2024-07-13 what is really missing

The speaker reflects on their experience of being in the company of others and feeling useful. They discuss their preference for solitude and order, but also appreciate the novelty and difference that comes with being around chaotic and purposeful individuals. They mention feeling a sense of non-specific anxiety and not knowing where they want to be or what they want to do. The speaker expresses their disinterest in watching sports and their changing preferences and motivations. They discuss their reading habits and the lack of satisfaction they find in certain activities. The speaker reflects on their apathy, the passing of time, and the pressure they sometimes feel. They mention trying to find something missing in their life but not being able to fill the void. They talk about their past spiritual experiences and the fading of those memories. The speaker mentions the temporary excitement that comes from sharing their story with others but acknowledges that it doesn't lead to anything There's a certain novelty for me, even now, when I am in the company of Kay or Eliza, or both. I see her fairly regularly, and I'm in their world fairly regularly, and because it's so strange to me, so chaotic, and I am called upon, asked to help and do, and make things easier, which I feel like I am of service. It makes me feel like I'm useful. I've always needed that, really, but have come to accept that living alone, solitude, I'm only useful to myself when things need to be done. But it doesn't last long. I appreciate the novelty, I appreciate the difference, and I'll stay in it, perhaps even longer than I feel to do, just because I know that very shortly it will end. I just tend to defer to the chaotic order, the time scale, the understanding of the small period, then we're doing this, then we're going here, then there's this, and I just let it happen. It's much easier. It always has been. The more chaotic, or purposeful, or specific the life of the one I'm around, the more likely I am to just flow with it, because it gives me something that feels different temporarily. And then it's over. And in most cases, I'm happy to be back in a more ordered, less chaotic, more peaceful, quiet experience. So it isn't that I need more of that. I mean, maybe I need, or would benefit from, a different form of interaction, hanging out with, maybe, but it seems like the best I can get would be the most novel, the most unusual, the most unexpected, and yet all things fade away from that state eventually. So there isn't that that's missing, even though it can provide distraction and difference. It makes me feel something else, which I think is good, but ultimately, I wouldn't want it to stay. It doesn't stay. I return to what I know best, the way I live alone. Right now, though, there is this feeling of non-specific anxiety. I'm not settled. I'm not at peace. I haven't particularly, I haven't got anything particularly interesting to watch that can make a difference if I'm really into a very well-written, very well-acted thing. There are bits of it here and there, but I can't really binge at the moment, which is something I want to do. And so, even the things I have are not distraction enough from it, and I can't do anything about it, in a sense, because I don't really understand what it is. Even the feeling of having been here over two years, the feeling to move somewhere, to go somewhere, to change things again, which comes upon me, but I can't define it, even if it's true. I can't define it. I can't say, oh, yes, it would be this. It would be here. It would be them. I can't. I don't have that knowing. So I can't even say for sure that that is the issue. It's been a long time, it is a long time, since I've had a destination. Normally, a destination I can walk to, even if it takes me an hour and a half to do so, is an interesting journey for me. It's an adventure. It's an excursion. And if I can make it without having to use public transport or any machinery, I'm happiest. I don't have anywhere to go. It's why sometimes I allow myself, very rarely, because I'm so disappointed, but I've allowed myself to take a journey to McDonald's, which is a six-mile round trip, and attempt to do so when it won't be very busy. I can't, just like I struggle to be around those who are homeless, I struggle to be around those who go to McDonald's a lot. I watched a documentary recently about the world's top athletes and how they prepare in the competition. I never realised that they'd lost humility. I remember back in the day when the best athletes were quite humble. It takes a lot of discipline and practice and perseverance to reach the top of their game. Now, they are full of ego. The women, long hair, down to their arse, plaits, probably extensions, but nevertheless, nails, fingernails, half as long as their fingers. They're covered in gold and diamonds. It's all blingy. These are the people that are now considered to be the elite. I had no idea. I didn't like it. I found it really difficult to watch. I can still respect the amount of work that goes into nurturing, learning to become an elite athlete. And yet, the drive to compete and win again and again, I can never really connect to. It's tennis season. Wimbledon is on. I don't watch it. I'm not interested. I don't care anymore. Not that I really cared before, but I could enjoy the game. I could appreciate the quality because I once played myself and I understand it's not easy to be good. I don't care. It's like it's false. It's fake. It's a distraction for people to momentarily forget about their troubles. It's a world I no longer live in. I'm not sure I ever did, but I was in it enough to be confused as to what living in a world actually means. So, not knowing where I would want to be, I am still becoming more aware of where I do not want to be. What doesn't work for me, it's easier in many ways for me to recognize that. And as I recognize it more and more, I withdraw more and more. And as I withdraw more and more, so more of what I see around me I don't want to engage in at all. There are still some habits and yet they are so unsatisfactory, unsatisfying, I cannot continue with them. So, what is my life to be? What is my life? Without those things, I have to rely on alone more. And without distractions in the form of drama and so on, yes, there is plenty to read, but I don't find it comfortable to do so except at night when I'm in bed and then I sleep after that. It's just how I read, it's a certain way, lying down, it works for me. And while I can do it sitting up, I could go sit in the park with my darkened reading glasses and sit on a bench for a while. Really, if I'm going to do that, I might as well just sit on a bench and observe what I see. That makes more sense to me. Reading is about forgetting the world and going into the world of the imagination. And I've been enjoying for a long time the ability to read things that are interesting to me. And that's fine, I wake up in the night, usually I read again. I never sleep through the night, last night I might have read three times during the night, with a little bit of sleep in between. But I like the peacefulness, I like the dark, nothing else has to be done, it's fine. I still go to the library, I'll download things if I can, they've just recently increased the speed by 50%, so that means everything is much quicker. I like that, I've always liked that. But ultimately, there's not much for me to get. The quality, either the quality of what the output is reducing, or I'm just losing my preference for stuff. Things I once enjoyed, come back for the next season and I don't care about it anymore. I'm changing, something's shifting. I seem to be losing, letting go of. And I understand, that's understandable, perhaps even expected. There's nothing replacing it. I can walk about, but it doesn't interest me, aimless. Normally when I walk somewhere, there's food involved at the end of it. Food is a good motivator for me. I suddenly get a feeling of I'd like to eat that again, have that taste, I'll put in effort to get it. I may be disappointed, I often am, but I still try, it still motivates me. Other than that, there's nothing that motivates me, nothing that makes me do anything. There's nothing that makes me do anything. A great deal of apathy exists in many ways. I don't know if I'm experiencing depression, perhaps the experience is so normal, I can't really define it. I can't tell you for certain that that is what it is. It might be, I'm not sure though. It's simply that there is little for me to do. There is little for me to be involved in, that I wish to be involved in. There is little for me to get excited about. There is almost no future. And the idea of living in the present without feeling contented peacefulness is not straightforward. Time still seems to move quickly, it doesn't seem to drag on and on. And there are moments when I suddenly realise I don't have enough. I have to leave now, I've got to do this and I was not finished what I was previously doing. It's a strange experience to feel under pressure. Time not being enough, sure I can come back to it later but still, normally I can just do what I need to do and have all the time I need to do it. I've noticed that a few times during this week. But on the whole time seems to still move quickly. It's not dragging. It's easier to deal with this feeling in the summer because I've got more option. Outside, in the sun. I haven't had my chair out, my folding chair out once. I don't walk anywhere near as much as I used to. I do not feel exactly myself. I make some questionable decisions. I think why did I do that, why did I choose that, that doesn't make any sense, I won't do that again. It's almost like I'm trying to find something different, something new, something else. Something that's missing. I'm looking in all the wrong directions of course but it doesn't... It doesn't detract from the fact that I am trying to find something missing. Something I don't currently have. And even if I manage to find something different, that feeling doesn't last long because it isn't the thing that's missing. It doesn't fill the hole. I used to think that there was a God-shaped hole in me. I used to feel that I was walking a spiritual path. Connected to something greater than myself or that is. The experiences I once had here and in other countries seem to confirm that truth. All of that is gone. It doesn't exist anymore. It's barely a memory. If I didn't have it all written down, it would be hard to recall it and it might be too much to bother. I used to think if I reveal my story, especially to someone who isn't aware of it, I get some kind of bolstering from that. It's exciting for a moment. Especially if they are interested and they want more. I've experienced that in my life and it's quite intoxicating actually. But it doesn't tend to lead anywhere solid. I don't talk about myself except in these recordings, except if they're heard. I don't talk about myself to people I experience in the present. I don't really like to talk about myself at all. I do say things from time to time. I will answer a question but usually not with many words. And it's not like I could show a different side of me. I believe I'm being as authentic as I can be. But it's not good enough. I'm not alive. I am waiting to die. I am dying. You could say essentially everyone is. From the moment we're born we're essentially dying and at some point that's what happens. And it's not that I know I'm not carrying an illness or a disease that I'm aware of that reveals imminence in that dying idea. And yet by my actions or lack of connection I am dying. I'm dying to be different, to change, to shift. To experience something I'm not experiencing. And it could be spirit, whatever that means. It could be afterlife, whatever that means. But I can't hasten it. There's nothing I can do. At least I can't imagine anything I can do to hasten it. That doesn't feel right. I don't have the right to interfere with the natural course of things. The only thing I seem to be able to do is to slightly alter the rudder. To make a slight movement left or right. So that it may not be the directest route but I'm still going in that direction. But I can make adjustments, deviations, momentary experiences. Even those that I've had so many times before can become just for a moment containing the feeling of freshness. Just because of the time involved since that experience took place. Even though I know, I know I don't want to go there. That I've learned something about the experience. I can still feel the pull of it just because of its difference. So to find, to have an idea, to have an opportunity like I once did. Where I could imagine giving up my life situation and making a journey to have a different experience. I tried that. And I had experiences that I would never have had otherwise. Some I couldn't have imagined. But ultimately all of it was merely a distraction. It was merely a diversion. I still had to come back, come round to carry on with the path as I am now. That just, while it gave me some experience, worked out some things. Eventually I still have come back to the idea of myself. Who I had found, who I had begun to believe or experience or know is pretty much that. It's a little different this time but it's not that different. I can see the connection. I was escaping from myself. I must have had some kind of similar feeling of discontentedness. And used my imagination to come up with an idea that would change everything for me. Just as I did 35 years ago when I decided it was okay to walk down the criminal path for a while. Because I knew doing so one way or the other would change things for me. And I needed things to change and yet could never change them directly because I had no idea what I could change them to. Life did it for me. But I'm not doing anything like that now. I'm not attempting to make anything happen. I have no agenda. No plan. I don't see a future where I am. I don't have any of that. The best I can do is to be okay in this moment. That's the best I can do. To have done what I need to do. To not have any future pulling at me. That any appointment or the next time I'm working is several days off yet. So nothing to do with me but it already exists. I know that there will be work. I'll earn a little bit of money. That seems to be important. It makes me feel like I'm achieving something. I'm acquiring something. Something I still like to earn money. Or at least I still like to acquire money. But only a very small amount ever comes now. I like not to have to think about it. And if I am okay in myself. And that this moment is good enough. Then I don't need to do anything else. I've achieved what I set out to achieve. To let go of the world. Or as much of it as I can. To still use some of it because it still works. Because it still works. And why not? And live my life my own way. I don't have to do anything. So that I can do anything. And in knowing I can do anything. I choose not to do anything. To do as little as possible. I go through the day. It seems to go fairly quickly. And night comes again. I sleep a little. I read loads. I'm comfortable, more comfortable than I have been. For the first, certainly for the first two years. I appreciate that. Weather is lovely. Sure, it won't last forever. Nothing does. Everything changes. I've been through two winters here. I still have to remember again. I still have to learn again every time. Because by the time it comes round I've sort of forgotten. Not that it takes too much time to come back. But I don't hold the rules as it were. Just because there may be something new that comes that makes it easier. It doesn't matter. Easier, harder. These are just terms, momentary experiences. At the end of the day I'm just going along. Until something happens, something comes that changes things, you could say. For you. A quarter of a century on disability. But you were able to choose to do certain works for cash in hand. And then the period of time with the Frank. While it seems like things are a little easier this time they've been difficult for quite a bit of time. And then suddenly in a fairly short amount of time something comes along to change things quite dramatically. You're not free to walk like you once did. You can't do certain things like you once did. It may get worse. You have time, it seems, to come to terms. It seems to come to terms with the change. It's not happening all at once over a very short period. And that's much better. If a sudden thing occurs like a stroke and one moment you're an able-bodied person and the next minute you're in a wheelchair that's not easy to deal with. An accident puts somebody, becomes somebody and becomes a quadriplegic. That's not easy. I can't really imagine it. The world as you know it is changed. You're about to move and it will probably be much better for you it's just the transitional period is always unsettling. But once settlement has taken place again certainly one of the biggest things that will be will have changed is the idea that you're going to have to move. The fact that you will have already done it you don't realise the heaviness of that idea and that lightness that will come from it will change things tremendously. Plus the fact that it will be easier and simpler in somewhere smaller, a villa supported in whatever way you need. I mean, to me it is exactly as you need it to be. Couldn't ask for it to be better than that. What more could you have? If you have to experience what you have you might as well do it this way. I can't imagine a better way for you to do it. And that doesn't surprise me and it kind of ought not to have surprised you really. You're kind of a strange angel and not alone. And while we've spent a lot of time or I've spent a lot of time talking to you and we've spent a lot of time communicating and there's not been any you know, any there's not been any desire to attempt to change that experience in some way. To enhance it, to increase it. I don't imagine things like that. I think I did. There was a time when I wondered what it might be like to have the opportunity to experience your world for a while. To just experience it. To see what it might be like. That was what I was trying to do when I went to America. The first time. The second time. It's just that the people I chose to do it with or the person I chose to do it with who I imagined it could work with quickly came to understand it couldn't. That doesn't mean that I'd have that experience again but of course, who's to say? But the reality is that I'm just here and I have to be in this moment because this is all there is for me. You are occasionally a part of it. My speaking to you outweighs your speaking to me just because of the way things are. I have more time. I'm not looking after somebody but I'm looking after you. I even imagined once at some point when you're in a state of freedom from your current situation that you might be able to travel and come and visit this country for the first time and I thought, oh, that would be really nice. I would love the opportunity to have you see things that no tourist could really see not unless they were living here a long time to show you this place from my perspective obviously expecting you to walk about like I might walk about no, not anymore but one could hire a car you'd be in an Airbnb something, anyway but this was thoughts from long before before you were your mobility was messed with I still like the idea it excited me a lot I don't know if I mentioned it I think I made a recording but I'm not sure I shared it if you were still mobile if you were able to walk even if you could walk a bit with a wheelchair being pushed near you then when you felt like it was too much you sat down and I pushed you for the rest of the way I would be quite happy to do that but without a skateboarder but without attempting to make practicalities out of that idea I like the idea I don't think it's possible but you never know it once occurred to me if I can't come to you perhaps you can come here there could be a visit I think maybe that time has passed now and it doesn't it doesn't occur to me that in any practical sense but with your astral travelling abilities you may be able to come here in a very different way entirely and if I could somehow learn to astrally travel myself I could come to you too you've had experiences where you know that you're actually in a physical environment that exists I'd like to experience that I'd like to be able to go to where you are and then describe it in a way that makes you realise I was there I'd like that I think that's the way forward for me if I was able to go to you if I was able to go to sleep at night and use that time to be able to actually travel I think I would find that incredibly interesting and I seem to remember that people believe that these things can be taught I don't know I've read books I've had a look at things in the past and nothing really changes for me I've always come to believe that I only experience what I'm meant to experience and that's it if I might like to experience what it seems other people do that doesn't mean I'm ever going to although I must admit I've had some really interesting dreams of late nothing particularly lucid but yet I've liked the character I've played or the situation I've been in and it seems unusual for me to have a series of dreams like that so I don't know if that has any significance but it does indicate things are changing for me