Making it about the money?

The speaker reflects on their relationship with money, acknowledging that it has always been important to them. They have always wanted more money, even when they had more than they needed. They value money as a symbol of choice and the ability to make decisions. They have always had enough money to meet their needs, even when they had very little. They have never been extravagant with their spending and prefer to live frugally. They contemplate the possibility of living without money, but ultimately decide that it is not something they can do. They are content with their current financial situation and feel that they have made wise choices with their money. They acknowledge the privilege of receiving an inheritance and express gratitude for it. They have learned from past mistakes and have become more responsible with their finances. They emphasize the importance of making mindful choices regardless of how much money they have. I tried not to make it about the money, to make it all about the money, but I have a feeling that I still do, and maybe I always have. It's always been about the money. Even though I've always had far more than I've ever needed, I've always wanted more before. I was never satisfied, actually acquiring money seemed more important, and then having acquired it, I wasn't that interested in spending it. And what's the point of having money if you don't spend it? It's only a symbol, it's only a possibility to acquire things that might be of use. So even though I have all I need, basically, I don't want for anything, I don't lack anything, I still make it about the money, like, it matters, money is choice, having money has always allowed me to make choices. I've never had, well even, hmm, even when I finally reached a state where I had no money, and by that I mean no savings, I was down to just what I had in my pocket and whatever I might earn from that point on, I always seemed to have enough, I could always do what I needed to do. And even when I have loads of money, I still don't do things that other people do when they have money, so it was easy for me when I didn't have money to not do those things either. Then when I had more money and I could make other choices, like take out food, I appreciated it more, because perhaps there'd been a period of time where I couldn't make that choice. But these things are all relative. When I went through my criminal period, my intense criminal period, it was about money. As I think back on my life, it's always been about money. Money brings a security, a sense of freedom. The number doesn't seem to matter, the number doesn't seem to be significant, no number ever seems to be enough, yet I always have enough. Even when the number was huge in many ways, it didn't feel like a huge number because I still acted, I still spent as if I only had a little. I don't flash, I don't waste, I am efficient, and yet having a lot in reserve means I don't have to think about it. I don't have to think, I'm going to need more, or I'm going to have to accept I won't have options like I once did. It seems like at the moment I am okay. I have the options that I need. I can do what I need to do when I need to do it. And in a sense I've always been able to do that. So as I said, the number never mattered, I always had what I needed, usually far more than I needed. But it didn't stop me acquiring, it didn't stop me still wanting not to spend it. Somehow spending it reduces it and I don't like the way that feels, even if I've got a large number of it. You know I can understand if I only had a small amount and I wasn't earning much, then being very frugal, being careful makes a lot of sense. But if you have a lot compared to how you live your life, then there's no reason to do that. Just use it, even be spontaneous, whim. I don't really do that. And if I am tempted to do that, I have to really consider whether I ought to. And then if I do, I might discover that perhaps I won't do that again, but I'm okay with making mistakes because I always do, I've always made mistakes here and there. I don't know if that would ever change, or could ever change. I suppose I've had moments in my life, periods of my life where I feel like I'm not making mistakes, that whatever choices are being made are right. And in one sense there are no wrong choices, even if the result of the choice seems to be wrong. Life is strange. So I am living cheaply, but yet at the same time I'm living in my own space, my own little place. But I'm able to do it cheaply, it allows me to live cheaply. And day by day by day I live cheaply, I don't spend a lot of money, some days I don't spend money, I like not having to spend money, I like receiving things that didn't cost me anything. And many people do, but I like it and I will go out of my way to do something that saves me money, even if it still costs me money, but I feel like it's less than it would have been otherwise, that still feels okay. I've thought about could I live without it? Would I be able to be just self-sufficient if I had a bit of land where I could grow vegetables, hunt or fish? I had the ability to set up solar panels so I'd have some electricity with batteries to store it and once I had achieved a certain basic setup then I wouldn't need any more money that I could live off the land and chop wood and carry water and let go of the money thing altogether, not have anything that I have to replace or repair, but of course solar panels don't last forever and batteries don't last forever and you would want to be in a position to rectify faults that occurred, you would want light and therefore you would... So it seems almost like well okay you could barter, you could grow things and exchange it for what you needed, there are ways to live without money if you're part of a community also doing the same, I'm sure there are people who live like that. But that doesn't seem to be something I can do, I've always had money, I've always used money, I've always benefited from it, I can't see myself ever not having it or letting it go and while in many ways I live in a cave, it is a cave that I purchased that I have to maintain and I need money for that. I don't need money day by day by day but I still have to put fuel in, I still have to insure it, I still have to have it serviced, all of that costs money. I wouldn't do this, I wouldn't have done this if I didn't think I had enough, I could have bought a van for half the price of this and then had thousands more. But somehow it turned out that this was the purchase that was made after having looked for a couple of years at different things at different times in different ways it turned out that the van that I live in was not cheap. It could have even been more expensive and yet somehow this was enough but it certainly could have been cheaper it just would have had a different experience about it and I seem to think, seem to feel that it required this kind of experience to be different to what was there before. It's not too much, I actually rejected something that was of a similar price but it seemed to provide too much for me to something much much simpler that technically isn't lived in but I can. Well people have them and stay in them but they don't live in them, it's too small, generally, there are some people but generally and I like that, that there's a simplicity about it but it still cost a lot of money and I couldn't have done anything like this without my mum's inheritance and the first van that I had which was completely wrong in many ways for what I needed it for I had really no choice because I didn't have much money so I had to accept that well at least I'm able to get something and support myself in it. This time it's a much more purpose, purpose built, intentional thing that well while nothing is perfect it seems to be supporting me. I think anything I had would support me because that in a way is a state of mind anyway but anyway this is the life I have, this is the van I live in and I have enough money to support myself and may even in at the end of this decade when I officially retire and then would receive pension that would support me completely. So all of that and I've talked about this before, I've definitely brought this up before, all of that says to me well that's okay you're doing the right thing, you're doing the best you can, nothing is perfect, you've made choices, those choices are panning out, you're still doing it, three months, over three months on, three and a half months I've been living this life and I'm still doing it. Time moves really quickly, it's hard to explain why but it seems to be moving very quickly and while like I say I don't spend money every day and I only spend a little bit here and there and top up stuff and buy bananas and whatever, money seems to be important to me, I have to have it, I must be careful with it, I can't use it as if it isn't unlimited even though in many ways there's so much of it for the life I live it's like that, I've experienced that feeling of I can spend, I can buy anything because there'll always be more of it and it encouraged me to buy things I didn't need. I'm going back 30 years ago particularly but having too much means that there's no reason to be disciplined, that there's no reason to be mindful, that I can just be frivolous and it's easy to fall into that when you have too much and then you start to just, from what I can tell as so many people do this, acquiring things they don't actually need but they do so because well what else are they going to do with the money? It burns a hole in their pocket, they want to spend it, they've got it, why do people steal it? They don't steal it to just put it in a bag and bury it in the garden and not change their life, not spend any of it, they steal it to spend it, they want the benefit of what it can provide and they thought previously they wouldn't be able to have the thing they want without having to get it this way. I acquired loads of money 35 years ago illegally and never did anything with it other than slowly spend it on just day to day living, it just allowed me to travel, buy a plane ticket, not have to work wherever I was, it allowed me to experience the reality I was in in a free way which is a very um privileged thing. Yes I have worked for money in my life of course but a big chunk of money that I got to experience the world with I didn't have to earn, I just took it. I've had money now given to me and it was given to me or left to me by my mother who I didn't really get on with and who I might not have even seen before she died, I would still have acquired that money, I might have received it while still being in America but I could only create this lifestyle, choose this lifestyle because I had it and that is also a privilege and I have thanked, I have offered thanks and gratitude several times actually every so often it just makes me, reminds me that I couldn't be living this life without her money, without her passing, without her decision. While many people receive inheritance not all use it wisely, I'd like to think I have used it wisely and I am using it wisely and maybe that's why also I can't be frivolous with it but even the money that I acquired illegal, illegally while I was a lot more frivolous with it I still couldn't be completely frivolous with it because that's not in my nature but back then I was less experienced and more naive and I still had lots of lessons to learn and so I could do things that I wouldn't ever do now no matter how much money I have and that maybe explains why I'm not loaded or working where I acquire so much money I don't know what to do with it because that's all that would happen if I receive money I just put it in the bank or leave it in the wallet I just only still use, only still get what seems right regardless of how much I have. I'm not sure how common that is but I think it's something that I've just always done.