Call with Mae

The conversation delves into the complexity of forgiving parents, understanding personal behaviors, and relinquishing control. It emphasizes the importance of forgiving parents to facilitate personal healing and growth. The dialogue explores the concept of letting go of resentment and seeking love and acceptance without seeking validation through actions or material gestures. It also touches on the idea of being driven by love instead of spite, ultimately urging to release the need for external validation and to focus on self-love and growth. Okay. Okay. Go on. So, at some point, like, your brain decided to tell you that you didn't like who you were and you didn't want to identify with who you were anymore, but you couldn't stop identifying with that. You kept making decisions that made you identify with that person, right, so your internal dialogue was all screwed up, and then you went, okay, well, there has to be a deeper meaning and reason as to why I'm acting this way and why I'm not changing it, and so the conclusion you came to was your parents, right? But the truth is, your parents are, you know, probably a large percentage of it, but they're not the only percentage of it, and at some point, like, the healing part is forgiving your parents, but also understanding that as people, sometimes we just develop habits, behaviors, and, you know, like, emotions that we, and we, like, kind of cement them as who we are, and sometimes that just happens in life through our experiences, and we get to a point where we realize that we're not happy with that anymore, you know what I mean? Like, maybe you look in the mirror one day and, like, oh my gosh, like, who have I become? And the truth is, like, you probably didn't even realize you were becoming that person until you were there, you know? So, like, forgive your parents, but also keep moving forward, you know? You don't have to spend so much time hung up on this idea of, like, healing from the trauma your parents caused. They probably caused a lot, but forgive them, understand that forgiving them is what is going to allow you to heal, and then start to... Hang on, hang on, one question. So, what is the feeling of forgiveness in your mind, son? For me, I want to think of them, and I feel like, why didn't you do this? Why didn't you come meet Cleon and Sophia? Why didn't you allow a point to learn through life and ended up so far from us? My forgiving them is, so, like, it's... This is an interesting thing, because you can forgive someone truly and not talk to them ever again, or you can forgive someone truly and they still be a part of your daily life. What forgiveness feels like is still loving them, but understanding that what they did was out of your control. You see what I'm saying? Like, you're over here, like, you're saying, like, how do I forgive them and stop questioning why they didn't act a certain way? Well, that just is a matter of releasing control. Right? Like, you have to understand, like, you're never going to... No, but when you're saying that, you really need to say, upon me, releasing them by asking. Is that what I'm understanding? Yeah, yeah. Like, look, this is something I learned in, whenever I was in treatment, okay? Imagine you're on a hook, like a fish hook. Like, imagine your back is hooked into a giant fish hook, okay? Now, imagine that that hook is also attached to, there's another hook, and that the person who, the perpetrator who hurt you, right, sorry, I've been talking all day, the perpetrator who actually inflicted the pain upon you, right, is also on a hook, right next to you, okay? Okay. So, to not let that person off the hook first is to also be on the hook in a lifetime of unforgiveness. Okay, let's contextualize this, because it's so deep and so wonderful. Okay, so, I don't know, I see that the person, I see her being, the person is in a hook. Right. So, you have to, you have to essentially get them off of that hook, and for you to be even, for you to be able to get off the hook yourself, right, because they hurt you. So, their hook is also the pain they caused me. Exactly. Exactly. But the hook, the hook is also, the hook on them is your unforgiveness, also the pain that they caused you. So, it's not, it's not, it's not, oh, okay, okay. It's, and mom, if you really want me to dumb it down, it's really just, like, letting them off the hook is just saying, I don't give a fuck anymore. You hurt me, it happened, that's out of my control, I'm not going to be able to justify or get answers or clarity on why you did it, but I forgive you and I love you regardless. I have to move on with myself now. Yes, and, and, and, like, forgiveness, mom, is really not giving a fuck, but still having love in your heart. And what I mean by not giving a fuck is just not having so much energy expelled. And, and, and, can I tell you the catch here for, for me, which I, I'm not saying it's permanent, I'm not saying it's a determinant, I'm telling the catch, because you're actually helping me see a different perspective, is that whenever I have love in my heart, I give, I serve. And, and when I first, when we first go back talking, we stopped talking and we went back, I go back to being the same Mohamed that want to help a poor one and help the, and be, and give all my, for myself as a way to seek love and acceptance. Let me cut you off real quick, though, that's the thing. So that, that's the thing. You learned to express your love by giving, right? But this one's kind of like a double-edged sword. Not everyone is deserving of your giving, and you don't have to, you don't have to seek validation for the love that you give by giving. You can give some, by giving materially, by giving financially, you can give love and still love without ever having any sort of material thing to back it up. And that's okay. You don't need, you don't need their validation. You don't need to help them financially. You don't need to go and try and get your brother a job to show them that you love them. No, you, you just need to love them, and you just need to let them know, hey, like, I love you regardless. No matter how I feel about how you guys acted, that's out of my control. I cannot control how you guys acted. I cannot control how you will act. All I can control is me, and if you want a relationship with them, then the controllable that you can control is making the conscious decision to love them regardless of their faults and, and get them off the hook and get yourself off the hook, right? So, like, release them of that, that power that they have. Release yourself of the power they have over you and keep them in your life and love them. Or you can still love them, right? Option B would be still loving them, letting them off the hook once again, but then choosing actively to not have them in your life. You can love someone and not have them in your life. As hard as that, you know, like, as much, like, you're old enough to understand, and I think I'm mature enough to understand, like, I have plenty of people I love on this earth, mom, that, like, I love them. I wish the best for them. But I also don't want them in my life. Yeah. You know, that's part of me. That's okay. It's okay. I'm so thankful that you achieved this level of consciousness at such a young age. And I know that, I don't know for a fact, but, well, I know the pain that I've seen going through, but I don't know the pain in your heart, right? Only we know. But, like you said, in the beginning of the conversation, we can use pain to motivate us and to drive us. And the way that I did was by building matter, a material structure to be able to give you and Sophia opportunities, because that is what I thought that mattered. And in all reality, if I would go back when I was way, way stable, and Sophia was about six months old, and you were four, I would probably have done the same thing, because I didn't want to, I mean, I didn't want to see you guys struggling with my pain. I'm going to cut you off real quick. This is what I think you should hear, right? And remember, I've told you this before, like, people who love you are going to tell you what you should hear, not what you want to hear. Wow, guy. You built an entire life and an entire identity off of spite. You and Kaitlyn are so similar in that way, where if somebody does you wrong or somebody tells you you can't or are incapable of doing or producing or acting upon something, that drives you so deeply to go and do it. You guys are very, and it's not like spite, I don't think, is the right word for it. That's just the only word I can pinpoint it on, because that's how Kaitlyn enacted it upon me. But, like, you operate out of spite, right? You built a beautiful life to prove to your parents that you could, to prove to everyone in Brazil that you could, and, you know, maybe to prove to yourself that you could a little bit, chinana, whoever, you know what I mean? But you didn't because you were like, you know what, everybody's betting against me, so bet against me, I'm going to bet on myself. And that's great. That is good. That's a very great and unique character trait to have that a lot of people don't. A lot of people are lazy, in general. They'll be like, oh, poor me, they don't like me. But, now, what the challenge for you is, right, I'd say the first challenge is just understand, like, let your parents off the hook. Stop, like, stop, like, and I mean this in the most respectful way, like, fuck them, you know what I mean? And I just cuss, Mom, I don't mean like, fuck them, like, like... No, they get cussed, too. Yeah, right. I get your point. Just like, just like, screw them, you know what I mean? Like, it's cool, like, you love them, you know, however you choose to engage with them is on you. But just love them. Let them off the hook. Let it be. You can't control it. Control the controllables. You cannot control what they have to say. You cannot control what they do. You cannot control if they want to give you answers or not. And that's not your problem to deal with. That's not your fault. So just let them off the hook. The second thing, the second step that I'd say you need to take is learning how to, instead of have spite and, you know, you know, people betting against you drive you, I think you should learn how to be driven off of love. And how you... That's why I'm here. No, but that's what I'm saying, like, but what I mean by love, like, take it from me as a kid who, you know, your first love from what you say, right? Like, like, like you always showed me love the same way you tried to show... You showed me and Sophia love the same way you tried to prove everybody else wrong by giving us everything. You're like, look, I can get the, like, the world is at my fingertips and I will grasp it and I will show you that I can grasp it. And Sophia and I were blessed enough to, you know, be in the crossfire. Now, that's not the right, you know, terminology for it, but like we were just in the crossfire of you showing the world you were capable of getting it and then you getting it and we were your byproducts. So you were like here and that's how you showed love. That's how you learn how to show love, right? Yes. You need to learn how to not show love like that anymore because that obviously is not what you identify with anymore. It sounds to me like you're really close to forgiving your parents and it sounds to me like you're really close to moving more intensely with love as the driver instead of spite and, you know, you know, gritty, very gritty mentality. Like, it sounds to me like you're right on the cusp, but you really need to kind of start acting in that way. You don't have to give us things. You don't have to provide to show love, you know. You don't have to do that. You can just love. You know what I mean? Yes. And that's, um, I am quite positive that that's what I'm here to do and that you're not the first person to tell me that, um, but you're my son, so it's deeper. But people that I met here, without knowing my story, without knowing the story of my parents, totally like, um, they know my story in Houston, you know what I mean? But not my, you know, they told me the same thing, which is pretty incredible that I'm hearing that you see from that perspective and appreciate and I want to thank you for because, um, it takes a lot for me to be, um, humble to accept guidance from anybody. And coming from you in a moment of healing, it's the best gift ever. My, you know, I'm still figuring myself out and shit. I'm still figuring me out, but if anything, you know, if I've learned anything in this life so far, because some days it seems like I haven't learned shit, you know what I mean? Some days I'm like, am I fucking stupid or what is going on? Oh, come on. It's a conversation that we had, like, you know, when you were telling me not to elevate our brain power, but sometimes we think so much and there's like, don't you stupid because you're smart? I mean, I don't know if that makes sense to you. No, it literally happens all the time. Like sometimes I'm like, how did I even make this decision? Like, did I, like, am I stupid or like, and then like, but then it's also different because in the grand scheme of things, some days I'm like, oh yeah, fuck it. Like, you know, like life will happen and I'll figure it out. And then other days I'm like, how the fuck am I going to figure life? You know, it's just, but to what I was saying, you know, if I've learned anything in this life about like people and their trauma and da da da da da, love is the highest frequency. Learn how to operate on love and, and use pain as a motivator to go and pursue love at an even greater capacity. You know what I'm saying? And like, and like, you know, mom, like, you don't know this. You were already gone. I was broke as shit the other day. I was broke as fuck. Okay. You told me that's your name. No, no, no, no. Like this was like a week or two ago. Broke as shit. Didn't have much money in my bank account. And, uh, like I had just enough to eat two meals for the day and gas. Okay. And I was like, and there was this dude on the highway on ICANN and he was homeless. So I went and bought him Chipotle and I haven't ever personally been like completely homeless, but I've been so fucking close to it. But you also had a lot. Do you mean? No, Mark. Can I finish? Jesus. Okay. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. That's like you, the woman who provided for me. Like, I know I've had a lot. Mom, trust me. But I went and got the dude some food and I brought him food and his name was Kevin. He was a trucker who, you know, ended up not in a good position. Um, uh, and the reason I bought him the food was because I felt the pain of scarcity before. I felt the pain of uncertainty. You know, I felt the pain of not knowing what the fuck to do and being down bad on my ass. And that pain drove me to go in and exude love in any way I could. And the way I could was by buying that man a meal because we are just, everybody is just one, one month's bad paycheck away from being in the same position as Kevin. Cause that's what happened to him. You know what I mean? And so that's why I bought him the food and I didn't, and I didn't, I don't want anything like, I don't want good karma for it. Like I didn't do it for like grounding points with the fucking universe. I did it because I had felt that pain and seeing other humans feel pain that I felt I hate. So I have to show them love at some capacity. And I think that's how we all get better and move forward. Like you're saying, like you're in Tulum to learn how to love. Mom, all you need to do is find people. Don't always try to be the golden person in the room who can present and bring opportunities to people's doorsteps. Sometimes you just need to be the person in the room who can resonate with someone and give them kindness, buy them a drink, listen to them. You know what I mean? I'm listening. I'm processing. Like, like I'll give you an example. There was this girl who works at that bar that you'd like to go to. Um. Borders. Oh, okay. That's the borders. Yeah. There was this girl and you were like talking to her drunk one night and you were like, yeah, like I can help you. I can help you. I know you're trying to get a better life and your heart was in the right place, but you were doing it more for your ego than you were for trying to exude love into her life. I don't know if ego is the right word and I'm getting it from my heart. It's the desire to see somebody not going through what I went through. Right. So you're taking the pain in your heart. It's not immediately. It's not to feel good for her. I don't care about how she feels. I don't need to elevate it. But when you're drunk, like mom, let me tell you this. When you did that, I knew I was your fucking son because you know how many times I was drunk as shit when I was doing solar and I was at the club and some fucking 19 year old came up to me and he's like, what do you do for work? And I was like, well, I'm going to get you a job. I got you. I'm going to change your life. I can show you, you know, like I get it. I literally get it. Like I've done it myself. I've been inebriated around new people and been like, look at what I've done for myself. I can help you do it too. But then we never followed through with it because it's not truly genuine in those moments where I'm inebriated. It's not the authentic us. No, I understand. I understand and agree wholeheartedly, but I don't want to deviate from where you were going. So what I'm saying is, you know, sometimes it's not always about like how much we as you and me, sometimes it's not about us having to like show people how we made something from nothing. Right? Because that's what I'm saying. Sometimes it is the ego. Sometimes maybe we do want to help those people. We truly do. And we feel the pain they've came from and we mean to do it with love. But then when it comes down to following through with it, we don't because in that moment we were inebriated and we were talking to people in a way that also elevated our sense of ourselves. Right. And because of that, that's where the lack of follow through comes in. The lack of consistency with how we represent love and, you know, help to others. But to not get too deep into the semantics, that's just something for you to think about and process on. Think about that and process on it. Whenever you're done doing that, understand that sometimes it's just like just looking at someone or hearing about someone's pain and just giving them an ear, just giving them some kindness. It doesn't always have to be. And I think you are very much that person, but you also want to be a person who's involved and wants to help. And, you know, it's like, also mom, you know, maybe give it to yourself. That's another one I didn't think about. Maybe stop giving it to so many people. Seems like you do it a lot. How to give it to myself? I don't know. Man, mom, you know, that's one I don't have an answer for you yet. I'm still learning. I'm still learning. It's hard. It is. So hard. It's so hard. It's hard. So fucking hard. But don't you think it's related to not feeling worthy of? I swear to goodness I'm worthy enough for a million dollars. I just don't think I made the right decisions to get there yet. Or maybe I haven't taken the risks. Or maybe I haven't educated myself enough. Maybe I haven't given myself enough time. I don't know. I don't know. No, but giving to yourself. I'm not talking just, I mean, monetarily. I mean, giving to myself. I mean, I've given to myself. You mean like deserving of self-love? Man, mom, maybe, you know, like, maybe like, yeah, like maybe I don't feel like I'm deserving of self-love. Maybe that comes from my own personal insecurities. Maybe that comes from not forgiving myself for ways I've acted. You know what I mean? Like, like, that's another big one. You gotta forgive yourself. That shit's hard as fuck. Forgiving yourself is harder than forgiving others. It is. Like, I've forgiven so many people. There's shit from 2017 someone reminds me of and I'm like, fuck, I hate myself. I'm like, fuck. Yeah, you are my son. You know what I mean? Forgiving yourself is the hardest part. It's like, you're there and you're like, like. But it haunts you, right? Yeah. It's like self-loathing on overdrive. It's like someone could fuck me over and like, I'll forgive them. But if I fuck someone over and then someone reminds me of it, I'm like, fuck. Then I just think about it and think about it. And then I'm like, fuck, is that who I am as a person? And then I start over-identifying with it and over-rationalizing. I'm like, no, no, no, I'm not that person. But I accidentally say, I must be that person. What if I'm stuck this way forever? You know? What? No, it's just so, so, um, the conversation is just so, um, inspiring. And from a timing perspective, um, and I've been looking for answers. And because of the habits that I've created and the conditions, right, that got imprinted in my subconscious mind and my heart, that I keep going back to the same place. And funny enough, I went out for a two-hour walk, and in a walk- Hey, actually, just real quick. I'm going to stop this recording. I'm going to end the call. I've got to answer this call super quick. And then I'm going to call you back. I love you. Bye.