Nothing to say, yet
Transcription
The speaker discusses their experience of getting high on cannabis and how it affects their interactions with others. They prefer getting high alone and often have monologues where they talk to themselves, imagining having conversations with someone else. They find it difficult to connect with others and feel lonely at times. They also talk about the therapeutic aspect of speaking while high and express their desire for their recordings to be heard by others who are also high. They reflect on the importance of being genuine and not playing a part in their interactions. The speaker acknowledges that their recordings may not be of interest to many people and that they don't actively promote them. They talk about the challenges of editing their recordings and the different ways of communicating through speaking and writing. They express a longing for a deeper connection and recognition of their thoughts and experiences. For those of you who don't get high and by getting high I mean cannabis and by cannabis I don't mean something you smoke because that's a different kind of high I mean something you take edibly it's a longer lasting slower build up of altered state and I prefer it. But there is a difference between how I get high and what happens when I'm high around other people because for the most part when I get high I'm alone. I might go out into the world I might brush other people but I'm not really connecting with them I'm not conversing with them I'm not interacting properly not in a way that would be significantly different were we both getting high and spending several hours together talking about whatever happens to come up. I'm alone and I might be watching something yeah generally I might be watching something as it comes on and very quickly I stop because something comes into my brain my mind an idea that I feel I want to talk about or I should talk about something that I would talk about if there was somebody else with me and we liked talking about things but of course if I was to do that it would be a conversation rather than a monologue but it could be as I have had a series of monologues so a little monologue from me and then a little monologue from them and a little monologue from me and a little monologue from them and it could go on and each time one of us is speaking the other one is really listening they're not looking at their phone they're not going off into their own world they're really listening they're really present so that each person can make their point can explore their thought without interruption and then they allow the other person to do the same thing and somehow in that experience which normally in a conversation for me especially if I'm enjoying it if I like the subject if I like the person there is an energy to speak to and there's almost no space in between what each of us says but talking like this creates a stillness because you have to really listen and it's not that I necessarily agree with everything they say or that the moment they say something that I could say something in response to I have to jump in it's a nice feeling anyway because I don't have that I get to monologue and I do it this way and they share it and you think about it and you get to reply also a monologue you might not usually don't speak it you'll write it but you can take as long as you like and you only send it when it's ready when you're happy with it when you've said all that you're wanting to say and usually that's it I might reply to that I like that at this but it doesn't tend to continue it doesn't go on into a conversation even though it takes time to have it because it's at a distance this kind of reminds me of playing chess with somebody who's not in front of you that we both have boards you make a move you tell the other person the move they put it on their board and then they tell you when they've made a move and it could go on for ages and lots of things can happen in between it's not that you're both sitting at the board on the other side of the world that one person might go out go to work do other things and only when they're ready to send the move you get the move and so on no one is expecting it to happen any faster than it does but when I get high coming back to why I started this I see things like this I don't know that that's what I'm seeing I don't know I'm seeing this until I start talking about it I don't know that this is what I want to talk about or this is where it will go I have no idea but the feeling I have says start talking and in most cases I can if I'm out it's why I don't do it so much I don't stay out much because sometimes when I'm out I could be here or there and I get that feeling and now what do I do do I try to hold it do I start to have that conversation that monologue internally which seems wrong somehow because it's lost it's finished do I try to record there and then which I have done before dealing with elements of wind and whatever other people it's not ideal so the best time for me to have a thought like that is when I absolutely can act on it like here I don't interact with many people I don't try to interact with many people and if I'm not careful I can interact with the wrong person I have to be careful about that I can't define exactly what the wrong person is but I always feel it soon after I've done that I can't just send anybody a recording of my thought process I'd like to think I can I'd like to think that if I received a recording a message especially if I haven't had one from you before I'm going to really listen to it but I know that if I received a message I'm going to really listen to it if somebody's taken the time to talk to me to actually sit down and let out their thoughts about how they feel about something and they want me to hear it I'm bloody well going to listen really well because that's what I do anyway if I want to listen to something if I'm really interested in something I give it my full attention or as much as I can I don't put something on and do something else I don't try to do several things at the same time I won't put things on and then do housework I just will finish what I need to do and then give it my full attention to me that's the best way to really understand to enjoy to connect with whatever's there I don't know how you listen different people over my sharing life listen differently most don't do that some did some have but that doesn't mean they always did but most don't listen well that's just the way it is it's a strange thing to communicate this way I have not come across other people who do it I have encouraged one or two people to try and it seems to have worked and I really liked it especially at first trouble is it's I get spoiled by it I like it so much in the sense because it's so unusual that I want to reply to it immediately and it encourages them to reply to that and very quickly it's almost an obligation unlike writing you have to sort of flow all in one moment I don't do this over a period of time it's generally one expression in time whereas writing you can do it all as much you know it can be spread out you can edit you can think about it you can pop a bit in here or there it's a very different way of communicating and I used to do that for the most part all the time I realized that I spent so much time doing that editing adjusting it reading it especially if I had written something I really liked it would actually occupy so much of my time at first I thought great you know I'm doing time we all have time to fill I really enjoy doing something I love and the time just disappears but actually it was a lot of work a lot of energy and I ended up interfering with the original spirit it was never an original writing because it needed editing it needed adjusting but my speaking never does the other day I just I thought I ought to edit that I don't need to include that bit I'll take that bit out makes sense why have you here something that just isn't necessary when I look on all the YouTube things I watch they're always edited jumps it's not it's even really obvious jump jump jump but you don't know what was missing so that's what they want you to hear and I just let that go but I often wonder what was taken out of there why was it removed so I tried to edit something before I uploaded it and when I tried to do it it just didn't work it all went wrong it didn't sound right it was I really oh my god this is a lot of work and I'm not actually achieving anything that I'm happy with well I'll just have to leave it as I've always left it original untouched here it is this is what I said this is how I said it this is what happened that is better isn't it and yet hardly anybody hears this that's just as much my fault I don't promote it I don't constantly make people aware of it it doesn't seem right I would much be I would much prefer someone just find it by chance or choose to look rather than sending links here listen to this listen to this what about this one just look and see what's there because you want to and then you find something and you listen to it and you like it hopefully and then you listen to something else hopefully and then if I'm really lucky you say something you respond you show you were there you like it little comment big comment that something to make me realize it it's earthed it's been listened to and you've got it you liked it you connected to it it meant something and you're continuing you're adding something fantastic love that that doesn't happen very often for me just one person here and there will do that for a while and then it stops and then it doesn't feel right anymore and then I don't send things anymore it's as if it's all been said or whatever connection can come from it is done and by connection I don't mean you know romantic or or partnership just it's what that feeling of being in the moment with someone and it feeling good to do to explore perhaps it is a kind of relationship and some last longer and some are shorter and not all relationships are physical and then you move on I've never been good at that in the physical sense very bad in fact physically but can deal with it so much easier in the virtual world can just stop talking and most often it works just I don't talk anymore I don't send a link anymore and nobody says hey what's happened haven't heard from you for ages you know missed hearing you got any new recordings got any no one ever does that and also it naturally dissipates and I am often finding myself alone like I can speak but no one to speak to and there is a difference between saying things that could be heard by anybody and saying things for somebody specifically big difference even though what may be said to somebody specifically could be relevant to somebody else and be heard by them but generally if I share things that are specific they are unlisted in the site so anybody who goes to the site to listen to my things won't see those specific personal things it's nice to have that choice but unfortunately unlike something like a YouTube where you can subscribe and you can also ask to be notified when something new is published this site all the audio sites don't do that so it means that somebody has to know about my place and they have to think about me and go and see if there's anything to listen to it would be lovely to have people do that I don't even know what would constitute a reasonably interesting number of people who do that but because I've only ever had one or two maybe three people at any one time but usually only one or two and usually just one or mostly none who actually actively do that on a continuous basis I don't know what that must be like could it be that just my thoughts are not interesting of course it could be it's not usually what I get reflected back to me from the people who have listened it doesn't feel like what I've said isn't interesting in the sense of it's well thought out or it's unusual it's and when I'm recording it when I'm talking like now it feels like it's a real thing and yet it doesn't encourage people to make me feel like they're really interested in me I see people talking about things all over the place and they experience a feeling of other people are interested in what they have to say I'm not comparing us it's different I think I'm real I think I've got interesting ideas and experiences which I talk about and share and for the most part what all that matters is what I've said well and if I like it I can upload it and while I can feel excited about thinking that someone will listen to this which can create a disappointment so if I'm looking for something then I'm also open to disappointment from not getting it but if I share it if I make it if I feel like oh this is interesting I'd like this can go into my collection I can add it to my site I haven't got anyone in mind who has to listen so it won't be earthed it'll just be it just is it's writing creating and then put it over there and then the next thing will come along at some point when I'm high I do this I talk it feels interesting for me in the moment it seems relevant it seems to be important I want to do it so it's something I want to do and I like to find things to do that I want to do I like to feel passionate about what I do this gives me that feeling but it isn't but because it isn't it doesn't elicit a reaction a response that has the same energy it must be that that the fact that it is being created from a high perspective it would really need to be heard by somebody also high so that they could connect with the that energy responding to it Lou was somebody who did that he used cannabis all the time partly medicinally to assist with his seizures and partly recreationally because he liked it everything was done everything would be done in an altered state I used to do that because I was in the world in a way that and around people who were also using it so it was absolutely fine for me to do so but now I'm not around people who use it I'm around people who would take drugs and do take alcohol but I don't connect with them or relate to them and I'm not I don't take alcohol myself and I don't really like the company of people who are taking alcohol excessively even a little bit can be it it makes me feel like I'm not really comfortable I much prefer the company of other cannabis users but I don't have that I know a person a couple of people one person in particular who does use but he also only uses alone he doesn't use with me I've never had an experience I've known him over 20 years I've never had an experience where we've got high together while I have had experiences of getting high with many people who aren't necessarily a friend but in this moment it's fine it's been a long time since I've lived with someone and got high with them and realise and talk and connected in a way that just feels great that changes what I experience entirely in fact if I'm having conversations like that I'm not really making recordings there's nothing else to say I get I'm not frustrated there's no build up of there's no need for me to look I'm happy so maybe this which comes about once the cannabis effect has taken place is a kind of therapy without a therapist you're not a therapist because you don't have to you're not meant to you won't necessarily even see it that way which perhaps explains why those people who do listen to my recordings don't give me back what I might be looking for albeit unconsciously because I can't say what it is I'm looking for but I suspect that I am looking for something because I know that if I got it I'd recognise it and I suppose it's not a person to say it is a feeling yeah it's a feeling and having that feeling with someone at distance even if it's someone I might not have actually met physically ensures that I can't act on it because that feeling is so connecting to me in the in the present it has definitely been responsible for sexual encounter expressing that feeling physically because it's almost natural to do so very quickly though I realised that it's not an expanding of the feeling it's actually a contracting of it the limiting of it because the physical is not the highest spiritual experience sex is not anywhere near that feeling that I'm looking for even though somehow at this time I am still susceptible to its temptations maybe just because I haven't had it for a long time and often you know the taste of something that you've not eaten for ages can seem amazing rather than having eaten it all the time it becomes boring and normal bland even you just want the taste of something else but when I'm high all of this seems clearer I recognise it that actually it matters more that I look at this in a way that I can listen to it even if I'm the only audience member that I am initially the speaker and then I become the listener and when I listen I listen to me speaking in the same way that I would listen to anybody else speaking and give it my full attention I really listen and I do it in such a passive open way that I get to hear what it is I need to hear but I had to talk to myself in order to do it is that interesting to other people maybe if you really know me if you love me if you have a real caring feeling for me maybe you're really interested in what I go through or maybe it's just momentarily interesting because it's a bit different a bit fresh and then it becomes a bit stale even though I have reduced the length of my recordings considerably compared to previous times in my life they may still be too long to keep repeating people want very small things five minutes six minutes eight minutes tops mine can go on longer than that because I have to feel I can't feel under pressure I suppose technically I could cut them in half I'm sure there's a point where I can cut part one part two rather than keep the whole thing but then there's a momentum it is continuous there's no break there's no pause so I'm manipulating it for a particular reason because I think something now I'm beginning to interfere with it again and the original spirit is being messed with and I'm not to do that so it has to stand as it is and so if ultimately I can say that I am actually just talking to myself and that sharing it is a by-product of that because it exists then it not only can't it matter shouldn't it matter it won't matter what comes back from that because that's not important that actually it's about me recognising something that only that can only be recognised by getting it out I don't know that I need to recognise it until I've actually got it out and now once it's out it's captured just checking and I can now listen to it back pause it if necessary while I think about it and almost never listen to anything more than once and often I'm listening to it half deciding whether it's good enough to share but if I stop that because clearly it doesn't make any difference it's only is it interesting to me is it really is it good does it speak to me maybe I can upload it and put it there because it might be relevant in in the future somebody else might appreciate it and great but I can't want it I can't need it I can't look for it I can't imagine it or send something try to look like because it seems like that's what I do I become the idea of somebody that you might be interested in listening to because ultimately I'm looking for your connection and if I'm doing that then it could be that on some level I'm lonely and this is my way of doing it but really I'm not doing it in a way that's designed to pull you in and so you don't feel like I'm doing that and then you're not pulled in but if I speak to somebody if I send something with the agenda if you like of maybe this will pull you in well then I'm being disingenuous then I'm playing a part and I can't do that and I've done it before in my life and of course it ends in tears because I'm not real and so it cannot ever end up being real and that's the irony I'm looking for something that's real no doubt you know it when you see it you know it when you feel it it's real but I can't find it unless I'm real why would I find it if I'm not real it wouldn't be real so better not to find it at all than find something that makes it look like it is real but actually it isn't real at all is it okay to just play with the best I've got at this time I think so or it seems so but the fact that something is missing maybe indicates it's not and it's not easy for me to end things to stop doing something especially something I've been doing for a while that I'm used to that gives me something that's better than nothing as if well that's all I'm worth I'm only worth a very small amount of interaction everything else all the rest must take up a larger proportion because there's so much more of it that there's not actually much left for what seems to me would be important if it was important like I would I would feel like I am important I matter and I suppose I must be looking for that which means a self-esteem issue and that makes a lot of sense and even my best friend who died who we spoke every day sometimes twice a day three times a day for years and in most cases the majority of our interaction had great depth to it at some point maybe not every message but there would be messages that could be quite lengthy on a regular basis that would be profound and we would continue engaging in that subject until it just was done and it could be many many replies back and forth for a particular idea until it's done could be done quick could be done slow but only when it was done if there was more relevance to say it would trigger more flow of it it was wonderful years got to experience that on subjects of all kinds personal esoteric philosophical and I had a forum I created just for that purpose so that the two of us could talk there were other people invited from time to time who were there for a while but ultimately they all went for one reason or another it's just me and him and because it was me and him not me and her there was no possibility of a sexual tension there was nothing missing physically so that didn't interfere in any way shape or form and he had actually let go of physical desires like that for a long time but yet was sort of having them slightly rekindled because he was finally in the relationship with the woman with the family that actually truly loved him and made him feel like he mattered most interesting ironically he died not that long after really because in a sense I reckon it was he was done now that he didn't have to look after himself do it himself be himself his purpose his whole reason for being was finished he was just looked after as the patient the loved one so he went I can I can understand why while I was with him we also did that kind of talking that we had done online but we had such few opportunities to do that because there were too many other people around and that could only be done in with us and yet unfortunately being able to talk virtually was impossible now because we were sitting next to each other even though we could technically have done that would have made no difference it's just that the talking in real time just transcended it in a way that it couldn't be recovered even after I left we didn't speak like we did anymore he died a few weeks after I left so it didn't go on for long but I knew something had changed could feel it so being high gives me the opportunity to look at myself look at my life speak the truth listen to myself telling myself the truth hearing the truth reflecting on the truth at the last point of that I make it available in case somebody else is interested but it turns out they're not really getting to hear it or are wanting to so it is really just for me it just seems I have a recording I ought to do something else with it I'm nothing if not versatile I'm not making it for you I'm making it for me and I'm sharing it with you and that is different I've not really done that I've not been doing that but that moment that I shift into talking to you as if I need something from you when actually all I need is to be heard it still puts it on it still creates a barrier it isn't something that it seems people want to listen to even Lou he didn't really deal with my recordings well I did send him one or two here and there and he sort of responded but it was almost not nothing like the kind of response he could give to something written and I could write my fingers would flow the keyboard everything would be just almost no editing no editing needed with him his work was unedited sometimes difficult to read through the grammatical and typo errors but it didn't matter he still got it but I haven't been doing that haven't had anyone to do that with since my keyboard stopped working properly so that I couldn't do that I can't use I can't type anymore I don't type anymore I might speech to text I haven't done that for a long time either it's only talking now it's only talking and when I'm not high unless unless there's something very specific to say I don't speak I don't have the feeling of needing to then the few interactions I might have just naturally around me are not interesting so I don't make them interesting so that I don't have to have them very long I just am in silence doing my thing filling in time doing time knowing in a sense that when I feel like it's time to take the cannabis I'm going to talk now I'm going to talk now I'm going to talk about something that matters I can really get into it in a way that I could never do in a conversation why should I assume that I will always dominate it actually but rarely do conversation it's usually the other person I'm responding to them because I'm really listening and so I ask questions I get involved I'm not so good at talking about myself in situations like that if somebody asks me a question then I have permission to talk about myself but I'm not comfortable doing it not like this because I can't talk like this with other people I can only talk like this to myself so maybe some people say talking to yourself is a sign of madness but that's okay I don't mind being mad I think I have been mad for a long time but it's not a kind of the kind of insanity where I need looking after it is something that I can deal with the world and yet spend the vast majority of my time in another and yet somehow can't let go I can't let go of this world and if I try to let go of this world something reaches out to me to keep me here to hold me here to give me a reason to make to give me something to focus on that continues that keeps it real for me but yet at the same time I keep wanting to let it go and I don't mean suicidal I don't mean I'm looking and planning my demise just let it go so that I don't think about it so that it doesn't exist for me so that it isn't real more and more and more I still go into it I still use it I still take advantage of it I don't have to I do but I don't have to and I've also noticed I've been letting go of that a bit more and the feeling of actually I need to it will be there if I it would still be there but yet if I let it go I won't want to go back into it because I will have detached from the desire to have what I was previously having that I've found another way that I have I'm just doing me that actually people don't see me very often right now I'm seen regularly coming in going but actually I would prefer it if they don't see me very often but it's been ages since they've seen me they don't know what I'm doing and I actually am not doing anything that involves them that I'm just doing this but sometimes I feel not bored exactly but unsettled I'm not content I'm not happy to just be in this moment and nothing else is needed right now this is exactly where I want to be there isn't anywhere I would rather be there's nowhere else I'm going to be or have to go I have all I need in here I don't need to move the van somewhere else I've tried that don't like it or maybe I just didn't go to the right somewhere else but still I don't need to because the curtains are drawn my eyes are closed I've often got earplugs in I could be anywhere the world outside is still of use acquiring water and so on I don't need to look for it I can just go get it I even found the other day a tap available 24 hours a day of mains water so I don't have to take the water from that spring which is only available when the park is open the park is closed by nine o'clock at the latest and doesn't open until eight o'clock in the morning and while the water having it is great having access to one that's 24 seven just makes more sense doesn't it but I've discovered that there are taps all over the place all I have to do is start looking for them and I start finding them outside people's houses and things like that and it's perfectly easy to just go up fill up a water bottle done there is a freedom I haven't started to explore at all I have been so in a sense afraid of having to deal with the world I have recognised that sort of afraid of having to deal with it as actually I don't want to that driving around is the last thing I would want to do even giving the van a bit of a workout every week very early on a Sunday morning just to loosen it up and make it remember that it is a van after all so that I can because it's so early and no one else is around I can put it straight back into my little spot carry on and that's all I want to do I don't want to if I have to go down to the petrol station to fill up which I don't have to do but that's a major undertaking which I can only do on a Saturday morning at six o'clock in the morning so I can get it filled up and get back into my little spot before anybody else is up but there is a level of experience that comes from moving motion is balanced driving somewhere even incredibly high and not feeling like I have to come back and that was the feeling I got very quickly when I tried to go the last time I enjoyed my walk on the moors I sent pictures and so on and went to the church but that was by then that was just for you to share with you because it felt connecting but the reality for me was that I very quickly knew I needed to get back I couldn't live like this I have to be somewhere I have to feel at home the van is my home but where it's parked is as important so having got that at this time feeling like I am home when I step into the van being able to deal with the world when I step out that actually stepping out less and less and less and turning to not larger and larger amounts of cannabis exactly the same amount with gaps in between so that actually can go into the world deal with the world and do things so it's like it keeps the balance so that I don't actually start to let go more to go into the wilderness I used to do that in the first van was a very powerful experience for me but I still very quickly within a day felt the need to come back I knew within an hour after I left the last time I needed to come back that's I always knew I just knew I needed to go away in order to come back so that I could truly understand why helps me to settle when I'm not having to deal with old thought structures about other things but right now in this moment I'm okay I've got all I need I am doing okay I feel okay health emotion emotion psychology I'm okay the world is always there and what I experience is not a constant experience much of it repetitive is just what I do it is the easiest most efficient thing that I can figure out to do in this moment for the things I need to do it's sort of an ongoing process it does evolve but it is in a good place which helps me to be in a good place I'm sort of half complicating things with Kay and Eliza, Eliza especially not quite sure what's going on there that's a an experience in progress I've got another one tomorrow we'll see what happens it's almost like there's a part of me that wants to do the same that I've done so many times jump in to a complicated thing I can't really handle and can't get out of and then deal with it deal with it the challenge of it is almost too much it was the last time but I don't regret it I still managed to benefit from the experience no experience is wasted I am a bit reluctant I don't really know what I'm doing I feel a little bit out of control especially there here I'm much more in control I'm in my space I control it I have it how I want it it's very important and I'm able to do this kind of talking but outside of here there is an element of out of control I don't really know what's going on or what I'm doing there's always an element of coping but I've just got used to the fact that that's how I live and I'm still seem to be doing it okay or at least that's how I seem to be doing it so that I can get back into where I feel most comfortable which is here in my little space which is I think why I had to have it nothing else would do no other situation would allow me to have the feeling I have in this moment and very soon after I finish which I'm sure will happen shortly I'll pee in a bottle one that I have freshened up recently with a little bit of bleach or sometimes I use a a sprig of hand wash and a little bit of water and shaking it to make slugs in it and then it's nice and fresh again I hate the smell of old urine but peeing in a bottle is an essential part of van life and I pop out if it's dry and pour it down the drain or if it's wet I pour it on the grass and if it's wet at the time I pour it out the window and the water that's flowing by takes it away to the drain peeing in a bottle is something I do many times in a day instead of going to the loo to use a flashing indoor plumbed thing that everyone just does take for granted I don't mind peeing in a bottle it's actually an interesting experience because unlike when I would pee at a toilet and a couple of shakes and then it goes in but you're still dribbling a bit and then you have to wash your pants your underpants more often because they get dirty what I do is I then take toilet paper and I ensure that I am completely dry might take 30 seconds just to make sure the last dribble before I put myself away so that my pants my underpants last a long time before they get that feeling before they have that I need to wash them because I don't have many and I don't have access so easily and while I can have things washed there is a service that will do it for me for free washing and drying I just give them a bag and then I pick it up a few days later I have to have enough in that bag and I can't take it for granted and I can't use everything up to fill the bag so it takes me a long time to have a bag of things so I still do it myself I still wash my smalls and then figure out the best way to dry things doesn't dry so well in the van right now but when I come across a radiator which I do from time to time I think I'll put these on there and they'll be dry the radiator has a couple of good ones I sit next to once they turn them on it will encourage me to do more smalls I think
