2024-05-25 My cannabis dilemma

The speaker used to take breaks from using cannabis and would inform their late friend, Lew, who was accepting of it. However, they would eventually feel the need to start using again and would debate whether to take a small amount or a substantial amount. They would have powerful experiences that inspired their writing. Lew used cannabis for medicinal and recreational purposes. The speaker struggled with finding the right circumstances to use and felt uncomfortable being in social situations while altered. They have periods of abstinence but eventually feel a pull to start using again. They reflect on their past experiences with cannabis and the changes it has brought to their life. They acknowledge the potential benefits and risks of using it. Cannabis can induce psychosis for them, leading to strange thoughts and feelings that seem real in the moment but lose their specialness when they are back to a regular state of consciousness. They do not want to hide their use or non-use. I used to do this all the time. When Lou was still alive, every so often I would get the feeling that I needed to stop using for a while. And I did. And I would tell him. And he would be fine about it. He would accept it. But every so often he would remind me that whenever I wanted to start using again, you know, when I was ready to start using again, because I would talk about how different I felt, that the inspirations that I would have, the way I would speak would obviously be different. And as time went on, it would become normal. And at some point, whether it was a few weeks or a few months, I would start to feel like I had reached that point where this extended abstinence was to come to an end. I had to decide under what circumstances should I take something very small just to see, because there'd been such a long time without it? Or should I take something fairly substantial to have a really powerful experience? Whatever it was, whatever I came up with, at some point, I found the reason, the circumstances to do, to use again. I even imagined that I would do so differently, just use it once, or just use it under very specific circumstances. I would have an experience that reminded me, oh, yes, this is why I like this stuff. This is why I've always taken it. I would have a powerful experience. I would have something that would inspire me to write, because I was writing a lot back then, recording very little, relatively speaking, because there was nobody to share it with. But for Lou, I could write as much as I wanted to, and it wouldn't make any difference. He'd read it, he'd respond to it. He would also respond with a huge swathe of writing. We were both hypergraphic, for sure. And then I would just settle back into a freer, regular using. But I always, and I still do, and I still did, feel somewhat uncomfortable. I was never free enough. Lou was incredibly free in how he used and who he was. Much of his use had medicinal aspects to it, to help control his seizures. I don't know if they ever did. His seizures never stopped, but there was always periods of time in between. And much of what he took was just for recreational. He liked the way it made him feel. He said it balanced him out. It evened him out. And I understood what he meant, because I kind of felt the same thing. But very quickly, I would get back to a regular usage. I might even start using every day fairly quickly. Depending on my circumstances, when I was in America, I could easily use every day. I had no problem with it. There was never any doubts about how I used and when I used, because I was around people who were always using, all day, morning till night. That's just how it was. Before I stopped using here, now, in this present moment, two or three months ago, I had reached that point where I could only use it in the van. In the van, where I felt safe and would not be disturbed, for the most part. I could experiment, explore, be creative, watch things, write, record, didn't matter. But I was not so comfortable going out into the world, because I could come across someone who I didn't want to interact with. I didn't want to go into social situations or shopping situations, because I was altered and I was separate and observing and aware of things in a very sensitive way. And that just becomes a problem. Even going to the library becomes a problem. Even though it's quiet and I am alone, essentially, I am feeling uncertain about being in this environment, in this sensitive way. I'd have to come back to the van. So I was creating a kind of very small space where this expanded experience could occur. And of course, those two don't really go together. A small space and an expanded, altered state. I needed to feel free, to be free. And I wasn't. And so the experience begins to affect me. I start to have negative experiences and around the same circle I go. Eventually, I come to the point where something happens. And I say, okay, from this point, I need to stop again. I have to get back to a state of regular, sober, normal consciousness. And certainly for several weeks, it's okay to do so. I get into a regular rhythm, I watch things, I read things. I can walk about, go shopping whenever I want. I'm not hypersensitive. So it's much easier for me to do so. I'll still wear earplugs in certain circumstances. But I am, it is much easier for me to be in the world in the non-altered state. And then at some point, I start to miss it. Because I know I have, it's not that I have to try and find a way to get something. And like many things that I struggle with, in the sense of being aware of possibilities, and eventually having to do certain things, just to stop the thing going around inside my head, driving me mad. Just do it already, and then you won't have to think about it anymore. So, I don't know whether it benefits me to use it infrequently, with long periods in between, or it benefits me not to use it at all. And that this is just one of those temptation moments, which if I don't keep thinking, it will eventually pass. And perhaps there'll be another one, and perhaps there'll be another one. And perhaps there'll be another one that's weaker, and less intense, or less, it's easier, it just becomes, it's gone on enough time that I just don't need to think about it anymore. Now, the longest period I went in my adult life, without using cannabis at all, was 10 years. I've done a lot of lesser times, many months, I can't remember exactly, but I've done that many times. But 10 years was the longest period of time. I can't remember how many times or whether I thought about it. I was concentrating on, involved with being a dad to my daughter, and it just felt wrong for me to have altered state experiences when I'm doing that. Once she was old enough, once she was leaving the house, and eventually she would just be living her own life, I started to feel that it was time for me to start again. And ironically, she was the one who got hold of something for me, because I had no idea, I had nobody I could get anything from. I didn't feel comfortable, I wasn't in the right circles, I didn't have friends who smoked. She got some for me from school. But from that moment on, I started to use on a regular basis, and that may have been, certainly may have contributed to what then happened between us, so that we're not in each other's lives. She chose that. So I've had this two, three month period of abstinence. I have to find the right circumstances. I can't be taking something and then suddenly I get a message from Kay that she'd like me to do some tech support or help with Eliza. I don't feel that would be right. I wouldn't feel comfortable being in an altered state to do that. I wouldn't choose to do it that way. But there are times when I know that I'm going to be free of that possibility, certainly in the evening, late afternoon, evening, or perhaps on a Sunday, no days out of the question. And while they were away for two weeks, that would have been ideal, but I decided that none of that was relevant for me. But yeah, I can feel it there again. I can feel the pull of it. And it's not like I am a heroin addict, or even an alcoholic, who, where it causes so much trouble. I live alone. I am alone. And cannabis is a different thing entirely. My initial feeling was, okay, I'll just use it in meditation purposes, in a formal way, where I'll have earphones in and I'll listen to maybe an Eckhart Tolle guided meditation or something. I'll do it for an hour, maybe two, just to be like I used to. That's how I used to do it. But I know that it's unlikely that that will be what happens. Once I start to use and realise that there's benefits in doing so, I'll feel free to use whenever I want. There's nobody here but me. I'm the one who's deciding these things. I don't have to answer to anyone. And yet, the fact that I've spent time talking about all these things, instead of just keeping quiet and getting on with it, doing what I do, whether I use or don't use, it's nobody else's business. I don't have to shout about it. But perhaps I do it because in some ways it helps me to clarify, to keep going. And then I feel obligated to say, to admit that things have changed if they change. I don't want to appear to be something I'm not. I don't want to hide the fact that I use. I don't want to hide the fact that I don't use. I'm not free in this matter. I think I benefit greatly from not using. But I know I also can benefit greatly by using. And it's a powerful substance for me. It definitely can induce psychosis. I have strange thoughts and I have strange feelings that seem very real at the time. It makes so much sense to me. I know to create space, I might record those ideas, I might write them down, I might think about them. And then the next day when I'm no longer in that state, now is when I re-look at them and often I don't see their specialness about them at all. I don't get it. It doesn't make any sense to me. No, I don't want to do that. No, I'm not going to share that. There's no point. I don't feel like that now. To me that's psychosis. A true psychosis, for those who've never experienced it, feels very real. There's no difference between any other form of reality that feels real. When you know something is true, when you feel something is true in your everyday life, and there's no doubt about it, that's what psychosis feels like. There's no rational part that says, well, this can't be true, because I'm feeling it to be true. And it's hard for me to create that space in that psychotic state. I'm not a danger. I'm not dangerous. I'm not having thoughts of terrorism or bombing people or hurting people. No, it's nothing like that. It's just shifting, changing ideas, perhaps altering my trajectory, my path, my way of doing things. Subtle things, not even necessarily noticed by others, but yet would change my life considerably. If I start to doubt, it's okay if I accept the psychosis and go with it, and I'm happy with what takes place. But if I start to doubt, that's when problems start to arise. If I continue to alter my consciousness, but yet doubt the experience I have, now I'm creating a kind of duality, conflicted situation, which is not healthy. And the only solution to that is to avoid the altering of consciousness and round the circle I go back to a state of abstinence. It's tricky. It is tricky. And I'm not sure. If it was alcohol, for the most part, while I know that as an alcoholic, it can be really difficult to not be not be a drinker. But it's so dangerous on so many levels, that there's much stronger reason for stopping. Heroin, especially if it's being injected, is also something that's very important to stop because of all the damage that can be caused as a result of it. Cannabis generally doesn't cause any of those things. That doesn't mean that there aren't problems, that people don't have problems overusing, especially if they have some psychological issues, or are prone to psychotic aspects. And whether or not one can develop it, or whether or not one was always prone to it, doesn't really matter. I can't say for sure. But I think I've had many, many psychotic experiences. I quite like them. As long as I'm aware of enough to understand what's taking place. I don't become caught in losing myself. And in order to have to be like that, I have to create and maintain a space. And that's not conducive to truly experiencing the psychosis. And that creates something that's not healthy. Now I live alone. I can do what I like in the van. No one has any idea what goes on in here. They might imagine, they might make assumptions, they might think they know. But nobody knows what I do, and how I do it, and how I live like this. And yet, not two feet away from me is a substance that I can take, that I have total control over, that will change how I think and what I feel in a very short space of time. And I've learned to use that shift to explore, to go inside myself, to really engage in a perspective that isn't available to me without it. It's a key. It opens a door, I go through the door, and I experience something on the other side. Whether it's actually good for me to do that, I'm not sure. I can't come down on one side or the other about it. And I suppose eventually, I'll just use again, because it's easier than not using. Not using keeps me constantly engaged in the idea, once I reach this point, of what's the problem? Why are you holding yourself back? Using releases all of that. It might then generate its own issues, of course, leading me to abstinence again, and if it continues to do so, I have to conclude that abstinence is where I should be, until I start to let go of that. And round the circle we go. I don't know what to do. I can't stay on it, but I can't get off it. I ought to just feel I can go with the flow, I use until I can't use or don't want to use, and then I stop using. Until I start using again. Until I stop using. And that's as best as I can do. It doesn't sound a very conscious thing in many ways. It doesn't sound very enlightened. I do like who I am in a state of familiarity and consistency, as I've talked about, and yet my life essentially is very small and very boring in many ways. I don't feel bored for the most part, but it is. There's little going on, and yet to take a small natural substance that gives me an internal experience that I find fascinating and interesting seems to be something that I ought to do. Most people who use cannabis, in the situation I'm in, wouldn't think twice about it. Lou would never have given up using. He always used if he had it. Yes, there were times when he had very little. There were periods when he might not have had anything, but he was always trying to do something about that, and I could never tell. Not that I really saw him much or experienced him much in a sober state, but he seemed to be able to cope so well with who he was when using that he kind of inspired me. He certainly helped me, and it was easier to be around him because I knew I could trust him and rely on him, and he helped me. Now I'm alone. I don't spend time with other people much, and I don't spend time with anyone who uses. We don't have a session. There's no connecting that used to take place with me when I was altered. Perhaps that's part of the problem. Perhaps it needs to be a shared experience in some way, but I've always had a tendency towards being solitary in an altered state, especially taking mushrooms or LSD or something like that. Not that I've had many experiences of those, but the experiences I've had have always led me towards solitude. I need to be alone when I'm in an altered state because I can't share it. I can't really express it. It's an internal experience. I can only talk about what happened rather than what is happening. It's not straightforward for someone like me, but I just thought I'd vocalise what's going on and we'll see what happens.