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The speaker is reflecting on their past struggles in their relationship before their husband passed away. They talk about feeling a lack of attraction and intimacy towards their husband and the guilt and shame they felt about it. They mention the need to unpack their past trauma and childhood experiences in order to have healthy relationships. The speaker emphasizes that true intimacy is not easy but is worth it in the end. Gosh, Jennifer, was I eating, was I talking to you earlier when I was eating? I'm eating again. I'm all by myself today, which is super rare. So I'm eating by myself and my client. So if it was you, I can't remember who it was, actually, I'm sorry. Here I go again, chewing and talking to you. But, girl, this shit is fucking hard. This is fucking hard. Before my husband died, I don't know if you know this part of my story, but before he died, two years before he died, after my second child, I didn't think there was any possible way that I was ever going to be able to be attracted to him again. It got to a point where I would cringe like shudder when he touched me on my back. And it was such a duality of a feeling because I did love him and I felt like shit that I couldn't open up to him, that I couldn't be attracted to him. And I just began to shut down even more and more because it was compounded with that guilt and shame of not being able to love him the way I desired to love him. I was so fucking scared to just reach out and touch his leg. Like, my guides, God was telling me, I knew exactly what the fuck to do. Reach out, touch his hand, grab his balls, suck his dick like he's the king. I couldn't do it. And the more I stacked the evidence up, the worse it got, the more resent that was built. And then he gave me a warning that he was going to leave if I didn't start loving him. Like, he's right here. I just continued to turn away. He would kiss me. He was always turned on. But I couldn't do it. So why? Why? Well, we've got to unpack our shit. We've got to get into the shame and the guilt and the inner child that hides in the closet of the Witness Protection Program. I call it the Witness Protection Program. I actually talk about that in my master class that I'm going to send you. But we hide behind the Witness Protection Program because this is how we were able to survive as a child. But that Witness Protection Program that helped us to survive as a child is going to get us killed as an adult in our relationships. So I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. I had no idea. This is 2006. I had no idea what I was doing. I knew it wasn't therapy-based. I knew it was something different. What different it is is a spiritual fucking awakening in relationships, which is what I do. But I remember studying books, and I was like, it's not here. It's not here. It's not here. It's nowhere outside of us. It's always, always, always, always inside of us. Always. Our fear, our inability to open up to true intimacy, into me, I allow you to see. Think about it. If we open our mouth, it's really easy to do in a relationship, or easier to do, I should say, in a relationship where there's no investment. Where, you know, you haven't been married for 20-some years, and you are invested. You know somebody's really going to probably still be here if I don't open up, literally, my mouth to let you in. It's usually the women that are like frozen fish. That's not you, because you have allowed yourself to explore in other ways. But, of course, my whole point in saying all this to you is, of course, he has blocks. Of course. Of course. If you can't open yourself up to the one that you chose, literally, the one that you chose, sleeping in your bed, what can you open yourself up to? Nothing. Everything's a lie. Everything is a fucking lie if you cannot open up, and I'm not saying you as in you, I'm saying you as in anyone, if we can open ourselves up to allowing ourselves to be fully raptured, fully seen. And that's both giving and taking, because the rapture is not just in the receiving. The rapture is in all of it. The whole entire fucking package. So, of course. Of course there's going to be blocks. This is not easy shit. People think that you should just know how to expand and evolve a relationship because you have history, because you have love, because you have had connection in the past. No, none of this is fucking easy. And people are being squeezed right now like a freaking lemon. All of the lies, all the shit that can't come with this into this lighter vibration of Christ consciousness is being brought to the surface. And those that are on the leading cusp of that have to be very diligent at claiming the true frequency, which is the desire. And stepping into that, no matter how fucking scary it is, intimacy is scary. And I'm not talking about sticking the dick in. That's easy. Intimacy, true intimacy, is fucking brutally scary. But it's so well worth it on the other side. I love you.