One of the signs of madness

The speaker discusses their habit of talking to themselves and making recordings, which they suspect may be a sign of madness. They explore the benefits and vulnerabilities of sharing these recordings with others. They also reflect on the value of self-reflection and the limitations of communication with others. The speaker contemplates the idea of knowing oneself and the connection between character, ego, and personality. They express a desire to let go of societal expectations and discover their true self. They have always said one of the signs of madness is talking to yourself. I've always heard that expression. I talk to myself all the time. Well, I don't just talk to myself, I make recordings, but it's essentially the same and I've often suspected that there may be, there is some kind of madness. It's an interesting thing. It's not something I worry about. It's not something I care about even. But it's better than thoughts going round my head. I don't really have thoughts going round my head. A lot of the time I don't think. Thinking becomes like a tool. Sometimes it's useful to work something out, but actually it's much easier if I speak out loud. But if I just speak out loud, I've got to listen to what I'm saying if I'm talking out loud so that I might understand something. But if I'm recording it, I don't have to worry because I can always listen back and I can hear what I said. Or I can just concentrate on saying it, on speaking. Well, that seems to make more sense. That seems to make a lot of sense. Does that still indicate madness? Maybe. But it seems to be something that I can use. Now, the second part is, then, if I have recorded something and if I'm not talking to someone directly as a way of communicating instead of writing do I need it to be heard? Should I even have it heard? Is it something that ought to be heard by someone else? And if it is, is it good for me? It can make me feel vulnerable. I have made recordings that I feel I want to share with this person. I wasn't talking to them, but having spoken, I want them to hear it. And then having said it, I now feel vulnerable. Like I really opened myself up in a way that will make it matter what comes back, if anything. If nothing comes back, that can affect me. If something unexpected comes back, that can affect me. And this is the result of having opened myself up which, had I not done so, I wouldn't be in this situation. Yes, occasionally something comes back that encourages me but then I'll go through the same experience the next time and then the time after that. So, I don't really share these recordings much or at least very rarely and to very, very few people, if at all. I no longer experience that vulnerability especially with one person who I share with. I never worry that what I've said will result in the loss of our friendship. I'm not talking about things that should. And there isn't anything that I haven't talked about really that she doesn't already know. When I'm used to experiencing my thoughts unexpectedly, the subject matter, what I bring up it's not always strictly personal but often it is. And if it's not specifically to her in other words, it doesn't involve me responding to something specific about her or her life then I can make it public in a sense even though that's only a technicality because no one is listening. They could, but no one is. Whereas if it's a much more private correspondence then I can unlist it. It's not listable. It's not listed so no one else could find it even if they look. Right? Well, that's good. I like having that choice and I do use it. But if I'm sitting here alone and I'm not going out and I'm not in company I'm not speaking to anybody, I'm not going to see anybody I can fill up the time with entertainment, media, YouTube, videos the usual things, the usual choices that people have or I can read or I can just sit here quietly with my own thoughts but I've thought all I can think for now I don't have to think, I don't have to keep going over and over things that I have thought about or looked at but don't haven't reached the conclusion that they're not resolved I don't have to keep going over it I can every so often, it's OK, reflect on it now how do I think about, how do I feel about this idea now as the person I am now that can often elicit something else and that's interesting but it's kind of like an ongoing process I don't know if I ever conclude anything but there are realisations that can arrive and that's nice, that makes the process work it reveals it works do I need to make a recording? sometimes I make this talk knowing that it exists and I can listen to it and it can be shared so knowing that it has possibility which is important but having actually said it just spoken at the end I feel different it isn't something I need to share because it's almost like one might be writing in a diary and usually the person writing the diary doesn't share each day of the diary with other people it's private, it's just a journal I don't have anything to hide I will talk about anything if I can I had a year with a therapist on the phone once a week for most of it and did and I realised there was benefit I benefited greatly from being able to do that have the time not to feel rushed week after week after week after week just keep doing it not even necessarily continuing what was said before don't always remember but just bringing up what was relevant now and knowing that I'm talking to someone who's listening to me who's with me for this hour and who might say something I can't expect while talking into this recorder is great and there's a freedom to explore a thought to go wherever it takes me and I won't be interrupted unless the battery runs out but no one can interrupt me no one can respond which might take me in a different direction which might help me clarify that's what the therapist did or could do so I appreciated it but having done all that and now that's finished not that, oh, I'm cured I'm better, I don't need therapy I don't actually but maybe I would still benefit from psychiatry you know a really experienced someone, I don't know still would like to do it, still would be open to it this therapist was, you know lower end of experience but she was perfect for what I needed but even while I was having that doing that, I was still recording things I just couldn't share them with her it would have been inappropriate really and I never met her never once going to her office and then eventually being nowhere near where she worked anyway but this feeling of talking to myself in this state of solitude rather than just being in this state of solitude that if I have a thought or if I have a feeling to explore a thought if I don't do it I mean it sort of nudges at me it's constantly there so part of it is just to stop that so that it's not constantly doing it I'll get it out I'll record it and then it's done and then afterwards I feel lighter sometimes there's more to say and there may be a second or more recordings from it but usually it's just that I have lightened that it's out, so there's nothing pushing at me to continue and then I make a choice of whatever is available in my normal watch something, read, go online whatever it is because I'm no longer burdened by the urge to do this and it's not really a burden mostly, almost always I enjoy it it's not a chore, it's not oh no, alright I'll talk I'm happy to do it because I can't talk like this in real time, in real life I can't sit like this with say somebody over there because they're not listening they wouldn't be listening most people can't listen but if they wouldn't be listening they would also be talking and so instead of just speaking I'm also listening and listening is a different frequency to speaking so I wouldn't be doing this I couldn't do this and while a conversation can be wonderful with somebody of like mind about a subject that is interesting and could really get into it and you've given yourself the time to be together so that a real sense of having engaged is felt it's so rare it's been so long since that has happened in any meaningful way in a way that I can recognise that as far as I'm concerned it doesn't exist and this is all I have and this allows communication in a way that isn't usual and if it is listened to by somebody who I have become close to by doing this they know me in a way that no one else really could does that matter? I don't know and it's not like I have evidence that they know me because it's not really visible but they do as much as I have said obviously there is always more that could be said there are things that haven't been said not because they're private or secret just because it hasn't they haven't come out it hasn't it's not relevant there's been no inspiration for it I don't know what I've not said but there's many things that could be said so it's hard to say if what has been said is enough to cause someone to really feel like they know me I'm not sure I know me I suppose I must do to some degree and that is the point I'm attempting to know me know thyself it has been said seems to be a very important aspect to a true spiritual journey know thyself in order to know myself I have to let go of anything that isn't me that doesn't actually reflect me as a person that's a process and it takes a long time even just to start with that process to have an intention to do that it's not easy to let go of all the structure that builds up that comes to be known as me my character my personality oh he's quite a character what does that mean? a character a created idea a manufactured illusion of an idea that is acceptable and accepted by others who even like because they are entertained or pleased by or enjoy being in its presence but where did it come from? and could that character have been a different character? could something happen to change the character? did something happen to alter it along the way? why are some people not characters at all? so for me there's an intertwining of this idea of character and ego and if one is attempting to lower, lessen the ego to remove it, reduce it then so must the character so must the personality as well because as soon as one is personable and character filled so the ego must expand as a result to feel, to be simple all of that has to go too it's not obvious who I am and it's certainly not obvious from the outside or even less obvious from the outside because there are fewer signs fewer signals that make it easy to recognise so, oh, he's a real character means that it's very obvious what kind of traits are on display and recognisable so that it is clear I get it in many ways because I recognise that it is constructed I can't be a character or I can't develop a character or exhibit a character because it isn't me it would be for effect, it would be for attention, it would be for recognition it would result in liking or sympathy or whatever it is as a result of whatever someone else is looking for as well an indication to them of whether they would want more of me which would therefore mean that if they do I would have to maintain that character be that character more often so that it becomes who I am which isn't actually true it's just who I'm being how I've been in a sense a kind of mask it has its use it has generated friendship or relationship or experience interaction it has connected it has given me experience but I can't sustain it forever because it was a construct in the first place and I need to change change is going to happen whether I want it or not but I need to, it is part of the journey to change, if I'm holding on to one specific expression of myself as a pattern locking in because that is what is familiar to everybody around me who believes they know who I am then I'm holding myself back and the only way to continue forward would be to either break the character to be somebody else to let go of those people so that I am not around any expectation of how I'm supposed to be and what it looks like what it normally looks like I'm not creating a dissonance in anybody I recognised that a long time ago I should be around new people all the time in order to avoid that rigidity but I can't be around new people in fact it's easier to not be around people at all, then I don't have to keep replacing those people with other people or feeling like I am locked in an idea of who I am that they have created that I can't seem to avoid that it is in fact the way someone else sees me that actually creates me that defines me because that's how they see me they see me that way based on a number of things but if I'm to be around them and that is how they see me that is who I am and either if I resist it or avoid it or scatter it I can't be around them they wouldn't want to be around me it would create a dissonance so I allow it I accept it I become it I actually enhance it because it makes it easier to be around them if they're very happy with who I am and how I am enjoying my company that's easy so it makes more sense that I continue to do things that make sure that continues but it's only a part of who I am when I was younger I really struggled to be who I am around the different people that I felt myself with because of that adaptation so I knew it would be really uncomfortable if I was ever in the same moment with two different people who maybe didn't know each other but I was never around as a group it was always one on one it was always a separate experience I wouldn't know how to be because I couldn't be who they needed me to be when I also needed to be who the other person needed me to be at the same time I thought this is ridiculous I have to be a part of these ideas so that I can be myself no matter who I'm with I am like that now that I can meet different people in the same moment very rarely happens but I could technically meet people that I know or who know me who have never met and be the same person with both of them at the same time without it causing me a problem because I have been myself more clearly with them there's nothing hidden I'm not making anything up I'm speaking the truth I am this experience and I have nothing to hide so that's a big a big step a big difference in many ways and I still don't feel like I've reached that point where I can just be who I am I struggle once emotion come into play I don't know how to process it I don't know how to deal with it I don't always recognize it they have a word for it it's called alexithymia I didn't know I had it but when I came across that word and it's meaning I realized that I do experience what it refers to so that makes things just so difficult that unless I am in a sense free personality still I'm going to easily lose myself that all I need to be is around somebody enthusiastically encouraging me to be with them in a certain way seeing me a certain way and before I know it I am exactly who they think I am I confirm it I make it clear so it's obvious there's no doubt they are certain and I go forward from there knowing that I am wearing a mask that I am not what I seem to be and anything else has to remain hidden lest it be seen as being misrepresented of me manipulated of me lie of me it's quite difficult to do because I do want to be myself and be authentic myself with the people I might be around and realize I can't then I can't be around people even my experience with Kay and Eliza has that element of mask in it then there is familiarity and less expectation of how I am but I am still familiar to them in a way that also doesn't include much of what they cannot see and also because I recognize that that must be in the other two that I can only see what I can see and understand what I can understand so there must be quite a lot missing that would create a different picture were it visible I can't know who I am with either so I must assume that I can't make assumptions about them I have to be careful and that is assisted tremendously by not having a character by not playing a part because it might create laughter I used to try to make the funny be the comedian say something that would create a laugh I like it but in doing so I am a character oh he's a funny character yeah you'll like him he's always saying funny things yes but it's not real it might explain why many of those who even make it into you know public recognition are really struggling often underneath they're dealing with depression and all kinds of things because their experience is a front it's a fake it's a character and it works people love them they are successful but something is price to pay as a result that's why I'm much more drawn to the monk the mystic the spiritual seeker who's not looking to develop character and personality I mean some do but my experience of the ones who don't feels realer they may be able to say things that are funny but they don't have to be funny sometimes they're not even intending to be funny but people still laugh I've had that it's quite a strange experience why are you laughing what's funny I'm not being funny but yet something they are seeing makes them laugh not having a character I don't know if it's when I say not having a character this person talking right now is a character if I didn't have an ego I wouldn't be able to express myself in a way that you would recognize I have to have some kind of structure through which it works that's how life here works and yet I have let go of so much of how I've been and who I've been while there is a fundamental aspect of me that somehow is not is still there perhaps that is who I am but yet in order to even recognize him it is filtered through that ego character so whatever it is I see isn't it whatever I might do or say or express it isn't it I don't think I can know it like that or at least not in life and if one assumes even though I can't say for certain through I have no definitive experience that I can use if I if there is more that the essence of me without the physical body perhaps would be more be closer to the idea of who I am what it is this experiencing consciousness this awareness that uniquely perceives from the perspective it has if that continues if that always exists in some form then it makes sense that that is realer than this and that's another reason why I can't see this as the be all and end all that I have to enhance this and spend my life making you know some people work really hard to keep their body in physical top physical condition it's a lot of work it's a lot of great respect to people who can be that disciplined but eventually they can't anymore and what's the purpose of it? they're not really going to enhance the longevity of their life by much we still always live roughly around the same sort of maximum time and I'm not sure that I would want to live longer in a sort of decrepit state so I don't do that and I don't do things where my body would complain really quickly that it's not prepared for that it's not trained for I don't do those things so I don't need a body that can to me the body essentially is just the housing of the conscious awareness that I experience reality through and I have to look after it to a certain degree as best I can I have to make it comfortable I have to take care of its needs and some people often fill it up with wine I have no need to do that but I often fill it up with food perhaps not of its would it be its choosing and sometimes a bit as such life isn't that easy in many ways and so by simplifying it to its basic components while still enjoying aspects of it, getting pleasure from what other people have created I pass the time in a seemingly fairly reasonable way day by day by day getting older day by day by day I'm almost 59 59 next week one week from today in fact 59 it's just a number now it's like I remember when I was 18 and being around someone who was 25 and they seemed so old to me like so mature even though I was 18 and an adult now I still felt like a child and I often I haven't really changed now 59 next week and I'm the same essentially just with a bit more experience and a bit more wisdom perhaps as I was when I was a kid I must look older in my 50s in my late 50s perhaps you know I don't know what people see when I look in the mirror yes that is me but it doesn't look anything like the me that would have reflected back to me when I looked in the mirror when I was 18 and yet I have no doubt that that is me I see when I look in the mirror if I look at a photograph from 30 years ago one that was taken on the kibbutz the first kibbutz I went to it doesn't look like me I've shown it to a few people and they say that they would not have recognised me as me from that photograph um that's just aging or I've changed so significantly from that youthful innocent bloke who at the time seemed not innocent seemed like he you know understood the world a bit and had got things out of it and had made certain choices and so on what's the difference there are times when I think I'm just waiting to die I can't speed the process up directly but yet at the same time I'm not doing everything I can possibly do to prolong it there are times when I feel like I don't care I've done all that I can do life is essentially over because there's nothing I want or need there's no dreams or ambitions there's nothing moving me forward and then there can be a moment when suddenly I want nothing more than to do this thing that's happening now that this thing that I'm doing now that I'll be doing that I'm going towards makes it all worthwhile it's like everything is alive again so I know that I'm not depression it's not depression it is perhaps depressive perhaps it is compression everything is just come into this small space this small area that there's very little external influence and stimulation so that all I can do is this look at this internalize recognize do this that somehow this is the work this is my work this is what I do reflect and not get caught up in the world because I don't want the world and the world doesn't really pull at me so that I am distracted and can't do this work but this work seems to be an ongoing process that takes a lifetime that it's never finished it's never done it's a process and I'm in as good a place as I can be to do it and if that is the work then I'm doing it and in between the work because obviously one doesn't work all the time there's the opportunity for a break, for play for leisure for simple pleasures which I like and there we are