Can Exes be friends after a break up

The speaker discusses the topic of remaining friends with exes after a breakup. They share their own experiences and opinions, stating that they are friends with some of their exes, but it took time and closure to reach that point. They emphasize the importance of mutual respect and understanding in maintaining a friendship with an ex. They also mention that if they were to get married, they would respect their partner's wishes regarding maintaining friendships with exes. I don't want to be...nah. Y'all definitely don't want me to sing. Shout out to a gentleman named Kevin Avery who just showed some love. Thank you so much for loving the sound. It wasn't me singing now you see and thank you for loving the song. I actually literally found this song because I have serious XM in my car and I was just talking to my sister and I was like, I want to find a song that actually kind of connects with the, you know, the topic. And so she's the one that picked More and More by Joe, which I played that shout out to my sister Felicia. And I decided to play it. And because I do like that song. I forgot all about that song. That song is definitely a hidden treasure, guys. So that song and then I was riding in this song came on the radio. I mean, on Sirius XM. And I was like, oh, this is dope. Yeah. Yeah. What up, Joe John. Thank you so much for the light. Appreciate you watching my next trip. I'm coming to get that home cooked meal from your wife. And I'm definitely I appreciate her saying that she definitely will feed me for free. But that was just a test to see who was so that I can pour into their business. So I appreciate her for that. I'm definitely coming to support. Hi, Cynthia. Thank you so much for joining. Oh, my gosh. You guys, I feel the love with my new my new studio set up. I'm all ready. You know what I'm saying? And I got like some dope people in the building that I can't wait to bring up. So let me just go ahead and show some love to my girl Latrice. And y'all make sure that y'all support this queen right here, because she owns a clothing line that supports the hometown plant. And, you know, she's also branching off into other states. Hold on. Let me unmute you. OK. She's branching off to other states with her clothing line. But she definitely is a pioneering plant with 475. Correct? Yes, ma'am. What's up, boo? Baby. Thank you so much for joining us. Before we start, go ahead and plug yourself and tell them about, you know, 475 and where they can get it. And if you got any, you know, like promotions going on, listen, is the economy bad? People want to know what they can get for free or halfway free or one fourth of free. Five ninety nine to buy one, get one, whatever. Oh, buy one, get one. It's buy one, get one half off right now. All goodies. OK, sure. I do buy one, get one half off. Oh, I do have new hats and new beanies. You can go on my page, which is Latrice Lucas. I'm on Facebook and Instagram. I have beanies and I'm going to do travel bags. So I do have a little 15% off on travel bags. But I think my little sale sale is going to be for after Christmas because everybody wants something after Christmas. Yeah. You know, I'm going to go on some hearts for after Christmas. OK. All right. So, um, like I said, let me tell you, she was on one of my shows. Oh, she got one on. You got a leash. You got a leash, your sister. So I can wear it on the show. I'm going to make sure I'm probably aware that baby. And now I'm in the I'm in. Well, I'm not in Cali anymore for everybody who knew I was in California. I'm in Charlotte, North Carolina, and I'm so upset because I tried to get some wine today and they was looking at me like I was crazy. Excuse me, but we don't serve alcohol on Sundays here. I'm like. Oh, no way. I can't get no wine on Sunday. Now I know that that's OK. I still got something I still want to raise. So you can see how we do it. OK. But you can't even see. Oh, there we go. Let me fix my camera. Yeah, because I didn't want my mic on in here. OK, guys, I'm showing support for local brewery. This is IPA. And, you know, this was my sister had this in the fridge. So I was like, I got to show some love because that's what we do. One less wine about it. Grab your wine. Grab your favorite drink. Listen to the podcast. Watch the clip. Tell us how you feel out there before we continue. I'm going to take on. Take a couple of comments to show them some love and then we're going to get on with the show. All right. My girl, Cynthia. Thank you. I'm so happy for you. Thank you. You know, I genuinely feel that, you know, have you do you have any Facebook friends that you have never met in real life that you love? OK, because I yeah, I got a couple of them that I'm just like, dang, I want to be your friend. I got you, man, like literally. Congrats to you, Flintstone Sis. Congrats to Latrice. All right. Thank you. Thank you. OK, Avon Barksdale. What up? Thank you so much. Thank you for shouting us out. Oh, Buck in the building for seventy five. What up, Treece? What's up? Yeah. Did you tag my page for this? Who did I or Buck? Did you tag my page for this? I always tag you. I'm making sure that we got it. I know them comments going to be going juicy. Listen, yeah. And then, you know, me and you share the same family, same people. You know what I'm saying? We don't share family. That's right. Don't share nothing. Speaking of my cousin and your best friend and sister. What are those? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right. We don't share nothing with family, baby. We are. All right. So let's get this crack. And thank you so much, guys, for being out there showing some love. We're going to go ahead and get with the first clip. So the topic today and hopefully Big Black T, my favorite troller, will probably be coming in. He said that he was going to try. You know, he'd be DJing and doing a million and one different things. But. So the topic, if you don't know, is can you remain friends with your ex after a breakup? OK, now I have some definitions that I want to put up that I will. And guys, just so you know, my wife is a little wonky because I'm not on a router. So if I get choppy or something happened, please bear with me. But let's put this up real quick so you can see the definitions. So one definition says friendship is a relationship of mutual affection between people. It is a stronger form of interpersonal bond. OK. See, I was trying to be cute and not have my glasses. OK, it's a it's a stronger form of interpersonal bond than an acquaintance or an associate such as a classmate, neighbor, co-worker or colleague. OK, that was Wikipedia. You know, Wikipedia, pretty conservative. OK, now to Oxford Dictionary, the definition of freedom is a person whom one knows and with one and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection. So mutual affection comes up twice, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations. OK. OK, so you see what I'm saying? So we're going to we had to let you know what these definitions are, because we tend to put our own spruce on what friends mean and this, that and the other. And I just want to say this and I'm going to get my girl's opinion before we watch some clips. I do agree because I am friends with some of my exes. Well, actually. I received closure from all of them. So, yeah, we all are in a in a very cordial state and there may be one or two that I feel strongly about as far as we can chat and have fun on the phone and laugh because, you know, we have a deeper understanding of each other. But that came throughout time, like it came throughout, like not seeing each other, no contact, no nothing for like years, years, years, years. You know what I'm saying? And it came with closure. And that was the reason why we could. So I just want to say that I do agree with it in a certain sense, but I will say this now, if I found a man who wanted to marry me and we, you know, we're supposed to be together, I'm going to respect how he feels. OK, you know what I'm saying? Because that's just what it is. So, you know what I'm saying? I'm a respect how he feel. All right. What's your what's your thoughts? Yeah, I'm pretty with you on that. Let's just clear the air, because, you know. Clear the air. Listen, you don't need no disclaimer. Everybody grown on here, they know. So I'm real cool with my exes. I feel like the older I get, the more elevated I get. The younger me would have been like, I'm old enough to know, like, I'm cool. Even, you know, I give them suggestions on, you know what I'm saying? They're like dating life and they give me suggestions on my dating life. OK. I feel like if we didn't have a friendship, how can we build a relationship? Friendship definitely comes first. But if he tore that friendship up, it ain't coming back to a friendship. It's a social. OK, OK. All right. What do you think is on the something? And then my man on the phone, too. So I can say if I get married, I'm going to respect my husband wishes. Mm hmm. Mm hmm. OK, so let me ask you this. So do you become friends right after a breakup or does it take you time to heal process, have no contact and then move forward with a friendship? Like, what is how did you guys become friends? Was it like y'all broke up and then it was like, OK, we'll just be friends. Oh, we got some comments, too. I got to add these. It depend on the person. It depend on your. Well, for me, it depend on the person, the relationship, the circumstances and what had happened. So I'm going to say I was in a relationship with somebody, loved him to death. But he broke up with me and he told me he wasn't ready. I was pissed. I was hurt. But the older I got, I had to respect his wishes. We became friends. Mm hmm. I dated somebody else. He put a friendship up in the in the relationship. So it wasn't like we could ever. Be friends, I had to pray because my hate for him was stronger than I should have. So he apologized to me. OK, OK, you got closure in it, but you don't necessarily you don't have to be friends like friends is a strong word. That's more of a court. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I got real good closure from it or whatever. But it ain't no you know, I'm saying. It's some exes I'm friends with. I'll be like, yeah, do that. Go get me. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. It's like. Yeah, I'm the same way. Like, you know, I say congratulations when I see them in a new relationship. All of that, because those that attachment is no longer there of that type of love. It's a different type of respect now. You know what I'm saying? But wait, we have a comment. Shout out to my girl, Muff. Muff is one of the main actresses in the new the Suncrest Suncrest Drive the series. And I just watched episode one. Thank you so much for showing love with the hoodie, too. But I like how you buried the body in a humble, bougie sweatshirt. But she says, die and come back. Then we can be friends. And then and then Avon Barksdale, a.k.a. Jono Snow says, heck no. Let me tell you, Muff, I'm kind of with you on that one. And I ain't gonna lie. I was like you did to me. Every time I see that person, they would speak up like you did to me. But I'm getting older and I got to put my big girl, you know, it's just, you know. Yeah. Yeah. You listen, you you trying to just keep your energy and space right and stay. You know what I'm saying? That's all it's about is us not harboring any feelings, especially if you get closure. And not only that, you know what I'm saying? That person ain't going to block my blessing. That's right. That's what I'm talking about. For the next person. So because you messed up and get a little closure, you gave me with a little closure. That's all I needed. And it's perfect. Not not a little closure, though. Because, you know, you did this. What did I do? You know, it could have been you. But I just feel like if we was a really good friend in a relationship and it did not work in the relationship, we're going to be really good friends in as a friendship. Because some friendships and relationships don't go hand in hand. They don't work. They better off as just friends. But like me and say, you know, I mean, you know. OK, so let's let we got a couple more comments and I see my niece just jumped on to. She got something to say. I'm her Randolph Holmes. What's up, boo? OK, I just was talking. I talked you up. OK. It says must make sure the feelings are gone before friends and start over because we don't know each other anymore. That's true, too. Like if you pretty much that's it. I feel like you trying to get back with your love, your ex or something like that. And you guys are trying to rekindle. You still got to heal and start over. That that's something I would think. And then it says meaning start over. Oh, meaning start over as associates. OK, OK, OK. OK, that's what she's saying. You can start over as associates. And it's some it's some people. Can you? And let me tell you, it's I guess I'm just dealing with from within me because I had to work on me. You can start over as associates and build that friendship if you want to. If you want to. If you don't want to stop it. And it's some people that know that you are a good person and they know they messed up really, really bad. And when they do come to apologize to you, it might be genuine to them, but it might be fake to you. So in the end result is more so like, OK, we can be associates. But that other person wholeheartedly is never going to stop having feelings for you. They don't always have feelings for you, even if they move on. You might move completely on and don't look at that person. Nothing else before what it is with that other person. Sometimes it's like a hard for me to move on. They can have somebody else and still be wanting that other person. That's just, you know, they know what they messed up at. And I know sometimes being an associate is a little bit too much for that. Now I know they got just a little piece of a hello from you, too. Mm hmm. OK, so shout out to Monica. Nice. Michelle. She says it depends. It depends on how the relationship ended. OK, that's exactly what you said. And, you know, we did discuss that. So now thank you guys for the comments. We'll we'll reach out in and read some more comments later on. One shot. See some of these clips. Let's get to it. Shall we go? All right. So the first clip. Well, all of the clips is talking about pretty much the X situation. And so we really don't have to explain the clips. I'm just going to show them. And they're all short clips. This is how let's whine about it is. And then you guys listen a little bit. And if you guys want to chime in and put your thoughts in the comments, I greatly appreciate it. And I'm going to be totally honest and transparent here based on the patterns that I've seen is they still want that validation from you. Now, you may have been someone that was speaking their love languages. You may have been someone that really flew too close to the sun and got their wings clipped because they were able to open up to you. They were able to be vulnerable with you. And they understand that you guys may have had a connection. So I'm going to get to that later on. But they're looking for validation. They're looking for validation. They're looking for someone to make them feel like they are valuable. And they're just trying to get their needs met. Now, you got to understand as human beings in general, by and large, we all want our needs to be met. How that comes about is different for everyone. So you may see them reaching out to X's, keeping communication with people that they've dated before. And this is not everyone. Now, this is just patterns that I've seen. This isn't everyone. They may still want to be in contact with you because they know that you're going to be able to make them feel something. You're going to make them feel alive or make them feel like they're important. The second reason is because they value the connection that you had. Now, if you guys were in a relationship for a long time, let's say you were in a relationship for a couple years, it's going to be hard for them to just disconnect from you and never speak to you again. That's something that probably hurt them pretty bad. If you can't maintain your emotional regulation and be able to have a relationship, a different type of relationship with them, then that may be something that really hurts them. So if this is the case where they just value the connection that you had, and you guys will know, if you're in a relationship with them and you know that you guys had a pretty strong bond and you had a pretty strong connection, then it'll be hard for you to sever that ties also. I mean, let's be honest. It's not every day that someone comes along that feels like your best friend. I mean, you may have that connection maybe once or twice a decade, but when you feel it, it is definitely something that's really hard to let go of. They may still want to stay friends because they're connected to your family and your friends, and they may still have a bunch of mutual Facebook friends. Maybe that may be the reason. That's my number two reason. And that's really a hard one to tell. Unless, especially if you guys had a really short relationship, let's say the relationship lasted for less than three months or less than six months, then I would say it's probably more of the reason that they're looking for that validation to know that, hey, you're still there. And then the third reason is they may want to revisit the romance. And they usually feel like, if they're reaching out to you, it should be obvious why they're reaching out to you. I'm reaching out to you clearly because I still love you. But if this is a case where you feel like they may want to revisit the relationship and things are warming back up and they may be sharing some pleasant memories or inquiring about your life, then I would say that you need to kind of see where they stand in order not to waste anyone's time. You don't want to waste their time or your time because it's the most valuable thing that we have. Time is non-refundable. It's non-negotiable. It is negotiable. It's non-refundable, though. You don't get an instant rebate on the time that you spend with someone. So I would say that you kind of ask if they want to meet up in person. And I know you're supposed to take baby steps. And I guess it all depends on like a bunch of different nuances in the end of the relationship. Like, was it toxic? Was it an environment where you guys kind of like abruptly ended? Or was it something that just slowly fizzled out? I mean, you may be kind of wasting your time because as a pattern that I've seen, they typically don't want to revisit their relationship after. But if it was something where it was like a disagreement and the relationship ended abruptly, of course, if it was something like cheating or something, then you may not have a chance. But those are all the little different scenarios that may happen at the end of the breakup. And if they want to be friends with you, and no other coaches will tell you, don't be friends. But that's their way of trying to kind of put you back in their orbit and try to figure out if they still have romantic feelings for you. Okay. So I stopped it there because that's the number one thing. That is one of the reasons why I feel like you have to be. You have to create a friendship years later You know what I'm saying? I do not agree with like right after a breakup, being friends with somebody. I just if you really had a strong chemistry, there's no way that that pain and you know, that detect like you're you. There's a detachment that's happening that you really don't want to happen. But for some reason, it has to happen. So you already in pain and you want to be social media friends with this person or you want to feel orbit in a life. Like I don't agree with that. But the things that he was saying to me in this video was because he clearly was saying that you can be friends. He was kind of opposite of a lot of the coaches, but he clearly was saying you could be friends. But he also was saying a majority of the people have to me hidden agendas as to why they're your friend. You feel what I'm saying? Like one of the things he said is they value the connection. That was his first thing. And you know, it is hard to find really strong connections with people when you mesh. It doesn't necessarily mean that y'all going to work out for Eternity. And but some people they thrive on that connection and that feeling. And so they probably can't get it from that other person and they still want to remain in your life, but they care about the other person as well. And then, you know, they value the connection or they were looking for validation. Sorry, that was the first one. Then they value the connection, which was to then they want to reconnect romantically. I'll say this. And just so you guys know, disclaimer, this is not about situationships, people that just hooked up. This is like real situations where it's ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, fiance, husband, wife, whatever you want to say. But this is what we're talking about. We're not talking about situationships and we're not talking about hookups. Okay, so do you have any anything to add? To what he was talking about? You did want to say some of the stuff he was saying, though. Yeah, it's a lot of stuff that play into that. Like he said, sometimes people just, if they're gone, they want to come back just to see what you're doing, how you doing. Yeah, I ain't got time. Is it a possible chance, even though I messed up, we can remain friends and get back together? Or is it a possible chance that I can see you or whatever in it? With all that being said, what he said, one thing he missed out is, them people never set boundaries. Mm-hmm. I feel like when you dating somebody and in between the relationship, in the relationship, Yasha and I already had talked about those boundaries. Like, you know, me and you have a breakup, you know what I'm saying? I'm not going to be, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Mm-hmm. We'll remain friends, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I'm saying? I ain't looking for, oh, you come over here every other weekend thinking you about to have, you know what I mean? Or Netflix and chill or whatever coming because it's a holiday and you ain't got no holiday or this person can't cook. You got to make those boundaries you know what I'm saying? In friendships, you have to make boundaries. Even with associates, you have to make boundaries. So if you stand on the boundaries, exes can be free. If you stand on them and be firm a believer, but sometimes people don't think like that. Well, 80% of the, especially in our culture, they don't put boundaries together. Right, yeah. I ain't going to say just our culture. I know, but I'm saying, but I'm saying. Yeah. Oh, okay. Oh, okay, yeah. It's just our culture because they go through stuff too and it's their love linkage is way beyond deeper than other people's that I've been seeing. Well, you know what's so funny is because I work with multicultural people too. You know what I'm saying? Predominantly Asian. Predominantly Asian, predominantly Hispanic and some white. And well, I did. Now it's more predominantly our people since I transferred. But speaking on that, I see a lot of stability in their relationships. You see what I'm saying? It's a lot like the people that I'm around and the men that I am around. When I say I'm around the men that deal with the women that my coworkers, it's a lot of stability. Even at 20, some of them is like 25, 23 years old. It's a lot of stability. You see, and that comes from strong communication. It has to. There's something that there where they had to be able to create this longevity of the type of love that they have, the type of respect that they have with each other. So that's where those their boundaries of whatever they said is helping them to stay in a relationship for so long. Not saying they don't have issues, but the ones that I know. Yeah. Listening. You really got to listen to a person. Even with your friends, even with your friends. Yes. I'm going to tell you everything. You got it. You can feel it with discernment too. You got to really pay attention and listen. And then too, it's about who you are in that point of your life and where you at. And if you're not a person that's willing to sacrifice or go through anything with somebody, and I'm just going to be blunt about it. When you're dealing with somebody and you're in a relationship with them and you're moving forward and you're friends, some people are already broken. Mm-hmm. And that broken part of them sometimes tear up the relationship and tear up the friendship. Mm-hmm. So, that person don't know how to forgive or another person don't know how to apologize. So, you got to look at a lot of stuff that they say and do when you're together. And then when you break up, you can rekindle your life. You know what? I see why we're not together. Mm-hmm. And that also, yeah, and that's where saying, I see why we're not together makes you say, you know what? We are better off as being cordial or being friends because I don't want to even step on that line no more. But you know what? You know me and you can talk forever. So, let's get back to the another clip. Okay? All right. Let's show this one. With one of your exes, he knows exactly what, I know you friends with one of your exes. He knows exactly what turns you on. And because he's your ex, he knew before me. And you know as a dude, right? We take pride off of being the first one. We like to get up there and put down the sword and be like, I conquered this thing. But the problem is, you allow yourself to be accessible. It's almost like, if you really want to damage cement, put a hole in it without anybody really noticing, just let the water keep dripping over and over. Oh, I'm going to break you. It brings on different challenges. And this is the petty people. You know how to piss each other off. All right. I can't have, I can make her miserable. She miserable, you miserable. If you're miserable, he's miserable. It's too much damn witchcraft going on and you ain't even in New Orleans. So, they can't be friends at all. No. For what? You know, there's billions of people in the world. Find another friend. That's what you do. Why you act like you talking to me with this man? No lies in the lounge, damn it. Okay. Let's watch this one. Hold on. I got another one. Here's my biggest problem with remaining friends with your ex. If I'm your future spouse, explain to me why out of 8 billion other people in this world, you decided that friendship is that important with this individual that you used to fuck. Like, you could be friends with anybody else on earth. But it's some reason why this person is that special. And when I approach you about it, not only are you picking sides with film, because when I approach you about it and I tell you that I think the relationship is inappropriate, you make it seem like something wrong with me. So automatically off the bat, you are choosing to defend this relationship than to defend ours. Why is this so motherfucking important to you? Why is that relationship with the person that God said is no longer serving your life more important than the person God brought to your life to elevate it? And you make it seem like something wrong with me. So you can't have both. You can't act like it's not a big deal, but you're willing to risk what we got in order to maintain it. Now this is, that's, listen, that's law. Everything he said was law. I mean, they both were saying similar things because they actually were discussing being in a relationship with somebody and then that person gaslighting them like it should be okay for them to be cool with whoever they cool with too. And that's exactly what I was talking about. No, you cannot. If you, if God sent your mate to you, you got to cut all ties. This person you was intimate with. You had sexual intercourse with somebody that you said is now your friend and you brought somebody else into your life who you say is supposed to be your soulmate. That's who your soulmate is then. So you don't need this person in your life. It's a million and one people. It's a billion people on the planet. I totally understand it. What? Let me just say this. Let me just say this. Let me just say this. Because I get what you're saying and both of them what they're saying. Girl, let me hear what you got to say because I really, we about to really argue on this one. We gonna argue. We gonna argue. No, we gonna debate. Debate. We got to keep it classy. Debate. Classy. Okay. Okay. So let's just say this. Settle. They with me on this one. But go ahead. At any given time when you're in a relationship with anybody and I'm just gonna say it. I'm just doing this on here for the people that have kids. Y'all need a friendship. That's different. Hold on. Hold on. Y'all need a friendship. Okay. If you my ex-husband and you got remarried, you still my, you know what I'm saying, you gonna be my friend. I know boundaries. You know what I'm saying? If you my soulmate and you for me, solely for me, you feed my soul mentally, physically, and everything, my friend, he gonna be over there because guess what? I'm not gonna have him feel like he intimidated by him because at the end of the day, at the end of the day, somebody know somebody that know somebody gonna say, oh, yeah, well, she called me and told me it was unhappy and it's gonna be circus, right? I'm gonna play them games. On another note, if I'm grown-minded and I'm doing what I'm supposed to do, my man ain't gonna worry about nothing. He ain't gonna worry about my friend. He ain't gonna worry about my ex-husband because I'm gonna be a grown-minded woman and put it to the table and let you know what it is. What I bring to the table is you gotta trust me to know that I'm not gonna make you feel less than a man. I'm not gonna put him before you at any given time. If he's my friend, he's my friend. Prime example, I had two male best friends. One is deceased right now. Sorry to hear that. And the other one, me and my male best friend, I'm talking about we shaking back. Do I enter into any of his relationships? No. Do his baby mamas like me? No. Do I respect him? Yes. Do I respect him? Yes, because he's my friend. Have we ever had sex? Mm-mm, no. That's different. What? What? What? We talking about exes. Okay, so let me just say this. So it's a lot of exes that's still friends' friends and consider themselves best friends with their ex. So, keyword, this is my best friend with y'all exes. I'm not going to never know that y'all messed around with your best friend with your exes. Mm-mm. And when a person defends that ex supposed to be, that's how you know they messed around. This is what, that's what they were saying. That's why, why, so let me ask you this. Why is it so important to be friends with an ex when you don't really necessarily need that person in your life after a breakup? It's not important. Especially when you're in a romantic relationship with somebody else. It's not a need. It's not a need, nor is it like an important thing. It's just out of respect, and I just think Respect? No, no, no, no, respect all the time. No, no, no, respect all the time. Not like for him. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh. Not for the ex. No, never for the ex. I think you have to respect your new spouse in some type of way to make that person feel like, okay, you willing to sacrifice your friend that is supposed to be We agree. We see each other because I'm going to let you go. Because a lot of men Let me say this real quick. Sorry. A man is going to let you go in a heartbeat when they find the woman that is their mate. They don't give a crap about you supposed to be their friend. Trust and believe. They move differently. But we as women always feel the need to try to be the nurturer and be the Oh, we can be platonic or we can be this. But when we play the male role because some of us play the male role and when we do Oh, you this, you that, you this. No, it's not like that. It's all I'm showing you that you know what I'm saying. I'm not like the rest. And with this new generation of the dating pool, you know, it's kind of hard. It's sad. It's sad. It's so I ain't never hear so much in my life about I would never thought in a million years it would be like this. But being here again and when we say the same thing is that so if you is in a relationship with somebody and they feel intimidated by your ex and they're not basically showing it you hear it every now and then. I think you should kind of validate that if you really care about that person. I think you should be more respectful because if that person sacrificing a lot for you and you're not sacrificing nothing for them that means you know, like, OK, I care but I don't care. But then the same token is like you could be with somebody and they only there for momentarily and you losing your not your exes but some of your friends because of the fact is this person is not the person that you're really supposed to be with. So for me, I'm like, I piggyback on both of them. But some of these exes don't deserve to be friends at all. Like, thank you. OK, that's a that's a bar. We don't leave it right there so that I can make that a short. OK, that is what I'm talking about. We don't go to the next clip, but this right here says one person will always have hidden agendas on getting that person back. Majority of the time. That's how it is. And honestly, I have already decided. Listen, I'm allowed guy to choose my mate. I'm not about to I'm dating with intentionality. I am not dating just a date. I don't care about no state, no meal from you, no trying to get out the house. It's none of that. You know what I'm saying? If we not on the same vibe level or any of that, it's hard because there's not a lot of people out there that think like that. But what I'm saying is that the only way that I would take back an ex-fiance, ex-boyfriend or whatever is if I got a certain confirmation from God that I feel in my spirit that I know that that's going to work. It's it's good. Go ahead and go for it. Other than that, child, listen, we can kiki. We can talk. We can have a good time. But when I find somebody, I would definitely respect boundaries. If my mate is not comfortable. Okay. Let's see what this listen. This guy. He gives me some vibes because he looks dirty all the time, but he be spitting this coach right here. Okay. He he he. I just just watching. They're using you to make our access. Okay. Number one, they're using you to make their access jealous about you. Some people stay friends with their ex just to make their ex jealous. Number two, the other reason is because you're not going to be able to get over him. If he broke up with you once, stay friends with him is going to help. If he broke up with you once, he's going to break up with you again. And if a guy friend don't you, it just means he's using you in case the other girl doesn't work out and then you'll be next. All right. And the last one, the reason why you cannot stay with your ex because the next time you get a relationship and your boyfriend and your future boyfriend finds out you have your ex as your best friend, he's not going to like that. It's going to get in the way of your relationship. So it's either you're being friends with your ex or having a good healthy relationship. If you want to watch more amazing toxic content like this, follow me. Girl, the name of his show is called Toxic Something Child. That just shows you. However, however, wrong. Somebody said that baby wrong. I know, but with this he had some key points because some men just look for revenge. If you hurt them, they look for get back in certain ways and say, you know what? I'm going to show her I can come on, wiggle back in. Or you could be talking to somebody that I owe you. Yeah, but I go, you know, she's going to talk to such and such or even him. Even him, you know, so you could be dating somebody like, you know, but what I want to learn this and my little cousin said posted. I want to say two years ago. It could have been a year ago. He said just because we're dating does not mean that I'm a poor everything into you to buy you what you need to make you not the woman that deserves it. Maybe you need to learn how to deserve it. Mm hmm. I didn't get that right because I was like, what? No, that makes sense. Then he said because you dating you saying dating, right? They were they were him and his girl was together. Oh, they were together. OK, maybe two years, but he ended up saying, OK, when I get what he said was when the next woman give me she won't have to worry about what the other woman got. So I was like, what? So I asked him. He was like, when you get with somebody, do you give everybody your all or you give them bits and pieces or you just when you go on a relationship or you just go all in go in or in most men don't go in or that's true. That's true. Some women need to go in with bits and pieces until they find that one that deserves that all in. He said, you over there cooking and cleaning and giving him everything all in and not a wife. You're not a wife. You've been you've been a wife the whole everything and ain't nothing wrong cooking and cleaning. Ain't nothing wrong ladies, I don't want to take offense to nobody because that's your love language so be it but being with somebody that's not going to sacrifice the same thing you sacrifice you got to cut some stuff short. That's right. You better say it girl. I'm not making your meal. I'm not making your plate. If I'm cooking I'm not washing the dishes. I'm not washing your clothes. Okay, wait, I might make the meal and the plate but see I'm I'm traditional old school. I'm old school too but nowadays I got I'm old school too. I'm going to make the meal the plate wash the dishes and he can take the trash out and he can help wash the dishes. Let me say let me just say this He can buy the grocery. I used to make plates. Girl, I ain't going to never stop making a plate now. Listen Okay but go ahead. I used to make plates. I used to be a in-house wife. Oh, that's different. Where did where did where did it get me when I made them plates? You get what I'm saying? What did it get him? His belly was fed. He was happy. He was kicking like yeah, I can go home and get a fresh meal. Right. I see what you're saying. But what I wanted him to give me the pieces that he was missing he wasn't trying to pick them up and give it to me. Now here it is the pieces that he's looking for in a woman he's getting every single day but don't realize it and he's like I'm straight. I got what I want and continue to do so sometimes we got to meet the person where they at you want you want a meal get your plate you you know what I'm saying? You want this? I'm going to give you know what I'm saying? I'm not going to give everything and most men 9 times out of 10 they ain't going to give a woman everything because what they're looking for Yeah, I've been there before I gave everything I've been there before and if you go in giving out everything he's going to feel like dang this is why that nigga left oh man I would have never left you I would have stayed to the end or when something gets tough where he at he gone too or she you know what I'm saying? she gone because I've heard stories about some females and I be like y'all some of these females yes I'm saying it y'all are raggedy I'm saying some of y'all females are raggedy and I'm saying some of y'all females are raggedy and I'm saying some of y'all females are raggedy and I done heard a lot of stories and ain't no way I could have a man pay all my bills and do everything put me through school and da da da and then you ooh ooh girl that's going to be y'all listen listen that's going to be another that's an after hour topic okay another moment I'm going to say this uh I enjoy you know what I'm saying doing whatever it is for my men and he's not going to worry about or worry about oh did you do oh boy like this or did you no because if we together I'm not I'm going to treat you differently you going to have a different experience because the experience that me and you had is going to be what me and you shared especially if he pouring into you yeah it's not going to be an experience that you didn't have with somebody else and that's one thing I can't say that was is wrong with a lot of people dating just because you had an experience with somebody else does not mean you're going to have that same experience that's true and it's so sad because you hear a lot of people like well that ain't got nothing to do with me my cousin ain't her cousin you know what I'm saying my love language ain't that person I can't compare you and a lot of people do it so it's so sad and then what happened I started being friend with my ex my ex come back over you know my love language a little bit different we cool you know and that's what old way is talking about he's talking about you know the ex they come back because you know they know that person they know what they can get yeah they already know they know they know if you're a nurturer they know like whatever void that they're trying to feel they'll usually try to come back in some kind of way even if they know that it's only just a real platonic friendship they just want to be able to have that connection but some people just want to have sex with that person you know they still got it I tell anybody this ain't going to be no Mimi and CBJ situation right okay so with that being said before I go to the next clip I do want to say this ladies if you trying to be a wife okay I'm going to tell you right now you can make a plate you cannot make a plate but the one thing that you need to do is keep them legs closed that's what you need to do you need to keep them legs closed and you need to court and you need to date with intention until you actually see the worth of him if he can't be patient in that time frame then you don't want him period okay but I'm old school you know listen old school new school it ain't so crazy because it ain't a lot of people that's like that and some of the men that are willing to wait and I'm going to be so honest yes so jaded now it's so horrible you can be you can be patient you can still be he can be the whole enemy he can be an op yeah that's what I was saying some of them just tried to get in because of revenge or whatever it may be but we getting off topic because we talking about men we off access now we off whole nother relationship topic which will be another one Latrice definitely will be on that next one though this is a continue okay so I do like this coach she's pretty decent sometimes she can be a pick me too so fellas if you do watch her I said what I said but she got this right to break up with you they might drop the cliche we can still be friends line now I say if the breakup is painful you should stay away from them you will never properly move on if you're still in their life thing you should know is if you do make the mistake of settling for a friendship you're going to get hurt all over again and again and again and again whenever you watch them love someone else whenever you watch them move on and be happy with someone else now I say when they break up with you completely disconnect especially until such a time when you can talk to them again without feeling any pain or betrayal and this right here is I just want to say that this is so true especially for a toxic relationship you know what I'm saying and that's what I was saying about when you break up with somebody and you try to still be in their life right after the fresh after the breakup the only way that you're going to continuously keep somebody in your life right after a breakup is if you already have intentions on getting back together or you're in a toxic relationship that is on and off again all the time or you just don't want to heal and move on because it's a part of you that is super attached to that person and you are afraid that they might move on you know you're not really trying to better yourself and move on with anybody else because you're in a comfortable space that's a soul tie and that's what I'm saying stay away block delete so that you can heal from a soul tie that is the only way that you can actually move forward with finding who should be in your life and who you should give your space to if you know that the person that you have a tie with completely is toxic for you or just don't want you but you guys are constantly with this push and pull situation you know you cannot break up with somebody that you say you have a very strong connection with and the next day y'all you might be on social media with somebody kissing somebody and you see that and not have any pain and you say that you have a connection with somebody you can't do it that means that y'all connection can't really be real you can't tell somebody you love them in the same breath and just dog them like you can't right like I love you is you really telling me you love me to see what I'm going to do for you you tell them you love them but you really hurting like you say hurtful words like how can you be in a relationship with somebody where y'all get in an argument or in a disagreement and you throw shots after shots after shots after shots and remain friends though like break up and remain friends like you threw so many shots at me but to the reality that's how you felt the whole entire time you've been together so I look at it like that's why I say you associate because if I see you it might be a cordial hey and keep it moving because if you break up on a good note and you was you know what I'm saying and it was not no cheating or nothing and it was just something yeah that's different that's different I'm going to be your friend I'm going to be your friend but if you cheated on me I ain't going to even lie I'm not going to be your friend I'm not trying to cut you off but I am not going to be your friend fresh after a break up I don't that's what I'm saying this is what this is about I cannot be your friend fresh after a break up but people are doing it people are pretending that they're okay with it so that means they're not living in their truth or trying to heal some people don't have no feelings that way because they felt numb from the previous so they're nonchalant and they don't care and being raised by males in my family by six of them I watch my uncles do a lot I watch my father do a lot and knowing what a woman endures at a young age when I got older I'm like oh what? now I'm that age I'm like whoa that's crazy I went through that and that's what they were talking about when I was younger and to see it and be like okay but when a person don't care and they don't have an ounce of love for you I mean an ounce of love they say they love you but really don't have an ounce of love for you and they want you to stay around they words speak volumes they most speak volumes so you can't be their friend afterwards because you just spoke so much volume like you really wish that you really that is what I'm saying but in the same token I believe in God reveals everything at his own time that's true so when God reveals stuff to you you listen you pay attention we just be so naive and we're like okay it ain't no such thing I mean it be like red flags okay y'all want to call it real flags I call it what it is a spade is a spade being a real true friend after every relationship it comes from growth you gotta have growth because that growth gotta come within you and you gotta have growth because when you walk in that you gotta heal you got to grow right you walk in the next season with that next relationship and that next relationship ain't gonna be like the last or ain't gonna be like the you know what I'm saying the one after that you gotta know like okay this is an experience for me because I'm getting ready whenever he got he's getting ready that's right you gotta say it girl you're so silly a lot of men they be so hurt you know what I'm saying they don't know how to pour into or they don't know how to have and a lot of men I'm gonna be honest don't have the same outlet as women you know they don't got that same comfort zone as we do and it's sad so when they get with a real woman and she show and she care and she nurturing she got your back and she holding you down and the first time you and her get in an argument and you go off on her and you know what I'm saying discredit her or you turn around degrade her all that all that because you build up from the past yeah you done messed up my whole friendship with somebody yeah but but this is what I'm saying this is what I'm saying everything you saying I totally understand but what I'm saying is that there are people out there that have broken up that have never healed that say that they are friends now like immediately after they're friends I mean like immediately immediately after a relationship I don't believe in that I don't agree with that and everything that is supposed to grow has a process some people want to grow and they can say that they do but they don't take the steps to move forward because they are comfortable or they're scared or they're insecure you understand what I'm saying? and then a lot of people that you know they're still friends and that you know what I'm saying they just they just feel like okay I ain't got nobody so I guess we gonna be friends because I can't get nobody else oh shit well child listen I may not have nobody I could be sitting in a dark room by myself but I got an imagination that'll run wild okay so anybody out there that's listening let us know shout us out in the comments hit us up let me put you back on back on so I can answer some questions but we're gonna watch another clip now you've seen a couple clips from a lot of black brothers you've seen one from a sister and I wanted to make sure that this was multicultural so that you can get some insight from other people so let's check these other two coaches out hang out with somebody and you're really good friends with them say you've been going out with somebody and you're really good friends with them and you're no longer romantically interested does that mean friendships off the table for exes? temporarily for now take a few months to truly get over them once you're truly over them and you know that because it's not tugging at you in that way you want to be friends it doesn't hurt to be friends go at it but the majority of people once it gets there are like that's gonna be complicated I don't need that friendship friend excuse and I say excuse because it is an excuse at the beginning it's just no I can be friends without actually having my guts ripped out every time I talk to them and no you can't not at the beginning right and that is my this right here is what I live by and some people may call me selfish or whatever it may be but if I have a great rapport with you as a like if our relationship and we broke up and it wasn't toxic but we just know that it wasn't right I will approach you and say you know what I need some space and time you know I'm I just can't you know this that and the other and I may not talk to you for some years because I need that space and time to grow or I might just not I mean I don't really need and need to give anybody an exclamation I can just move on about my life which sometimes that's also what I do and then if I see that person or if that person wind up reaching out or if it's a social media situation where you know I may have unfriended that person to you know get over that person and things may happen and we reconnect then I know that I'm in a healed space where I'm not I don't have those type of romantic feelings anymore if that makes sense so now we can converse we can talk we can chat we can dap it up but that's my motto when it comes to that but what I'm saying is that I see a lot of people in this new generation where and I don't know if it's because it's the hookup culture or it's just more of a modern connection I'm just a traditional woman I'm just going to be honest so my outlook is different I don't feel like you need to immediately jump into something but I also don't feel like you need to remain friends with somebody that you literally just broke up with you know what I'm saying because you haven't given that person space you haven't received space to try to get over things or try to figure out what is happening and the only reason that you guys will remain try to remain in each other's orbit in space is because you're not done with each other that is all I can say about that like but people be like no I'm trying to date I'm trying to move on how are you trying to move on like you still got you still connecting with this person you still conversing with this person it depends on the person sometimes you can be in a relationship and you are already mentally gone you are already mentally gone you are already mentally and sexually gone from that person so why you want to still be in their orbit some people just want to be around for beneficial reasons because they need some benefits oh okay but shawty I'm saying some people be you know holding on hoping that things get better and it doesn't right that's what I'm saying when they do break up y'all be thinking about like y'all be thinking about that person like oh sex with who what? so you wish you could you should have thought about that but we cool you want me to call somebody for you and I done did that before like let me call somebody I got somebody for you I'll call somebody for you shit call somebody shit come over here and it's I don't know it's for real cause it's I mean it's sad cause it's a lot of people nowadays feel like you really can't be friends with your exes cause y'all doing something or a female can't have a boy best friend or a male can't have a girl best friend and it's just so much you can yeah so much is going on with society or whatever and I was at work the other day and I was flipping through this little book I got I'm reading it and came across I want my relationship private just like private school hmm mm-hmm so I was like if people pay for that tuition a lot of relationships would be much better but so public and make it harder for others and then you got some people that are friends and I mean truly truly are good friends after a relationship is because somebody wasn't grown in their relationship you know somebody wasn't you know their mind wasn't on the same page as others and you got some people that really just they want to be around just to pray that you don't get another relationship yeah they want to stop you from they want to stop you from that's what I was saying they want to stop you from growing they want to they want to they want to stay on your mind it's kind of like a game you know what I'm saying they want to stay on your mind they don't want you to move on they'll give you bits and pieces you know of making you feel like they want you but that's what I'm saying that's that that modern yeah but what you question of breaking up and trying to remain friends but it's a hidden agenda yeah but what you said earlier you know what I'm saying if we gonna be friends we gonna be friends I ain't trying to hook up with you right I'm not trying to do none of that we cool we can talk you want to talk about your problems I'll talk about my problems if it's something like work or you know I got a job somebody hiring you know if we could be friends if you know somebody fix a car I need a car fixed or you need something for like a job or something like that okay fine I'm cool with all that but I'm not looking to get back with you I'm not looking to I'll go back to where we used to be because if you wasn't trying to fix it end the relationship and then we broke up then that means yeah you know what I'm saying and then if you stay gone over six months that means we weren't meant to be together no way no I'm not going to say that because people if you stay gone over six months and you working on healing and becoming a better person growing evolving and even if God bring y'all back together because both of y'all now have been in a space where y'all able to you know have a certain level of growth and have evolved that's different that's different but I'm going to need space I'm not you are not my friend after a breakup I don't care I cannot be friends with nobody after a breakup even a female if we cool you got to give me some time sis they probably need their space I need time that's me because I'm a I'm an empath I'm a highly sensitive individual sometimes you see a person you just look at and don't even speak it's because it's like it ain't nothing to say I mean it's something to say but I'll speak but it ain't nothing to say after that but yeah yeah and some of these it's just mm-hmm like friends friends the real definition of friends is not the definition of today mm-hmm the ones that I just showed is yeah that's not the definition maybe Oxford a little bit because it does say something about the sexual part of it but okay don't be do not be over eager to reconnect that was one of the things we were talking about but let me bring this other clip up to stay friends after the breakup this is something that we hear all of the time and we generally advise against let me tell you why first off we want you to be authentic with yourself we want you to be real with your desires for what you want out of the relationship next we want you to consider what would it mean to be friends with an ex would it mean listening to their romantic pursuits would it mean watching them in other relationships this can be really challenging for you emotionally especially if you're trying to heal from that separation now I will say there are certain communities that are more likely to stay friends this includes the LGBTQIA plus community along with small towns so there are certain circumstances where maybe there's some differences but for the most part we do not advise to stay friends with an ex okay she said small towns so we gonna give Flynn a pass we gonna give Fly City a pass she said LGBTQIA in small towns usually they break up and they become friends right after and maybe small town okay but I guess I've been lived in big bigger cities for so long my whole thought process is totally different from that because I agree with exactly what she was saying about you know it's an emotional thing you cannot like you can't you can't you can't you can't you can't you can't you can't you can't you can't you can't you can't you can't you can't you can't you can't you can't you can't you can't you 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