guitars and such

The speaker is discussing different types of guitars and their qualities. They mention Ibanez and Yamaha as good options for acoustic guitars, while Fender is suitable for casual playing. They express a strong preference for Ovation and Gretsch guitars, praising their tone and sound. However, they strongly dislike Martin guitars, claiming they are overpriced and don't sound good. Moving on to electric guitars, they recommend Jackson, Schecter, Yamaha, and Ibanez for different styles of playing. They express a strong dislike for Gibson and Fender electric guitars, stating that they prefer guitars that can handle various genres. The speaker concludes by saying that they welcome constructive criticism but suggest that those who hate them should choke themselves. Okay, this is vocal mic check number three, and what I'm doing is learning how to keep the microphone closer to my face, my face hole. The reason I'm doing this is because I need to do it, and I got a challenge from my old lady, and I was like, hey, what do I rant about? I have a bunch of things to rant about, but she said, why don't you rant about guitars? Because evidently, I'm an asshole when I talk about guitars, and I guess I'm kind of a gear snob, and she delights in reminding me of that. So let's talk about guitars. I'm going to apologize preemptively for my use of um and er. Fucking deal with it. Suck a dick up until you hiccup. I love you all, but it's going to take a long time. It's just what we do. So let's start. I love acoustic guitars. I love electric guitars. I love all kinds of guitars. The first on my list for acoustic guitars is going to be Ibanez. You can get a decent quality Ibanez for about 300 bucks, like some cheap ass piece of shit off the wall from Guitar Center, and granted, you're going to have to play 50 of them until you find the one that works for you, but they're good guitars. I have one that's got a broken neck that I had to slap a bolt through. I thought it was my guitar player that broke it, but evidently, it was my drummer that broke it. Fucking dick. You know, now I don't feel bad for breaking your drumsticks. You stole my cymbals. Fucking jerk. I love you, but so Ibanez, number one. Number two is going to be Yamaha. Anything that Yamaha makes is going to be awesome. It's just going to be rad. It's going to have a very warm sound. It's not really crisp like, say, a Takamine. Takamines to me are too crisp, they're too sharp, they're too bright, and a Yamaha, like a bass model Yamaha, again, under $300, is going to sound decent. By the way, I hate Takamine. I know they sound good for the people that like to play them, but I just personally don't care for them. Then let's go on to the big boys, and I say big boys as far as the money you're going to spend. You can still get a sub $300 Fender, and you know, it's a great campground guitar. It's super fine for hanging around the campsite. You're drunk as fuck with your homies. You're just playing something around the campfire. You're not really worried about anything. You're not trying to be Dave Matthews-man at that point. You're just trying to get drunk as fuck and have a good time. So, you know, Fender, good option. But here's where we get into the good shit. The good shit. Ovation. Ovation is the fucking shit. If you don't like ovation, you suck beer for dick money. Like straight up. I get that the body's weird. I understand that. It's fine. The body's a little off. But the tone that comes out of them, and you're talking about guys that designed Ovation. They designed Jets. I don't know about you, I can barely put one foot in front of the other wearing flip flops and these guys are out there designing Jets. Then they designed Sobs, I guess. I don't know. I don't know if that's true, but the rumor is that they were part of a design team for Sobs. So they create this guitar that's just amazing sounding. Now, let's get into the top dog of the top dog, and I don't give two shits at what anybody says. Let's talk about Gretsch. My old lady hooked me up and bought me a Gretsch Resonator. And if you want to talk about a guitar that you want to fuck and fight at the same damn time, that's the guitar for you. That's the one. It just smokes. It's screaming. And I know some of you all that are listening to me are going to say, oh, you're just on the Gretsch train because of Oliver Anthony. No. Oliver Anthony is great. I fucking love that cat. But when my old lady bought me a Gretsch as a present, Oliver Anthony wasn't even a blip on the fucking radar. It was just like, I want a Resonator, and I've always wanted a Resonator. Why you ask? Okay, because this dude named Bo from Graveyard Train, which is an Australian horror country band, and they were amazing. And this dude named Bo, he passed away, this dude named Bo played a Resonator. And I'm like, man, I love that sound. And they have this other dude that's the Discount Sean Bean. I call him that out of love, because it's like you watch a new Sean Bean movie and then watch Graveyard Train, you're like, oh, yeah, that's Discount Sean Bean. So I've always loved that sound. So I got gifted one of these guitars, and it's a Gretsch. It's phenomenal. I love that guitar. Does it hurt my fingers? Yeah, it beats me up. It does. It absolutely beats me up. But I love the sound. Now let's get into high-end, high-end guitars that I think suck. And I'm probably only going to do one, because I've probably already pissed off enough people. But fuck Martin. I don't give two shits that you dropped $3,500 on a Martin that's not going to sound good for the next 30 years. And that's the truth. There's a dude here in Jamaica, California, that had a Martin, it was a 2022 Martin, he had it for sale for $3,500. And I'm like, when's it going to sound good? Like, fuck you. You're a retard for buying that. Like, go buy something else. Go buy a Seagull. Hell, even go buy a Takamine. Buy something that's going to sound good now. Because as the great, the great David Lee Roth said, you can do it with a borrowed guitar, a light bulb taped onto an extension cord, or you can't do it at all. So you know, next time, actually, no, fuck it. Let's keep going. Let's go to electric guitars. Let's go to electric guitars. Jackson is the shit. If you get a Japanese Jackson, that's amazing. Schecter, Schecter, if you want to play metal, if you want to do the Dugga Duggas, that's what we call it. It's the Dugga Duggas. It's like, oh, I'm doing this in E minor flat to A minor. Now shut the fuck up. How many Dugga Duggas? Schecter is a great underrated metal guitar. Yamaha, again, Ibanez, again, great guitars. You know, just handle it. But you know what? And here's where I'm really going to piss people off is fuck Gibson. Like Gibson is trash. I don't care what you say. It sounds like shit. Fender is fucking trash for electric guitars. I don't care what you say. I want a guitar that is going to be able to play metal and country and ska and all these different things. And that's the guitar for me. Yes, I do care about body style because I'm, you know, kind of a prima donna like that. Like I love my V bodies. I love my SG style bodies. I realize the, uh, the, uh, yeah, I know they're made by Gibson. That's all I'm going to say. But like trip out on some shit. You know, I, I'm personally not a fan of jazz bodies. They're too fat. If I want something that fat, I'm going to play acoustic and you know what, honestly, I'm going to play acoustic anyway. So there it is. Little mic check. Number three, um, as John Wayne famously once said, there's a lot of pretenders to the crown. We can't stop them from coming in, but we can arrange for them to limp home. So if you don't like me, you don't like what I say. Totally cool. If you have constructive criticism, I would greatly appreciate it. But if you hate me, fucking choke yourself.