test pilot Mrr on da Wll

Mirror on the Wall is a podcast where the hosts discuss self-reflection and personal growth. They talk about the challenges of starting the podcast and the importance of taking action. One host, Gary, shares his story of overcoming addiction and finding accountability in his life. He talks about how he used to constantly seek validation from others and escape through drugs and other distractions. Eventually, he realized that he needed to make a change and take responsibility for his actions. The other host, Victor, discusses his upbringing and the pressure he felt to meet societal expectations. Both hosts emphasize the importance of self-reflection and making positive changes in one's life. Welcome to Mirror on the Wall, where we take the time to reflect deep inside ourselves and make a positive impact, not only within our lives, but in the lives of those who surround us. Alright, so this is our test pilot for the Mirror on the Wall podcast. My name is Victor Ochoa, and I have Gary Foulkes. Alright guys, so here it is. We've been talking about doing this for a while. We've just kind of been back and forth, not really knowing how to go about this, you know, and it was one of those testimonies to where too much analysis causes paralysis, right? Right. So we're paralyzed a little bit on getting started, but here we are, you know, giving it the first go around to see how this is going to sound, what it looks like, what it feels like, and trying to make this, I don't know, something that could be of service to others that our experiences in this road of recovery, as well as, you know, reflecting on our accountability as individuals, it looks like now versus what it looked like before, right? Right. So what we'll do today, to start off, Gary, why don't you go ahead and start us off, tell us a little bit about you, what, you know, who you are, where you come from, you know, what brings you to this point of your life, and what it looked like before. Alright, well, good afternoon everybody. So my name is Gary Foulkes, as we had talked about earlier, and really what brought me to this point was waking up one day and realizing that because I hadn't taken the time to stop and look at how my actions affected myself and those around me, I woke up a three-time felon, drug addict, living in a sober living, and at some point I had to stop and look in the mirror and see who am I, and what is it that I want to do with myself, and more importantly, what does that action look like, right? Right. Because at this point, like we said even at the beginning of this, we can do a lot of reflection, we can do a lot of thinking, right? And we can think ourselves into something, and if any of you are like me, at times you can also make yourself right out of it. Right, yeah. You know, so taking that action, and that's where a lot of that fear is, that action, that what if, like am I good enough for this action, what if I fail? But you're already failing if you're not taking that action either. So that's a lot of kind of like where this came to is just deciding that what do I want better in life, willing to take that look in the mirror, right, and not look at it like how, because you know normally like I would look in the mirror when I could see, right? It was that, we'll get to that as well, but when I would look in the mirror, I kept looking in the mirror as how do others see me, right? Is this how others see me? Rather than taking the time to look in the mirror to see how do I see myself, and not being afraid of how I see myself, right? Not to beat myself up or condemn myself, right? But as what I've said before, that compelling myself, like where is it that I want to make those changes, right? It's like you look in the mirror, you're doing your check in the morning, you brush your teeth, like okay, look like I need to brush my teeth, okay, you know what, it's about time to make that appointment with the, go get a haircut, right? Right, right. So that's that analogy, look, okay, time to get a haircut, you need to look at life, okay, you know what, I haven't been keeping my stuff clean, right? I can't even keep my room clean. Definitely, and it's one of those things where like, you know, how far is too far and how much is enough, you know? Right. So tell us a little bit about how, what it looked like before you started making these reflections and started taking this road of accountability, right, for your actions and started to, you know, because for me, it took a while before I even realized that I wasn't doing certain things in my life for myself, like I wasn't being accountable, and I was just kind of like existing, right? Right. But I couldn't see it, I was blind. Right. Right. And not understanding why this blindness was happening, you know, emotional, mental, spiritual blindness was happening. Right. Was a big factor, so what was it like before? So before, what it was was like I was constantly jumping from one thing to the next thing, one thing to the next thing, like a jack of all trades and a master of none, right? Right. Because I was learning just enough, like I got it, I got it, it looks good on the outside surface, right? How do I look to those around me, right? But I'm constantly drowning under my expectations, not only for myself, but the expectations that I have put upon myself from others. And so I constantly just want to run, I was just overwhelmed, right? So I chose to run like through drugs and escape women and just anything that could get me away from adulting or having to take that time to really look. And I just felt myself constantly just overwhelmed. And then, and then one day it just hit that, like, so I'm blind as well, right? And so one day I looked at that, I had to look at that and say, there were some things that maybe I couldn't have done to save my vision. Right. So you're physically blind. Physically blind, right. And so I just had to stop and just look at life and say, look, what are you, what am I going to do at this point? Right. Am I going to sit and wait to die or am I ready to start living? Right. Because it just became so, basically what happened, I ran myself into a corner. Right. I just couldn't get out. I punched as many holes as I could in the wall, but the wall was still there. Right. And I just had to make that decision that I wanted to live for something. Right. Live for myself. So in your life, don't interrupt right there. So now what I'm trying to do is I'm trying to get a picture of, of how did you get to this point where you were, you found yourself in this corner. Right. What and how did it, did it progress to that funnel point? Right. Which is that corner where it's just no more wiggle room. There's no more excuses. There's no more, you know, justifications and rationalizations on why we do this. But how was it that you got to that point? Like, you know, what caused this, this unveiling, I guess, of our lives when, when, when we're, when we're out there gunning and running? It, it just, it just, after all it, it kind of just all came together, if I'm understanding you correctly, it all just came to that. I, I have created that life that I have, and I have no excuses but myself. I've used up all the excuses. Right. I've blamed everybody I could blame except for myself. Right. Because those were perfect excuses because who wants to, who wants to look in the mirror and say, you did this. Right. Right. And I got to that point where I was like, no more, no more. And I stopped at one point and was like, look, like I was brought up better than this. I, more importantly, I know better than this. So tell us a little bit about that. How were your upbringings? You know, so my, my upbringing, you know, and I love my parents to death. Right. They did the best they could with what they have. So I want to go ahead and get that disclaimer out. Right. Cause you know, we love our parents. Right. We love our parents. We love our parents. Cause you know, we love our parents. Right. Of course. And you know, and God knows my kids, you know, may have their own views on my parenting, but the biggest thing was like, I was the product of my environment. Right. Like in my neighborhood, I was, my dad brought me up with education. Right. So being as a black man, right. Like I grew up in a predominantly white neighborhood, lower middle class, and it was too black to fit in with the white, but too, but too white acting to be with the black. So it just put me in this middle of constantly wanting to improve myself. And so what society, what society said is a good man, right? What society is a good man. And what is a good black man? And what is a cool black man? And all these things that I felt that I had to live up to these expectations, right. Too much influenced by music and the people around me. Right. The cool guy, what I thought was the cool guy was the guy that had the nice car and the women and the money and the cool clothes. Right. And so why I chased those dreams, ironically enough, the more empty I felt. Like I could have a closet full of the latest Jordans and polo and, you know, I'm from the nineties, so polo and Jordans, you know, and the women and then, and then phone full of women and still feeling lonely. Yeah. Right. Yeah. What do you think? Right. Like, so what are your thoughts with that? Like, like how, how is your upbringing? You know, I, so I'm a foreign national. I was, I was born in Mexico and, you know, my upbringing, as I recall it growing up as a kid, there was always family around. Right. And, but there was, there wasn't a lot of money. Right. You know, there were struggles and there was, you know, family issues as always, but there always was family nucleus around me. Right. I had cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents and parents around me. So when my mom decided to pack up and, and, and, and leave and come to the States, you know, she dragged us right along with her. Right. Separating us from that, that comfort zone, that nucleus, right. Right. So we didn't have that growing up, but nevertheless, we still had principles. We still had morals bestowed upon us. Right. We never had expectations though. And people talk about like, expectations are not good. Right. But when I talk about expectations, I talk about, you know, I was never told you're supposed to go to college. Right. You know, I was always bullied by my stepdad, you know, regards to, you know, you're a cholo, you know, this and that. And, you know, I remember breaking down one day and really upset cause him and this friend was just, just clowning on me, bro. Right. I was maybe like 10, 11 years old and, and I got, I got really upset and I told him like, why can't you call me a, you know, motherfucking attorney or something? Like, why, why, why do I gotta be a cholo? Why do I gotta be this? Why do I, you know, so I can recognize that the, you know, a lot of people say that reverse psychology, those shit don't work on me. Reverse psychology really didn't work on me. Right. Cause, why? Because I lacked an identity of my own. Right. Being separated from my family at such a young age, I was like 10 years old. And we had a lot of instability, you know, parents got divorced very young, mom, you know, mom, mom struggle, you know, at a very young age with having two, two kids and, and, and dad was a Rolling Stone, you know, he was a rock star and, you know, out in Mexico and whatnot. And, um, he started his own family. So all of that encompassing, I mean, I can break it down to, you know, where it all, even where their, their situation is. I can take their inventory too, but ultimately what it is, is for me being separated created this, this, um, this anxiety, right? Right here. Um, which I have now, as I began to, um, embark on this recovery journey for myself, emotionally, mentally, physically, um, I recognize that everything that happened in my life was fear driven. Right. And it all stemmed from the fact that I was afraid of separation. Right. Because I was always alone. I grew up alone. So automatically there were many, you know, counseling sessions. I came to the understanding that, right. I was in survival mode. Therapy is good, y'all. Yeah. Yeah. Therapy helps. It's not, you know, it's not all, it's part of it, but it really helps, uh, unveil some things. And for me, it was the fact that I was on survival mode all the time. Yeah. Um, and a lot of my behaviors, a lot of my decisions, a lot of my actions were fear driven. Right. Stemming from that survival mode. See, and as you, as you bring that up, right, I can think about that too. Right. Because, uh, my dad grew up in a big family, right. But we're out here in Arizona, we're in Germany, and then we're out here in Arizona and all of my other relatives are back East. Right. So it was just us and he always just brought me and my brother. So we still felt like I didn't get that experience with cousins and, and grandma, you know, grandma came into town once in a while. Right. But it wasn't that I didn't have that same bond of it. And, and like, I could feel that my entire life was always about seeking outside connections and seeking, uh, to fit into other people's mold as opposed to fitting into myself. Right. I didn't, you know, and again, like this is not to, they did the best they could. Right. But I didn't feel like I was giving it up to show it, who, what is the identity that I want to create for myself? Right. My identity was, I am, I am a child who does what he's told. Right. Go to school, get good grades. And then, like you said, those long lectures of, uh, why don't you stop doing what you're doing? So you could, you know, be a lawyer or a doctor. Mine were, oh, you're gonna, you're going to be somebody's bitch in prison. Right. You know, my girls are going to like you and the big girls. Right. Shout out the big girls. Right. Like, but like, these are the things that, uh, these are the things that were conditioned into me. Right. You know, they, you know, it's funny at one point they tell you sticks and stones may break my bones, but words don't hurt. Well, whoever said that, you know, it's bullshit. So, you know, I'm saying that there's been words out there that are really stuck to me to my core and the older I get and something new comes that's a struggle or brings on that fear that you were talking about earlier. How many, how can you really, maybe you can relate to how many times you sit back to all those things you were told back then that just sprout back up to your mind automatically, whether you, no matter how much work you've done, how much therapy, that thought just hits you again. Right. Oh yeah. It's like, yeah. Oh yeah. You know, like, like I just finished the school, I just finished the school program right now. And I prove to myself I can do a lot. Right. I went to this finish this blind, this blind program, right. Comprehensive program to live indefinitely blind. And as I start the new school program, which I know I have the skills to do, it's in me, like I'm at the bottom of that hill again. Like, you know, I'm good enough for this. You know, I'm gonna be able to get a job or you're going to get this certificate and you're just going to fail. You're abroad, you know, and, and, and, and everything that I've learned about my growth and my therapy and my self-confidence is immediately started right at ground zero again, because of all those thoughts that I figured out about growing. Right. Like, you know, I haven't been, I haven't been told that in like almost 30 years, but yet they're still come up to the forefront. Yeah. Yeah. There's a video that I, that I, a recovery video that I, that I, that I really like. And, and it's by Dr. Bobo. It's called best explanation about recovery, right. Or addiction. Okay. Right. Because there's, there's addiction in my story, right. Right. To various things, not only substances, but codependency, sex, even arcades. Right. My, my, my my addict behaviors develop and manifest themselves at a very young age. So I came to understand through that video that, you know, a lot of that is trauma-based. Right. So, and we also, we also, you sent me a video too, about our bodies reacting to that trauma. Right. Right. And, and how physically we actually begin to feel it. So we stop holding ourselves. We, you know, we, we lay in bed a little too long. We, you know, overeat or we, we avoid certain things like working out. And I can see that in my life a lot. As much as I am working a program recovery at this point, it still manifests itself and it's an ever ending, you know, never ending actually process. So how, how, you know, do I just give up on it? Do I just say, fuck it, that's just never going to get better. And that's, but that's the key. That's the key word right there. Right. It, it's progress. It's just, it gets a little bit better every time. And, and even though it still happens and it's going to continue to happen and those emotions are going to continue to pop up and those thoughts are going to continue to appear in our, in our, in our minds, but it gets better. The management of it gets better. Right. Right. You know, the, the, the immediate reflection or being able to take immediate action and recognize it. Whereas before I just didn't have that. Right. So everything was trauma and fear-based. I didn't take a second to not be impulsive. Right. Because I was afraid, because I was scared, because this seemed a little bit too much like everything else that has happened in my life that just sucks. And, and it's just the way it is for me. Right. Yeah. The weight of all of it. Right. Yeah. And I remember that that was one of the things like, I hate it when people would tell me, well, you should already know. Not to put it in my mouth, but I'm not even going to say it, but there was a very significant person in my life. They used to tell me, you should already know, you know, you should already, you know, you shouldn't, that's just who I am. That's just the way I hated that. But then I took on that. Right. And then that very same, in that very same relationship, there was a lot of verbal attacks. Right. Right. And, and, and everything that that person verbally attacked me. Yeah. About wasn't happening in that moment. Right. Right. And in that moment, I would think about it and say, that's not me. Right. But because I had prior trauma. Right. Of separation. Right. From being a foreign national, not speaking the language, being picked on. Right. Being marginalized. Right. Being separated. And when I say separated, they would pull me out of class and put me on, on special education classes away from the other kids. Right. Almost as if I was retarded. Right. Excuse the word. I'm not saying that, but we're going to edit that out. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. Almost if I wasn't capable of understanding and being apt to learn along with the other kids. Right. You just, you just didn't speak the language. I just didn't speak the language. But they treated you, they treated you like you were, like you were learning, learning, challenged. Right. Right. Yeah. And so all of these things create insecurity. Right. You know, all of these things create not being able to talk to the girls. Right. You know, and then being made fun of when you did try it. Right. Right. So it creates this, this animosity towards wanting to excel at a certain point. It doesn't happen to everybody, but it happens to certain people. And there's certain people just have this chemical reaction to certain things. Right. Right. And I was one of those persons. I was one of those people that, that it happened to. So going back into everything is trauma-based. Right. To this day, I can still feel my body, my mind, my, my, my emotions reacting. Right. To certain things. You know, not, not, not too long ago, it just happened then. Right. You know, I had someone come back into my life and I, you know, immediately started building cows in the sky and, and that cold dependency. And right. But this time I caught it at a period of time where I was like, you know what? No, this is not what I want. This is not what I, this is not where my energy is at right now. Right. But then I think, I think you bring up a good point right there that like, so when you're like doing recovery and you're, and you're, and you're working through trauma, right. Like we want to make it clear that like, not everybody has trauma has done drugs to you know, to get over their trauma. Right. Like there's so many effects. It's just sometimes drugs are, makes it pretty quick to know, Hey, I have a problem I have to work on. Right. But when you get to this point, especially like where we're at in recovery, this is where it gets deep, where you really have to do that deep to see how is it affecting you now? Cause obviously if you see you got to stay away from drugs and alcohol, you see how that's messed up your life, but you're like, okay, am I, am I overeating or am I overworking now? Or, or, or am I seeking validation through, you know, women or, or clothes? Right. Like I got, I got two feet in like 30 shoes. Right. Like, you know, you know what I mean? Because I have to watch and say, Hey, is this something I'm doing because this is something that I truly enjoy or am I using these to give myself validation? Right. To get over my trauma, to compensate for trauma. Yeah. You know? Yeah. It's, it's, it's, it's this need to fulfill this, this void, right? This, um, to soothe this ache from the rejection. Right. Or in my case, it would be to soothe from the disappointment of setting an expectation on something that I had no control over. Right. You know, and then, and then before in the past, I would be very resentful at that. Right. And I would use that as fuel. You'd still be up on it, right? Right. Right. Trying to like, got to make it work, squeeze the life out of it. You know, you'd be like, I don't want to talk to you no more. And then five minutes later, what are you up to? Right. You know what I'm saying? Right. Right. You know, you just want to be, you just want to let it out and you want to let them know that you're upset. Right. But you're not going to let go. Right. Right. Right. You're, you're, you're, you're not ready to deal with that void. Right. Right. Or, or, or afraid of that, the trauma of like, cause you're like, this is going to bring back all those, because really that's what it is. And you're bringing back all those feelings from childhood, all back to I'm alone. Right. And I'm not worthy. Right. Right. And, and, and, and, you know, but because of the deep work that you're willing to do daily, right? Like you're able to see this sooner and be like, okay, you know what, this isn't serving. And because I do, I am able to value myself with myself. Right. You're able to say, hey, this isn't serving me. This isn't for better for my higher, you know, this isn't for my higher purpose, my higher good. Right. Right. And you're able to say, okay. And, and yeah, and it comes down to that. So I, it's a self-acceptance part of it. Right. But mostly it's the ability to be able to cope with the things that come in just daily life, just dealing with people in general, you know. Right. And not allowing those circumstances to dictate how I feel about myself. Right. You know how, how my struggle is less than. Right. Or how my struggle is more than, and then try to use that as an excuse because nobody understands me because nobody understands what I'm going through because, you know I give everything and nobody gives anything. Right. And return and, you know, and I'm such a nice person. Right. And that was the biggest thing that I had, I had the biggest issue with. I thought I was a really nice guy. I thought I was a really nice guy. And people would say, you're a really nice guy. But when I self-reflect and, and, and analyze like, why did I get into so much shit, bro? Like in so many, why so many broken relationships, not, and not just girlfriends, like friends, friendships, coworkers, you know, bosses or ex-employers. Right. Why so many broken relationships? Right. I thought I was a nice guy. I thought they said I was a nice guy. Right. But then I think about it and I was like, no I wasn't. I was a self-centered, selfish, egotistical, you know. Right. Narcissistic, you know, tendencies. Right. To, to want to be accepted. Right. Right. As long as you accepted me, then I did everything. But the moment you made me feel bad, I'm going to show you, I'm going to show you who I am. Yeah. And I'm going to get you. Right. Because you hurt me. Right. Because you said I was ugly, I couldn't read. I don't know. Right, right, right. But, but now, you know, and it all stems back into that survival mode, that, that drive. Right. You know, for me, it was, you know, based on, on thinking that I wasn't good enough because I was not told, but I was put in a position where they made me feel. Right. Not they, but the system made me feel I wasn't good enough because I'm foreign national, because I didn't speak the language, because, you know, a socioeconomical fucking background or whatever the case may have been. But that was that, and that's where it had stopped. But I carried it and I carry it for over fucking 35 years, bro. Right. So one day I wake up and I'm fucking 45 years old and I'm like, what the fuck? Right. Because you said we would talk ourselves out of it. Right. You know, I had the opportunities of businesses. Right. I have opportunities. I'm, I'm that typical case. I was that typical case of the individual that only if, I was that, I'm the only if. Yeah. Only if we would have got over himself. Only if we would apply himself. Right. You know, I had so much potential. Right. I had all the potential in the world. Right. People believed in me. People trusted me, trusted in me. People were willing to invest in me. Right. And I just took it for granted. Right. See, that would come at any time, or you would panic and not feel, like, like you said, like that, I think that video we were watching that one time with the Tyrese, right? Like. Oh, yeah. We were talking about. Yeah, Trina, that it was rented, right? Everything was rented. Your success is rented. So, you know, like you ever got, you know, had that rental car you drove, like it's stolen, right? Because you got to give it back, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Or you're like, I'm not worthy. Or as soon as I start to truly enjoy this, someone's going to take it from you. You don't see any longevity in it. Yeah. People are going to take it from you. They're going to, they're going to only be nice to you to take from you your success. Right. Right. And man, I feel like I can really relate with that on like so many levels. Right. And, and I think like one of the things that like, like they talk about here too, is that like there's all this knowledge because I think, you know, I can both look at, right. Like, we know that deep down, right. We're, we're, we're smart enough. Right. But the other thing I was told I was too smart for my own good. Right. Right. But, but when it comes to applying that action, right. Because we were taught, because I think, I think we took on whether, whether I'm not going to say necessarily what we were taught, but what we learned from everything, what I feel at least I learned from everybody was that what I don't know how to do, run, run from it. Right. I chose to run from it because I didn't want to deal with all the pain, all that emotional pain. Right. I just kept running and just kept running and just kept running. Right. And now as I look at things, my, that's my biggest fight is not run from work. Because like you said, like, we have these great, even, even, even this, right. This podcast, right. Hey, this has been, we're going to tell you how many, how long we've been working on this. Right. Right. Until the day finally came where we just stopped and said, you know what, good, bad, let's just get it done. We're going to just turn around and face it. Right. And the beauty of that is that now we're applying it. Right. The action, the action comes in because, you know, a lot of times you may have heard this misconception, right. That knowledge is power. Right. But it's applied knowledge as power. What good is all that in your brain if you don't apply it and willing to look into that fear and turn around and say, yeah, I am afraid. I am nervous. I am scared. I do at times feel all these things that are in me, but in spite of that, I'm going to do it anyway, because I love me more than that fear. Right. And I'm willing to stand up and fight for myself. Right. Right. You know, fight still in the face of fear. Right. Yep. Yeah. I, um, I think we're going to end it with this because that's, that's a good stop right there. You know, fear, you know, one of the things that, you know, I, um, I think I mentioned it before and I just want to, you know, reiterate right now is like fear without hope. Um, it's just pain, bro. Yeah. It's just pain, but fear with hope. Yeah. It's just growth. Yeah. You know, you embrace it, you know, fear is still there. Yeah. But you have to have some faith. You have to have some hope. Yeah. You know, you have to believe in something other, you know, other than yourself that, you know, there's a purpose to, to, to this madness that, that the world brings. Right. Yeah. So, um, today, the fact that I don't collapse on the fear, it does paralyze me because of how long he kept us from putting on this mics. Right. But, um, but this is it like we were on it, but we just did it. You came here and said, we're going to do it. And we did it. Yeah. We pulled some triggers. So yeah. And we faced some fears. Right. Some insecurities. Right. Um, because even up to hit and record on this, on this thing, I was like, oh, well, you know what? Let's, let's just, you know, have a meeting about having a meeting. Right. Right. Right. I'm going to go see. I'm going to be productive with any other. Yeah. Anything but this. Are there any dishes that need to be washed? Right. Right. Right. Anybody want their own cheese right now? Right. I gotta keep myself busy, but, um, so we're going to stop it right there. I think, uh, so this is our first go around, um, and, and, and we're going to keep figuring it out, man, but you know, we're doing it now. Yeah. We're in it. So doing it. All right. So once again, I'm Victor and I'm Gary and this is a mirror on the wall. Yep. Yep.