Liam4

The speaker reflects on past conversations with their friend, questioning the friend's behavior and decisions. They express feelings of hurt and frustration, highlighting the imbalance in their relationship and the friend's controlling tendencies. The speaker emphasizes the need for self-reflection and accountability in order to improve their relationship. They address the friend's avoidance of emotions and urge them to break free from harmful patterns rooted in past trauma. Despite feeling hurt, the speaker expresses love and a desire to salvage the relationship, but also stresses the importance of open communication and addressing underlying issues. You know, I keep replaying our conversation, both of our conversations over in my brain, and something that you said sticks out to me, that I need to challenge you on. You said that you went to, you said that me posting the bingo card changed everything for you, and that you went to Michael's wrestling match, not because he wanted to, but because you didn't want to be alone, and you couldn't be where you wanted to be with who you wanted to be with. And I'm assuming you were referencing being at Mitch's party with me, and trying to figure out how to say this in the kindest way possible, and I don't, and I don't know how, but do you know that that's bullshit? You could have been at Mitch's party with me. It was your choice not to go. You are the one who implemented the time and date rules. You were the one who was being so rigid with all of that, and you were the one who asked me to choose if I would rather go to the central massage class with you, or to Mitch's party with you. You put me in a position where I had to pick one. I wanted to do both with you. I would have loved to do both of those things with you, and the concept too. But you know, it's not fair for me to get blamed for you not going to that party, and for you to pretend like I was being so selfish in going, and in posting that bingo card, that it was careless, and thoughtless, and selfish, because it wasn't. I think this is a really good example of when people feel envious of others, because the other person has something that they want. And I'm not trying to come at you, or come down hard on you, or anything for that, but like, I think you really need to look at yourself in the stories that you're telling yourself about the past couple weeks, past couple months, because they are so different than the ones that I have. And I'm working really hard to challenge my stories, and to see things from your perspective, and to try to understand, because I really want to. I want to understand, so that I can do better, so I can love you better, so I can just grow and be a better version of myself. And also, like, I want that for you. I really, really do. And being that rigid does not serve you. And constructing these situations where, like, it's a no-win. It's a no-win for me. Like, you put me in a position to make this choice. You didn't tell me what you needed, or wanted. Like, you said that you wanted to go to the party with me. Now I'm questioning my own memory, and whether or not I heard you correctly. Because I don't remember you saying that you wanted, or needed anything. I remember you asking me what I wanted. But then, when we talked the other day, you said that you did, that you did say that you asked me not to go. And I just, that hurts my brain a little bit, because I didn't hear that. And, like, that was not a fair ask, dude. It really, really wasn't. It was not, it was not kind. Like, asking me to stay home and not go to things that I'm invited to, it's really not very kind. And, like, I'm not going to Ryan's lap dance class tonight because you asked me not to. And it's at your house. But it wasn't kind of you to ask me that. It actually really hurts. I have this story. And I'm saying it's a story because I want to allow for the possibility that it's not true, even though it seems very likely that it is true. But I'm open to the possibility of it not being true. But looking at the last six months, it seems like this is all about you being in control, or needing to be in control. And anytime I do something that you don't like, or without you, or that you've decided is hurtful, then you scramble to try to take back control. And this increased a lot when we stopped our DS relationship. Like, it was still, like, there were still aspects of that present before, outside of the DS stuff. You know, I, if you really think about it, you know, the majority of our relationship has been me catering to you. And, you know, how much time you want to spend together, how many date nights you want, what you want to do. And a large part of that is my fault. You know, it's my responsibility. I should have had better boundaries. I should have done more of the hard work to look at what I needed, and what I wanted. And what I was doing just because I wanted to make you happy, or because I wanted you to like me. I'm not saying this is all on you. It's definitely a group effort. And I recognize that. I hope you can recognize what I'm saying, too. Especially right now, when what you're telling me is that you can't be with me, that you can't be in a romantic or sexual relationship with me, that you, like, in this moment, can't even be my friend. Because it's too hard. And you can't think clearly when you're around me, because you love me. But then you expect what? For me to just sit here and wait for you to figure it out? For me to not do anything with anybody else? You get to keep dating Shell, and doing whatever you want, and trying to figure out how you feel about me. And I'm supposed to just sit here and wait? And try not to do anything that could even remotely possibly have an effect on you or hurt your feelings in some way, shape, or form. And I have to guess what those could possibly be. Because it's so amorphous. Like, I never would have guessed me posting that bingo card would have hurt you as bad as it did. Like, I understand how it would be surprising, and just maybe disconcerting or uncomfortable, or elicit some envy, or jealousy. But to cut you as much as it did? That really surprises me. Especially coming from somebody who is so adamant that other people can't make you feel anything, and that your people are responsible for their own feelings. And that entire line of thinking. It feels really frustrating to me. The double standards. And the more space I get, the more that I can see those. And the more frustrated I get, because I don't have any way of talking to you about them. Until I don't know if you're recognizing those things too. Or if you are just over there in your grief. Settled into this victim story that you've spun for yourself. Because just as much as I've gotten stuck in victim and helpless stories, so have you. Just as much as I've made you the villain, and occasionally Shell the villain, you guys have made me the villain. And I think not talking about it is not helpful. Because then nobody knows where anybody else is at. And naming things takes away the shame, and it takes away the power. And it helps. Talking about it helps. I hope you see that. It's not fair for you to expect me to just wait. And what really, really sucks is that I will. Because I don't want to hurt you anymore. Because I love you. And I want us to salvage our relationship. It's so important to me. This is a really good example of where I'm gonna do something that hurts me. For you. And so I'm asking you to please take a look at yourself. Please take some accountability. Please recognize what I'm saying. And maybe it's not all true. Maybe just pieces. But there's definitely some truth here. And I'm not the only one who sees it. From the outside looking in, all of this looks like control. And I defend you. And I argue, you know, on your behalf. And I give you the benefit of the doubt. And I recognize the ways that like, your complex trauma from your childhood probably plays a huge role in all of this, in you being hyper independent, and somewhat avoidant. And that your stress response is to seek control. When you feel out of control. Because it makes sense. It all makes sense. That doesn't mean that's where you have to stay. Just because that's what we learned, or who we were, doesn't mean that's how we still have to operate, or who we still have to be. I'm telling you, it's not serving you. It's not serving you and your relationship with me. It certainly didn't serve you and your relationship with Ryan. And I highly, highly doubt it's going to serve you and your relationship with Shel, or anyone else. I love you. I really do. I want us both to be better.