S+S episode 4

Filler words, such as um and ah, can create stress for speakers. They are often used because people feel uncomfortable with pauses. However, pauses can actually create suspense and emphasize what is being said. To reduce filler words, it is important to become aware of them and change our mindset about pauses. Practicing with a friend or recording ourselves can help us become more comfortable with pauses and reduce filler words. Being prepared and having a few key points in mind can also help in unscripted situations. Hello and welcome back to the Speaking and Storytelling Podcast. I'm your host, Emanuela Hall, and this is episode number four, Filler Words, Why We Say Them and How to Stop. Filler words, I thought we'd jump right into the juicy topic that I get so many questions about. It's funny because filler words are so small, but they create such a big amount of angst and stress for so many speakers that I see. Before we get into why we say them and how we can stop saying them, let's talk about them for a minute. Filler words are not the be-all and end-all of speaking. If you say a filler word here and there, every now and then, that is nothing to alert the press about. That is nothing for you to get all wrapped up in your shame and your guilt and your judgments. You are not a failure, okay? There you go. I just said my first filler word, okay. Filler words do not need to stop you dead in your track. You don't need to make any mind drama about it. It is something that happens to all of us. We're going to talk about why it happens to all of us, but first, let's identify what I mean by filler words because there are also filler phrases, and I want to say we are recording this episode in the spring of 2024. Filler words, they trend. They trend. They do. Right now, there are some filler words that probably were not filler words 10 years ago or 20 years ago or 50 years ago. I wonder what filler words they were saying back in, like, 1930s, you follow, you see? I think that's what they were saying. You follow, you see? I digress. The filler words of 2024 are things like, so, which, caveat here, I use that filler word a lot. I am working on it. The work in progress. Another filler word is um or ah, which is probably the most common. The other one is like, literally, actually, and another one of my favorites, you know? I was listening to a podcast the other day of a really amazing coach and a dear friend, and almost every sentence she said, you know, it's like, you know, you know, you know? This is one that you can be mindful of. Why do we say these? Why do we add these unnecessary words? And also, why should we stop saying that? Because maybe you're like, I don't see what the big deal is with my umming and ahhing. It is not a problem unless it's overused. If you drop a so or a like or, you know, in one of your podcast episodes or when you're on stage, it's okay, because guess what? Probably most people didn't notice. If you are dropping them after every second sentence, then it's a problem. Why do we say that? Here's my unpopular opinion, and it might be a little triggering for you, my friend, but we add especially uh and um because we are feeling unsafe in the pause. For whatever reason, maybe it was the way we heard other people speak growing up. Maybe people said things to us like, hurry up. We feel like if we take a moment to pause, this is probably subconsciously, that we're going to lose our audience, that we're taking up too much time. Rather than taking a moment to pause, we add words. It's like we have this fear of letting the other person know that we have to sometimes think about what we're going to say, and that is such a silly fear. It's better to pause and think about your next line. Think about your response, your reply. Think about where you are in your script than to keep plowing through, rambling on, and umming and ahhing all over the place. Am I right? Am I right? But there's something deeply ingrained in us, and I notice this especially in women, where our nervous system just does not like it. We get uncomfortable. We're afraid we don't sound smart. We're afraid we're going to lose them. And this also goes along the lines with speaking really quickly, which could be another podcast episode. This is why we use these filler words. Also, it's a cultural thing. Back in the 90s, if you grew up in like the clueless era, she was always saying, like, like you know, like the valley girls, and that became the thing. Everybody began talking like that. Don't beat yourself up. This is how so many people have been taught to speak, and if we're taught to speak that way, and we speak differently, uh-oh, now we're going to be judged. We know what filler words are now. We know why we say them, and now I'm going to share with you how we can stop. And again, only if this is a big issue for you. And how do you know if it's a big issue? You have to first notice, become aware. What is the expression? Awareness is the first step towards changing. First become aware. What are my filler words? Am I saying them a lot? That it's a problem, that it's detracting from my message, from my voice, my vocal clarity? Am I losing my audience because I'm umming and ahhing? I'm sowing and liking and you knowing? How do we notice? You can definitely listen to yourself, your recordings, but it's sometimes hard to be objective when we listen to ourselves. So another cool way of noticing what your filler words are is to transcribe your video. If you are not a coach or a podcaster or on social media and you're like, I don't record videos, Emanuela, what you can do is just record yourself for fun. Maybe you have a talk coming up. Record yourself and get the transcriber. I think there's apps that can do that. There's definitely apps that can do that, some AI, and read what you said. And then you'll know what your filler words are. Okay, step one, become aware of what they are. Notice what they are without making a judgment about it, just notice. Step two, let's change our mindset around it. Let's stop seeing pauses as this scary thing. When I say change our mindset around it, I mean change our mindset around pauses. Rather than seeing pauses as, there is a pause in the conversation. I'm up here, people are looking at me and I'm not saying anything. I want you to remember this phrase, write it down, tattoo it to yourself, put it on your mirror, put it in front of you wherever you record. There is power in pauses. There is power in the pause. And why is there power in the pause? I'm not just throwing out an affirmation without any proof to back it up. I will always back up my claims here, my friend. There is power in the pause because pauses create suspense. Pauses actually, there's a filler word for you, can emphasize what you just said or what you're about to say. We call this rhythm or tempo, just like in music. So music, if you listen to classical music especially, you might notice that it builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds. And then sometimes there's a second pause and it starts to decrescendo. It starts to recalde, which means slow down. And then it picks up again. Your voice, the way you speak, it can be like that. It can be up and down and slow and fast. This is going to create more excitement in your speech and in your audience. When people are excited, they lean in. What's she gonna say? If you feel uncomfortable in the pause, remember, there is power in the pause. And when you can embody that pause, you will start to learn that you don't need the filler word anymore, you just need a pause. Okay, and number three, this is the most practical way to start stopping saying your filler words, is to practice. Now, like I said, you can record yourself, but this is a fun little exercise you can do with a friend. Find a friend who loves you, who is willing to set some time aside. Get a little timer. You're going to tell a one-minute story and your friend is going to have the timer. And every time you say a filler word, your friend's going to go, But every time you stop and physically say out loud, pause, you get a point. You could say pause or you could do it by just pausing. I find at first it's easier to say pause because it gives you, again, that extra second to think about. So have a story. There you go. See, I just said so. Have a story. Don't have anything ready. Your friend can say, okay, tell me what you bought at the grocery store today. Or tell me the coolest thing that happened to you last week. They can just give you a topic at random so that you don't have anything pre-planned. Give you a minute or two minutes, however long you want to go. And they can hit record or hit the timer button. And then whenever you say any of your filler words, you can tell them, like, listen for this, this and this. And if you don't have a friend, I'm very sorry. I can be your friend. I am your friend. But I mean, if you don't have anybody around that can do this with you, you can totally do it on your own. You just have to be your own monitor. You can do it in the mirror. Again, you can record yourself. Even just an audio recording. Feel what it feels like to remove those extra words and live in the pause. I'm throwing in something extra here because I realize that a lot of us, myself included, struggle more when we are unscripted with these filler words. For example, when you are in an interview, say, on a podcast or an Instagram Live with a friend or colleague or an interview, an actual interview for a job. Because you don't always know what the questions will be. The best way is to prepare as much as you can. Have some idea going in. If you are going into a job interview, you should at least know what the job is and what you're bringing to the table and what your story is. If you are doing a live or a podcast and somebody's interviewing you about what you do, your business, your message, your story, obviously have those things ready. Have like three to five points of what you want people to take away. Again, we will go into this in another episode, but preparation is key, even if you feel like you aren't prepared. And the more you do it, the easier it's going to get. Be prepared, but also, it's okay if you don't have all the answers. A great line to say is, that's a really good question. Let me think about that for a minute. Or, nobody's ever asked me that. I'm going to have to take a minute and think about it. Doesn't that sound better than, uh, hmm, uh, yeah. So, uh, like, I, uh, went to this thing and, uh, yeah. I graduated from university and, my friend, I was listening to a podcast the other day and the first question, the first question the host asked was, tell us a little bit about yourself. And this is a very typical first question. Tell us about yourself, where you're from, who you are, and what you do. My gosh, this man, very smart man, very, very smart man, had a ton of experience and knew what he was talking about. He could not get through one paragraph of who he was, where he's from, and what he does, what he does, what he does without maybe a hundred ums. I wanted to play like, you know, those, take a drink every time somebody says a certain thing in a movie. I wanted to do that with this man on this podcast. I would have been, I would have been on the floor in the first minute of the show. I don't suggest playing that game, FYI. But, if you can't at least come into an interview knowing who you are, what you do, and where you're from, without stumbling over your ums and ahs, then you need to start practicing that question and you need to get your story down on paper and remember the key points you want to, you want to say. Again, another podcast episode, but what I will say is be prepared. When you go live, be prepared. When you make a video, be prepared. When you go into an interview, be prepared. And then trust yourself. Allow yourself to be comfortable in the pause because the pause is power. What was that? The pause is power. There is power in the pause. I want you to go to bed and have me whispering in your ear hearing that over and over again. How do we get rid of filler words? First, we change our mindset around it. We notice which are, what our filler words are by using the transcriber or listening and then we're going to practice with a friend or on our own. Write those things down. That is your hallmark. Go ahead and identify your filler words. Drop me a line by either leaving a review and let me know what your filler word is. Maybe you had some aha moment. Maybe you didn't even know you had a filler word and now you're going to discover that. I'm so excited for you. Or you can come on over to Instagram and drop me a DM and say, hey, Emanuela, guess what? This is my filler word. And from this day forth, I shall not say it any longer. All right, my friend, that is it for today. I hope this was eye-opening for you. And the big takeaway I want you to have is don't make a big deal about such a small little thing like filler words, okay? Don't make a big deal about such a small little thing like filler words. Have a wonderful rest of your day. God bless. Recording stopped.