The Humor Hub ep

The podcast episode starts with the hosts introducing themselves and their guest, Matthew Chilton. They talk about his mustache and hair, jokingly discuss starting a church or cult, and touch on topics like working out, dinosaurs, and oxygen concentration. They also talk about being conceived on Valentine's Day and discuss some funny stories, including one about swallowing a tobacco-free dip pouch during a haircut. Overall, they have a lighthearted and humorous conversation. All right, good morning, good afternoon, whatever time you guys are listening to this. This is episode one of the Humor Hub podcast where you can expect fantastic stories, probably all prepared, co-hosts with topics, and super interesting guests like we have here today. My name's Han, as you're going to hear me go by, and I'm joined today with my co-hosts Batista and Spiers. One of our cohorts is on vacation right now, and we are interviewing our guest star, Matthew Chilton. Matt, you want to say anything to the people? Hey, what's up, guys? I guess I'm just a huge fucking nerd. I don't know. That's kind of the whole reason why I'm here. That's what I like to hear, that's what I like to hear. Nobody can see it, but he's got a sick mustache, dude. Yeah. Yeah, he does have... Matt, you do have one of the nicest sets of hair that I've seen. Oh, man, thanks. Yeah, it's all because we did cabbage school, and I couldn't fucking cut it. I couldn't cut it. It's been out like the brief... I am. This was against you, guys. This was against us personally. It's like, you had to cut it a specific way. Oh, so it's like military cut? It's not like military cut, but like, I don't know. I guess a very, very childish cut. Weren't you supposed to not cut your hair, like, per the Old Testament? Dude, Jesus had hair probably all the way down. He did. He did? Yeah, but he had... I don't know, like, I never saw, but like, I've seen some drawings of him. I've seen a couple of hair. I've never seen a bald Jesus, that's all I'm saying. I've never seen a Jesus with a crew cut. Well, we could start that here. Just forward, like, canonical humor hub, bald Jesus. Yeah, we'll start a church. Yeah. Well, isn't that what this is? This is just, like, founding the cult now. Oh, man. Yeah, there's a fine line between cult and church. Is there? Yes, right there. To be, to be. It's called massacres. That's where the line is. I love, I love how we, episode one of this podcast, and the first thing we started talking about was religion. Yeah, absolutely. That's what we want on the board. Yeah. I mean, it's, I don't know, it's a springboard off my hair. But yeah, I've got, I've got a long, long, long hair. You guys started, I was just talking about his mustache. I said he had a good mustache. Rockin' stache. We were talking about, a little bit before you got on, about your home gym. I heard you hit a PR today. Yeah. You said your partner was late. Are you talking about a significant other, or do you have, like, a workout partner? No, I have a workout partner. It's very important to, like, just have that accountability person. We've been doing it now for, I think, three and a half months. That's good. And we're doing the starting strength program. So, for a lot of people, it's, like, really boring. But, I mean, it adds five pounds every, every two days. Oh, wow. That's a lot. It works. It works. I haven't had to, I haven't had to go down in weight yet. I haven't had to deload. Really? But we're getting there. We're getting there. Today was tough. 355 was my deadlift. Wow. And, yeah, it's, it's getting there. I guess, like, the hard thing is, when you deadlift, it's, like, you don't realize how much cardio you're doing. Like, you feel like you just ran a mile. Yeah, in, like, ten seconds. Yeah. Yeah, that'll do it. Ten seconds is a long time. Yeah. For most men. Not me, though. Not you. But you're a good half minute. Yeah. Sorry. Well, he's really small. But you put in the work. Ten seconds is, like, a year for him. Yeah. Is that how small people perceive time? Is it short? For short people, we live longer, right? So, ten seconds is, like, nothing to us, you know? Have you guys ever, like, heard about why they think dinosaurs were so big? And, like, how they believe, like, oxygen concentration had something to do with, like, the size of the fauna? I heard, too, that size actually lowers your risk of dying from cancers. Like, if you, like, do an autopsy on an elephant, they have, like, a boatload of tumors. But since they're so big, it's not an issue. Yeah. Also, what I'm trying to figure out here, though, is, does that mean Bautista just grew up somewhere that had less oxygen? I mean, I'm not sure. I don't think Massachusetts is just, like, somehow lower in oxygen. The boroughs of Massachusetts are, like, way below sea level. Bautista, do you have a gas stove in your home? Do I have a gas stove in my home? Remember when everybody came out and said, like, gas stove? Yeah. Ironically, yeah. We, growing up, we had a lot of gas stoves. Or maybe he was just, like, conceived at a high altitude. I don't think he was conceived at a high altitude. With where his parents were doing it, that doesn't make any sense. I mean, I was, to put it into context, I do know that I was conceived on Valentine's Day. But beyond that, I don't know where. Yeah, I have yet to confront my parents about that. It is, like, I don't know. Some people, right. You upset about it? Honestly, yes. Some people will, like, openly talk to their parents about it. Like, there's a guy I know who was like, yeah, I was conceived at this specific concert at this time. My parents and I talk about it all the time. And I'm like, I don't. I don't want to know. I haven't even done the math. I haven't even done the math. I guess I'm a New Year's baby or something. I don't know. Yeah. I would have been like, oh, I could have been a Valentine's Day baby. Because I was born in October. And my mom was pregnant for ten months. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It was Spears' birthday the other day. It really was. Yesterday. Big happy birthday. Yeah. Big happy birthday. 22. If anybody on the planet watches this podcast, we should get a happy birthday for Spears in the comments section. That would be super sweet. Of wherever we post. Because we didn't get him anything. Yeah. We got him a podcast. Got him a podcast. Thanks, guys. I appreciate this moment. This is your moment. I did have a little bit of a story that happened to me today that I wanted to bring up. I don't know how many of you do Zinz, the new hit craze tobacco-free dip pouches. I know Spears does. Yeah, he's holding one up to the camera right now. Zinz, if you're listening, sponsor. I do not condone nicotine, by the way. I'm trying to quit. That's why I'm doing Zinz. Anyway, I digress. I needed to get a haircut today. And they didn't have my coffee Zinz in stock, so I had to switch it up to the citrus flavor. Well, of course not, because it's a barbershop. Shut the fuck up. You know what I mean? Some barbershops sell like they have nicotine. This is a quality cut down. Anyway, yeah. I packed a Zinz in the lip right before I went in for my haircut. Because I was like, I don't know how long this is going to take. I don't know if I'm in the waiting room. I didn't want to pack one in while I was sitting down. It had been a while since I put one in. Anyway, I put one in. I go in. There's no line. She sits me down immediately. Real nice lady. I think her name was like Angel or something. She remembered me from last time. She's like, oh, you still want the same thing? And I'm like talking to her. And this Zinz pouch is like juicing. This thing is juicing. And she's got that black sheet cover around me, you know. And she's already cutting my hair. Yeah. And I'm like, I don't want to swallow this. Because I'm getting kind of queasy. And she's like asking me questions. And I got my mouth full. So I'm like, yes ma'am, no ma'am. And then I decided to just go for it, you know. I just swallowed it. And I had to spend the next 20 minutes trying not to vomit on this poor lady's shoes at the hairdresser. Um. That is. Yeah. Beyond dog ass. That was really bad. Yeah. I don't know. Spears, have you ever had that problem where you're like in an important situation and you can't. Yeah. And it always seems to be like when I'm talking to like somebody I work with about something important. Yeah. And it's just like. You don't want to like get them out of your mouth mid-conversation, you know. I have a follow-up story after this. I'm sorry. No, you're good. I also got one of those kind of stories. I got one of these. Alright, sorry. I'm going to cut in front of you. Yeah, that's fine. You're the special guest. It is your day. Well, no. I'm a biochemist. Sorry, my bad. I'll go back to my corner. I'm a biochemist and I work in a laboratory. We make drugs and not like, you know. Fun drugs? Oh. We're making like Tylenol and stuff. We've got to cook. Okay. Well, we get audited all the time by different regulators. Like the FDA will show up or whatever. And it was the government regulator. I don't know. I think it was like Israel. What? No big deal. Yeah. They'd come over and they'd show up. The Israeli government? Mm-hmm. Yeah. They're buying drugs from you guys? Confirmed by everybody. Matt is fueling the drug war in Israel right now. We've touched on all the things I've wanted to so far. Israel and God. I'm already, I'm all talked about, man. Well, I feel like there's auditors that rev around. And I didn't realize we were having an audit that day. And you're not supposed to have gum in the lab. So like auditors were walking by. And one of them like comes up and is like, hey, what are you doing? Like they can just ask you anything, anytime. And so I just had to fucking swallow it up. And then it's like, yeah, everything's good. We're all up to code here and all that sort of stuff. I swear to God, I had that like piece of gum, a wad, just in the back of my throat. I sounded like I just had marbles. You were like... The Israeli lady looks at you like, do I smell spearmint in my lab? How fucking dare you. Touching on the biochemistry stuff you used to do, Matt. I remember once we had a few alcoholic drinks when we were in college. And you asked me if I wanted to go feed the gay fish. What? Like smelly? You put chemicals in the water and turn it into friggin' frogs. Oh! Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I did some research. This is my research. You hit us with your thesis. It was a thesis. God, this is so long ago. But we took CRISPR, which is a gene editing... Oh, I love CRISPR. Oh, fuck. Sorry. No, unironically, I watched the whole... Matt, I think that what you do is so fucking cool. Because I've watched so many documentaries about CRISPR and genetic stuff like that. And biochemistry. And I think that that is beyond fucking cool. I'm sorry. I think he can somehow make his kids taller. I'm trying to edit my genes. You can do a lot with it. And it's like the Swiss Army Knight now of biologists. It's so good. Yeah. Well, we took it. We were working... This is back in 2015, I think. CRISPR was only a few years old at that point. Well, we decided to knock out the testosterone receptors in zebrafish. And zebrafish are like chickens. They got like a pecking order. And so what ends up happening is that if you take out the testosterone receptors, they become docile. And also, fish do these like dances. Kind of like, I don't know, Birds of Paradise, if you ever watched. Like the gritty. Yeah. The fish might be doing the gritty. You got to serve as dominance. Yeah. Well, usually it's like an aggressive one or a courtship one. I mean, there's like a couple dozen different dances that have been documented. It's like bumblebees, you know, when they do little waggles. Right. Is that the official term is a waggle? The waggle dance is a specific dance for honeybees. I also did research on that. We'll get to that. We'll get to that. Kidding. Wow. We'll get to that. Anyways. And yeah. So we also took out progesterone receptors that made it more aggressive. So it turns out that, you know, a part of just how, like, it's called social dominance. But you can extrapolate that on a podcast because that's what we're going to do is extrapolate like a motherfucker. And just say that, like, genes, particularly like for testosterone and progesterone and estrogen, the major hormones of the body, do regulate part of your ability to cooperate in society or just like team building. Or, you know, you can build it up to a human level, right? Because a fish isn't going to be doing too much. But it definitely showed that it affects their dominance in the tank and their, like, social standing. Because they actually do have that sort of function going on. So I thought it was very interesting. That is super cool. Yeah. You know, we're on a night where we're just getting hammered. Yeah. I'm pretty sure I was, like, three beer bongs deep and, like, half a fifth of whiskey. And we were like, yeah, let's go feed these fish. And I'm just, like, looking at them and you're like, that one has testosterone. That one doesn't. And we're, like, putting little fish flakes in there. That was probably one of my core college memories, to be honest. It was super cool. Did you have an issue with, like, the testosterone fish just beating the shit out of the other fish? So, like, when we talk about it, the fish that had testosterone receptors knocked out. They're the testosterone knockouts. So testosterone is gone. Yeah. They end up getting bullied. So they end up hiding. They curl their tail underneath the filters so that they don't get attacked by these aggressive fish that have their progesterone receptors knocked out. So, yeah. So if you knock out testosterone, no testosterone could be, I guess, synthesized. Or not synthesized. Received. And then it affects the fish. So they still produce testosterone. It's just... Yeah. They've got it coursing through their bloodstream. And we can prove that. So I had to dissect their brains. Whoa. And while they're alive, which was quite sad. Do you use, like, a microscope for that? Yeah. It's like a... It's a macroscope. But, yeah, it's kind of like binoculars. So they are, like, numbed up, though? They're numbed up with ice water. So they're on the brink of just being, you know, frozen out. Okay. And then you scalp them with brain surgery tools. Like, these knives are, you know, several hundred dollars. Like scalpels and shit. And scissors. Yeah. Scissors that are so small, like, you wouldn't believe. And you have to cut all the cranial nerves. No, it's like, if I expected Steve Bautista with scissors, I'd probably be wrong with it. That's fucking small. I'm what we in Reno call painfully average. Did you, for those, for that nerve-cutting mat with those small scissors, did you have to use, like, robotics for that? Or, like, I'm assuming the human hand can't cut... By hand. You did that by hand on a fish's brain? Yeah. That's so fucking sick. Whoa. Now that is fucking metal. It took... Yeah, what do you think this is? A few to practice on. It's been so bad, it took a few to practice on. And the whole thing was that we hadn't get enough brains because we were extracting the mRNA. And at the time, a lot of people didn't really realize what mRNA is until we made a whole bunch of vaccines with it in it. But the mRNAs, we're looking for it for what encodes for testosterone and what encodes for progesterone. And they, like, so we took it out, but we had to get enough brains. We had to amass enough brains in order to get as much mRNA. Because mRNA is very fleeting. It degrades super quickly. So you have to get the fish in ice water. And I had to time myself, like, 30 seconds. Get a brain out and put it on its side. You can do that in 30 seconds? Lobotomizing a fucking fish in a minute. That's so crazy. That's so crazy. And you couldn't make it bleed. Because the blood, the enzymes of the blood would degrade the mRNA even further. And then also just muddy your results. So you had to, like, it was like... I had to practice it for a bit. How many fish were culled for practice? Probably 50. I think we've transitioned here into a cult. Because we've just reached... Yeah, we've reached the massacre line. Yeah, yeah. That is super interesting. I wish I had asked about that sooner. That was so much cooler than I thought it was. Yeah, it was pretty cool. So this might be dumb. But keep in mind, I'm not a med student or involved in that scene at all. But did you guys do blood tests on these fish at all? No, we didn't really do blood tests. Like, so... Well, we took it a step further. We used the brain... To remove their brain, yeah. So then, from there, you can see its gene expression. So you don't even need, like, a blood screen on it. You can see what it is... Like, how the genome has changed from the... Like, so we took a population of just normal fish. And then, you know, without any CRISPR genotyping. And then we compared that to the knockouts. And then we took the knockouts and the normal fish and we had them in a tank for two weeks. In different pairings. So it could be a knockout of testosterone with a normal fish or two knockout fish. And we had them over the course of two weeks. And we saw how the population that was in the tank for two weeks had a changed gene expression. So, first, we proved that editing the genes could edit the behavior of the fish. But then we also proved that the experience of being in a tank and having to fight and form this hierarchy changed the genes. So it ended up being that... Are you a slave to your genes? Like, where do your emotions come from? Do they come from your experiences or do they come from your genes? And it turns out that it's both. Oh, I learned that when I was in school with my tech degree. Oh, yeah. Good for you guys that didn't go to school. And I'll zoom back out. So, like, we had... Everybody knows that roid rage is a thing, right? But it's not really ethical to test it in people. And how do you do that? You give a... Do you see how many fights a person gets after shooting up with some testosterone or whatever? No, I volunteer. I'll go on a rounded test and then I'll just let you, I don't know, do blood work on me. But we kind of proved that if you had more testosterone than your counterparts, you became the dominant one. We tracked how many fights they got in over a certain period of time. So we tested their aggression levels. The ones with more testosterone were way more aggressive. So that was kind of cool. That wasn't part of the paper because it's kind of... It would be kind of, like, crazy to go out to the scientific community and say, like, yeah, roid rage is real, but... You'd probably get a lot of funding from somebody, I don't know. Yeah, somebody would be, like... Sam Palick, you know? You guys know Sam Palick? What do you guys think of him? Can you explain Sam Palick for those of us who don't know? I think he's a charismatic, funny dude. Imagine the opposite of Baptista, right? Yeah, a lot of oxygen when he was growing up. He's actually tall. He grew up at the sea level. If you guys don't know Sam Palick, you should look him up. He's this new... I guess he'd be, like, a new wave of celebrity, I guess you could call it. He claims that he's all natural, but the dude is... Oh, is this the fucking... the What's It King? The Liver King? No, not the Liver King. Liver King's proved steroids, but I think Sam Palick might be on something, but he just started his cut currently. The dude looks like an absolute monster, but everybody's been following him on this wave And he also seems like he's terrified to talk with women. I've seen a couple clips online where a girl would approach him and he just is really awkward about it. That's just a running joke, I think. Yeah, I think it might be a meme, but it's pretty funny. I'm trying to look it up right now, but I'm pretty sure he's openly not daddy. Yeah, it says he confirms that he's not natural. He's definitely, like, on cycles. Which is part of the reason why I kind of like him is because he's kind of, like, taking... opening it up a little bit more to people taking steroids. Which I'm not saying, like... Are you guys getting some... Pro or negative... Sorry, go ahead. No, you're good. I'm not talking, like, pro or negative to taking testosterone or anything like that, but he is pretty open about it, him taking it. I mean, that dude is 21 years old. And he's fucking huge. He's 21? Yeah, he might be, like, 22 now. But he's a young dude, same age as me. And he's absolutely massive. I looked up Sam Selleck, and I got something completely fucking different than what you guys are talking about. Well, I still want you guys to look what I found. Oh, my gosh, what is this? It's... It's a bunch of pictures of fucking cowboys. Oh, that's funny. Yeah, he's got it wrong. You searched Tom Selleck? You searched Sam Elliott and Tom Selleck? Yeah, it's just a bunch of pictures of... Yeah, I goofed that, Tom Selleck. That's really funny. I've had a question I've been meaning to ask. I don't know if I've asked you this question, Batista, either, but just for you, for Matt and Batista, it's kind of super derailing where we've been, but if you could pick one liquid to come out of your finger unlimitedly for each finger on your left hand, and it's five liquids, what liquids are you choosing for each finger and why? Batista, do you want to go first? Okay, I have been asked this, but I would like to reconsider my fingies here. Yeah, yeah. So, first one, gasoline. Second one, because you've got to be able to fill your... Self-explanatory. Yeah, that's $20, $10 to fill my bike and my car every week. You know, you've got to. Probably then, molten gold, because who needs precious gemstone that I could keep to myself and then whenever buyers need it, just sell it. Third one, water. And it's going to be my middle finger, just because, funny, you know. Life-giving constant FU. Yeah, no, that's hilarious. Just so you know, my wife is over here laughing at you right now. I appreciate that. I'm getting one laugh out of this podcast, and that's what matters. Fourth finger, oh, man. Probably fucking... Maybe, like, pineapple juice. I genuinely enjoy pineapple juice. Whatever you need, someone. Yeah, no, I genuinely enjoy pineapple juice. I just really like pineapple juice. No, I genuinely do. Yeah, we know what you're on. Sorry. Last finger, no, no, no, no. Last finger, you guys know very near and dear to my heart. Fucking mug root beer. Oh, that's what I'm talking about. If we got any mug maniacs out there listening to the podcast, you're in the right fucking place. That's what I'm fucking talking about. You are my people. I hate that meme. Why? Why do you hate mug maniacs? For decades. I'm just gonna come out and say it, dude. I like barge root beer, man. I hate you. I'm an A.W. I'm an A.W. No, no, no, no, root beer is not fucking root beer. No, there's different ones. You get all wound up. This is a hill I'm gonna fucking die on. For commercial root beers, mug. I love mug. Barks just doesn't do it for me. A.W. I don't have often enough. Why'd you specify commercial root beer, though? Because Big Brand always does the show. I'm gonna get into the craft root beer section after this. Barge root beer tastes like you poured mop water onto a rug and strained it into a glass. And to like fucking mix in a little bit of barbecue sauce in there. But for craft root beer... Okay, we gotta get off this root beer topic. What do you mean? We gotta leave it alone. Matt, you figured out your five? So, obviously, I'm thinking water out of water. Yeah, you got it. I don't know. I just think like, you know, you could act like, Oh, man, I cut my finger. Yeah, well, when you're drinking out of it, it looks like you're doing a telephone thing. Yeah, oh, yeah, that's good. One of your friends is gonna figure out that you can produce water from your fingers. And so, I like introduced the ring finger as the salt water finger. And so... Oh, man. Oh, man, I'm really thirsty. Matt, can I have a sip of your pinky? That's a great idea to have a fish caught in there and like your finger swells up. Yeah, his zebra fish experiment's all in his pinky. Get it removed and it's a gay fish and you're like, what? The idea of molten gold is a really good one. Yeah, just something valid. But gasoline, gasoline we'll have to have. Yeah, you have to. Yeah, I think so. Ink. How do I pull your finger? Just like write like a pen. Oh. You could put like a little nib on the end of your finger. Yeah, like I'll just have that nail be a fountain pen. A nib. No, I'll cut the nail into a fountain pen. Oh, that'd be very cool. Man, and then... I don't know, what's like a really... Go to the liquids. Insulin. Jim, would you like... Insulin? I pick insulin. Insulin's like the most expensive liquid by weight that we can commercially produce, I think. Either that or... It doesn't have to be, which is so crazy. It doesn't have to be. Well, it's expensive either way. I mean, think about it. You could single-handedly take down some like big pharma. Well, I could also just like stab somebody with my finger and put them in a coma. So... Alright, I don't know what the last answer's going to be. That's fine. But... True pointer, Peter. So, I'm going to copy on to this. What if the liquid that you produced came out of your blood? Out of your blood? So you had a limited amount to produce, right? So if you had gasoline, you can't like torch up... Oh, it's like donating blood. Oh... Yeah... Um... I don't know if that would cut it. That creates a problem for insulin, dude. You're going to be tired all the damn time. Because then it's like... Yeah. You're going to think like your body will just like... Like energy drink? Consume some of this, you know? So you're going to be... I don't know what gasoline's going to do to you, but I imagine you're going to be fucking wired. You know? I don't know. And then immediately super sick. And then you're going to go into a coma because you have insulin just pumping through your veins at a giant amount. Oh, no, no, no. I'm just saying there's like a magical moment where... Where you just function. It turns into... Yeah. Like you lose blood for... I have them writing with my pen finger. Yeah. I don't know. Well, that brings an interesting point to like written in blood, you know? Like it's... Literally. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But back to the insulin deal. It's kind of crazy how like insulin is expensive. Right, Alex? You brought that up. But it doesn't have to be. So in... I don't know if anybody even knows how insulin is produced. I don't. I don't. So typically it was like a few years... Not a few years back. I don't know. Before we were born. Was... They would take it and harvest it out of pigs. And so... Suckers. Insulin. Yeah. So they literally farm these pigs out of... From insulin. But now they have genomes and technology. So they just took the pig gene and now the human gene for insulin and put it in bacteria. And they put them in giant vats. And it's like brewing beer. They just brew a whole bunch of insulin. Really? Yeah. And I mean, when you put it that way, it's like, well, why don't we just have the most massive vats of insulin and just produce it at a huge scale? So you're telling me we could have breweries for diabetics. Yeah. With all the fucking people on alcohol. Yeah, you're like, can I get tap four? You know? It's just like... It's a different strain of insulin. Yeah, I mean, there's a lot of quality control that would go into it. But... Just have a beer. Yeah, thank you. Thank you, beer. Yep. It doesn't have to be that way. I don't know. But... I thought that was very interesting that, well, if you could make insulin, you could have the bacteria make anything. You could have them make Bart's Root Beer. Oh! Yeah! Bart! Yes! We wouldn't want that. My army is coming. I don't know how we can settle this. We just need a romantic evening in the back of the Mug Bug. Yeah. You know how it is. Anybody got a new banger that we can bring up? I have a thing that I would like to round-robin across the table. This will require internet access and a browser, if you guys have that. Oh, God. You're going to do an attack? Yeah. Oh, no. You guys might have already done this. I'm just genuinely... Jimmy's fucking AOL floating. Yeah, you're dialing in an autism attitude test. Oh, get off the phone! So I'm going to give you guys a couple seconds here. So what game we're going to play is I want you guys to look up your birth date and then Florida Man, and there should be an article that comes up on or near your birthday. Yeah. And then we're going to go around the table. We're going to share. So while you guys are doing that, I'm going to go ahead and bring up what my story is, and I'm genuinely very pleased with this one. So on November 15th of 2019, Florida Man makes himself a snack while robbing a Taco Bell. Was this in 2019? No. Oh. Yeah, actually. But not only did this guy rob a Taco Bell and it was all caught on camera and he didn't wear anything in particular to cover his face or his many tattoos, this dude also just decided to help himself to the many tacos and burritos that were just ready and waiting in the little heater thing. And this dude kind of fucked himself by just taking his time, you know, because the cops just picked him up right outside. Wow. That's crazy. Mine, I just got, for those that don't know, my birthday is October 31st, Halloween time, so I was expecting some crazy ones here. But mine just says Florida Man went down a 30-foot well and got stuck. Oh. Nice. The one underneath it, which is not talked about very much, I thought was way better, it says another incident on the same day, Florida woman arrested for a ninja star attack on her younger brother. What? What was like the cause, the interaction between them? That's all, it's one sentence. That's all it says. All right, so mine, I've got, I'll just read it. Florida Man got angry with the cat that walked into his garden and threatened his neighbor first to kill the cat. The argument between him and his neighbor turned into a brawl, and in short time, he killed his neighbor. Oh my gosh, this just escalated. If I scroll down, yeah, right, but if I scroll down, it says another incident on October 22nd, says Florida mom arrested for cheering child on in fight, which like, good for her. Yeah, she's got her kid back. My wife just showed me hers from her screen, and it says woman arrested for fart attack. Nice. Now that is fucking funny. Can we read out the part of that? I'm assuming she just fucking farted on somebody. Yeah. It's just like a cop that was just really sensitive that day. Yeah. Man. I mean, listen, I don't need to be that sensitive. If you fucking coot on me, I'm beat the shit out of you. She attacked her husband because he farted on her. Oh. Which I'm very guilty of. I do that almost daily, frequently. All right. Mine says felon in possession of bullet in the body. Florida man convicted felon, presented to the emergency department with gunshot wounds. He told detectives that he got shot, and then the police did an investigation. They found a spent bullet shell in the felon's car. They went to speak to the Florida man again, and while he's in the hospital, he admitted that he just shot himself by accident. Oh, well, he's a felon. He's not supposed to have a firearm, so. Yeah. Yeah. That's one way to get arrested for felony possession, and that's not the normal way. What are you going to do? Not go to the hospital? I mean. I would probably just not shoot myself. You know, that's a good one, too. Or you could just step in and handle it, you know? I think that that's not too difficult. What? Step in and handle what? You watch way too many movies, man. I step in and handle the situation, you know? Yeah, but these are things you can just get isopropyl alcohol and squeezes and be okay. Yeah, I mean, we learned today that you can do brain surgery on a fish to prove that, you know, testosterone doesn't exist. Oh, no, I see the court. I'm so glad. But he said that was three years of work, and you summed it up in the best way. Yeah. I'm here for the people. You can't arrest me for felony possession. You can't arrest me for felony possession because I just stepped in and fucking handled that shit. I mean, good for you for making the correlation between, like, a felon shooting himself and gay fish. We've come full circle. And it sounded all right. We have come full circle. We really have. Matt, I'm just genuinely curious. Do any of the fish, like, actually, like, demonstrate, like, homosexual, like, vibes? Yeah, I said the vibes. The actually? Gay vibes. Gay vibes. So those dances I was talking about, there's, like, a few mating dances, and they perform them on each other. So when we put them in the tank, we didn't put, like, a whole bunch in. We would put in two males with a testosterone knockout or two wild-type fish. Wild-type just means normal. Like Pokemon. Yeah, there we go. Exactly. And so if you had two males and they were both testosterone knockouts, they would do mating dances with each other. They would attack. They would hardly attack each other. What if it was one, like, rage-fueled testosterone one and, like, a sub one? Well, I'm sure. Yeah, then it was a bloodbath. Oh, bad. Right. So it was kind of cool because we did male-female. We did male-male, female-female, you know, and we did all sorts of different combinations. So, yeah, the more extreme case was the two male fish that had the testosterone, or that had the progesterone knockout. So that made them super aggressive. And then they would just fight all day long. And you would have to, we would do a video, and we'd go back and we'd play it in super slow motion to see the fish attack one another. And we would generate a heat map. We would track their eyeball. And then we would do a heat map of the fish tank. And the heat maps were insane for those because they were jumping all over. It was like, imagine, like, I don't know, Guy Lee, right? Yeah. When he takes the weight off. Like, that's both of them just darting around this fish tank. Yeah. It was insane. Versus, like, if you had one with testosterone knockout and one normal fish or a progesterone knockout fish, the testosterone knockout would hide in the back underneath the filter so it wouldn't get hit. And so the fish that is dominant is going to sit up at the top of the tank near where the food comes out. So that's like, that's their rock, king of the rock, you know? Yeah. And the sub fish gets the scraps. Yeah, he's getting whatever comes through that filter. Whether the dominant fish ate it first or if it was just something he missed. Yeah. So, yeah. That's a good question. Good question. Yeah. So sick. All right. Does anybody have anything else or do we want to wrap? I think we can wrap here. Yeah. I enjoyed this, guys. Yeah. This is, I mean, I was, like, kind of skeptical of, like, all the things that we could talk about. Yeah. I mean, and it's episode one. I think we covered a pretty great range of topics. Yeah. Yeah. We're glad you showed up. I'd love to come back later on, man. I just got accepted into a pharmacy program, so I'll have to learn a whole lot about drugs and then come back and share the knowledge. Yeah. You can come back once you learn how to make meth. Yeah. That'll be a fun episode. Well, then we'll have you on again and we'll ask you all. Yeah. Well, we'll see you in episode two. Yeah. Episode two. We make meth every day for a reason. Yeah. That's awesome. Well, yeah, man. Thanks for coming on. Good to have you. Yeah. No, this was a blast. Thanks, guys. You got any, like, social medias you want to shout or do you want anybody to find you? I mean, for what it's worth, I'm on X at MattWayne, W-A-Y-N-E underscore C. Cool deal. I thought you could find me. I was really hoping you'd say, like, follow me on Kick. Follow me on Kick. Oh, God. That's a whole other rabbit hole that I could get into, but I don't think we're going to touch it today. That's it. All right. Well, thank you all for watching. If you made it to the end of the video or the end of the audio or wherever you're listening to us at, I really appreciate it. Let us know if you guys have any good feedback for how the audio recording went. You can leave it down in the comments. We're going to try to get this up on multiple audio streaming platforms, podcast platforms. If you're watching this on YouTube, we're going to link those down in the description below. And if you guys liked what you heard, we got a little Thanksgiving special that I'm trying to cook up. It was my wife's idea, and you guys can look forward to that. Yeah, and we'll see you in the next episode. Bye. Transcribed by https://otter.ai