2024-05-08 small

The speaker reflects on the idea of simplicity and smallness. They prefer a simple and uncomplicated life, avoiding crowded and chaotic places. They find comfort in their daily routine and prioritize their own well-being and peace of mind. They have let go of strong beliefs and focus on living in the present moment. They value simplicity and recognize the importance of knowing oneself. They have learned from past experiences and have no desire to repeat them. They accept the responsibilities that come with living in a van but are open to new possibilities in the future. Overall, they appreciate the simplicity and peace that their current lifestyle brings. I was on a long walk today, it's lovely weather, it's almost 88 degrees in the van at the moment and it's only, I don't know, 60 degrees outside? 62? I don't know, it feels lovely, I'm in shorts and sandals and it's just so nice to have that experience. Anyway, while I was out it suddenly occurred to me to talk about the idea of small, simple and uncomplicated. In order for things to be simple, do they have to be small? And it seems like they do but things can be small and still not be simple. And for me, one of the things that I experience when I walk further than I normally go, if I have an idea to go to the big stores, which are, I have to walk a couple of miles or if I get the urge to have a McDonald's, I have to do a six mile round trip. When I go there and I experienced it When I go there and I experienced it quite profoundly today, I don't like it. I don't like the way it feels. It's chaotic to me, there's too many people, there's too much going on. And this is normal for people, they go to the big stores, they drive in, they park, they pick up their trolley, they go through, they buy loads of things, they've got lots of choice and they probably do it once a week, especially if you have a family, you have to get food. While sometimes I feel the need to go to some of these places because I can't get what I might need from anywhere close, on the whole, I don't have to go there. And I realised again today, part of that reason is that it creates something big, complex and I need to come out of there as quickly as possible. I've got something in my ears, I'm actually listening to an audiobook or I'd be listening to music or I'd have earplugs in. And listening to an audiobook or music kind of puts me into a different world. Even just earplugs creates a separation that allows me to feel comfortable. I don't have to have all the sounds, it doesn't have to feel as real as it does without those things. But normally, my daily life is small. I spend a lot of time in the van, I don't go very far to the shop that I actually prefer to go to nearby to get the things I need and I just make my choice from what they have. Or I go to the library, or I sometimes go into our little town. But on the whole, day in day out, everything is small and everything is simple. I don't even move the van, which for me creates complexity. Except in very specific moments when I just give the van a run to remind it that it's not just a lump of rusting metal, that it is a working vehicle. And that makes me feel good because I get anxious that I've let it go too long. And I forget that there is a more complex world out there, never mind going to big cities and all of that. I can't even imagine doing that anymore. The fact that I had to spend or spent a couple of years in places like that in order to get here, I can't imagine how I did it. And I had to hide myself away and close the door and draw the curtains and keep away from people and have ear plugs in pretty much all the time to cope. Here, I'm not coping like that. I can walk around without earplugs in. I'm not under pressure. There is traffic, of course, but it's much calmer. There are people, especially as it gets warmer, there are lots of visiting people. And yet, for the most part, except that there are more cars perhaps parked in this road, I can actually not notice because I keep to myself here in my little space. When I go to the shop, I try to go I try to go at a time when I'll feel comfortable because there'll be fewer people and it's easier for me to do it. But I realize, having spent so much time doing that, that the last time I went into the more chaotic areas, compared to this time, I've noticed something changed. I don't like it even more. I'm not going to do it again. And I can make that choice. I don't have to take public transport. I don't have to watch the news, which I don't anyway. I don't have to get involved in the world. For me, the world is my little world. Yes, I have access to the internet. Yes, the world can be observed, not necessarily directly, sometimes through satire and comic, a comedian's take on things. There are people that, because I am interested in what they have to say, they sometimes reveal things about the world that I wouldn't necessarily know otherwise. But I don't feel like I'm missing out. Ignorance is bliss. I get used to it. I don't need to know. I don't want to know. I don't have to know. So I have found a way, for the most part, at least at this time, to avoid almost everything that I'm not interested in doing, being a part of. That creates more and more simplicity, smaller and smaller, so that essentially I disappear. I was asked last week if I had any strong beliefs. I said I don't have any strong beliefs. I didn't really go into it further because it wasn't appropriate to actually look at the idea of, well, what kind of beliefs, if any, do I have? To say, for the most part, I don't really have beliefs, is not something that's easy to just explain, even though I'd like to. To have let go, to let go of thoughts, beliefs, knowings. I only know, if I can call it knowing, what I experience, what I feel in the moment that I'm having that experience. I know what I'm feeling, I know what's happening, and that feels real to me. I don't imagine what will happen, what the future is going to bring, what the experience is going to be like, and I try not to dwell on, unless it's relevant for understanding, what has taken place, how it was, how I felt. That's finished, that's gone. So, by not having those things, that creates another level of simplicity, and it seems to be the acquiring of simplicity through the releasing of complexity that smallness is inevitable. It seems to be synonymous with simplicity. Things naturally just fall away, and as things fall away and aren't replaced with other things, slowly but surely, what's left is small. And because it's a process rather than something that happens overnight, I learn not to see it as small, but I recognise that it is. That in making this choice, in living this way, there's no going back. It doesn't take much additional or unexpected complexity to make me feel overwhelmed, and I'll pull away. Fortunately, because of the level of simplicity and smallness I live in, I can cope with short periods of whatever, but I won't want that to go on any longer than it has to. And generally, I'm not surprised by something I can't handle, or that I'm not aware would be coming at some point. I might have to deal with things unexpectedly, but yet the process of it isn't completely unexpected. And I try to be as simple, as efficient, as focused as I can be to do it right and do it well, and then return to that state of simple, where none of that exists. Yes, it might come around again next year, it might be another when none of that exists. Yes, it might come around again next year, it might be an annual thing, it might be a regular thing, but it doesn't have to be carried, it doesn't exist. I can have long periods of thoughtless presence, just living in this moment, and that this moment is good enough. But it takes time, it has taken me time to come to that, and it's only now, really, that I can reflect on it, that I recognise that that is what is happening, and I can reflect on why and how, and I can observe how important, perhaps even essential, it is for me to live like this, to be myself, to know myself. I can only do so in the simplicity, anything more than that, and I'm already being faceted, fractured. I'm becoming something that is attempting to understand what is taking place, which is actually affecting me in a way that I now recognise is absolutely something I don't want, I don't need. Even things that might seem desirable or pleasurable in the moment, or you think you want to get that, to go there, to do that, actually for me isn't any of that. In fact, I actively avoid it, I'm not interested, I have no desire for any of those things, and even in the past when I might have done some of those things and enjoyed them and felt alive, there was still a part of me that knew that this was a mask, that this wasn't really who I was, this was more about being accepted and fitting in and just maybe having experiences I've not had before, to really understand why I actually don't really want them. Now, you could say, I've had all those experiences, in many different ways, in many different forms, and I don't need to repeat them, I don't need to go around the same circle to learn something that I have finally learned. And even if it's not possible to say that I've really learned everything, I don't think I could ever say that, I can't predict, I can't know what the future holds, I can't know that there won't be experiences to come that will be exciting and change things for me in a way I can't imagine, and I know that I'm not closed, and it could be that when those things, if those things do come, I'm absolutely in the right place psychologically and emotionally to just flow with it, I don't have to question it, I don't have to procrastinate, I can just experience and it will be clear to me what's going on and that's good enough. In the meantime, as I've said many times, I'm just doing time, life, in simple, uncomplicated ways, having released and let go of, and I could release and let go of more except that I still need these things to live, to live in a van, to have a van is heavy in many ways, and yet living in a van gives me something that I can't have, I don't think, in any other way, and so I have to accept that, for now, the added complexity that having a van and the responsibility and the weight of maintaining and complying is just part of the price, until such time as I can imagine or life can offer, idea arrives, intuition, inspiration can give me another solution, this is the best I've got, and I'm not looking for another solution, yes, I could imagine instead of a van, I lived in a caravan and without a vehicle, it doesn't move, and yet it could technically be simpler, cheaper, I don't, there's no annual costs, no road tax, no maintenance, no insurance even if I didn't want it, no law telling me what I have to do, but when the van was acquired, the idea of caravan and small vehicle to tow it, with the idea that eventually get rid of the vehicle and just leave the car, it didn't really occur to me, didn't seem like it was possible, so even having said all that, I could see that there could be a slightly alternate path, but I don't have to try to find that, I don't know that that would be suitable or right, and I have what it is I need, a way to feel alone in my own space and to live my own way, my own way, uncomplicated and have continued to practice the simplicity to continue to maintain the level that I feel comfortable at, whether it could become more simple, whether it could be different is possible, it's not out of the question, but it doesn't have to be, it's unlikely that it would ever become more complicated, less simple, because I wouldn't be making choices that might produce that, but I might go with the flow of something that might produce it, but if that was to take place, that would be okay, I think, unlike when I was in my first van, when for the most part, even though I recognized the value that it gave me and the healing space I experienced, I was doing everything really I could to get out of it, and when I found a way to do so, sold it, even though it wasn't clear that I ever would, but I was able to sell it without any doubt, even though I was getting rid of the very thing that gave me something that once I got rid of it, I would not exactly come to regret it, but understand how important it was to have it as somewhere for me to return to, that was always there as a space for me to be in, which is what I experience now. I chose to buy that van, but I chose to buy that van really as an escape, I knew that I would need it because my marriage was going to fail, had been failing for ages, and I wasn't going to be able to stay. Now, when I chose it again, again it was also a way to escape a situation that I couldn't continue to be in, but that situation was complex and it was affecting me and I wasn't well, and so I had to make that choice in order to get well, in order to have the space which is now almost two years to become me. Coincidentally or not, being invited to go on to the mentoring program as a possible mentor and currently being examined for suitability is interesting, and I don't know what will happen or whether I will ever get to be that, or whether it will even be something that I'd want to do once I experience it, I don't know, but I don't think I could have even considered it were I not in a better place, and that place has come about by me living in this simple uncomplicated way, so I have to conclude that it's the right thing for me, that it's not in fact me escaping from the world, but it is in fact me finding a way to live in the world and coming to the world as me, myself. That is something I have really needed.