UnscriptedTruth-Episode#2-SelfSabotagePeoplePleasing

The podcaster, Lorraine, discusses the self-sabotage of people-pleasing in her second episode. She believes that being a people-pleaser is not necessarily a negative trait, but it can become problematic when it hinders personal growth and happiness. People-pleasers often struggle with setting boundaries and limits, leading to feelings of being overwhelmed and unappreciated. Lorraine emphasizes the importance of speaking up and prioritizing one's own well-being. She also highlights the danger of losing one's own identity in the process of constantly pleasing others. Lorraine encourages people-pleasers to love themselves enough to set limits and balance their own happiness with the happiness of others. Hi, I am Lorraine and I am the podcaster here for the Unscripted Truth and if you listened to my first episode I'm very thankful for that. If you are turning on to the second episode I'm like even more grateful. My purpose in this podcast is to just hopefully make you resonate with the topics that I bring to the table that they assist you in learning about yourself, assist you in your relationships, and that there's just positive outcomes for your life and for mine. So I'm going to be honest, I'm going to be raw, this is an uncut, unscripted podcast that is supposed to be conversational. So I hope it feels like we're talking together and that I'm giving you food for thought. That's all that I'm here for. I'm not a professional but I have my life experiences that I've been through and I'm a very just from the heart person and so I hope that I can share my heart with you and that you can enjoy what I share. So let's get into it. This second episode is going to be called the self-sabotage of people-pleasing and I know that people speak on people-pleasing all the time but I think that it is such a common thing that people, especially people that want to be good and you're good-natured people, there's a lot of real sweethearts out there that are people-pleasers and I think that it's a beautiful thing. So if you are a people-pleaser, I don't want you to be ashamed about that and I don't want you to feel negative about that. It's not necessarily a negative trait. I think it's beautiful that you have a big heart and that you care about other people and you care about how people feel and what people think about you. That's not always a bad thing. It can become a problem though. It can stunt us from achieving what we deserve in life and so I think that there's just definitely a very thin line where you can take it too far. It can cross over into the anxiousness and be disruptive to your life. You can let it go too far and I will self-admittedly say I let it go too far very frequently. I'm not just talking about people that I'm even friends with. I'm talking about at work, which my work is really small so we're all kind of friends anyway, but it happens at work, it happens at home, it can happen to me as a parent, it can happen to me as a daughter, it can happen to me as a sister, it can happen to me as a friend. Every category that I have some type of relationship with somebody, I definitely value other people's opinions. Sometimes to the point that I will care less about my own so I think that that's a common factor for us people pleasers is we love our people so much. We want to make them happy. We want to make you feel at home. We're nurturing souls, we really are, but we got to draw the line and the problem with being a people pleaser is we're not good at drawing the lines. We don't want to. We want to make you happy, but the problem is that often when we don't set those limits, set those boundaries, we get walked on. We are usually pretty sensitive people, but we don't want to hurt your feelings so we tend to not say anything and then it just perpetuates into this big thing until it gets totally out of control and then we feel like we have, you know, no clue how to turn it around because let's be honest, we're not good at stating our case about anything. We're great listeners, but we're not always the best at communicating like what we want and need. So anyway, I just wanted to touch base on just a few of the things that can happen to us that cause that self-sabotage when we're people pleasing and the one, we just kind of spoke on it, but you know the setting limits and boundaries, like that is a really big problem for us as people pleasers and I'm going to say that that's the number one factor that creates unhappiness within us is because we know, our love knows no limits. Our dedication to you, it knows no limits. We will go literally to the ends of the earth for you and yeah, that is a beautiful thing, but at the same time maybe we're hurting, maybe there's other things going on in our life and we can't or shouldn't be going to the ends of the earth for you, but we'll still trudge on because we want to make you happy that bad and I think that, you know, that is something to think about. It's a beautiful thing to have someone love you like that, to have a friend like that. It's enormous, it's great, but it's also, you know, like not really realistic that you can do that all the time and I don't know about you, but me as a people pleaser, I want to do all the things. I want to be there for you night and day, whenever. I never want to tell you no, because I'm like, when I show up, I'm going to show all the way up and I think that that's a great thing, but again there needs to be limits and boundaries to that and I can tell you I've overextended myself numerous times with sometimes volunteering, sometimes, you know, just over committing to things relationship-wise, friendship-wise, you know, at times where I just didn't feel up to it. I think that people pleasing can be very mentally exhausting, but you can't stop and so you just keep pushing and again that builds up that unhappiness, so I think that there's a danger in people pleasing because it can lead to unhappiness. It can lead to feeling overextended and exhausted and not appreciated, you know. It's great that you want to do so much for other people, but sometimes with the people that we're going, you know, a hundred for, they're maybe going twenty for us, so I think that, you know, we do have to set those limits because it needs to be reciprocal and when it's not reciprocal that creates unhappiness, you know, and there's a whole bunch of things, but obviously resentment is an item that's involved in there, so I just think that with people pleasing, we have to, I'm speaking to all of us, we have to be able to speak up, we have to be able to figure out ways to politely say, yeah, I'm just not up to that this time or I'm sorry, I really wish I could help you out with this, but right now I just have a lot going on or whatever, whatever you want to say, set your limit, you know. I think that, you know, last week when I talked to my therapist, we were discussing the fact that I'm getting ready to move and I'm trying to do this relationship work and I'm trying to do this self work and I'm trying to be a good mom and I'm trying to be a good employee and I'm trying to do all of these things and it just gets to be too much sometimes. I can't do everything perfectly and no matter how hard I try, I'm not going to be able to do it, so I think that, you know, you have to like, for me, I'm like, well, I'm picking these two main things to work on right now and everything else is going to have to kind of take a chill pill for right now because I just don't have the energy to put into those other things right now and other people may not understand your choices that you're making when you set your limits, you know. That's something that is uncomfortable for me because I feel like not everybody is understanding the choices that I'm making, but at the same time, my inner peace and my happiness really does matter and so I do have to set the limits where I see them fit, where it makes sense to me and I think that that's, you know, being in tune with yourself and knowing how much you can actually manage is very very important to people believing. You can only do so much. You can't do everything and you can't, the feather part of it, you can't make other people understand the limits and boundaries that you set. Hopefully, if they love you, they will understand. Okay, maybe they won't understand, but they'll respect it. They may ask you questions, but they should respect the limit that you have for yourself at that time and, you know, things can change. Maybe later you can pick up whatever they're asking you to do. Just maybe in that current moment with what you have going on or how you feel at that moment, you just can't do it. You don't have to be nasty about it, but you do need to communicate it and so that's like the big thing. You've got to be in tune to yourself to set limits and you have to be willing to verbalize it. Those are like the two key factors to setting a boundary. Knowing what your boundary is and stating it and with that it can change at any time. You can renegotiate. You can rediscuss. Nothing's set in stone. Nothing is forever. That is, well, the only thing forever is, you know, like the love of God. That's it. Everything else is kind of subjective. So anyway, setting those boundaries is very, very important or else you're going to get burned out. You're going to be unhappy and if you really want to do the best you can for other people and love them and give them that nurturing and be that listening ear for them, please love yourself enough to be able to love them in a way that you can still love you. And then, you know, with the people pleasing, my second point here is that you can lose your identity in the people pleasing. Like you can get so sucked into it and so worried about other people's happiness that you don't stop to wonder what your own happiness is. And I can tell you as a mom and as a partner for 19 years, yeah, put my hand up in the air on this one because I just totally enamored myself so much into what everyone else needed and wanted that it just became so easy for me to do what other people needed and to wait on them, if you will, hand and foot. And then it actually became very difficult for me to think about what I want and need. And honestly, I'm still kind of in this like transition thing where I'm figuring that part out. Like I'm still in this rediscovery chapter of my life where I'm in a sense of self-discovery on what do I want my life to look like because I spent so much time worrying about what other people wanted, you know, like, I haven't spoken a lot, but you know, my husband had qualms with me sometimes in some arguments of things that he thought I should do or what I should have done. And I felt very much like one of those things was having a degree. And I always felt like if I don't do that, then I'm not going to be worthy of that love. Or I'm not going to be good enough to be with this person. And I just feel like, you know, maybe that wasn't the intent. But as a people pleaser, that's exactly how I took it. I took it like if I don't achieve this, I'm not worthy. And you know, the fact is that I was always worthy of love. And I was always just as capable and smart as I was the day I got my degree. And the day before I got my degree, you know, that same person existed. It's just a piece of paper. And I'm not trying to downplay getting a degree because there are things that I learned in that process, obviously. But you know, at my core, the core of who I was didn't change because I got a degree. The only thing that changed is how much money I had to spend. And the fact that I have a piece of paper that proves that I went to college now. And I do have the satisfaction of finishing my degree that was personally satisfying. But my point is that, you know, that push drove me more to go finish that than my own fruition. You know, I wasn't that caught up in if I had one or not. But because it was so important to someone else, I really pushed myself to do it. Obviously, at a certain point, you know, like I had my own motivation, but to get to that starting block, and wrap it up and do it like it took somebody else and, and that's a very common thing with the people pleasing and losing your identity is that you may not have this thought or idea, but somebody else has this desire to, for something that you should do or what have you dream, goal, whatever. And you may go ahead and achieve something that wasn't even really on your radar. Like, it's just, it is kind of crazy like that. But I think, you know, it goes beyond that. Because I think when you put people's needs in front of yours all the time, that you just become so attuned to what other people desire. And you may even get to this point where you are anxiously awaiting what their need is, you're anticipating that need, before it even exists. And so you're hopping to and I think that there's a lot of anxiety that goes along with the people pleasing. You know, and when you have that anxiousness, that worry, and you are elevating everybody else above yourself, you don't spend a lot of time curious about how and what you're thinking. So I think that in turn, it does make you feel less than a lot of times. And so when you feel lesser, you don't tend to worry about your own needs. It just doesn't happen. And that is very true, I think, especially for moms, because we need to be there for our children. We, especially in the really young years, you are absolutely serving that child like you need to. And it can become to a point where you're doing absolutely everything for your child, even at an age that you maybe shouldn't be. But it also becomes like a comfort, or at least it did for me, like with my kids. It was like, I love taking care of my kids. They give me a love that I've never had before. They give me such, it's so innocent and so sweet. And you know, it's like for life. And it's so beautiful. It really is. It's absolutely beautiful. However, you know, you can put their needs so far ahead of yours that you're never doing anything for yourself anymore. And that is what happened to me. I did not put the care and love into myself every day that I deserved. It wasn't even a thought in my mind. And so I think that, you know, like, you kind of lose interest in yourself a little bit when you're losing that identity. And then it becomes so much easier to worry about other people's needs. Because then it becomes a struggle to even consider what you need, you know? Or at least it got that point with me. Like, I would rather worry about what other people need than have to take time to figure out what the heck I need. And that's too complicated. Let me just go ahead and take care of you. Because taking care of me might take years to figure out what the heck to do. Oh, man. Sorry. I shouldn't laugh at that. But yeah, you just, you know, if anyone has ever done any caretaking, you know, how rewarding it is, but you know how much effort goes into it. It's not like you have time for yourself all day. And, you know, that it's okay. It's okay to go through that phase. I just think that you have to take time for yourself then. You do. So only way to get out of losing your identity is you have to start figuring out a way to take care of yourself again. And for me, you know, I kind of discussed my journey last week, or in the first podcast. But yes, set aside some time for yourself to do something, right? Whatever it is that you enjoy, take a little bit of time to do that. Maybe it starts out as one time a week. But I would highly suggest getting to a level of doing something you love every single day, just for yourself. And it's going to turn your world upside down. It's going to turn your world upside down. And you're going to remember who you are. And you're going to get hopeful again, you're going to get hopeful that you can be the person that you wanted to be. And it's going to be great. And I'm so excited for that for you. Because that's where I am now. Like, your identity may be something that you are going to be figuring out for a while. I feel like that is what I'm on the path of right now. And that's okay. It's okay. But it's not okay to put yourself on the back burner. It's not okay to put everybody before you and not give yourself love because not even God wants you to do that. You know, God, God should be first if you're a believer. But you have to take care of this vessel, you've got to take care of this body that God gave you your mind, you were supposed to renew that every single day. And yes, the Holy Spirit may dwell inside of you. But you still have to take care of this physical being that that God gave you. So I'm done. I'm off my soapbox there. But the other thing that I wanted to discuss is the mental exhaustion that happens with people pleasing like that is a major self sabotage when you are mentally exhausted. There's not a lot that you can do. There is not a lot you can do when you are mentally exhausted. But what you can do is become on the verge of a spontaneous combustion. It may be an outburst of anger, it may light up as a bout of depression. It may be you know, just you have to sleep the day away multiple days because you're so tired from doing everything for everybody else. But you're going to come to a breaking point. When you are taking on too much taking on other people's needs like that, and not get pouring into yourself, you will get exhausted. You are not meant to do that. We are not made to do everything for everyone all the time. And as much as we like to think that we can, our brain and our body can only take so much because we are humans. And you know, like the mental load of caretaking is a lot. That's why you know, nurses and doctors, I mean, those jobs are really tough because taking care of other people and putting their needs first is difficult. And then when you throw in, I mean, that's doing it for strangers. Doing it for people you love makes it even tougher because there's so many other like factors involved with that. And the complication of dynamic of those relationships just makes the stakes higher. So you definitely have to give yourself rest. Give yourself rest. And it kind of ties back to setting the boundaries. Again, if you do too much and you're mentally exhausted, the only way that you can get out of that is to have limits and say, you know, I can't do that. I'm sorry. The power of no is our friend, people pleasers. I don't know. Maybe there's a workshop out there that can help us learn to say no in multiple ways. So we just have it like a little like tool belt, you know, and just pull out like, oh, I'm going to use a no number two from the card that I got at people pleasers. I don't know. I'm just making stuff up. Sorry. My joke probably isn't that funny, but it was funny to me. Okay. But I think that the biggest, biggest problem with the mental exhaustion is just the fact that, you know, you're going to come to this burnout place, and it's going to get ugly, and you're not going to be happy. And, and yeah, you're, you're gonna, you're gonna crash and burn, and it's not going to be, it's not going to be what you wanted. And you may snap and do things out of character, because you put yourself in a bad position. And I know that I've done that a few times, and I'm embarrassed to admit it, but it's true. And so that's why I'm saying like, this is something that I'm actively trying to work on. I know that this is not my forte, but I felt like it's such a topic that needs to be discussed, because people pleasing is my habit. And I'm slowly but surely edging my way out of here. But it's like, painful to get out of here, because I know no other existence. And it's, it's not pretty. But I'm just trying to tell you that I've got work to do in this area, too. So I don't want you to think I'm not in the trenches with you, if you're in the current trenches of people pleasing, like me too. But the last point that I wanted to make with the self-sabotage that can happen with your people pleasing is, you can get to a state where you're not going to be able to grow. And I think that your self growth is the most important, and it's going to lead to happiness, it's going to unlock you from the things that you've been holding yourself back from. Because you are a beautiful, wonderful person. And it's, again, I'm going to state it, it's beautiful that you want to love on people, and make people comfortable and do nice things for other people. It's beautiful. Do you want to take care of other people, I bet you're the best host when people come over to your house, you make everybody feel welcome and adored. I know that that's what I try to do. I make sure that everybody's glasses full, like, I treat it like a restaurant, you know, I'm like, I don't want anybody leaving here, not happy. And I think that that's a great thing. But if you're not growing, and I'm going to say, the people pleasing, it's hard to grow, because you're not necessarily coming with it all the way. And when I say that, I mean, you're not necessarily being wholly yourself, you hold back a lot. And because you hold back, you're not able to get to your full potential, baby. Me too. I'm talking to myself here. But we deserve, we deserve to live a life where we make it to our full potential. And to get there, we have to stop worrying about what other people think what other people say, or what other people do, because they're going to do what they want to do, no matter what. And if our people that we're so worried about love us, they're going to love us when we set our boundaries, they're going to love us, when we're trying to figure out who we are, because we lost ourselves a little bit along the way. They're gonna love us when we take our rest, because we are exhausted mentally. They're going to love us when we are on our journey to growth. And they're going to love us when we say and do the wrong thing. If there are people, they will do that. Because I'm assuming, but it feels not far fetched that if you are a people pleaser, that you probably give people a lot of grace, you give people a lot of understanding, that's why they love you. And you can still do that. And set your limits, set your boundaries, put yourself a little more first, discover yourself again, and take your rest. You can do those things, and still be the bomb ass person that is so nurturing and so sweet and so loving. And yes, you can even people please a little bit, but you've got to have, you've got to have it in check. So it doesn't take over your life and make you miserable in the process. That's all I'm trying to say. And that's where I'm trying to get to. I don't want to be miserable. I don't want to feel like I'm getting stepped on just because I'm nice. I want to be valued and I want to be loved and I want to be respected, just like I want to give that to other people. And so I'm saying that that reciprocity should be there for you because you've extended it to other people. And if it's not, then I think that that's also a sign, sweetie. I think that's a sign that you have to maybe set a different limit with that person, maybe set a different boundary. Not everybody who's on this ride is going to make it all the way through this journey with us. We want them to, but not everybody can. And I think that we all know that, but it's definitely difficult to accept it. So I am just going to close out now. I went a little longer than I wanted to and just say that, again, people-pleasing is not necessarily a bad thing. People-pleasing can be a great thing because it means that you're actively conscious of how you're treating other people. And don't stop doing that. Continue being that, but put yourself in check. Don't let it get to a point where you're unhappy. Don't let it get to a point where you don't know who you are anymore. And don't let it get to a point where you're going to be exhausted and not growing. So I think that if you can do it and keep yourself in check by, again, setting your limits, knowing what your boundaries are, being self-aware to know how to do that, figuring out ways to say no successfully, do some research. Let's figure it out. Maybe next episode I'll bring up some things. Maybe I'll do some research. And keep yourself, keep doing the things to do. Oh my gosh, I can't talk. Words are hard. But keep doing things for yourself to keep interest within yourself, to know what you like, know who you are. That is so beautiful. Don't put yourself to the side. Give yourself time every single day for yourself. People that are parents, it may be smaller than other people, but give yourself that time. Give yourself the rest. You deserve it when you need rest, when you need a break. Take it. Communicate that to other people. Don't just ghost, but communicate and let people know that, hey, I'm feeling a little overwhelmed in life right now. I'm gonna have to take a breather. I can't, I can't commit to that because I need a breather. However you want to do it, but definitely take your rest. Get what you need. And last but not least, keep growing. Don't let people pleasing keep you from becoming who you want to be. Don't keep it yourself from the goals that you have. And I think that that goes hand-in-hand with the losing identity. Keep in touch with yourself so you know what your goals are. And you will be doing great. I believe in you. I love you. God loves you. And this life is a beautiful place. We're just all here to learn. Have a great week.