Nothing to say, yet
Transcription
The speaker reflects on the idea of knowing oneself and questions how to truly achieve it. They discuss their past experiences with mind-altering substances,, realizing that what seemed profound in the moment lost its relevance later on. They talk about feeling less certain now and being more open to learning. The speaker then mentions their involvement in a mentoring program for young men involved in or at risk of criminal activity. They see this as an opportunity to assist others and gain a deeper understanding of themselves. They acknowledge that truth is relative and that they are open to the process and unsure of the outcome. The speaker also mentions their past experiences and the importance of not being fooled by altered states of consciousness. They express a willingness to embrace the unknown and see the mentoring program as a big shift in their life. They acknowledge any doubts or fears that may arise but remain open to the journey. They say, it has been said and many people understand this, that one of the secrets of life is to know thyself, know yourself, know who you are. Okay, I can understand why that would be helpful. The question is, how do you do that and how do you know that you have? What does it mean to know yourself? Know what you like, what your preferences are? I like red instead of blue, I like this instead of that, is that what it means? To know what you think, to have opinions, to know what they are, to be sure, to have thought them through. Does that mean that there is nothing more to learn if you are sure? And if there is something more to learn, can you ever be sure? Should you be sure? Are you not closed if you are sure? So these are questions that I have asked myself a lot over the years. And I seem to be less sure now than I was, less certain I know something. It could be because I spend a lot of time alone and for the most part I am happy to do so. It could also be that while in the past I have used mind-altering substances to gain access to an alternate perspective which at the time can seem incredibly powerful and real. It can cause me to make recordings to reveal what I see and as I'm doing so I feel like it's important, I'm really reaching something, I'm getting something. Only to discover time and time again, in fact, that when I am no longer in that state, what I've recorded has none of the relevance I thought it did. That in many cases I actually get rid of it because it seems to be pointless. So it didn't help. And now I'm not using mind-altering substances, I am speaking a lot less, making fewer recordings. Not having that urge to explore something that seemed so important at the time, so profound, so new, so revelatory and turned out not to be. So this doesn't have the same depth, I don't feel like what's being said is revelatory, but then I don't know what will be said. I only know that I'm saying this right now. There are many things in the past I thought I knew, I thought I had understood, I thought they were certain. And now I don't carry that certainty, I don't know that I know anything. Yes, there are still moments when in that moment whatever it is I may know seems to be the highest understanding I have. There is a sense of knowing something, but yet not being certain of it. Not that I am doubting it, but there is just room for something else, so that I am not sure. I do not speak with surety, I speak with possibility, I wonder, I imagine, I suspect, it could be, it sounds reasonable. But it is not sure. And also I don't really reveal those things to anyone. Even this recording isn't really revealing anything, whereas in the past some of my recordings would have attempted to have revealed what felt at the time to be the truth. We all know that in most cases there isn't just one version of the truth. There are perspectives, truths, levels, none of which, all of which are true in their own moment. They don't become untrue, they simply become superseded by something that seems more true. I become more of who I am, and in that becoming what I see as truth can change. It doesn't mean that what I thought was true was not true, it was true in the moment I was experiencing it that way. So truth is relative, there are very few things that one could say are absolute truth. Certainly not when it comes to experiencing day-to-day life, to have any understanding of why I'm here, what I'm doing, what's my purpose, what's the point. How many times do I have to experience the same thing? Now, for the most part, very little draws me. I don't feel the need to do anything other than keep myself small and simple, repetitive. I monitor my integrity, my honesty, my words. I say less, perhaps hopefully I am clearer. I am currently engaged in a process that is designed to bring out in me the mentor, so that those who are deemed to be mentee can benefit from that. I am becoming a part of a community, a group, who call themselves a band of brothers, a recognised charity, not just in this area but started in this area, who offer mentoring to young men, only men, between 18 and 25, who have either become involved or are likely to become involved in criminal activity. Not to tell them what to do, but to guide them, to be there for them, to help them find their way. It is assuming they have lost their way, and in many ways, because I have not done this yet, but I have had encounters with other men along the way, who one could say have also lost their way, just as I could say I had lost my way. And how that interaction took place, or those interactions took place, determined what took place. There is no rules in this matter. The process by which I am engaged is designed slowly, once a week, by meeting a mentor, to determine, to decide when I am, if I am, ready to engage with a mentee. All of it is carefully orchestrated to ensure that we all agree. So, as a result of being invited, I am engaged in this process. And after having a group meeting, and the first of the mentor contacts last week, Wednesday will be my second, there are six. And then there is a more intensive weekend connection, where at some point I am introduced to potential mentees. I have to always decide how do I feel about doing this. I have no idea, but I am open to taking the next step, and then the next step, one step at a time. I can't have too much future in this matter, and they know that. So, in many ways, not only does that afford the opportunity to assist a young man who is looking for assistance, but it can also help me to know myself better in doing so. I always felt very fulfilled whenever I've had the opportunity. Not that I've done so for a long time, many years, but several decades ago, I did do this for several months, and there was a sense of absolute fulfillment, especially as I watched people change. Realize and make a decision and change their life, return from whence they'd run away from, move towards something that they were avoiding or resisting. I can't go into details, I don't have those memories, they aren't important. I just know that what took place was very significant for everyone. Since then, it's been more about me, in a sense. I still have to find more of who I am, be more of who I am, not allow myself to be fooled into believing something that can come out of an altered state into believing something that can come out of an altered state that in fact is not true. It just seemed that way. Maybe it was revealing what could be a future outcome, a future experience, but it is not a present one. And if I allow myself, because it feels real in the moment, to believe something is true, now that actually isn't, I don't do myself any favors. So I see this, if it indeed happens in the way that it appears it might, as a big shift in my life. I don't know that I am cut out to be a mentor, or that I can be in a community that is, in some ways, a little strange. But strange is nothing I'm afraid of, and these seem like good men, and I think I could benefit greatly by being around a band of brothers, so that I am less alone. While I don't really know what that means, or what will come from it, and at the end of the day this is about service, which is something that I have not had desire for, for quite some time. So I am monitoring my inner being as to any doubts that arise, or might arise, any resistance, any fear, and so far, even though the first thing was challenging for sure, to be in a group circle of 20 people, and each one to go around and check in, as they call it, talk about why you're here, who you are, especially the four or five new ones who had been invited. That wasn't easy for me to do, but I managed it. The one-to-one mentoring conversation is much easier for me to deal with, and while I may not call it exciting, I'm certainly not afraid of it, or reluctant, or resistant, or doubtful, or wondering should I or could I, I'm just open to what comes next, and letting the journey take me wherever it's going to go. That's why I can't have too much future, one step at a time. I can know myself. I feel like this will help that process, and I think I need it, and I think I'm only ready for it now. I had to first let go of the crutch, the habit that I still carried, and have done so for a few months now, so it is well out of my system. I do not feel urged to repeat anything. I could still do so, but it's important that it's a choice, rather than the result of something I can't return to. I have to keep choosing it, at least it seems that way. And while I may not necessarily agree with all of their principal philosophies, especially when it comes to the use of cannabis, I do understand an awful lot about it, and it may prove useful, helpful, in the conversations to come. So I hadn't actually planned on talking about that, and yet it is underway, and in a sense it is a process. It's not that it will finish at some point and then I can talk about it. It's a process, and it's always helpful for me to talk about process, especially if it's something that I've not done before in such a formal way, but that doesn't require formal examination, or license, or any of those things that would probably prohibit me from going much further. So, there's a certain rightness about it, and that perhaps explains why I am not afraid of its arrival, having chosen it, because I'm only choosing the next thing, and I have no expectations about where it leads.
