Private Pod Episode1aRaw

This private podcast series is for stepmoms struggling with self-trust in stepfamilies. Cameron, founder of Step Family Solutions, discusses the importance of rebuilding self-trust. Stepfamily dynamics can erode confidence, causing self-doubt. Insider-outsider dynamic, loyalty binds, and gaslighting contribute to the "stepmom fog." Self-trust means standing by your experiences and observations, even without external validation. Trust your instincts, as they are valuable in navigating stepfamily challenges. If you have ever found yourself second-guessing your instincts in your own home, questioning whether you're overreacting or being too sensitive, or wondering if you're the only one who sees what's really happening in your stepfamily, this private podcast series is for you. In this first episode, we're going to talk about why self-trust is so hard for stepmoms and why rebuilding it may just be the most important thing you do. But before we get started, I'm Cameron. I am the founder of Step Family Solutions and host of the Stepmom Diaries podcast and founder of the Step Family Coach Academy. And this is your private podcast for the stepmom who knows there's more. More to her story, more to her wisdom, and maybe, just maybe, more to what she can offer the world. If you're listening to this, chances are you may have thought about helping other stepmoms before. Maybe it was a fleeting thought when you saw someone struggling in a Facebook group. Maybe it has been a little whisper in the back of your mind, this idea that, you know, your experience, as messy and imperfect as it may be, could actually help someone else. Maybe help them feel less alone, even. But here's what I'm guessing has happened. That little voice of possibility gets drowned out by the voice that says, who am I to help anyone? I can't even figure out my own family half the time. Sister friend, I see you. And I have been exactly where you are. So today we are starting with something that might surprise you. We are not talking about coaching. We are not talking about techniques or business strategies or how to find clients or any of that stuff. We are going back into something way more fundamental. We are going to talk about learning to trust yourself again. Because here's what I know after years of working with stepmoms. The question isn't whether you're qualified to help others. It is not whether you can tackle what you have in your own family, because I already know you have what it takes because you're here. The question is whether you trust what you already know. Right? So let me ask you something. When you first became a stepmom, how long did it take before you started questioning yourself? Before you started wondering if you were really seeing things clearly? Before you started wondering if your feelings were valid, if your instincts were actually right? If you're like most stepmoms, it didn't take you very long. There is something about stepfamily dynamics that can 100% erode your confidence in your own perceptions. And it is not just in your head. There are real reasons why this happens. There are real reasons why you may have, you may know you have really great instincts and then you become a stepmom and join a stepfamily and all of a sudden that flies out the window and you are doubting yourself at every turn. So if you follow me, you know that I take a really research-based approach. And one of the top people that I have worked with, and you've probably heard me talk about her, is Patricia Papernow. She talks about a dynamic called insider-outsider. And you may have also heard me talk about this before. But basically it's this. Your partner and their kids have years of shared history, inside jokes, ways of doing things that you are not part of. You are literally joining your family as someone who is on the outside of an established system, an established family, and you're trying to find your place. And when you notice things or when you have concerns, it's really easy for others to dismiss them because, well, you're new here. You don't understand how they do things. But here's the thing. And you probably already know this. Sometimes being on the outside gives you the clearest view. Sometimes you see things that the insiders can't see because they are just too close to it. I remember early in my step-family journey, I kept noticing things, patterns, in how conflicts played out in our home. And there was just this dynamic where certain behaviors were excused or explained away or normalized, and there was a certain amount of chaos that was just sort of accepted as normal. And I would think, okay, wait, this doesn't seem healthy. Am I wrong here? Like, this doesn't seem like a great way to live. But then when I'd bring it up, I would get responses like, well, that's just how things have been. That's just how they are. And so, of course, slowly I started doubting myself, right? Like, maybe I was being too harsh. Maybe I really didn't understand. Maybe my standards were unrealistic. Maybe my standards were too high. Does that sound familiar? Then let's talk about loyalty binds. This isn't a concept from step-family research that you've probably heard me talk about. And this is when kids feel like caring about you or respecting you somehow betrays their mom. So they push back. They resist. They make it clear that you do not belong here. And when you are on the receiving end of that resistance day after day, it is 100% natural to start wondering if maybe they're right. Maybe you don't belong. Maybe you're the problem. Right? And then you add all that to the fact that most people in your life don't really understand what you're dealing with. They give you advice like, just treat them like your own kids. Or, it'll all work out with time. Have you heard those? Or they tell you not to worry so much because, hey, they're not your kids. How about that one? I heard that one a few times. And guess what? This is not a big surprise. That advice, as well-meaning as it is, doesn't work. And then you start second-guessing yourself and thinking maybe you're doing something wrong. Right? And then there's the gaslighting. Sometimes it's intentional. Sometimes it's not. But when your reality is consistently questioned or dismissed, when you are told that you're too sensitive, that you're being too dramatic, or even that you're imagining problems that aren't there, you start doubting your own perceptions. This all creates what I like to call the stepmom fog because it fogs up. You know, you lose touch with that inner knowing, that gut instinct that's probably served you well in every other aspect of your life. You start looking outside yourself for validation. You start looking for permission to feel what you feel or think what you think. So here's what I want you to know. When you became a stepmom, your instincts did not suddenly become unreliable. Right? Your ability to read situations and understand people, that didn't disappear. You've just been operating in a system that's really good at making you doubt yourself. All right. So let's talk about what self-trust really is because I think that there is some confusion around this. Self-trust is not about being confident all the time. It is not about being the loudest voice in the room or never having doubts. Self-trust is actually much quieter than that. It is the ability to stand in your knowing, even when you don't have external validation, even when others disagree with you, and even when you can't prove you're right. Self-trust is simply saying to yourself, I believe what I've lived. I believe what I've lived. It is honoring your experience, your observations, your gut feelings, not because they're always 100% accurate, but because they're yours and because they matter. I think a lot about one of my clients. Let's call her Sarah. She kept noticing that her stepson was struggling emotionally after visits with his mom. But every time she brought it up, her partner would say, he's fine. Kids are resilient. So, of course, what happens? She starts doubting herself, right? Maybe she was reading too much into it. Maybe she was being overly critical of mom. But her instincts were right. This child was struggling and her observations were valuable. She wasn't being dramatic or overly judgmental. She was being attentive.