm about to step to disclosure. I didn't know that. I didn't know that rubbing my wife's feet, right, was an arousal zone and that that could have increased. I didn't know. I know she enjoyed it. She liked it whenever I would do it with the intent on doing a good job. Right. But I didn't turn on pleasure. Right. I didn't turn on excitement to rub. Right. Mm hmm. Like, you know, Camille, you know what you've been doing? Let me rub your feet for you right now. Camille. Mm hmm. That type of confidence was not there. Oh, yeah. Wow. And those are things that we as men, you know, we we got to talk those things out as well, because I used to be one of those who in the bedroom wouldn't tell you what I like or what I didn't like. You know what I'm saying? Right. We have to be more comfortable and secure with ourselves as well to express what you like and what you don't like. So getting back to that communication, that communication part of intimacy. But I'm going to ask you this question, right? Who told you it was OK to do that? Who told you it was OK to do what? To tell her what you like and what you don't like. Who told you it was OK for you to be googly or bubbly, right? With your nose wide open. Right. Who told you that it was OK to have your nose wide open and walk around with your nose wide open? Oh, man, I don't know. Those kinds of comments my grandma used to make back in the day. But, you know, you know, nobody told you it was doing exploring, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, they kind of had it with my wife. I had to kind of explore, you know. But then I know my wife is a heavy communication communicator. That's one of her love languages. So when I knew when I started tapping into her love language of communicating, it opened up a whole new realm of things that I never even knew. So I had to get to know what her love language was. So I don't know if that answers the question, but I had to. I had to. It's kind of like rediscovering her. OK, so a love language is there are five love languages, right? Right. You know, five of them. Say it again. Do you know all five love languages? I'm going to be honest with you. I have not looked at that book in life forever, but I never was. But I knew I knew a little bit of it. I could not think of it off the top of the head every day. I got the book right here, right? The five love languages are here, right? And so the five love languages are words of affirmation. That's OK. Yeah. Right. Physical touch. Gifts. Quality time. And acts of service. Yes. So we got them again, right? Words of affirmation. Right. Quality time. Acts of service. Receiving gifts. And physical touch. Right. Those are the five love languages. And so what happens is when it's their primary love language. Right. Let's say. I know my ex-wife's love language was quality time. Right. Sounds familiar. And so the thing is that when you. When you deposit quality time, it is a big deposit. Right. And when you withdraw from that, when there is no quality time, there's a huge withdrawal. Right. Oh, yeah. So when you're depositing acts of service. Right. And you only get like one point for those. Right. But no quality time is a five point withdrawal. Right. So you see how easy you can go into the negative real quick. Thinking that you just you doing stuff around the house and her love language is quality time and gifts. Right. Right. You following me? Oh, yeah. I'm following you. And so it makes it makes it challenging for us to to get back on track. Because we're in the negative. And so and that's why we got to we have to have these conversations. And so one of the things that I was I was doing in my study. Do you have anything else you want to share before I move forward? Oh, no. You go right ahead, brother. That was just because I had this I was doing this study. Right. And I asked, what are the top 10? Let me see the top 10 frustrations, fears and desires that men have with women. No, no, no, no, no. Let's do this one. Let's do this one. I did two of them. Top 10 frustration, fears and desires that women may experience with men and emotional connection. OK. Right. And so we don't we don't go through a couple of them right now. We don't start from number 10. OK. Right. And so the frustration number 10 was the incompatibility in long term goals. Oh, yeah. Huh? Oh, yeah. That's a big one for women. It's a big one. Yeah. And then the other one was the fear. So the frustration was incompatibility in long term goals. And then we have the fears is that there will be diverging paths and incompatibility in the future. Right. And so she has this frustration that she's frustrated with you because it appears as though our long term goals are incompatible. Yeah. Right. However, their desire is to have alignment in long term goals and aspirations. That's what their desire is. And so how do you create an environment? And this is a question for you where if your wife has this fear or this frustration that you all have incompatible long term goals. One of the things you have to do is I know one thing that me and my wife used to do and we haven't did it in like two years, but we used to do like a vision board. Mm hmm. Do a vision board and, you know, a vision of what some of your individual goals are. Yeah. Those that you want for the family. Right. Some goals that we want to achieve together as well. Right. You have your individual, your family goals and then, of course, whatever goals that she may have as well. And what you have to do is and it's hard. And again, I'm not the biggest communicator. I tell that to people all the time and I'm not the best communicator as well. But, you know. So if someone comes out to you with a gun, right. And he's about to shoot you. How do you communicate? How do you talk him out of putting down the gun? Yeah, that's a that's a great question right there. So he's about to shoot you. You've got to shoot your whole family. And if you move, right. Oh, yes. Oh, it's over. Right. So how do you now talk him out of without out of shooting you and your family? And that's a great question, man. That is a great question. You just say I'm not a good communicator and just just pop us off. No, I can't do that. So what do you do? I mean, if I got to if I got to have my life gone for my sake of my family, that's what I'm going to do. You know what I'm saying? Do you tell him that I'm a bad communicator? Oh, no, you don't tell him that. No, you don't tell him that. So you got to stop telling yourself or telling the business you are bad in communicating. And you know what? That's that's a great. That's great. That is absolutely great. Have to say that I'm not a bad communicator. That's good. Because I'm sitting in that seat already. Right. So when you say that, you might as well not even talk. Right. Right. Yeah. And so we were talking about this thing here. And again, man, I appreciate you coming on the show. No problem. Honorable man, this is great. Need more talks like this. Huh? Need more talks like this. We absolutely definitely need more talks like that. And therefore, you like I say, you got guys who want to come on the show. You bring them on and we can we can chop it up. That's right. Right. And so you were so we were talking about this incompatibility with these. So here we are. Right. You were talking about you and your wife doing a vision board. Right. Yes. Vision board. Right. So she has her vision board. Right. Mm hmm. You have your vision board. Mm hmm. Right. And she's frustrated. That your vision board does not look like hers. It doesn't it's not compatible with hers. Oh, yeah. She have a son on hers. But you got a. I don't know. You don't even have you have a son star or moon on your board. Yeah. So it's like it's incompatible. Right. You you are on Earth. You get planet Earth and you get moon you on the moon and you get stars. Right. Exactly. Exactly. And at some point, you know, she's thinking down the road that your future is going to be incompatible. So how do you bridge that gap? How do you how do you now provide this safety where she's now understanding that? That you all you this incompatibility, this fear that she's having, how do you ease that? That's a good question. I mean, that's a great question. And as men, you know, we always trying to fix stuff, you know. Right. And that's one of the things that we constantly try to do. Always trying to fix. So, I mean, that is a tough question to answer. I'm not going to sit here and lie to you. I will have to, you know, console her. And. Listen to. Why her vision board. Is showing the sun. While mine appears showing the moon and we have to have dialogue about it. And we have to see. Especially in a marriage is all about the compromise. It has to be some type of media. It has to be a medium that we are willing to meet. Right. That somebody loses something. Said it again. When there's a compromise, each individual lose something. Exactly. Right. But however, when there is a collaboration. Both parties win. That is so true. So how do we now shift from. Again, and this is why it becomes difficult to provide a safe space for your partner when you have compromised. On something that was important to you. And you've taken six L's this week. Right. Right. Happy wife, happy life. Happy wife, happy life. You like. That's the mantra. And the thing is that some wives. Right. Don't care that you took six L's. Oh, yeah. Right. Because it's happy wife, happy life. And you like. Oh, amen. So, but again, going back to this. We're switching from a compromise to a collaborative approach in your relationship. How do you set the foundation for that? Oh, man. And. And it's kind of interesting that you know, you asked me this question and I'm not going to I'm not going to say I don't know. Right. But I don't know. But it's. It's OK. It's OK. Go ahead. No. Yeah. It's like you don't want to say you don't know. But at the same time, again, it kind of goes back to the root of the root in which I've talked about earlier. And again, a root in which we were trained. And you just hit it right there. Happy. Happy life. Happy. Happy wife. Happy life. And we've been so conditioned like that. Where. Where are we? We're not used to collaborating. I want you to make it personal. Like I have been. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I can make it personal. I have been so conditioned like that from a lot of the male role models that I saw. Uncles, stepfather, father, that. It was taken where I can see how sometimes when I see something, when a woman or man may say they kind of lost their self. Does that make any sense? Right. How they lost themselves in the relationship. Right. Because they were too busy. We were too busy compromising instead of collaborating. Right. You know. So, yeah, I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not afraid to say that, hey, that was a mantra that I was used to. But I'm not. I'm that type of guy who's willing to learn. Right. To be better. So that way we can connect even more. Right. Right. So now what has to happen right now, which is probably going to transform your marriage to a whole nother level. Is that you got to be vulnerable. Yeah. And like, hey, baby, listen, listen up. When it comes to loving you, I haven't been taught. I need to learn about you. I want to learn how to love you. I want to learn because I've been getting it wrong. And I don't want to get it wrong anymore. I went over the numbers today and I got at least 120 wrong. I missed it about 120 times. Right. And I missed out on experiencing your unique intimate expression. 120. And so when you come to the, you know, this is like, you know, selling drugs on the streets. He gave you 120 bags, right? You know, he gave you 800, right? He gave you 800. You short 120. Exactly. How did that conversation go? That conversation don't go too well. That conversation ain't going well at all. I said, you already know how that conversation's going. But at the same time, in a relationship, in intimacy, you have to be the same way. You gotta be the same way. Who told her this stuff? Nobody. You didn't get this in school? Nope. You didn't get this on campus? Nope. You didn't get this in school? Nope. You didn't get this on, do you ever see this happening on black family relationships on television? You don't. And that's why the dynamic, it has to be a shift in the dynamic. And as you just mentioned, a shift in the way we think. Mm-hmm. Absolutely. But who starts the conversation? As you just stated, you have to be able to be vulnerable with your man. And that's a hard thing to do as a black man, to be vulnerable, especially how we were brought up and how we've been conditioned. But you know what? You know what? Being vulnerable is only required today. It's only, it's required in the now. Right? Vulnerability is only required in the now. Mm-hmm. Right? So when you're looking at down the road, 10 years, when you're looking at being vulnerable tomorrow, can you be vulnerable right now while we're here together? That's right. So and that's when we gotta, we just gotta focus on the next moment, right? Focus on this moment right now. Yeah. What you do in your off time, right? Mm-hmm. Determine how successful you're gonna be in the next moment that you become, you're in an intimate engagement with her, right? So if you haven't gone to therapy, right? If you haven't, or you have unresolved trauma, right? You're gonna run into some problems. Exactly. Right? And how do you, again, how do you, how do you, how do you, how do you right the ship? Come on, James, talk to me. You gotta give me some answers, man. How do you, how do you, how do you right the ship, man? I mean, the easiest answer, as I stated, you have to, when that, when those moments come, but they come all the time. I mean, you just did the best. Right? You have to take advantage of those moments. You can't continue to let those moments pass by. No, I, I cannot continue to let those moments pass by. I have to seize those opportunities. You gotta seize them. You gotta seize them. And we already, and we already know that that is a desire, right? She has a desire, but she can't tell you, right? Exactly. Because there's no safe space where somebody's gonna be judged, right? Exactly. Well, you want, you want, you want alignment, why can't you just submit? You know, the Bible says a woman should submit to her husband. Right. Right? Like, come on, man. Come on, what, what have you wronged? What have you all the way wronged, right? Exactly. You want me to submit? I'm looking at that thing right now. So, so, but yeah, and that's, and that's it right there, right? So, so yeah, so we, we gotta, we gotta, we gotta start practicing vulnerability, right? And I got, I got this thing here, right? Okay. Which is a feelings chart, right? A feelings word chart that I use to properly assign my traumatic experiences so that when I'm interacting with somebody and I sense a feeling that they're having that I can now connect, right? And, and so I want to encourage you to get a feelings wheel. Okay. And, and expand your emotional vocabulary. That is a good point, and I definitely will, definitely will. And so, because there's gonna be, there's gonna come a time in which she is going to come to you with something, right? And now that you know what that feeling feels like, you're able to pick up on it. Exactly. Right? And so, and I talk about this in one of my episodes about the feelings wheel. And so in the feelings wheel, I always show it to individuals, the feelings wheel. And so in the feelings wheel, they have primary, secondary, and tertiary feelings. Mm-hmm. Right? So let's say, for example, in the primary we have sad, mad, scared, joyful, powerful, and peaceful. Mm-hmm. Right? And of all of these feelings right now, which one were you not allowed to experience? Give me those one more time. Okay. Sad, mad, scared, joyful, powerful, and peaceful. Which one you did not want us to give permission to? Which one you were not able, you were not given permission to feel? You couldn't show this, this feeling? Oh, because I'm scared. Because you're scared. And what about sad? Say it again? Think about sad? Yeah. That's one of them that you couldn't share either. Right. So because you couldn't share those, right, there are, let me see, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve. There are twelve feelings behind being sad. Wow. That you never accessed. That's amazing. Right? And then there are twelve feelings behind scared that you never experienced because you didn't even plant the scared seed. And so there are branches that didn't even come off of it, that you never saw fleas on that branch. Wow. Right? And because you put all of this stuff in the mag, you just put it in the folder and it just popped out as mad, right? Mm-hmm. So then you have twenty-four experiences, right, that have to be slotted in this, no, you can't show that you're mad, you gotta just be happy. Or you gotta be, you know, powerful, you gotta be strong, right? You gotta put it in a strong folder, in a powerful folder, you gotta put it in a strong, in a powerful folder, right? You gotta be joyful, right? So you got all of these, you got twenty-four things misassigned, right? Right. That didn't even get properly assigned. So now you're walking around with twenty-four misassigned feelings, right? Which is why you get so mad, right? Why you getting popped off at any moment? Because who gives you time to properly assign these feelings? You're right. So when do you start assigning them? That's a good question, because you want to make sure that you're in a safe place where you can release those emotions as well. Because these are twenty-four emotions for a black man. Say that again? Oh, barbershop. When you're in the barbershop, you know, you're released so much. You're released so much, but you don't, do you ever talk about your feelings in the barbershop? I'm not going to say so much of the feelings. We talk more about situations. We talk about, so it's all surface stuff in the barbershop. Exactly. So it's all surface stuff in the barbershop. Exactly. So you're talking about the situation. Right. You never really go deep and nobody ever says it's me. Exactly. So we kind of mask it. Right. So the barbershop isn't even safe. Yeah. Yeah, you're right about that. It's not even safe. So it's like, where can I go to get these feelings out? Where can I get these feelings out or these different emotions of sad or different emotions of being scared? Because now I'm at 24, as you just stated, where am I going to be able to feel like I'm safe to release these at? Right. Because you don't want your spouse or your mate to look at you in a different way. But that's the fallacy because you've got to be vulnerable with her. Exactly. Otherwise you're not human and she can't come to you with any of these situations because you can't connect. Exactly. Come on, man. You can't connect. You can't connect on any of them. Exactly. So who does she go to? Exactly. We have to make it. We have to show that vulnerability that we can go to them while pushing that process aside. And there can't be any judgment. Exactly. Like they say at Planet Fit, no judgment zone. This ain't no plug, though. Right, right, right. Well, you unplugged it already. Right. No, but that's it, though. That's it, man. And so, yeah, so that's what we got to be able to do, man. We got to know that vulnerability is the birthplace for intimacy. Right. And you got to deal with those unresolved traumas. Exactly. And you know, it's so interesting because you would never thought in a million years that intimacy and trauma can play hand to hand. You would never thought that. Right. Right. So we have, we have, I have ten ways in which men can improve in emotional vulnerability. Right. Emotional intimacy. Right. We're going to go over these things here, right. Number one. Now we're going to go to number ten. Go now to number ten. Okay. Number ten. Conflict resolution. This is a way that you can actually improve your emotional intimacy. Right. Your experiences and emotions. Right. So number ten. Conflict resolution. Handle disagreements with respect and understanding. Learning to resolve conflicts in a healthy way prevents the buildup of resentment and fosters a strong emotional bond. Number nine. Wow. Shared goals and dreams. Right. Discuss your future together. Having shared goals and dreams can align your past and strengthen your emotional connection. So remember when we talked about the fear of the, your long term goals are not aligned, they're not incompatible. Right. Here's the solution. We got to have shared dreams and goals. Right. Now here's number eight. Number eight. Consistent support. Yes. Being supportive during challenging times offers comfort and understanding showing that you are, watch this, a reliable partner. Oh yeah. That's big. Right. Right. So here we go right here. Here we go. Number seven. Physical affection. Physical touch like holding hands, hugging or cuddling can enhance emotional intimacy. It's a nonverbal way to convey love and closeness. Number six. Appreciation and gratitude. Regularly express appreciation and gratitude for your partner. Acknowledge the things that, the things they do, the qualities you admire in them. Right. I'll say this again. Appreciation and gratitude. Regularly express appreciation and gratitude for your partner. Acknowledge the things they do and the qualities you admire in them. Number five. Vulnerability. Allow yourself to be vulnerable with your partner. Sharing your fears, right, insecurities and dreams can deepen the emotional connection. Quality time. Spending uninterrupted time together. Engaging in activities you both enjoy. Right. This shared time can strengthen your bond. Number three. Empathy. Try to understand your partner's perspective and feelings. Remember that's why the feelings wheel is important. Right. Right. So you can understand that feeling. But if you don't know what, that inadequate is a feeling. Apathy is a feeling. Miserable is a feeling. Crushed is a feeling. Insignificant. Discouraged. Fascinated. Stimulated. Amused. Extravagant. Delightful. Satisfied. Right. Frustrated. Furious. Everything is skeptical. Watch this. Selfish is a feeling. You ain't mad. You just selfish. You just thinking about yourself. Right. Right. Now here we go. Empathy. Right. Try to understand your partner's perspective and feelings. Right. And then we have number two. Active listening. Pay attention when your partner is speaking. Show genuine interest in their thoughts and feelings. And refrain from interrupting or offering solutions unless asked. And here's number one. Open communication. Regularly share your thoughts and feelings with your partner. Being open and honest about your emotions fosters trust and understanding. Those are our top ten things that we can do to improve our emotional intimacy with our partners. Wow. Wow. And they're not hard things to do. They're not hard things to do. They're not hard things to do. It's just that you gotta right the wheel. You gotta keep turning that wheel on that shift. Yep. On a daily basis. On a daily basis. And here's the other thing. You gotta register. You have to register as a safe space with your partner. Exactly. And those ten things will help. Those ten things will alleviate that. Where they feel secure. Where your partner feels secure enough to come talk to. Right. It's what it's supposed to be. Right. Here we go here. Here are ten. I'm gonna copy this right here. Right. Copy this. Right. Bam. Copy. Right. Copy. Bam. You about to get this big ass text. I'm cool with that. Bam. And then hit send. Boom. Alright. Come on. Hit. Bam. There it is. Boom. You got it. You got it. You got it. You got it. Alright. This is Intimate Discoveries. Do you have anything else you want to share, man? Oh, man. I just want to thank you so much for this conversation. I can't wait to do more conversations like this. It's amazing. We have to really dig deep. Yeah. Absolutely. We have to continue to dig deep. And it's a beautiful thing, man. It is very, very beautiful. And I'm proud of you, man, for giving it another shot. Oh, yes, sir. Third time's a charm. And I'm telling you, again, let me just say this here. A woman has 14 arousal zones. And the vagina is not one of them. Number one was the brain, right? The biggest one is her brain. Right? Then watch this here. She has five erogenous zones. Inside, around, in and around her vagina. So we got 19 active parts that we can engage in. Yeah. Right? Right? Like I said, this is the stuff I've learned, right? Now, listen to this here, right? We're going to get off in a minute. So there are 18 parts of the clitoris. 18 parts. 18 parts to the clitoris. But you can tell me about the sports, right? You can tell me about Jordan's stats. You can tell me about them cowboys, right? You can tell me that they're going to the Super Bowl next year again, right? Right. So, but anyway, moving right along. But that's it, man. This wraps up our show, Champ Franklin, Intimate Discoveries. Let me see. Where did we go right here? Let me see. Where did we go right here? Where we have this last little part right here, right? We go into this thing where we have our audio, our music, right? We come to our music, right? And I stay here, right? Where is this here? Oh, we did it. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. We did it, baby. One of those moments where I have many things handled on today. And we really dove, we dived deep into the deep. In which we know that intimacy is a level of commitment. And this commitment is a process. And really is the birthplace of love. So, as you're going on in your time, experiencing the concealment of the world. Now, intimacy is a commitment. And that commitment will classify you. This is your host, Champ Franklin, and I am out. Remember, the sky is the limit. Who you ask out there in the moment? This is Champ Franklin. All right, man. Later, man. Hey, man. It's a beautiful thing, man. I appreciate everything. Yes, sir. Absolutely. I can't agree more. Yes, sir. That was great.