Private Pod Episode 1bRaw

The speaker discusses the importance of self-trust in stepfamily life, emphasizing the value of one's observations and feelings. They highlight the development of unique skills in navigating complex relationships and the significance of lived experiences in offering support to others. The message encourages recognizing and honoring personal knowledge, speaking up confidently, and identifying patterns to rebuild self-trust. Self-trust serves as a foundation for effectively supporting others in stepfamilies, whether informally or professionally. The speaker suggests reflecting on personal insights, experiences, and instincts to empower oneself and enhance support for others in similar situations. Companion exercises are provided to aid in self-reflection and growth. The problem wasn't her perception. The problem was that her insight wasn't being valued When Sarah learned to trust what she was seeing again Everything changed not because she became confrontational or demanding, but she stopped minimizing her own observations She started speaking up with more confidence She was able to offer support to her stepson in ways that honored what she was noticing and her partner started seeing it, too Self-trust in stepfamily life Looks like trusting that your feelings are valid even when they're complicated and they are in stepfamily life, right? It looks like honoring your observations, even when others don't necessarily see what you see It looks like setting boundaries based on your own values. Not just keeping the peace, which is easy to do and Here is something beautiful that happens when you can rebuild your self-trust You become a more reliable source of support for others When you trust your own experience, you can hold space for someone else's experience without needing to fix it or change it or minimize it. I Want you to think for a moment about everything you've navigated as a stepmom The complex emotions, the divided loyalties, the conflicting advice, the trial and error of figuring out your role You have had to develop skills that most people never need You have had to learn how to love someone while respecting their connection to another family You've had to figure out how to support your partner while also advocating for yourself And you had to navigate relationships with children who may not have chosen you at least not initially You've learned things about family dynamics, about human psychology, about conflict resolution about patience and resilience that you never would have learned otherwise not from a book and Not from a class but from living it. This is not just surviving. This is developing wisdom hard-earned, tested in real life, wisdom Larry Ganong, who has done a lot of research on stepfamilies His research on stepfamily strengths shows that successful stepfamilies develop unique skills around flexibility, communication, and problem-solving They become experts at navigating complex relationships and managing multiple perspectives That, my friend, is you. That is what you've been developing Even if you haven't recognized it before and even if you don't recognize it now. I think about my own journey When I first learned about the research on the insider-outsider dynamic It was like someone had finally given me language to express what I had been experiencing for so long I realized that all those times that I felt like an outsider, all those moments when I could see things that others couldn't That wasn't a bug. That was a feature. My outsider perspective was actually valuable When I understood loyalty binds, I stopped taking my stepkids' resistance or criticism so personally I realized the pushback wasn't necessarily about me It was their struggle to figure out where their loyalties should lie, and I had a lot more empathy for them When I learned about the myth of, quote, blending and the structural differences between stepfamilies and first families, I stopped trying to force something that was never meant to happen and I started appreciating the unique beauty of what we were actually creating All of this didn't just help me survive my stepfamily. It equipped me to help other stepmoms in ways I never expected So here's something I want you to consider You are probably already helping other stepmoms, whether you realize it or not When you respond to a post in a stepfamily Facebook group with understanding and encouragement, you're helping When you listen to a friend vent about her stepfamily challenges without trying to fix everything for her, you're helping When you share what you've learned through all that trial and error, you're helping Those skills that you're using to navigate stepfamily life, the emotional regulation, the perspective taking, the boundary setting, the ability to see multiple sides of a situation, these are coaching skills You just may not have thought of them that way Peer support and coaching can be way more effective than professional therapy for stepfamilies Because peers understand the unique challenges in a way that outsiders simply can't You understand things that therapists who haven't lived it don't understand You know what it feels like to love someone's kids while feeling like a stranger in your own home You know the particular pain of being excluded from decisions that affect your daily life You know the complexity of wanting to support your partner while also advocating for yourself That lived experience isn't a liability It's your greatest asset and that's not to say that therapy isn't something that works. It does But therapists have to understand the stepfamily dynamic, right? I remember the first time that somebody told me I should think about coaching other stepmoms and my first reaction was Me? I'm still trying to figure this all out for myself. That's crazy. I thought I needed to have everything perfect Before I could help anyone else, but that is not how it works Some of the most powerful support I have ever received Came from women who were still in the thick of it with their own struggles But they had learned something that I needed to learn The woman who taught me about boundaries. She wasn't someone who had perfect boundaries She had learned the hard way what happens when you don't have boundaries The woman who helps me understand loyalty binds Wasn't someone who said kids never struggle. She was someone who had walked through that fire and she came out with wisdom she could share So, how do you start trusting yourself again, how do you rebuild that confidence in your own perception and instinct? First you start paying attention to what you know Not what you think you should know or what others think you should know But what you actually know from your own experience You know what it feels like when the dynamics in your home are off You know what it feels like when someone's struggling even if they can't articulate it You know what it feels like to be dismissed or minimized and you know what it feels like to be seen and valued Trust that knowledge Honor it Don't dismiss it just because others may not see it or understand it Also second you start speaking your truth, even if you feel like your voice is shaky Even when others disagree now, this does not mean being confrontational or demanding It means honoring your perspective as valid even when it's different from others Third you start recognizing the patterns What have you been consistently right about? What instincts have served you well What of your observations have proven accurate over time? So let me give you an example from my own life. I Consistently noticed when one of my stepkids was struggling with something even when they couldn't express it themselves and for a long time I dismissed it as me being overly analytical or projecting my own stuff But over time, I realized that my observations were usually accurate I had developed a sensitivity To some of these emotional undercurrents that was actually really valuable and it came from my experience as a stepdaughter Once I started trusting this ability instead of dismissing it I became so much more effective at offering support and here's why rebuilding self-trust matters so much Okay, it is the foundation for everything else whether you coach anyone or not Whether you join into a formal training program or not Self-trust is what allows you to show up powerfully in your own life and in support of others When you trust your own experience, you can validate someone else's experience without needing to fix it or change it When you trust your own voice, you can speak truth with compassion instead of staying silent to keep the peace When you trust your own instincts, you can offer guidance that comes from wisdom rather than just theory If you ever do decide to step into a more formal helping role, whether that's peer mentoring, support group facilitation or professional coaching This foundation of self-trust is what's going to make you effective Patricia Papernow talks about how important it is for people who support stepfamilies to truly understand the unique dynamics at play And I mentioned earlier when therapists or helpers don't grasp Concepts like insider outsider dynamics or loyalty binds. They give advice that's actually harmful even when they mean really well The lived experience part comes first and trusting that lived experience. That's where it all begins So before we wrap up today, I want to give you some questions to sit with Okay, when you got the link to this private podcast, you also received a workbook to download There are some companion exercises for each episode and I really hope you'll check them out I think that they will help you work through what we're talking about In these episodes, you don't have to get into it right away but I hope you'll dive in as you're getting through the episodes and The first question for you is I want you to think of three things You've learned the hard way that no book could have taught you if you're a step-parent. I know you've got three things Doesn't have to be related to just your step parenting journey, but I know you've got them How do those things show up in the way that you support others? Whether you're supporting fellow stepmoms or even just friends Second, what is one thing that you have realized about step family life that no one else around you seems to get? Even if it's something that you've been afraid to say out loud because you thought maybe you were wrong or you're being too harsh and third What have you been consistently right about even when others doubted you? Where have those instincts served you well, even if others didn't understand or agree? Take some time with these questions. I have found writing things down really helps me process So I encourage you to print out that workbook and sit down and do that Talk about the questions with someone that you trust if you want to But don't just think about them and move on. I want you to really sit with this. Let yourself recognize the wisdom you've developed Insights you've gained and the strength you've built because it is there my friend As we close today, I want you to know That learning to trust yourself again is not a one-time decision. It's not a one-time thing. It's a practice Some days you're gonna feel really solid and other days you're gonna second-guess everything and by the way, that's normal That is human. That's where we are But every time you choose to honor your experience instead of dismissing it Every time you speak your truth instead of staying silent Every time you trust what you've lived instead of what others think you should believe You are rebuilding your foundation of self-trust and that foundation It is not just for you. It's for everyone whose life you touch whether that is your partner your stepkids your friends Maybe someday other stepmoms who need to hear that they're not alone and their experience matters In the next episode we are going to talk a little bit about what coaching actually is and what it isn't and Why everything you think you know about it might just be wrong Because if you're going to consider helping others in any capacity, it is important to understand what real support actually looks like So until then I want you to remember You already have what it takes the question isn't whether you're qualified or ready or perfect The question is whether you're willing to trust what you already know and I have a feeling that you are I will talk to you in the next episode