Episode 21

Kathy and Mariah discuss their recent experiences. Mariah quit her job unexpectedly, realizing the importance of stepping out of her comfort zone for personal growth. Kathy, on the other hand, landed a full-time legislative assistant position after struggling with job search and rejection sensitivity. She emphasizes the significance of finding an employer who values accessibility and supports her needs. The friends also talk about the benefits of taking medication for mental health and how it helps them cope with being alone. Hi, I'm Kathy and I'm Mariah and this is the Kathy and Mariah show a podcast for two long-distance internet friends That's us discuss navigating their 20s their disability and chronic illness Mariah, how's it going? I feel like I've had a bit of a busy week I mean, I thought this month has been a bit of like a heavier month for me In that sense, like I think it's just been a harder month like unexpectedly But this week I actually quit my job Which I really Wasn't expecting for like the end of the year, you know, I really wasn't expecting it to be something that kind of like What's going to happen now? But I kind of realized that there's certain things in life and particularly my life because this is the life that I'm currently in That I have to force myself to do things that make me feel uncomfortable in order to grow Because I'm so easy going with like, oh, yeah I'll just like hang out here and be in this one spot, even though I'm not happy Because I'm I fear the change that it will bring but then doing that like hurts myself it wastes time essentially and that like It's not helping me stay true to like how I feel in myself And sometimes, you know, it's so much easier to just like tolerate something Because you're afraid of confronting it. Like it just feels like that's such a hard thing to do, which it is but it's also something that like It's important to do because we're gonna go through a lot of you're gonna you're gonna have a lot of time in life You're like, oh my god, this shit sucks, but like you literally have to do it to just get from point A to point B so I feel like that was my like main thing this week that I had to really like come to terms with and also like think through and process and Just like feel my way through it, you know, I'm proud of you for you know doing that I mean it like you said it is Hard and growth and change are hard and uncomfortable and I think something that yeah I've been telling myself over the last several years is like, you know discomfort equals growth although sometimes I mean you were uncomfortable and you in terms of being unhappy at your job and Obviously quitting your job is also an uncomfortable thing, right? it's like different types of growth like, you know positive or negative in terms of in terms of like Yeah, you don't want to have to keep being more resilient to being unhappy You want to grow in a way towards being in a better place? So I'm glad that you were able to do that for yourself. Thank you I you know, I I appreciate that because I think that sometimes like I find it hard to like sit with Like I find it hard to like make those decisions in myself internally, which is something we'll discuss later But I do think that sometimes like I need to make sure I'm also giving myself like the validation that I'm looking for from other people and like I would and I think another thing like going like Thinking about this and like and like acting on this like currently is like Trading like that short-term discomfort Or trading the long-term dysfunction for short-term discomfort Like I would rather feel like this right now Then feel like the other feeling I had for longer like, you know, cuz I know in a month from now I'm gonna feel better and that like it's just a blip in the timeline But like for the past like a handful of months, I'm like, oh my god This is like like I'm so unhappy But I don't want to confront this so I'm gonna continue to be unhappy for the sake of like Making it easier for like somebody else. Yeah So what what's been going on for you this week? Well, you know how you quit a job I got a job I Don't remember. I think I maybe mentioned last episode that I was interviewing for jobs in the legislature for the 2024 short session And yeah, I got a full-time legislative assistant position I'm very excited I'll be starting sometime in January and it'll go through March which honestly, the timing could not be better because then I can still do in-person classes in the spring and Like, you know, like it'll timeout perfectly because I'm pretty sure the job will end like during spring break. So right before right before spring term starts, so it's Perfect, and I'm very excited. Um, I Will say that in general the interview and like job Surge process is so not fun I've been processing a lot in therapy and actually like Similar feelings to what you're experiencing with quitting a job. I feel like I've been experiencing with Finding a job and getting a job is of that like external validation issues And also just like realizing like I have like I mean like I've heard people talk about like rejection Sensitivity issues with like ADHD and stuff, but like I don't know I feel like I haven't like necessarily seen or understood it fully in my life and I feel like now I'm starting to unpack some of that more in therapy, which is hard and frustrating because it's like, you know, I got the job offer and then I'm just like Just instant like imposter syndrome and just like we're like wait, but are you me? Are you sure? I mean, obviously I didn't say I'm just like, okay. This is interesting brains are interesting. So no, but I am really excited and I will say to like You know so much of my experience With like work experience and like volunteer experience and stuff has all been like hybrid remote like all of that like You know, I've only worked like two things. I've actually been hired for you know my part-time job last year and then my internship this year and and so I Haven't I've never done an in-person interview for a job before and so the second round interview for this job was in person and It was like at a coffee shop. And so I needed to ask about accessibility which I've like on a personal level I found very difficult only because Again, not having a lot of experience with interviewing for jobs I'm not used to having to ask about accessibility in this context and When you're you know, it's like I overthink every step of the job search in that. I'm like, oh Well, like I with every email I send with everything I say with everything I do like it's all part of like approving myself process and so like Asking for somebody else to do something like was hard in that way because I'm like, oh Maybe I should be figuring it out myself and proving that I'm capable of handling this myself and it's like I had to kind of like take a step back and be like no like This like the interview process goes two ways and like my employer needs to be able to handle accessibility Requests right? They're gonna hire a disabled person and I am I was so so grateful for how they handled it and They were so responsive and like went and like scoped out the place that we were originally gonna go and they were like, you know What actually this is not ideal went and scoped out another place and because they weren't a hundred percent Sure, they even sent me like pictures of different parts of it to make sure that I was good with it And so that was just like really reassuring and then even during the interview like towards the end They were just like, you know anything you need like we've already talked to like the office that like supports legislators And you know, they're like, yeah, we're totally prepared to like help make your office like fully accessible and everything and so it's just like I just felt very supportive and I think it's like Especially for like my first full-time job and my first in-person job and stuff like that I feel like it's so important to have like people because I don't know what to ask for or what to expect or what like I kind of in a way don't even really know what my rights are and so it's like to have like a really honestly like labor focused legislator who like really cares about these things and just like Good people who I'll be working with who like care about making sure that my needs are met and that I'm able to do my job without worrying about that stuff is So important to me and it's something that like, you know even though it's only a couple months long job like I think is something that's gonna Positively impact me for years to come so very grateful for that experience Yeah, I was gonna say cuz it even helps you like just prepare yourself for future work and like future jobs and what to expect and what to discuss at future jobs and You know any and even honestly to just like feel appreciated now You're like, okay like like I I know that it's not going to be as hard as I thought it was gonna be Because you're working for the right people and like not having to explain like what all accessibility includes Well, my god that rocks so much I'm so used to having to explain to people and so it's just like I'm like Oh, no, like you like I'm sure there'll still be things that come up like I don't know in every space and every role I mean, there's always stuff. I'm teaching other people, but it's like to already have like a very solid like base Understanding. I'm like, okay, like this is this is good. I'm happy for you. Congratulations. Thank you And then, you know, we Us besties Got them matching SSRIs. I Think it's hilarious that me and all the besties are on generic Lexapro Where's the Esco Esco I Know It's the generic version, um, you know, I think it's so funny like I I think that's also just like a big thing That's like such a self-service for myself is to be able to have that conversation about like hey Like I need something else to help me get through like my life, you know But I'm sure you feel the same way. It's like we want to be like no Fine like we mean I'm smiling right now But like When you're by yourself is when you notice it the most Like being alone and you're like and like we've discussed this we have no problem being by ourselves and being alone It's just like the thoughts that like slowly slither in you're like, oh, that's why it's hard to be alone Like that's why I'm constantly fueling my my empty thoughts With like a YouTube video or like a podcast listen to or like playing Lego fortnight Like I'm gonna fill my time with this stuff and be like, what do you mean? I love being alone I love having this time. It's like no, you just love being distracted. Yep I was gonna say I did used to love spending time alone When I could enjoy that time but instead yeah now it's all just Just distractions. But yeah, I'm like almost a week into taking I'm Doing five milligrams and then going up to ten and yeah, I'm almost a week into the five and So far it's okay, it's I'm very fatigued and but I will say like I Did feel some like pretty instant relief, which I was pretty Surprised by because they say, you know, it's gonna take like a month before you really start to notice a big difference But like I guess like just it to me It feels like it instantly got rid of like kind of a sense of dread that I was living with on a daily basis so and I don't know if that's just from finally like getting the help I need or if Literally, my brain was so chemically imbalanced at the first the first lick I Some chemicals it needed or whatever. It was like, thank you. I'll lap that up I don't know but I will say that like even just a few times in the past week I've experienced more joy than I have in a minute. So That's nice. That's amazing for you. I'm I am waited by bated breath because I want this so bad. I Really like You know once you said like, oh like that feeling of dread I was like, oh I Might be next like Because like yeah, like I mean, I literally just like my first dose today. I picked it up from the drugstore It was like a dollar 14 I was like, oh my god, slay like dollar Sir So I just like felt so like I was like, oh man Like I I love it just is a huge self-care step to get on something that really, you know It's gonna Help you feel better and like give you the chemicals that you need and I know that like medication is not like one-size-fits-all like We know this as somebody who also like I'm stopping my Adderall because like it's not working for me like and it's also just like Because of like the cardio problems, I've already had like with my heart like I shouldn't realistically I shouldn't be on a stimulant So I'm my next appointment with my doctor. We're going to discuss like a non-stimulant ADHD medication But honestly like I do think that like I am a very anxiety driven person I think that like I wouldn't be surprised if starting Lexapro like Helps my ADHD because it's more of the anxious thoughts that make me feel Distracted and make me feel like you know that Like that like overwhelming feeling So, you know, I guess you know time will tell I am I'm only doing five milligrams I Don't think my I'd have to look over my leg Appointment summary sheet, but I don't think I'm supposed to increase the dosage I think it's just five milligrams for right now, which I know it's like a trial dose essentially That's what everybody like you start with that you go higher, you know, but you don't go lower Because I think that I also just like I just need something to that like helps calm me down But like calm the anxiety down because like I'm also starting to kind of help myself realize like what are the real Rational thoughts that I have and what are the anxious thoughts that I have? Oh my god It's so crazy because like it's so and it's also it's so validating to be like this is what I feel in this situation But and this is what my brain is telling me to feel like I almost I compared it to like Having a dog that lives in your head That's like barking at you and telling the dog to sit like you have to train that dog That I got that dog in here like she needs to sit when I'm having these conversations like about things that Like it's like, you know, like when somebody tells me something and I'm like, oh like Yes, like yes, and but I'm like inside me I'm like no like I want to be upset right now because of what they said I want to be upset because of this and it's like I can't be upset because there's nothing to be upset about Me when I read a two-sentence email that had no exclamation points today. I said, are you mad? I Mean I'm the person that like I expect the worst out of everything Like when I was quitting my job I thought the conversation that I was gonna have was gonna be a lot Harder than it was and you know who ended up crying me. Why did I cry? I don't know I can't believe that like You know, and it's like sometimes I always say it's like it's so hard to can Control right when you're about to cry you got to just do it You got to let it out. Otherwise, like I'm gonna burst like a damn like it's gonna be unhealthy and like Even with like the the overthinking and stuff like that Like I think that that is obviously part of the anxious depressive irrational thoughts But like being able to almost like reel that in like I Even like it's like, you know You have a hose and the hose is all over your backyard and you got to like reel the hose in and you're like, okay like once it's rolled in and all neat and tight you can now like have your like have your thoughts and have them like Set out of like this is how this is, you know, how this conversation made me feel This is like my response to that and then this is like that dog inside me that wants to get upset over like this Information that I learned and it's like I can't get upset because that's not my actual feelings about this situation That's like how my anxiety is telling me I should feel. Oh My god, I'm having revelations over here. Like I'm the Bible like it's crazy The birth of Mariah bitch, right? Oh my god, I Wow, I The dog I I'm never gonna think Just I got that dog in me is never gonna be the same to me anymore because I'm picturing I just say, you know now when I look at you, I'm seeing a German Shepherd sitting in your brain Sitting my childhood dog was a German Shepherd Oh That's actually funny because that's the second time somebody has mentioned a German like my my neighbor today when I was outside talking to him He was like, oh my favorite. My favorite dog was your dog jr. Like my childhood dog. That was a German Shepherd It's my childhood dog that used to bring possums to the back door he's here Also, I'm rabbit sitting this week I'm watching my friend's mom's pet rabbit and she's delightful and it makes me want a bunny really bad Say the pictures have been so good. I love when you pet sit other people's pets, right? And we can be like look at this guy. He's a little crazy isn't he? Like that one that looks like a person the dog that looks like a person I watch a couple dogs I was like, I don't like so I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I can't unsee it because Then ever since you said yeah, if you listen real close at night, you can hear them taking off their dogs Like yeah, no, I can't I can't be around that I know we're across the country, but it still feels a little My yeah, the last thing from this past week is that I Alright flashback Okay 2017 I was flown out to the Alternative Press Music Awards to accept the grant that I was given to start half-access and And While I was backstage eating free mac and cheese from the mac and cheese truck After being nervous and not eating all day really because I was like done on stage at this point so I was like, oh my god relief, you know feed me, please and Somebody came up and congratulated me and I need you to picture this. I have my APMAs trophy under one arm I have a bowl of mac and cheese in my other hand and I'm shoveling it into my mouth And yes, this middle-aged man approaches and Says congratulations and shakes my hand does not introduce himself. I don't know who he is There's a lot of white men around who knows and Then after I'm done eating and I go back inside He's soon on stage and his name is Andrew McMahon And I am ignorant Um anyway last week I won a Radio contest to like see and meet him at a radio show thing And so I really got to complete my Andrew McMahon Redemption art and like hey, we actually met backstage at the 2017 APMAs when you congratulated me I didn't know who you were then, but I've been enjoying your music ever since and it was very nice and he remembered and And my friend Annie She moved to LA, but she was back in town this weekend She literally flew in that morning was able to get to the thing to be my plus-one and she had sold him merch at the eras tour because she was working merch in LA and and she had told him like She had told him like oh like you didn't have to wait in that three-hour long line And he goes yeah, I've been telling that story to everyone about how I didn't have to wait, but It's like yeah, so I have finally completed my Andrew McMahon redemption arc. I can finally sleep at night I no longer have to cringe about not knowing who he was and that really delights me Wow, I'm so glad he remembered you. Oh me too cuz I Don't know that would have made it way worse If you like the show be sure to follow and rate it on whatever platform you're streaming on to help us reach more people and Remember to send in questions your own stories of disabled joy or hardship Etc to TCMS pod at gmail.com or DMS on instagram at TCMS pod And we'll use them for an episode later this season So this week's topic we are discussing New Year's New Year's Eve the concept of like the new year new me You know because I know it's cringe, but like I like to think that like starting the new year I'm like You know But some like new intentions and stuff for that year is like a really cool and like really like fun and healthy thing to do Oh, yeah, so Cassie. What do you usually do on or around New Year's? I mean, I am a big New Year's girly I think I honestly I think New Year's is one of my favorite holidays. I Would say I don't embody the whole like new year new me thing But I do like I live for that chapter of flipping the page like I I need that. Oh my god if we didn't have that If we didn't have the whole like literally new year like oh, I need that fresh start so bad. I am I Usually never have like plans on New Year's I Am pretty much always spending it alone. I can't remember if I've ever spent it with other people really I just get so introspective and reflective and I I don't remember what year I started it but I have a tradition of I write a letter to myself like To read on the next New Year's Eve, and I I think I also write a letter I Can't remember I I Might I think I might also write a letter back to my like what I would tell myself at the beginning of the year I can't remember though Like dear past me and dear future me kind of thing I just find that to be like very healing. I never remember what I write. So that's fun. But I mean, it's literally a year I don't touch them. I just shove them in a drawer, you know, yeah and so it's very interesting and then I do love goal-setting or like sometimes priority setting and like things like that and I Also have gotten in the habit Courtney got me into making like vision boards like They're all like digital like we'll make like a collage You know just in Canva or whatever like we'll go on Pinterest and make like a you know, 2023 vision board and then it makes for like a fun like Wallpaper on your phone to like make I love that idea I am writing that down in my planner to do next week and like and I don't remember what it was She sent me like a thing Like a Instagram reel or maybe it was an ad honestly, I don't remember but I saved it on Instagram I'll have to go pull it back up But there's like a way to make it even like to make the collage and like vision board even Easier and cooler so I want to try that this year. I don't know. I just think it's so fun. I'm like Like honest, I just love the ritual of it even though like honestly like half the time like other than the goals like I usually Like, you know, they're like letters to sell for stuff. It's like you can't predict the future you have no idea what's gonna happen in the year like, you know, and like And just like most of that like usually for the most part after a few days into the new year You're just like whatever. It's just another day but like But I don't know I just still love the ritual even if it all You know exits my brain a few days later Yeah, no, I mean I like last year and this year I'd like going to do it as well as like I do like a year ahead like terror reading for myself like I'll do like a five car five card reading and You know, it's kind of like what to like, what should I like expect this year? Like no like Um, like even like I had actually last year one of my friends did like a Year ahead tarot reading that was like a card for each month and then a card for the overall year and like some of it resonated some of it was a very like You know, there's a lot of there's a lot of times for like certain cards like really showed themselves I was like, oh my god, like that's amazing that this actually like aligned and then there's some times where it doesn't we're like You know, that's how it is with like doing tarot readings and stuff like that sometimes it aligns and sometimes it doesn't But I am looking forward to that this year I honestly just kind of like look for a spread online That's like I follow a couple of tarot readers on Instagram that Posts like their year readings to do on New Year's Eve. So I usually do that and last year. I actually remember Well last year. I went to go visit my friend in Connecticut and I Um, what do you have in your hands? Okay, we said we're anxious girlies I have a slight sniffle so I'm taking the copen test live on the air, okay I've never relaxed a day in my life Well, we will we will know in 15 minutes As soon as I stick this stick up my nose The time is an answer But yeah, like I plan on doing I do like to write out like it's a more recent like New Year's Tradition it for me to just like write it like a journal entry about like a summary of the year how certain things made me feel Like any big like transitional events, you know, did I go through what how did they make me feel like what people honestly and I and I think about like The growing pains that I experienced and like who or what I left behind and you know, like What feelings I want to bring to this new year and like kind of like start myself off on like a clean slate I guess in terms of like With you know, like the relationship that I have with myself and that's kind of honestly why I think even like when it came to like Quitting my job. I felt like I really wanted to just get that done Like this year like that very symbolic like Starting the year on January 1st having like nothing in my life that that gives me any negative Feelings or any stress that is unwanted So I was like, yeah, like that's kind of like I really want to do a vision board this year I think that the digital one is that you said it's a great idea because Whenever I picture a vision board is to do like a physical one And I don't really want something that I'm gonna have to keep in my room and move and shit like that I'd rather just like have something that's on my phone So this way like you said me you make a wallpaper and you get to look at it every day I mean, I think this year though. I have a lot more like intentional goals Than I did starting like for next year than starting this year Like I really I don't know. I don't think I set too many goals other than focus on like healing and Like taking care of myself in 2023. Yeah, I am. I think i'm almost the opposite in that. Um, Like I think that i'm gonna have fewer goals going into next year, I think in a Healthy way my expectations for life are lower. Um, I here's the thing as somebody who loves to I love I am such a generalist. I love I love learning every I want to learn how to do everything. I want to do everything i'm interested in I'm interested in so many things and I want to pursue all of them. Um, But I think i've gotten more realistic and I don't know so like okay I'm, just gonna read off what my 2023 goals were I think I achieved all of them except for I had put That I wanted to start learning to sew which is something I would love to do in my lifetime just because I think it'd be cool to be able to like like as a person with dwarfism, it's like I Like being able to hem my own clothes would be very nice Because something we'll talk about later this season is like the idea of a crip tax It's like I did just drop off a bunch of tailoring stuff and it's like, you know, it was twelve dollars per Article of clothing to get them shortened. Well, I didn't choose I didn't choose this life. I didn't choose to uh To have to have short pants. But yeah, I was like honestly, I don't know. I don't know I don't know. I don't know. I don't know To have to have short pants, but yeah, I was like honestly I'd rather pay somebody else to just hem these and get it done then Like clearly i'm not going to learn to sew anytime soon and that's fine Um, but otherwise, um, I had a goal to read 40 books. I did look later Midway through the year lower that to like 35 or something because I got worried that reading was gonna stop being fun Um But um, I think i've already read like 45 so I surpassed my original goal. Anyway Um, I had a goal to finish my transportation cardigan, which I did in like february Uh crochet a non-cardigan item, which was your um, both of your presents really your wall hanging in your blanket Uh started the podcast with mariah. Oh my god We did that. I was looking it up. We bought our microphones like december of last year Yeah, yeah, I remember buying it like right before the new year. Oh my god. Look at us now. We're on season two, baby um, I I wanted to play sims 4 so bad that I wrote down figure out sims 4 technology Um, which I had to get a new laptop to be able to do one of my classes like homeworks at home. Anyway, um because my Like microsoft surface doesn't have enough powerful processor. So now I can play games on there too if I want Um, so love that for me. Um, make one to two school pals. I feel like I did that. Um, I unfortunately have not gotten to be in person at school as much as I plan to be with everything that happened with my mom's health stuff this year, but that was A thing and then I had kind of written. Um stuff about like uh prioritizing like mental health and self-care stuff, but then I kind of realized that it was more like An intention or a routine or something instead of like wait It wasn't it didn't really fit into the category of being a goal um but honestly What's more interesting to me than the goals I had was I had tried to do like a priorities thing which I think was me starting to think about shifting away from goals and thinking more holistically about how i'm living my life and it's very interesting because i'm at a place now where my Priorities are so different than when I started the year Um when I started the year I was prioritizing Caring for myself and caregiving like that was my number one thing Then school then organizing then like social creative fun I would say now I don't honestly know how these would actually stack up in a list now, but i'm like i'm prioritizing fun over like everything Um, but like in a way that's balanced with school and you know soon to be balanced with work and like stuff like that um but it's just so interesting because i'm like I mean, I obviously burnt myself out this year caregiving. Um Which is just a very different place than I was when I started the year when I was like that was My role that was a big part of my identity. I mean it still is but like I'm like, oh no, this is like not sustainable for me. This is not something i'm choosing um It's just yeah, i'm in a very different place with my priorities now, but that's because of my I could have never predicted how I would feel what I would go through this year and that's That's okay You know, that's that's why I say like, you know half this shit. I just love the ritual and it turns out completely You know different anyway, and that's fine Yeah, because like I mean like you said I think that a lot of the stuff that you can You know, I I think that obviously putting your needs Above all else is very important and it's kind of like you have to let yourself Like feel selfish honestly, because like you you burnt yourself out like very early with a lot of different things like Halfway through the summer, you know, you're feeling it. Like I know you're doing a lot of like Like great things, but you're also just like, oh my god, like i'm Like it's like you started this year like saying like yeah Like you're like these are your needs and like the thing that Actually helps you like relax and have fun was like literally the last thing on your list and now you're on lexapro You know Obviously, I but you know what I don't have covid so we've got that going for us right now It hasn't it hasn't been 15 minutes or it's just not showing up I mean like it, you know, the line is there for the like the control line To me i'm like most people be lighting up You know, right? but yeah, no, you're so you're so right like I I don't know. It's it really goes to show that like you can't put fun on a priority list And put it at the bottom. Oh my god Um, no, yeah, I mean because obviously that's Like you don't want you don't want to like save you don't think oh and the extra time i'll have fun Like you want to be able to have like fun while you're doing everything else. You're supposed to be doing anyway Exactly, and I have like honestly like really de-prioritized this year doing like um Organizing stuff. I mean I did still like get to be involved in quite a few different things that were really important and stuff but like In general like right now i'm not holding any formal Roles in any organizations or anything like that. Like i've just like really stepped back. I've quit all the committees. I was on like I just Really had to prioritize taking care of myself and that means To me right now that means literally in any free time I have It is doing things that I enjoy and that are not like the weight of the world and sometimes what I enjoy is like Organizing and sometimes like I do have the energy for that and that is what I want to do but a lot of times it's literally just sitting in the library with My friends or getting froyo or playing air hockey or whatever and um That's okay Yeah, like filling your cup with the meaningful like experiences that you need to be having that a normal 20 year old is having Although I will say yeah, my therapist and I use the filling your cup, uh metaphor a lot and I think my cup, uh my cup started the year just being kind of empty, but it was a normal cup and I think throughout this year my cup, uh got thrown on the ground stepped on uh Taped back together. And so now it's taped back together, but it's got uh, it's like a It's like a strainer it's got holes in the bottom So you're pouring into it and it's all just coming out. So I am looking for the lexapro to plug those holes Um, so we'll see how that goes Yeah, hopefully it hopefully does that job. It's like those um videos on there. It's like that ad that's uh, the tv ads the flex seal Where there's a hole on the side of glass and you smash that On there Uh lexapro hold it. Yeah, I mean, yes lexapro lexapro lexapro is the glue that holds it together like damn, right Oh my god, you're not stomping not fun, but put us in your commercial. Oh my god, we did great You're like, oh, yeah, look how fun we're having. We're having a pun. Yeah Like you're taking them apart. Yeah What would you say like, you know? Looking back on this year like what? What are your what are your 2023 takeaways also for frame of reference if you're like What year are they talking about because we're talking this year last year next year? Um the year right now we are in december 2023 when we're recording this You're not listening to this until january probably towards the end. But yes We are in 2023 currently. So, um, yeah this year which like I don't even have this on my list But fucking wild to me that I went to disney twice this year girl. Oh my god Like what? That's a lot. Don't you love it? And like The overall takeaway I did not expect myself to become a disney adult in 2023 crazy, i'm more of a muppet adult which muppet muppet adults are like the feral versions of disney adults like disney adults are feral but like Like not like that quirky like oh my god, I love mickey feral it's like the oh my god like kermit the frog You're like, okay Like muppet muppet adults are um, like the the those that like are in the shadows um That like hide out um, so this year my overall takeaway is like I started a lot of I started a couple new projects within my business and I kind of noticed what did and didn't work out with what I was doing. Um mostly being like I started making these really like really fun bracelets that I like love making that I will just make in my spare time even if I don't have any events going On I still like to make them because I I genuinely love that like creativity. I love that like That it takes me honestly like an hour to put one together because I like to intentionally plan out like the design the style like how this like the and the intention behind it which like I think that that's like what i've been missing in my business is like working on something that doesn't feel like i'm like Mass producing something it's just like intentionally making something that I know somebody will wear and somebody will love Because there's something that i've got like the most feedback on this year for being a relatively new product And only being out for a couple months at this point um that a lot of people are like wow, I love this bracelet and I feel like you know people have told me obviously that they like a lot of the stuff that I make but like it's the different reaction of being like going out of your way to tell me how much you like it versus like Picking this up and being oh, this is pretty i'm gonna buy this It's like no you wear it for a few days and you're like wow I still really like how this bracelet makes me feel so i'm glad that I started that this year. Um, And i'm glad that like I keep working on new things that bring me joy to make And also stopping making things that don't that i'm like, oh my god This is like a chore to make like I don't want stuff like that because like this is my business and I can do What I want um like another thing that I was doing this year is like doing a lot of like vendor events that like I I mean, you know, you can never predict how an event will go um necessarily, but I do think that I was like there's a lot of events that I was Wasting my time and I do think going into it. I have the mentality of that anyways, just due to like statistically thinking of like this time of year isn't a great time as people spend money you're like this Market is like not in a good location So people aren't you're not going to have like foot traffic coming to it and things like that so I do think that something this year i'd like to well, I mean we'll get into the hopes and dreams and goals of 2024, but I do want this year to you know, I I do want to actually like kind of really Like reflect and be like, yes, I shouldn't do markets like I did markets in the fall and I was like, oh my god These suck. They make me miserable because i'm not making money And i'm not having these like experiences that I want to so I know like for next year don't do markets then save that time For rest save that time to do like even website updates and save that time for yourself So then this way when the holidays come around you can like hit the ground running then we love a business queen slide um I also want to like You know this year also had me start thinking about what I wanted to do with my career like You know in terms of a plan i'm going back to school literally like what the fuck I wanted to do with my life because like I can't just like whatever i'm doing right now isn't working it's not gonna give me like a fulfilling life and a fulfilling career because like Obviously as much as I love doing my business I have to be realistic and know that this isn't gonna be forever because it's just not like It's not like and I have to understand that like especially this past year 2023 has been a very hard year for small businesses. I've noticed I hate to say it. Maybe it's too blunt I really don't think that many people are like as interested as in crystals and things like that as they were Like in prior years and I and I think that's that's a trend like it's what does the trends bend, you know? Like I even noticed it myself like once the last time I actually bought a crystal for myself. That was like yes I'm excited to own this It's been a really long time I I needed to be realistic about what I wanted to do with my life like going back to school is like a really huge step and a really big thing that I Need to do and I have to really push myself to do because I know that it will only bring good things doing that I also kind of like came to terms with like I have to surround myself with people that like help me feel motivated and stay motivated and I do think that like Quality over quantity is a huge like factor when it comes to people with friends, you know for people having people with friends I am a person with friends and I have to realize that as well. But you know being around motivated people that like help you and being with people that make you feel good about yourself and that you can see and be like wow like this person like Is great to be around and i'm glad to have them in my life and i'm glad that they are somebody I can like look to and be like You know even look to for advice or look to for like taking like, you know Like okay, you did this like and I want to do something like this How can you like help, you know, give me your perspective on it? And I think that that's really important And like noticing how you feel after spending time with people Do you feel fulfilled uplifted inspired whatever do you feel questionably sad oops Oops Sometimes you realize oh maybe I shouldn't be friends with somebody mate and it's I don't know I think sometimes like in adult friendships. It's like oh I can just actively choose to not like Put as much energy into this friendship and that's fine Like, you know, it doesn't mean like you have to cut somebody out of your life They can just mean i'm gonna prioritize where i'm like giving and getting Like the most out of my friendships and I think even too Honestly, it's not even like that person did anything inherently wrong Like, you know, it's just it's literally the vibe like you didn't pass the vibe check. I'm sorry And there's no retest. You cannot do this again um and I think that like it that kind of yeah like Goes into like the letting things go for a reason even like with people jobs places things like You know, like you said we're adults like adult friendships stuff like that like you need to be able to Like feel comfortable because you're going to go through all these phases And going through all this change like i'm in a totally different place Right now than I thought I was going to be in the beginning of this year and i'm happy to say that like i'm happy To be like, oh i'm glad to be here. We're in different places than we knew we'd be a week ago. Oh literally it's Which I think literally because when we were talking about preparing for this episode, I was like it's absurd How like we started on antidepressants you quit a job. I got a job in a week in a week in a week We just recorded an episode where we talked about what happened to us in the past six months And now we can go back and re-record that episode with a bunch of different things to mention too in a week It's absurd and I think it really speaks to how much life changes in your 20s Oh my god I um, and it's also I think the most interesting thing about that is that for me this year Not a lot did change most of this year was school for me Most of this year was honestly dominated by my mom's health stuff. Um And the barbie movie and the literally those were the only things that dominated my year my mother's health in the beginning The barbie movie in the middle and my mother's health at the end Um, and that is not her fault You know, that is not her fault. That is just life. Um, and that is also me like needing to learn how to balance my life with I mean when you have family members with chronic health conditions, it's like Those are never going to go away. So it's like, okay How am I going to evolve my life to support you in a way that's sustainable for me? which is you know something I want to do next year, but um, you know, even though Not a ton happened this year like I did still like get like, you know Like I said, I had a pretty good summer and like I feel like I still did experience personal it continued like kind of expected personal growth in terms of like because I am in school and because I am constantly learning and trying new things of literally Most of my time right now is spent trying to figure out what i'm going to be doing with my life after I graduate and so it's like, you know my internship and like getting this job and like just generally figuring out that I want to go into public policy because You know at the beginning of this year. I was kind of like I don't know planning policy Like I really didn't know and so um So like getting that a little bit more narrowed down and like You know the like I mentioned last episode like like becoming fully independent with my own Needs and stuff and like, you know, like I was saying earlier like prioritizing having fun like I think all of those things are really important and that as hard as this year was like I do think that like it like I think that a lot of healing and growth is going to come from this time in my life and um Yeah, it makes me um I was gonna say like hopeful optimistic all these things about next year But like I wish I could say I was feeling any of those things with electro hasn't hit that hard yet Sorry if that's too real Thinking of that. What are your hopes dreams goals for 2024? I want to read a lot of books I think literally the only tangible actual goal i'm gonna set in 2024 is my reading goal Um, because I always had a reading goal Okay Ever since I became a book girly actually even before I became a true book girly I was setting a goal of five books a year because I thought if I can't do that Then what do we got going in life, you know? Um, which absolutely no judgment and no people who have not read a book in years, you know, it's not your fault It's instagram reels. I get it TikTok is on your phone. I'd rather go on tiktok, man. Yeah, exactly Um, I don't know how many i'll set we'll see how it goes I I would I would guess 40 again Probably wouldn't be surprised If that's what I said, I like to make informed goal decisions, um based on past performance, um but yeah, like I said, you know figuring out how to still be there for my mom if and when How things continue to come up and Like doing that in a way where i'm not sacrificing as much of myself and like dropping in person classes and stuff like that um, you know, i've got two terms left of school in the new year, so um enjoying that and Like truly taking the time to like celebrate when I graduate and stuff um Getting like my first full-time not temporary job after I graduate um Continuing to prioritize having fun and taking care of myself Continuing to unpack things in therapy Uh, I want to spend more time outside that was something I really enjoyed this year was any of the intentional time I spent outside like obviously riding transit more I got to naturally be outside more but like When it's riding transit like okay, we're talking sidewalks and asphalt we're not talking trees nature Um, I liked the like nature out time outside time I was spending um And so I want to do more of that um, I think that like I don't know when I would go on hikes to wildwood or um I don't know Just stuff like that. Like I just want to sit next to a river and listen to it. Yeah Yeah, like have those like serene moments in nature. It's very grounding for me um, and I I put this on our outline Don't know that I believe it. There's so many question marks. It's really unbelievable, but I put Go on a date. Maybe I really got to reach a level of mental mental stability. We are not at yet um Mostly just because with every passing year of my life that I don't go on one. I'm like, oh so i'm never gonna go on one and that's concerning to me on existential level I think okay, like maybe obviously We're in different very different places when it comes to things like that. But I do think that like There's no time like the present like I I do think that like As much as like there is a mental hurdle to get over like I think that sometimes like it can even like when I think about this at school which again, I know these are two totally different shoes on two totally different feet, but like like You're you're gonna like never feel ready I literally am in a relationship with somebody that like I didn't even think that I was gonna be downloading like hinge this year, you know Like I think that it's just you like doing it and then just like it's exposure therapy Like you're exposing yourself and you know what if you're like, oh I like this makes me feel weird I don't like the feeling that i'm giving you deleted it and you're like, okay that never happened You know, I I just think that like even when I went on My first date with my current boyfriend like when I was talking to him even like I was like Oh, I don't know if I feel ready for this and i'm like well I'm, never gonna feel ready for this because I don't know what i'm even like supposed to feel ready supposed to be supposed to feel ready for Like I can't like pack a bag like I don't even know what the journey i'm going on You're so right and If you're listening and you want to go on a date You're trying to help me achieve my 2024 goals and I that's the smoothest pickup line. There you go. Okay, that's it Okay the bar is low That's my real problem We'll talk about this in a future episode but the bar is so low that i'm like if you Even just so much as show slight interest in me. I'm probably gonna be in love with you in an inch Yeah, and it's like do I just like attention or do I like you and that's really the issue Right differentiating between like the like the spark that you feel in the moment versus like the feelings you actually have for this person Yeah anyway, um What about you? What are what are your 2024 aspirations? One of them is definitely like you said to read more books I read five books this year like and my goals was 30. So I didn't even no no, no We gotta set realistic goals. That's cool because last year I read 20 books. Oh shit. So it was like Actually last year. I think I read 20 or 25. I have to check my um I was using goodreads at the time so I would have to look at that So I read a lot of books last year because i'm part of a book club Every month they would read a book and then when I would finish that book that month I would go ahead and read Another book like during that time So like there's a lot of months I read two or three books like january this year. I read four books Like so I was like, oh i'm on track four No, no, no this there's Like right out the gate. I read five books stuff No, I actually I read more books this year because I read four in january. I read one over the summer There's a lot of books that I read this year. Like I mean, I think that I read maybe I definitely I definitely read less than 10. I'll say that I read less than 10. My goal was 30. So flop flop like era I wanted to promote while we're this is not spawn, but please go add me on Storygraph at wilsonxcassie and we can be storygraph friends. And if you're like what the hell storygraph again hashtag not spawn um, it's basically The way better version of goodreads that's not owned by amazon I'm also on storygraph, but I don't remember my username I think it's like sassafras 777 or sassafras reads I think is my yeah Yeah, um, I do have to update that before the end of the year because I mean there but there's also a handful of books That I started and I didn't finish Um, and I haven't got a dnf on them. I don't know i'm dnfing a court of thorns and roses. I'm, sorry Horny friends i'm not reading that series. I'm, sorry I can't it's too long. It's too long. It's not like giving me anything fourth wing though. I'm thoroughly enjoying. Um, I think that that book like it's very ya like but i'm still enjoying it regardless. So yeah, definitely the greeting goal. Um, Definitely going to college and narrow down what I want to actually like kind of do in my life Because like it makes me think about like that bit in spongebob where he's like I want to be a football playing king in space like Yeah, I want to like do all these things I want to do But I have to be realistic and narrow down like what am I going to be able to find a job in? What am I be like? What am I going to major in that's like actually like a broad enough degree? Which like I have been saying english communications going back and forth between the two um and what what what can I do for for work and to be able to build a life that I want to live because As much as like you as much as we do work in our lifetimes like work is not our life like you know, so you're not going to love your job every second and I know that but like I I want to be able to like Work at a place that like is able to supplement my life Um, so i'm looking forward to just like finding more about myself and like my identity Um, I would like to vend at some bigger events this year But I know that like especially when I go to school my my business is not going to be my focus anymore And I understand that um I'm, not really planning on doing a lot of events when i'm in school Anyway, unless it's like around the holidays like when i'm on break Like that's when i'm going to be mostly doing stuff like when it's applicable and when I can Um, but even before I go to school, I'd like to get some bigger events under my belt. Um, and uh Just to like just to I guess prove to myself that I can do it You know, I think that that's important to me is to be able to do one of these bigger events rather than shelling out Like 50 bucks and making 50 bucks out of under event. Like I'd rather show a little bit more money to make more money, um I really want to continue I guess it's more of like an internal thing But like continue to stand up for myself more and have these uncomfortable hard conversations like literally go through exposure therapy because it only helps build my like Confidence and also build my like social skills Um, I sound like an animal that has been kept in a cage for my entire life Like it's hard. It is absolutely hard and I yeah, it's something That we have to keep practicing yeah, because like, you know in in line with that it's like being honest with yourself and Like staying true to yourself and no matter how hard it is to confront your feelings if you're really like I don't know me being at my job when I was like, oh my god. I don't like being here It's like okay. Well, I have to do something about it because I can't just sit here not like being here Another major goal of mine this year is to exercise more I have been doing yoga classes and I actually did start going to the gym more to just like Get like that heart rate up get that like blood flowing stuff like that And i'd like to get to a point where I can run on a treadmill I know this a goal I actually had for this year was to be able to run a mile whether it's in You know, it takes me a half hour like I still wanted to be able to run a mile I didn't do that because I didn't keep up with the I didn't keep up with the exercise to be able to do something like that um and also with that I'd like to gain some more strength like i'd like to be able to Like and like I think that's more of like goes hand in hand with doing yoga Like there's certain poses I can't do because i'm not strong enough to do them And i'm like, okay Well, if I do more things like weight training then I can Like gain the strength to do those poses and it's not going to be hard for me and I can actually feel like A deeper stretch when I do yoga rather than feeling like my body like buckle up, you know trying to do something um I also want to do more things alone this year I think I rely on too many people like too many things sometimes like i'm not going to go to the grocery store If I have to go by myself like fucking go to the grocery store Like it's not that deep like people or you know, like Oh, I want to go to a movie go to that movie by yourself then like enjoy that time by yourself like you don't have to always be doing shit with other people like Um, and I think that like goes in hand with like developing a stronger sense of myself and identities Like I think that You know, I am constantly trying to figure out like who I am what I want out of this life and um in Uh the song emily i'm sorry by boy genius when phoebe bridger said i'm 27 I don't know and I don't know who I am or what I want I'm, like girl i'm gonna be 27 in 2024 Like I gotta know what I want. Like I gotta like know My main drive in life and I know i'm not going to know that in like a handful of months like it's going to be like an ever-changing self thing, but I do think that like I need to actually like and that's where I think like I do need to journal I would I want to journal more. I feel like I need to do these like self-care practices to help me get to this point um, and also pain management man, because i'm always like feeling fucking gross and sores all the time and stuff and i'm like I gotta help myself man. Like I don't know until I can like get a bunch of uh until I can just like Where you know put my brain like a robot or something like I gotta figure out how to like Operate this human vessel without feeling shit all the time True That's very true. Yeah. Yeah, we haven't elon musk hasn't gone that far yet I mean, I do think that like what's so interesting for me is like using marijuana because at first I had this big aversion to it Because I was like, oh i'm so like i'm not like that anymore. I don't want to be using weed as like this type of Like to dull my feelings I actually kind of realized like I think weed helps me process my feelings better because it helps me realize like it helps me Have these like revelations and these thoughts because i'm like, oh I can really look introspectively And be like yeah, this is actually how I feel and this is how I feel right now like and that's kind of where my even thoughts about like Forcing myself to do things that make me feel uncomfortable because I want to instill and drive growth in my life Like yeah, like that realization came to me when I was like microdosing, you know, like It's something that i'm like, you know, I can actually use this as like a healthy way to um, like Conjure up some thoughts rather than using it to like get stoned and play video games. Yeah. Yeah Well, that's good, I love all of those goals and i'm I look forward to I I so look forward to a year from now Seeing where we are Yeah, I I agree. I can't wait to like Like experience this year You know parallel to one one another and being able to watch each other like succeed and you know See what happens next. I do sometimes feel like we're an old couple and like, you know, like a lot of older people like They you know when they're retired and stuff They don't have a lot going on in their life. And so like every little thing that happens is exciting to them Yeah, I feel like that is us every day like that is That's me Yeah, when you're texting about the power lines coming And i'm like, okay I was like cassie. I had road work going on like a month ago, and I didn't tell you I'm like if if I experience something or have a thought and i'm not sharing it with you. Did it happen? No Yes, I know that's Like if I had a mental breakdown I didn't tell cassie about it. Did I even have a mental breakdown? No No Which that really brings us so perfectly to our next segment pod. Don't post um because I have two this week and it looks like you have two as well Um, and one of my first ones is if a tree, okay, you wrap your brain around this one If a tree makes a sound but no one sees it Did it really fall? I live in a forest and a lot of times i'd be hearing shit fall out there And then we go outside and check and we don't see anything Well this time we finally found it so i'm not crazy and I you know Love that for myself because i'm the only one who ever hears this shit and i'm like, oh my god What was that? My parents were like what? I'm, like a big loud scary noise. Yes. There was a big tree chonk outside What's funny your pod don't post So this one I thought about today because I was watching my boyfriend play runescape and I was like There needs to be a gamer chair for the significant other to watch their significant other play video games Like because like I know when he comes over in my room I'm, like if I play a video game, he's just gonna stand next to me Like I need like the gamer chair for him like and I think it's like a player's partner chair is an idea And even if it's like a stool like, you know It's like a nice like a gamer chair like a stool that matches your gamer chair It's giving a gamer chair game a love seat gamer. It's giving a chair for couples motorcycle with a little like buggy on the Like on the side car the side car like a video game like a gamer chair side car Oh my what if a chair had a little chair attached to it? Oh, and when the person spins you spin and hit your head on the desk. Yeah I love that Because I was like I want to sit and watch you play the game Like from the point of like, you know when I was younger and like our computer chair would have like, you know We would have the couch behind the computer chair So you would sit on the arm of the couch while you watch your brother play a game or you take turns and stuff um And i'm like, well, I need that now like i'm about to just bring one of my folding chairs My vendor vents and put it in your room so I can sit here and watch you play video games I guess I could do that. But I think that there's a missed market here Like I think that for sure could be a thing Absolutely What's your other pod? Don't post All right This one This one does have a visual element in that in the middle of it is a greater than sign. So bear with me uh Pudding fruit salad in the beyblade bowl is greater than Buddy buddy in the puke See I know the muddy buddies in the puke bowl because that was a big controversial thing on twitter this year where somebody was like Oh, yeah, we use the bowl that we use the puke in to like make cake with It's like mixed cake batter with I think which I think that's foul Because our people is kept in the closet of the bathroom. So why would I dug in there to for baking supplies? But i'm interested in the beyblade bowl. I'm gonna have to look up a picture of this Oh, so it's just a bowl But is it like you used to play beyblades in it when you were younger Yeah, but it's just a big bowl. We're making I'm picturing the beyblades like arena We did also have those but before we had the arenas, we just had a big bowl And okay get this yesterday. We've had this bowl my entire life It wasn't until yesterday that I realized because there's like a logo on the side And I thought it was just a logo for the brand of bowl Bowl because it says super bowl It's talking about football Super bowl as in the football game, right? I thought it was super bowl Like it's a because of a huge bowl um So that was humbling and then my mom and I were trying to figure out what xxvii meant for a year That wasn't a year that was the like 28th super bowl. Yeah, like it's a super it's super bowl like five you're a super bowl 28 like yeah That's the number after so that amazing that whole thing was humbling. Yes, uh I you know representation for white people who cook in their pupils Yeah, I mean you just put that thing through the dishwasher, I don't know what to tell you Wait, do you bake in the pupil? Yeah Usually it's a popcorn bowl though The pupil the pupil and popcorn below the symbol. I I believe that like yes If obviously if you clean the like you clean the bowl, it kills bacteria, but I just think that I mean, I guess because ours is a popcorn bowl that my ex-boyfriend's aunt gave me the first year that we were dating so my pupil is a bowl that like Has a bear on and holding a bucket of popcorn. So like If he listens it's his fault, but for my ex-boyfriend's aunt Wow, so that's pretty cool, but like our bowl prior to that was I don't remember the bowl prior to that But it was never one we cooked in because my mom always like we prepped that stuff in like glass bowls I'm, like I throw up in a glass bowl no, I just was so when my mom said because we were making a double batch of pudding fruit salad for christmas and Uh when she goes, yeah, we'll put it in the bay blade bowl I go so what? So what? I never realized that that's what we used to use but that is What's what's your other one? my other one is um one that I talked about during the week that like the depressive episode to ig scrolling pipeline is Very intense because like the other morning when I was when I was going through the gauntlet of feeling depressed I was like, you know what hits right now You know, it's like it's like an instagram reel is what I imagined is like taking a long drag. It's like a cigarette It's like like it's so it's like soothing Like it's like so soothing like I was like, oh this like I scrolled like for so long And I was like like how you felt were you like I gotta get out of bed I gotta get off my phone Like I gotta get ready like for the day I cannot lay in bed on instagram reels for an hour because I did that and I was like, holy shit. This is rough just Sorry That's a rookie time dude an hour When I deleted instagram this week, I was like, I was I felt disgust I was like get out I was like get I was like Take this get it. Yeah, like get out Yeah, like like you have like a rat in your room and you gotta take the broom to be like get like I And then it has me looking at my emails. Yeah, like dopamine like what the fuck am I looking for the weather app? So It's so bad LinkedIn, I will take it where I can go like I would go on like my fucking bank app and look at like And like look at my credit card Yeah, let's just scroll on something. Yes Like and my girls are bad. Oh my god. It's so goofy. It's so silly. I have games on my phone play a game Same they're not hitting as hard. No, i'm like I need to scroll on venmo transactions I need to look at who my friends venmo'd recently like like You said it where you said dopamine slot machine. I was like dude, that's a great name for a band like that's like I have it in my song lyrics. Uh notes app. Yeah, it's a good like it's it like rolls up It's kind of nice dopamine slot machine. In fact, let me see. I don't think I have A full song with it by any means. No, I don't want to Collaborate with mariah on this note. It's almost it's almost close to like a haiku I think that's why it like rolls off the tongue really nicely. Okay. Sorry. I thought I had it written down I'm, also kind of wondering if the search function's not doing its job It says no results, but i'm like certain i've written that down. So that's weird Okay, well disregard all of that Well, that's a wrap on this week's episode Be sure to follow the cassie and mariah show wherever you listen to podcasts At tcms pod on instagram and look out for new episodes every wednesday. Bye