riverside_jena_wiebe_raw-audio_jena_wiebe's studio_0010 (1)

The speaker shares their story, growing up in a small town with a troubled relationship with their biological father. They struggled with heartbreak and had a pattern of attracting men who were not fully committed. They also engaged in risky behavior in their teenage years, such as drinking, smoking, and developing an eating disorder. They had low self-esteem and always felt like they weren't enough. They experienced deep sadness and even had suicidal thoughts. They were diagnosed with depression and put on antidepressants, but the root of their struggles was not fully explored. They now understand their patterns of anxious attachment and attracting avoidant partners. Their lowest moments stemmed from their desire for a deep and committed relationship. For my first episode, I wanted to tell you a little bit about my story. And I don't have a crazy story by any means. I feel like there's a lot of sadness and I've been through a lot, but it's not a lot that other people haven't also gone through. So buckle up and hear me out. I am a small-town girl. I started my life growing up in the country, in northern British Columbia. I have two sisters and a stepbrother. My dad worked in the oil field, or sorry, my stepdad, he raised me. He worked in the oil field. My biological dad was never really around. I think when I was quite young, I probably saw him about once a year. And then at 16 years old, I had written him a letter that caused a huge falling out with my entire family, and I didn't see him for 10 years. He was my first heartbreak. I'm the girl that's always had a broken heart. And I remember at, I don't know, I must have been like three or four, I remember that being my first heartbreak. He would tell me that he was coming to pick me up, and then he just wouldn't show up. And I was this big, energy, happy, optimistic girl with bleach blonde hair. And I would just sit there at the window with my bags packed waiting for him, and he just would never show up. And this was the start of the pattern to all of the men in my life. My stepdad is so amazing. He's the man that raised me, but there was, like, not to his fault. He did everything he could to raise our family, but there was a lot of absence there because he worked in camp, he worked shift work. So he was gone two or three weeks at a time. We lived isolated out in the country, and it was just my mom, my sisters, and I. So yeah, I now as an adult have such connection with women. I have a really easy time relating to women and a really hard time connecting with guys. With men, that's getting better. But to move forward, I was raised out in the country, and then when I went into grade 8, I started to take the bus into town. And I forget how old you are, like, you're 13 or 14 in grade 8. And this was my funnest slash most awful year. Like, me as a teenager, grade 8 was the best. But my poor parents, I went from a school that had a total of 30 kids in it to a school with a few hundred. And it feels weird to say now as an adult, but I fell into the popular group, and I played volleyball, and I made a lot of friends right away, and I had the time of my life. I don't know if it's a small-town thing, but I started drinking in grade 8. I started sneaking out of my parents' house or going to a friend's house, and we would tell our parents we're at someone else's house, and then we'd get together, and we would just throw, like, ragers at 13, 14 years old and get smashed. I also started smoking weed in grade 8. I would skip school and run across to the park and meet my friends from high school and smoke a joint in the park. And then I would jump on the bus and go answer the phone before my mom did that evening. And I got the genemist her class called before she ever did, and she just always thought I was tired. Like, poor mom. I was actually burnt out. That's why I was taking a nap on the couch, because my high had worn off. Oh, that's so bad. That's so young. In grade 8, I would say probably grade 8, grade 9, I also developed, like, an eating disorder. I would just starve myself. I feel like it must have been, like, an attention thing, but I would fantasize about passing out on my locker. Like, I wanted to pass out. I wanted to be tiny, and I was tiny. I was a double zero in middle school, high school, and when I moved into a zero or went from, like, an extra small to a small, I remember having such, like, a mental hurdle about that. I felt like I was being fat, and I would starve myself. I never, ever ate until I got home from school if I was going to eat. So, I was getting home from school around probably, like, 3 o'clock in the afternoon and starved myself all day. I remember one summer, I had actually gotten grounded for sneaking out of the house. My dad caught me because I snuck out and I got high, and when I snuck back into my window, I accidentally stepped on the frame of the screen before I put it back up, so it was bent, and that's how they caught me. They knew that I was sneaking out because of that, and for that summer, I was grounded. My parents sent me off to Leduc in Alberta to go live and camp with my dad while he was working, and I had to live in this trailer and, like, cook and clean for him. I think I was gone for, like, a month. Anyways, around that time, I wanted to see how long I could go without eating, and I think I went, like, a full week, and all I had was maybe a couple of, like, crackers. Because I was, yeah, I don't even know the purpose behind that. Like, is it maybe something that I had control of? An obsession about my size? I'm not fully sure, but yeah, so many, like, highs and lows throughout my teenage years. I made amazing friends in middle school, high school. I've now gone, like, 10 years without talking to a lot of them, and a lot of them have circled back around, and it's always, like, no time has passed. And a lot of these people that were my good friends then are now my biggest supporters and have reached out to me with starting the podcast and with starting coaching, and they've been, yeah, my number one supporters, which feels absolutely amazing. I love that. I can just go and catch up with them whenever, and it's, like, no time has gone by. We could literally be across the world from each other and still catch up, and that's been so amazing. So some, yeah, some really good things that I took from school, but some really awful, awful things as well. I never felt like I was enough, ever. It's something that I feel like I've now, I do feel like I'm enough, but it took me 30 years to get there. I really felt like that in my friend group. I always felt like over, like, people spoke over me. What I had to say wasn't unfortunate enough to listen to. I always had such a deep desire to have that relationship, that best friend, that husband. I really thought that I would be the girl that had, like, the high school sweetheart, and she stayed with him forever, but I always ended up dating guys that were half in with me, like my dad. And that must be on such a deep subconscious level, because it's something that I've only now figured out within the last couple of years. I've dated some really awful guys, or I hate even calling anyone awful, because I don't believe that anyone is bad. I just believe that some people are more self-aware than others, and I think that these guys just And I think that these guys just have a lot of work to do that they, at that time, hadn't started doing. But yeah, so I dated some really troubled men that really treated me awfully. I've been involved with some really amazing, sweet, genuine men who still ended up within the same pattern. Like, it was still this half in, always trying to prove myself to be chosen, and then they've always chosen someone else, and that has always crippled my self-worth and my self-esteem. Between my friend group not feeling good enough, between men not feeling good enough, that has been one of my biggest obstacles and challenges in life to work through. So, my lowest moments in life have always stemmed from not feeling good enough when it came to a relationship, or wanting a relationship with someone. When I was 18, I became so dark, and I was having suicidal thoughts, but there was no terminology behind it at that time. My family did not speak about feelings and emotions, and there wasn't room to be sensitive. And I was an extremely sensitive person. I am an extremely sensitive person. I feel, like, so deep. And I would have told you back then, I am not sensitive, because I thought it was a weakness. And anyways, yeah, so there just was no room to talk about what was going on. And I was so deeply sad, and I just thought something was really wrong with me. And when I was 18, I was driving a truck. I drove, like, a Dodge Ram at that time of my life, and I was coming into this intersection where a couple years prior, a guy from our friend group had passed away at. He was driving a car, and got t-boned on this corner by a semi, and he didn't make it through. And I was coming up to this intersection, and he crossed my mind, and instead of hitting the gas, or sorry, instead of hitting the brake, I hit the gas. And last minute, I hit the brake, and I just missed the semi, and I started bawling. I had a complete meltdown. I called my doctor the next day, and met with her, and told her what had happened, and what was going on through my head. Through my head, and she had diagnosed me as depressed, and put me on antidepressants at that time. But now, being an adult and looking back, I was on and off of antidepressants for so long, and no one asked me any questions beyond, do you have suicidal thoughts? Yes. No one's dug deeper to see where those stemmed from. They always, always stemmed from heartbreak, and a man, and not feeling good enough, and this deep, deep want for a relationship, that partner, that best friend, that like, ride or die, you got each other's back, and you're going to create a life together. Like, that's all I wanted. I wanted it so deeply, that every time that I thought it was going there, and I wasn't like, chosen, I went so dark, and again now, having like, more terminology around it, and a deep understanding of attachment theory, I was anxiously attached, and I always, always ended up with men that were avoidant, and the anxious, avoided trap, that has been the cycle of every single relationship. So, I would try to give my all to them, and they were like, whoa, and they pumped the brakes, and then you try to like, prove yourself, and like, work harder for them, and they pull away harder, and it's like, it's an unknown, it's attachment theory, like, and looking back at my parents' pattern, like, I stepped out, and my mom, that is also their relationship, and like, this is the only example of a relationship that I know, on top of having a biological dad that was kind of half-in, this is something that I've always chased, and I believe that maybe I wasn't depressed, maybe that this was actually at the core of it, and if someone had been able to recognize that, or someone had asked me deeper questions to get to the root of it, maybe I would have came to these realizations earlier, and maybe I would have never been on antidepressants or needed antidepressants. So, this has been like, a huge realization for me, something that I've really been working through the last couple of years, and it took a lot of pain and heartbreak to get here. I literally feel like I was, I am the girl that's always had a broken heart, until recently, and I really needed to spend some time by myself to work through it. I have been single for four years. I came out of the most toxic, emotionally abusive relationship over four years ago now, and I really needed this time to rebuild my confidence and my self-worth, or just build it, not even rebuild it. I've been such a confident person in so many different aspects of my life, but never when it came to men. Then when I turned, how old was I? I think I turned 19. That would have been the most stable and healthy relationship that I've ever had. It was with someone for three years, but there was a lot of insecurities on both of our parts there, and I always felt like I couldn't fully be myself or explore what I wanted to explore. I was a fitness junkie. Fitness was my personality at 19 to 22, and he had a really hard time with the amount of time I wanted to spend in the gym. He was insecure about other guys looking at me in the gym and how much time I spent on social media at that time, which was super unhealthy. Having fitness as literally my life. I was in the gym twice a day, obsessed with what I ate. Again, I still had this eating disorder. I remember eating a sandwich in this time of my life and then feeling so much guilt and shame because it didn't fit within my clean eating plan. All I wanted to do was own a gym, be a personal trainer, be a fitness model, and that was really it at the time. That's really all I wanted. I thought that moving to Kelowna would be the big time. I'm from a city of 8,000 to 9,000 people. That was the population of the town that I grew up on the outside of because I was in the country. Then moving to Kelowna with over 100,000 people. Kelowna was the big time. Kelowna was the city. Now it's just so funny looking back because if I wanted to be an actual model or wanted to chase or pursue something within that career, I really should have gone to Vancouver. Vancouver was just never on the table for me. It was Kelowna for some reason. I've always had a really strong intuition, a really strong knowing. I had Googled photos of Kelowna at that time in my life and I just knew that that's where I was meant to be. So I packed all my stuff and I moved this way over nine years ago now. The guy that I was dating, we ended up breaking up in the middle of the move. I moved in briefly with my parents. They were living in Samanarm at that time. I think I spent like six months maybe with them before I moved to Kelowna on my own. When I got to Kelowna, I started working in a gym briefly and I was training two times a day still. Obsessed fitness is my personality still at this point. I got into another toxic relationship. Surprise, surprise. Hadn't worked through any of my shit at this time nor did I know that I had anything to work through. And his friend group was just such like a party group and for probably about a year. Yeah, I think I dated this guy for a year. So I was kind of hanging out in that crowd for a year. And this is a time in my life that definitely caused quite a bit of damage. This relationship was like love bombing 101. Again, I didn't have any terminology around that time, but he was like all in love with me. And I was like, this is it. Like, this is what I've always wanted. It really, really seemed like too good to be true. And it was. We ended up moving in together like two or three months of dating, like very, very brief dating period. And then when we moved in together, it got so bad. He had such a temper and the relationship did a 180 and I was so lost and confused and trapped. And we partied a pretty decent amount. And I did like MDMA a handful of times in this time of my life. That was the only like harder drug that I've ever touched. But it was really just like the normal. In Kelowna, like the downtown party scene is really easy to fall into when you don't know anyone because those are the people that are out. And drugs are so normalized here that it just wasn't like unusual to for someone to like pull out a little bottle of coke at the table, which I never dabbled in. But I did, like I said, do MDMA and I just thought it was so fun. And it's like looking back, pretty reckless and dangerous. And you just have no idea what you're doing when you're doing MDMA. Anyways, I started working in a restaurant at this time. And then that's how I met my main friend group, like outside of that relationship. That relationship with self shortly after working at Joey's, we parted ways. And then I think maybe like six months later, I jumped into my most recent relationship that was just like the most toxic relationship I've ever been in. I don't want to call him a narcissist because I feel like everyone's ex is a narcissist. But let's say he has narcissist traits and everything was like a backhanded put down. Just for an example, he had convinced me to cut my hair off, cut my hair really short. I had really long hair. And then when I cut my hair short, he would see a photo of me with long hair. And tell me like he forgot how hot I was with long hair. And I was on birth control at that time. And I typically weigh like 125 pounds to 130 pounds. And around then, I think I was like around 135 pounds. And he would make comments when he saw photos of me. And he'd be like, I forgot how tiny you used to be. And he would always like pick up the skin, like squeeze the skin under in my underarms. I'm still in the gym like at least once a day at this time, if not twice. I have always been very fit. And he just cut me down so hard within a two year time span. And there was zero affection, like zero. I, if I tried to go and hold his hand, he would like slap my hand away. We held hands once in two years. And we were in Cuba and I was blackout drunk. So I think that it was more like probably leading me to wherever we were going. And not so much a cute, like romantic, but hold hands. The only time we were like physically intimate is if we were having sex. That was the only time. It was the craziest relationship. I came out of that so upside down. I truly believed that no one would ever want to be with me. And like, I believe that's my core. The reason I stayed in the relationship is because I believe that. And I believe that being in that relationship was better than being alone. Because I wanted a relationship more than I wanted anything else. So I think I left that really, or he left me, which was like a full story on its own. But he had packed up all this stuff while I was at work one day and sent me the, we need to talk text, which is just so, so typical, like be a little creative. Um, yeah, I came out of that just so upside down. Like, I didn't know what way was up. I did not like who I was. And I, at that point, just took such a different direction. I fully leaned into like my masculine, again, having no terminology. I don't know at this point what masculine and feminine energy was. All I knew was I was going to be fucking successful. And what success meant to me at that point was driving a nice car, making six figures, and buying a condo. So I, at the time of that relationship ending, was working for Porsche, selling cars for about six months. And this guy told me it was unrealistic for me to make six figures. So I just made it my mission to hustle and grind. And I wanted to give myself this like sense of security and safety. And maybe I felt like I needed to give myself that because no one had ever given me that before. So I needed to just learn how to stand on my own feet. So I needed to just learn how to stand on my own feet. And in the beginning, like I was working six days a week, if not physically, at the store on my phone. I hated days off. I was so deeply depressed on days off. I didn't know what to do with myself. I would go into that like deep, dark spiral. So it was so much better to just keep my mind occupied and work as much as I possibly could to hit my goals. So when I was 26 or maybe 27, I hit my first six-figure year. And I custom ordered an Audi Q5. And then the following year, I custom ordered a Porsche Macan. And then the following year, so what was I? I think I was 28 when I got the Porsche. I was 29 when I bought the condo. And I really thought that I was going to feel a certain type of way. I got the car. I got the condo. I made the income. I don't need anybody. I'm standing on my own. And it never gave me the feeling that I thought I was going to have by chasing these things. It almost made me feel more sad because at this point, I'm like so deep in my masculine. My friends are telling me, like, you are so intimidating. And I'm like, but I don't feel intimidating. Like, I feel like I'm like soft and kind and warm. But I didn't look that way. I had like such an exterior mask. And I think I needed to at that time in my life to hit these goals and to get what I thought that I needed to get to feel a certain type of way. But after buying the condo, it just it was like running into a wall. And I started saying, like, I got all the things that I wanted to get, right? I achieved all the things I wanted to achieve by bulldozing my way through life. Bulldozing my way through life, like doing these things that has never felt good. So what do I need to do to feel good? At 30, like turning 30, I feel like that was such like a crazy shift in my life. I really decided that I was going to start doing the internal work. I didn't know how to start it. I didn't know. I was so lost. I just started listening to a podcast because I didn't feel fulfilled. I remember walking my dog outside of my beautiful condo with my beautiful car parked in the parkade. And I have this like boss ass bitch job and that everyone praises me for. And I feel fucking empty. I don't feel fulfilled. Anyways, I'm walking my dog and I'm just thinking like there has to be more to life than this. Like this isn't it. And around this time, I think I read the book, I think like Amongst by Jay Shetty. I think that was the first one that really set me off in this like personal growth journey. It was such a crazy like realization for me when I realized that you were not your thoughts. This like deep, dark place that I live in, in my mind isn't me. And you can separate your thoughts, yourself from your thoughts. You can work to become just the observer of them and not put so much weight into them. And that was the craziest realization for me. And that's what really started the personal growth journey. And again, I was just so lost and so aimless. And I leaned on podcasts, like I binged podcasts whenever I felt like something really aligned with me or with the direction that I was trying to go. So around this time, I, what was it, it might have been like not even six months after buying my condo, I broke my ankle. I was out dirt biking with a friend, which I had grown up on it, like grew up on a dirt bike. And I convinced this guy to take me out. I didn't tell him that I hadn't been on a bike in like 10 years. I just really wanted to go out. Anyways, I broke my ankle because I pushed myself like harder than I should have. And I decided, yeah, I can go climb that hill. And I ended up dropping the bike on myself while I was at a standstill, crushed my ankle, put me out of, like it put me out for three months. I couldn't walk. I couldn't put any pressure. I broke it in three places. I dislocated it. And that made me sit still. Up until that point, I was always with people. I was always out doing things, drinking, hanging out with friends, working. I spent zero time sitting still. Sitting still in my own company was my nightmare. And all of a sudden, I'm forced to sit still for three months. I can't do anything on my own. People are, or my friends are coming to my house three times a day to take my dog out. I'm carpooling to work. People are taking me grocery shopping. And outside of that, I'm just sitting at home watching documentaries and reading books and listening to podcasts. And this was another dark time for me mentally. But I literally feel like it was the universe, like stopping me in my tracks. And that was such a pivotal moment in my self-growth. I had so much time to reflect on my life and my relationships. And I just read books on books. Jay Shetty, both of his books. He has one about love as well, and the five love languages. And I got into attachment theory at that time. And I just couldn't consume enough. I almost consumed too much without putting anything into play. And then I had to pump the brakes on consuming and start implementing things in my life to really learn how to make internal changes. You need to know more than just knowing. Like you need to implement it for it to work, or else you have all this useless knowledge in your head. And yeah, I'm now in this place in my life where it's just like the craziest transitional period. I am the happiest I've ever been. But I also have such a deep sadness for closing a chapter on my life. I've gone my own way from a lot of friends, which, no fault on them. I really, truly believe that people come into our lives for a lesson, whether it's for us to teach them a lesson or for us to learn a lesson from them. And I really, really believe in leaving people with love. I have so much love for the friends that are no longer in my life. I feel like I'm being a little emotional. I've a hard time just connecting from people, and I miss them all. And I lost my dog this year as well. So such a chapter of sadness, but also so much peace and love. I feel so grateful, and that might seem cheesy, but I go for a walk every single morning, and I just feel my heart like so big and so warm and just so much excitement for my future for the first time ever. And I took a really long, hard road to get here. I'm 31, and I feel like I finally opened the door to a new world. And I'm figuring out my beliefs and who I am and what I want. And I won't settle for anything less. And it's been life changing. I'm over four years single, over two years celibate, and it's almost been two years since I've even been on a date. And I have had someone in my life that took up some energy. I'm still finding a way to put words to that. But it was such a beautiful relationship. I've learned so much, but it's been four years since I've been in a romantic relationship, two years since I've been on a date searching for a romantic relationship. And I really, really needed to take this time to disconnect and be by myself and get clear on what I want and stop being an option for men. And I feel like I've built the foundation for the relationship that I want. And I know that that relationship is coming. And now I have so much passion to help women achieve what I have achieved, achieve the foundation to build that relationship that you want to not settle. And yeah, that is kind of a gist of my story and where I'm currently at. And I can't wait to keep doing the work. I can't wait to meet people and pass this information forward to them. I'm starting a dating detox coaching program to help women just really get to where I am and build confidence and love themselves and love this single chapter. It's beautiful. I can do whatever I want right now. This is actually such a fun chapter of life that I don't think enough people give it credit for. Like, I am just getting ready right now to go on a girl's trip in a couple weeks. I'm going to LA and then I have another girl's trip to Vegas. And I spend my time doing whatever makes me feel good. I am in the spa. I have spa treatments often. I laugh because my aunt is always making fun of me for being in the spa too much. I just really do whatever fills my cup right now. And that's such a beautiful place to be. I think that I'll probably miss this chapter one day.