The Good, The Bad, and The Gossip

The speaker discusses the topic of gossip in this podcast episode. They reflect on their own experience with gossip in high school and how they have changed their perspective on it. They emphasize the importance of surrounding oneself with people who speak well of them and stand up for them. The speaker distinguishes between good gossip, such as compliments and positive comments, and bad gossip, which stems from insecurity and jealousy. They encourage kindness and open communication instead of engaging in harmful gossip. Well, hello there, everyone, and welcome to another episode of Cece's From Cece Podcast. Um, happy motherfucking Monday. Can someone please explain to me why it has literally been winter in New York City again? It's gonna be May in, like, less than two weeks. Why is it freezing cold in my apartment? Why is it freezing cold everywhere? Why is it so windy? Please explain, please. So, today's episode is entitled The Good, The Bad, and The Gossip, and I am so blatantly aware that my Instagram post does say that there's supposed to be a special guest. Um, we got distracted and didn't end up filming, or not filming, recording. If not, you guys can see me. But that's something I'm thinking about. I feel like that'd be fun for you guys to watch the recording. But you know what? Let's just, let's just get into it, because I feel like I have a lot of things I could say about this topic. So, when I was in high school, I feel like I honestly was really on the wave of the gossip wave. I felt like if I wasn't talking shit about somebody, then I wasn't gonna fit into the friend group I was in, or whatever. Like, I thought it was cool to, like, talk badly about other people, or talk behind their backs, and, like, it was a lot of drama. It was a drama-filled era in my life. And I feel like looking at that, and then looking at the way that I am now, it's kind of a crazy comparison. Because I want to surround myself with people that I know are standing up for me in rooms that I'm not in. Because there are gonna be plenty of times that you're not gonna be invited to something, or you're gonna come around the corner, and it's obvious people were talking about you, because, like, they're looking at you. And psychology, and it doesn't lie. It doesn't lie, babe. So, I just, you know, you're gonna find yourself in those situations, and I want to make sure that I'm always surrounding myself with people that are going to, for one, speak well of me in rooms I'm not in, and two, stand up for me in rooms that I'm not in. And if you're not like that, and I do not want you in my life, and you are not the kind of person that I want to be friends with, and if you're listening to this, and you have friends that literally talk behind your back, and don't stick up for you in rooms you're not in, drop them. Literally drop them. Your life, you don't need it. Your life will be so much better. You'll find other people that are actually there for you, like, people who are girls girls, like, who are gonna actually stick up for you, and those people are not necessary. They're really not. I also do have to say, though, that there is a big difference between shit-talking and talking, and what I mean by that is if you're saying something to somebody else, like, in private and public, that you wouldn't say to whoever it's about. If you wouldn't say it to their face, then that's gossip, that's shit-talking, because clearly you're too scared to just say what you have to say. But if you're, like, explaining something, or, like, talking about some situation, and that's, like, the truth of the situation, or if you're just explaining it to someone who, like, doesn't know, and it, you know, is their business, and, like, it's not just a thing that's between you and the other person, and you would say it to the other person's face because it's a very clear, stated, obvious thing, or it's something that, like, you plan on saying to them, that's just talking. But there's a big distinction there, and I feel like it sometimes can be a struggle with oversharing and, you know, deciding when it's okay to, like, speak about something versus when not, and I feel like a lot of people, at least in my age range, really, really struggle with that. We all know how it feels to know you're being talked about, or to walk in on people talking about you, or to hear about something that you supposedly did, like a rumor, and thinking to yourself, damn, I didn't even know I did that. Like, this girl is fucking crazy. What is she going to do next? Like, it's insane, the amount of gossip and things that go on. But I'm here to tell you there can be good and bad sides to this. So let's get into that because that's the title of today's podcast, The Good, The Bad, and The Gossip. So, chances are you might be asking yourself, what the hell, Callie, do you mean by good gossip? So, in my experience, in my life, the things I consider good gossip are as follows. Somebody in a room that you're not in, or wherever else, or over text being like, oh, Callie's outfit was really cool today, or I really loved, like, her hair today, I loved it. I think that is definitely something that's good gossip. Because if I find out someone said that, I'd be like, oh my god, thank you so much, that's so sweet. Or, I mean, for example, you know, like being an emcee, like, oh, like, she sounded really good on her song today, or her acting was really good today. Like, things like that, finding out people say things like that about you feels really good. I also think another form of good gossip is when people are discussing a situation that you know you were involved in, or you were part of, and they make a comment about how you really showed, like, good character, and you showed, like, courage and bravery. Honestly, I feel like those are really good gossip things as well because I would love to hear that someone thinks I'm handling a situation well, or that I'm doing well in something, or that I'm, you know, you know what I mean? Like, good, good forms of gossip like that, where if it got back to you, it would not absolutely shatter your soul, or make you pissed off at somebody. Alright, now this final one might be a little bit controversial, but I think the last form of good gossip is gossip that stems from envy. Because that means that you're doing something right. If people want to talk, sorry, sorry about that, text message from someone, but if people are envious of you, and the gossip from that is stemming from that, it means that you're just doing something that's something they want to do, and something that makes you look and makes you very successful and desirable. And so, in my personal opinion, I think that is a really high compliment form of gossip. Take that if it resonates, leave it if it don't. But that's just my opinion, that's how I view it, it doesn't have to be yours. So, a good rule of thumb here is, if you're going to say something, and if you know if it got back to this certain person or this certain group, and it would hurt somebody's feelings, piss somebody off, then it's not good gossip. But if you were to say this, and you know if it got back, it would really make this person's day, or really make them feel good, that's good gossip, and at that point, why not just tell them to their face? Make somebody's day, do something kind, tell people how you feel, be open, be an open heart, wear your heart on your sleeve, you know? Alright, but for there to be good, there has to be bad. It sucks, it really does, but it's how the world works, in many different forms and variances. So, let's get into the bad. Before we get into this, I want to preface the mindset that I have in regards to people talking badly about me. I take it as a compliment, because if you're talking about me, clearly you have nothing better to talk about, or nothing going on in your life. I think it's a compliment, and a lot of it, too, stems from insecurity or jealousy, so it's just people being fans, and wanting to be you, and wanting to have what you have. So that's what I have to say about that, I take it as a compliment. You don't have to, that's just what I do, because I think, in my experience, it makes it easier, and it makes it less personal. And we'll get into why that is, because people talking shit about you is never personal. So, when I say that people talking shit about you is not personal, of course it's personal because they're talking shit about you specifically. They could have picked anybody else, but no, it has to be you. So when I say not personal, I mean the reasoning for why people decide to talk shit in the first place. Okay, so, a big, a big reason, reason number one why people will talk shit about you is because they want to feel a sense of belonging, and almost establish kind of stronger connections or alliances within their own group, and when people gossip or talk bad about you, it creates this weird sense of community and unity within these groups of people who all share the same opinion about a separate, like, third party or another person, so you. So, really, it's just about being in a group of people that have decided for their own insecure, unhappy, fearful reasons that they don't like you. And now, that's what's not personal. People can have all kinds of reasons for deciding to not like you. It's one thing, I mean, I know there are people that have reasons for not liking someone else, and there are a lot of times that reasons like that are justified. I'm not going to sit here and say that, oh, you can't, like, dislike anyone, like, no, you have full right to dislike people, you have full right to have your opinion, but I think in a lot of cases, and I think everyone who's listening probably knows this, there's not a need to talk shit about other people or say gossip, because when you gossip, it just shows that you have low self-esteem. That's about it. If you're drawing validation to yourself from making someone else's life miserable, that's horrible of you, and if you're guilty of this and you're listening, stop doing that. That's horrible. That's awful. You should not be profiting off of other people's pain and suffering, and if you're going to sit over here and share information about someone else's well-being, you're validating that your life is just so much better, which isn't the case at all. You just want to feel good about yourself, and it's fucked. And that is a hill I will die on. I climbed that hill, I learned of the hill, I climbed it, I stand on top of that hill, and I will die on that hill. Stop being mean to other people. Stop being mean. Focus on yourself. And you know what, if you can put this amount of focus and interest and observation into yourself, you might actually see some changes start to happen, but if you're so busy focusing it towards other people, zip, so stop it. Stop doing that. Now, I know that one might think the gossip and childish immaturity will stop, you know, after high school or after college. I'm sorry. I'm going to deliver this news, and I'm going to be as gentle and as loving and as caring as I can possibly be. It never ends. It never stops. And this is something that my mother tells me all the time. Adults also gossip, and also can be horrible, mean people, because we're human beings, and we all have the ability to hurt other people, hurt people, hurt people. But it doesn't stop, and I'm sorry. Even if you're an adult, like, working at a corporate job, and you become an executive of the company, people are still going to talk shit about you. People are still going to be gossipy and clicky. People are still going to leave you out. It doesn't stop. Just because you're 27 and no longer living at your parents' house, it doesn't stop. It continues, because it's human nature. So unfortunately, and also fortunately, in a way, you cannot control the way other people feel about you or the way other people choose to talk about you, but what you can control is how you choose to react to it. And I think that the majority of the time, the best reaction is no reaction. And I say this because why give somebody the satisfaction of knowing that the things that they've said or the things that they're saying about you are of any importance and are even on your radar, which is exactly why the more nonchalant you can be, the better, because if you're giving your energy and your time and attention to these things, it's going to kind of manifest itself into your psyche and into your life. And it's very true that the more you say something and the more you do something or a repeated action, the more likely you are to believe or continue to do what you're doing. So that's why it's important to practice positive self-affirmation in the mirror in the morning instead of negative self-talk. You start to believe these things, and if you're constantly letting these things bother you and not just kind of roll off your shoulders and one ear out the other, then you're going to start to believe the things that people are saying, and that's going to affect your self-esteem, which is not what you want. And in no way am I saying that you don't have a right to feel upset or feel frustrated or feel angry when people are talking about you or saying bad things about you, or it just kind of continues to go like, no, you're a human being, like I have said and continue to say. You're going to feel things. You're going to have feelings towards things, but you are responsible for the way that you choose to react and choose to respond, and hopefully you can find a response that's really just no response at all. And it's kind of like cheesy but true, but I mean, if you do ignore things and you ignore people and ignore when people do things like this to you, typically they stop because it becomes clear that the energy that they're devoting towards being shitty to you, it's not working, and they move on to somebody else. And there's no point in victimizing yourself and being the victim to something that really is just not personal at all, at all. And when I say playing the victim, I mean like, oh, boohoo, woe is me, this person is jealous of me, so they're speaking badly about me, so I'm going to be upset. If you start viewing things as a compliment, your life is about to turn into a much more positive experience, and the way you view things is going to be in a more positive light, almost like kind of like the yin and yang thing, you know, like, for there to be good, there's bad, for the sun to shine on the prairie again, you gotta have rain, you know, for there to be a rainbow, you gotta have rain, you know, and it's just like, it's hard. It's not a mindset that you can just kind of immediately jump into because, again, human beings, and some of us have tougher skin than others, and it's hard to sit back. I know for me, I've had times where it's been hard to sit back and just like listen to things people are saying about me and not say anything about it, but looking back, like, several months ahead, after, or like several, I'll be speaking in the future, I'm not a time traveler, I promise, but looking back on experiences from, you know, like months, years ago, I'm glad I didn't say anything, because I'm better off. It just means that you are a more mature person, and you are above this kind of behavior. Have there also been times where I have let my emotions get the best of me, and I have said things? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Even I am not immune to the effects, but it's taken a while to kind of build this mindset for me, and I've built up a really tough skin, a really thick skin, and with the career that I've chosen in general, you have to have that, because you're gonna face so much rejection, and I feel like I'm really building these principles and these habits that are turning my entire perception of my life around, and have helped me to not be so sad, and be so upset all the time, and to take things so personally, and it's been very, very eye-opening and very peaceful, in a way, to adopt these kind of ideals and really work them every day, because you have to work at them every day to change these old habits, and like Taylor said in her new album, old habits die screaming, and mine certainly are, because I'm getting rid of those bitches. I don't know if it's just how early it is in the morning, but apparently I can't speak today. It's okay. This is real life. But like I said, like I said, it takes work to change these mindsets, and to change a negative perception of something into a positive one, or into a learning experience that you can take with you for the rest of your adult life. Second big thing that I think would be beneficial to tell you guys is the way you feel about yourself and the way you talk to yourself and treat yourself dictates the way other people will treat you, will talk about you, and talk to you, and here's why. So when we all go through these really formative years of our lives, the teenage years typically are the start of these formative years. A lot of times, and especially in today's society with like social media and technology and just standards, it develops a really clear picture, at least in your mind, of how you view yourself and how you view yourself in response to the immediate world and environment around you. And of course, there are all kinds of things that happen and there are things that people will say to you that will stay with you for life and that will label you as certain things like, oh, you're too much, you're too talkative, oh, you're too quiet, you're too shy, you don't look like the models in New York Magazine, like you don't blah, blah, blah, blah. These are like the things that you carry with you, but also the things that you have to fight against every day in the society that we live in. And also when it comes to people talking about you and specifically pinpointing your insecurities or the things that you view as insecurities because they're the way that you view yourself and they're part of that. And honestly, if people are talking about things and they are pointing out insecurities, personal insecurities you may have, if anything, that's just an excuse, that's just your wake-up call to start working on those things and to start working on the way you feel about yourself with or without these because everyone is flawed. But honestly, I don't even think that I want to use the word flawed when it comes to the examples I've given because you don't necessarily understand the way that other people view your beauty because you're so critical of yourself and you've known yourself your whole life. It's also very important to know that everyone has insecurities, but there are people who allow those to manifest into the way that they behave and treat other people. And there are people who actually want to actively work on themselves and not wake up and make it everyone else's problem. And the second group of people are the people that are the people. Because why make something that only has to do with you about other people and tear other people down? And some people will talk shit about you and your insecurities to get attention, but also people will talk shit about you because if they talk about themselves, nobody will give a fuck. And that's the truth. I'm also just going to point out as well that a lot of times you may never understand why people feel the need to target you and talk shit about you. Maybe you end up understanding one day, maybe you never will, but I think that if there's even any doubt in your mind or any kind of upset, any kind of frustration about things people are saying about you and like about why people are doing this, then it's time to just accept that that's the kind of person they are and move on with your life. Because you wouldn't do that to them. So that sucks for them. That's very sad that they feel the need to behave that way. And I hope it gets better. I hope whatever you're going through, if you're one of those people that is lashing out at others and is being mean to others, I hope that you find it in your heart one day to apologize and to just wake up and decide to be a better person because it's a choice. All human beings have the ability to be evil and to harbor evil in their hearts. And it's 2024, it's time to stop that. Words carry meaning and they carry weight. That's always been true. It's always been the truth. And if you consistently don't think through the way that what you say is going to make someone else feel or how it would affect them if it got back to them, things always find their way back. It doesn't matter if you really think that you're saying something in private. People will always talk and things will always find their way back. So be careful. Be very, very careful and be very specific and choose your words wisely because you have no idea. You genuinely don't. You have no idea what kind of effect that could have on somebody else. You have no clue what somebody else is going through. So why even take that chance? So just to highlight some important things from this discussion, I'm going to give you a list of 10 reasons why people gossip or talk shit and then we're going to dive into why these things are not personal just so you have a really clear idea of why taking this kind of behavior personally is not going to serve you. Reason number one, people are craving a sense of intimacy and if you think about it, gossiping is a social skill that allows you to feel a sense of belonging or to build relationships further and it's just not fair. It's not fair for that to be the standard. Reason number two, people are insecure and when people are insecure, it kind of becomes clear when they can't stop talking shit about you or other people that they don't like themselves very much and the kinder you are to yourself, the kinder you will be to others and it goes both ways. And the people who don't feel the need to gossip about others have clearly found a healthier way to cope with their frustration or their emotions of their upsetness. Reason number three, people need reassurance and people need this because it develops I guess a sort of concept of trust which allows other people to be open and authentic around you and allows you to be open and authentic and it helps temporarily alleviate doubts and insecurities which gives you kind of a sense of validation and it boosts your own confidence for a bit and maybe feels like it's peaceful for a while but again, like I said, there's a difference between positive gossip and negative gossip. So if you're telling your friend about a serial cheater so that your friend doesn't go and date this person and meet the same date, that's different from you gossiping to one of your roommates about the other. So being smart and selective about who you decide you're comfortable sharing information with is great and helpful information versus negative information. It's okay to vent and you know, complain about like your life but you don't know exactly who you can trust or who's going to spread what and you have to be very careful about what you say. Number four. People are lonely and bored with their lives and sometimes people don't feel secure in their relationships or friendships and they have forgotten how to behave like a normal adult around others. This is my letter. Actually, this is my letter to women. Dear grown women, let's stop being so fucking mean to each other. How about that? Alright, and then number five. People are trying to spread information and I made a comment too about how the shit talking doesn't stop. So let's say you're this executive at this company and you just got this promotion after you've been working at this company for a while and if, let's see, oh my god, if you get this position and all of a sudden your little work buddy Stacey has started going around and telling people that you're a bitch and you blah blah blah, jealousy and she wants to spread that information about you to make you seem like you're not a good person. Number six. People are afraid to just work on themselves. So instead of questioning their own actions, they rely on gossip as a form of self-validation. Nothing else I really need to say about that one. Number seven. It's a survival instinct. This can serve us this by helping people gather information about potential threats or like alliances within their social group and I feel like this is more of a thing in like bigger groups, larger friend groups of people or like larger groups and it's just something people do to like maintain cohesion and like know that they can have protection in doing this. Number eight. People struggle with identity and it allows comparison to others and people will talk shit about you because they want to feel a sense of superiority or validation. They might I guess seek to distance themselves from behaviors they find undesirable and others which reaffirms their own identity and values even if they're just not good values. Number nine. People are jealous of you and if people are jealous of you, you fucking go bitch. Because that's a compliment and jealousy fuels gossip because it allows a space to express just straight up resentment or frustration towards people who we perceive as having what we desire and it also helps to temporarily alleviate feelings of inferiority or inadequacy and it's temporary. It's temporary satisfaction which is just a way, it just, it confronts your own jealousy indirectly because you're not seeing it as jealousy, you're seeing it as like oh, I'm just going to talk shit about this person but you see what she did, like shut up, you're just jealous. How about you tackle that and deal with your own personal, personal stuff and then we'll talk. Last but not least, it allows, it allows people to feel like they fit in because if you talk shit about somebody, it signals to the other people in this group or in this little friendship or you know, one on one that you are willing to give in to the normatives of this specific group of people and it's a psychological thing. If you are signaling to a group that you will conform to the social normatives of this behavior, then they are going to view you as someone who is safe and trustworthy regardless of the way you make other people feel. God, God forbid we just live by the golden rule and treat other people the way we want to be treated. God forbid that happens. Like arrest me officer, throw me in the loony bin because apparently that's crazy and if it's not a tick tock trend, then it doesn't go. Okay, all this being said and stated, notice how in all 10 of these reasons, and I could go on, there's such an extensive list of reasons explaining the way, explaining why humans behave the way that they do, again, psychological. All that being said, notice how within the 10 of these that I've given you, I never said anything about, it's your fault, it's because there's an issue with who you are or the way you present yourself, it's because of it like, no, it's not personal, that's the point I'm trying to make here. The moment you realize that the way people treat you is not a reflection or a definition of who you are, it's a reflection of who they are and they're just projecting it onto you, that's when you discover that really nothing is personal and you can live your life without carrying the weight of listening to what other people have to say about you because people are always going to have things to say about you. It's never going to stop, but you can start viewing it completely differently and watch your life and the way you view your life change into more of a positive and more beneficial experience. So, with all that being said, here are some takeaways. One, you cannot control the way other people speak about you and it shouldn't be your aim to control how other people see you or feel about you. You can control yourself and you can control the way you view yourself, the way you speak to yourself, the things you do and say and that will manifest itself into everything else in your life. So why not be a kind and open and empathetic person? Two, it's not personal. It's not personal. Yeah. It's hard, but it's true. Number three, there's a difference between good and bad gossip. If there's something you're saying to somebody and if it would get back to the person, it always does. If it gets back to the person and they're upset by it or if you know they'd be upset by it, that's bad gossip, but if you're good gossiping, you say this and you know if it got back to the person, it would make them really happy to hear it. If you're going to say it to their face, why not make it that much easier to make somebody feel good and make their day? Number four, there's also a difference between being helpful and being negative. Learn the difference before it's too late. All right. That about sums it up for today's episode. Thank you so, so much for joining me. As always, I'm going to link all the little links and the little thingies in the description I'm excited that we're still tracking on my honest journey. Happy Monday. I will see you guys next Monday for a new episode. Bye.