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In this podcast episode, Sarah and Dakota discuss body image issues, eating disorders, and abuse. Sarah shares her personal story of struggling with her weight and body image since puberty. She talks about the negative messages she received from her mother and her grandmother, as well as the impact of the divorce and the sexual abuse she experienced. Sarah also mentions the influence of diet culture and her ADHD diagnosis. She explains how she tried extreme diets and the negative effects they had on her health. Overall, Sarah emphasizes the importance of reclaiming the word "fat" and accepting oneself regardless of societal standards. Welcome to the Back, to the Back, to the Back, to the Back Podcast. I'm Sarah. I'm Dakota. And welcome to episode five. Yeah. This is gonna be a doozy of an episode. We should give a trigger warning. Yes. We're going to be dealing with body image issues, eating disorders, and abuse. This is a two-part episode, or a two-part. Yeah, it'll be. Multiple parts, but this is gonna be the first part of a two-part topic. It'll be, this week will be me. It'll be focusing on me and my, all of those issues. And then next part will be my journey and body images and et cetera, et cetera. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry, we're both really nervous. I'm not, oh, I'm really anxious. I'm not really as anxious as she is because it's not my turn yet, but I mean, I think this is a very sensitive topic for anyone. I found myself, as I was getting ready, the closer it got to knowing we were going to have to record today, it was- It's like anti-Christmas. I'm really trying not to cry already. It's already that- No, I'm trying not to cry. I'm trying to think where to start. It's your story. I'm not going to- I know. It's, obviously I am fat. And I say that like, I saw the face you just made. It's just, I don't, you know. We need to, I need to reclaim that word. It's like women with the word bitch, right? Like you, as a man, don't call a woman that, but other women will use that word. And there's other analogies you can make for that. I'm fat. That's just an is. When I say that, that doesn't mean that I'm ugly, or that I think that I'm ugly, or that I think that I'm anything other than the fact that there is more fat on my body. Which you are ugly. You are beautiful. I never, no one ever said that my face clarified. I mean, I literally, I saw like a viral TikTok where it was like, it was a comedian and she was like, she said like she was fat or whatever. And she was like, I didn't say I was ugly. Exactly. And I've said that for a long, like, don't get it twisted. Not that I think I'm like the most attractive person in the world, but like- Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. It is ridiculous to think otherwise. If you saw the first video, I had no makeup on. Today I have mascara on just because I know it's like for, well, A, I was like, man, it didn't pick up hardly any of my features and my eyes are one of my best features. B, I know it's a part of, I almost did do a full face of makeup. And I know that was like armor in a sense, because I knew what we were going to be talking about today. But then I was just like, I'll just put on mascara because let's be real. I don't wear makeup day to day. It's only on special occasions. And I'm blessed that I have really good skin that I can get away with that. Anyhow, all of that to say, let's see. Yes, I'm fat. I have been fat since puberty, really, honestly. I mean, I look back now, back when I was in middle school, before high school, and I thought I was so huge and I was like a size three, which is, I know women's sizing is different than men, but I was maybe like 120 pounds. No, I was like five foot. Or I might have already been five three, because I am short. I think I might have already reached my full height by that. Five three and a half. I don't want to forget that half. Yeah, don't forget that. But what is it? I wasn't, I had baby fat on me. So what happened is before puberty, I was very, very thin. But I always had like booty. And then puberty hit and I developed very quickly. And it also coincided with my parents separating. And I stopped cheerleading. Which I mean, I can't fully speak on it, but isn't there a lot of things like, as any sport, cheerleading and body image issues? Well, it wasn't. I mean, that wasn't so much for me when I was that age. I stopped young enough that that wasn't going to be an issue. It didn't affect you like that? But I will say, and this again, we're going to talk about the abuse. Growing up, my mother was very abusive towards me. And before I put the weight on, her common thing was calling me a stupid, lazy bitch, which I really did generally think I was stupid for a really long time. And then when, like I said, at 12 years old, as when puberty like kind of like I literally had no went from wearing no bra to definitely needing one, what seemed like overnight. And then like hips came along and everything else. And I just wasn't used to having like, again, I wasn't really fat, but I grew up in the 90s at the peak of heroin. She like Kate Moss was the epitome. I remember them acting like it was a big deal that Tyra Banks was on the cover of Sports Illustrated for the Swimsuit Edition because she was so curvy. Like she had boobs and a booty and hips. Maybe, but I'm just saying like, yeah, in general, it's ridiculous. If you were not wasting, if you weren't Claire Danes in my so-called life, you weren't Kate Moss, you weren't, if you didn't, I mean, the whole thing was that designers wanted you to look like a hanger for models because the clothes were better on there, right? So that plus coupled with what I was going through at home and like it, like I said, whenever puberty hit and my parents split, I started putting on some weight, but it wasn't, if it had, if I'd have had a different home environment, maybe the body image issues wouldn't have been so severe. But the moment I started putting weight on my, it went from being just a stupid, lazy bitch to a fat, stupid, lazy bitch. And which the irony was my mom was heavy most of my life as a kid, right? Like where do you have the audacity to be making fun of someone's weight? Like, but she did and it got stuck in my head. And then like that year, like the year between 12, almost two years and 14, I don't remember a lot of that. And I have a very good long-term memory. My short-term memories suck, but I think I blocked a lot of that trauma out. I didn't handle the divorce very well because I wasn't with my dad. And so any semblance of protection for my mom was taken away. That was also the year that the sexual abuse that was happening from a family member came out as well. And you know, that plays a part in the body image too, when you're being touched by someone that you shouldn't be being touched by and they're commenting on your body. And so when I did eventually go to live with my dad and my stepmom, I just think I remember things like there was an instance when I was sitting in the living room and my dad's mother was over and plain as day, she's like, she's going to be fat just like her mother. So these messages were given to me very, very early on. If I wouldn't have, every, almost every woman my age struggles with them because we grew up in diet culture, very, very heavy, hardcore, Weight Watchers, Slim Fast, Atkins, Ephedrine, the diet pill, you know, like it was just shoved in our faces. Jenny Craig, I mean, it goes on and on and on. So I didn't stand a chance even outside of my house, but then you add what was going on in the house and the messages that I was receiving. It just made it, I really, really thought I was this huge house when at the time I wasn't. I was like, it was baby fat. Women have that until, basically until they give birth or until they reach a certain age. Women are naturally just have more body fat percentage. Well, yeah, it's because we're procreation. I mean, there are some women that are naturally really thin. I'm just not built that way. Even at my thinnest, I'm still what you consider, I'm curvy, you know, and I have more of like an athletic build. I can put on muscle pretty well. I know you can't tell it here, but. If you want, I could pop photos. If you can figure that out, yeah, sure. From like when Andy and I got married. If it's not here, then I can't tell it. If it's not here, then I couldn't figure it out. It's, remember, we're still learning. This is new. So, you know, I went through and then as I like went through high school, I got heavier because I bought into that, that thinking, you know, that I was already fat or whatever. And then also we need to talk about the fact that I have ADHD and I wasn't on medication. Like they had me on medication. I was diagnosed when I was 12. I think I was on it for like a year and they took me off of it. It wasn't a priority for them. And what I now know, thank you, TikTok. I've learned more about my neurodivergency from TikTok than I ever learned from any doctor that I have seen. That's kind of like the general consensus. TikTok, YouTube, just internet in general. So many people just learn more from there than like school or like these places where you're supposed to learn it. Yeah. Also just want to, if I look like I'm in pain right now through this video, it is because I kind of am. My natural state for 40 plus years is to disassociate from my pain. And so like, I know like when I say I'm in pain, it's just, I'm reliving, you know, I live it every day anyway. Like that's something we don't, I did not realize again until therapy, until TikTok, until that information was out there, how trauma works and how it stores in your body and you live it every day subconsciously. Right. But yeah, like when high school hit, I wasn't on medication. I did poorly, not because again, I thought I was dumb, but it wasn't because I was dumb. I just wasn't doing the work because I wasn't on medication. And my ADHD was like, there's no reward for this to do this homework, to pay attention in class. Like schools aren't set up very well for neurodivergent people. I mean, in my opinion. And I was putting on weight and I was probably a little over 200 pounds by then. And then I remember going into my junior year, I did this diet and I like, where I only had 18 grams of fat a day. And I just, if you know anything about nutrition, that's not a lot, grams of fat for the entire day, nine calories in grams of fat, which is quick math. What that's 172 calories. I don't know. I did a lot of fat free shit, which isn't really, it wasn't really good for you. There was no real nutritional value in there, but like I lost about, I don't know, 40 pounds over the course of a summer, which is actually a lot. That's really quick. I was walking like all the day. I actually have scars on the back of one of my legs from where the street I was walking on didn't have like a sidewalk. He knows the street. He doesn't know. They know it's a belt line over by where we used to live, but closer to Westchester area. That used to be like almost a dirt road. And so I walk over there and a car almost ran me over and I had to jump into the bushes and it was like thorny and scratched me up really bad. But you know, so that was like my first foray into dieting. And you know, I saw improved. I was noticed by guys. I think I was noticed by guys before then, but it wasn't there. I have a really bad habit of people flirting with me and I'm not realizing that's what they're doing. So I'm only looking at faces. I'm not going to touch too much into it because I'll do that on my part too. But that's something I noticed too. But I'm the opposite end of the spectrum. You become invisible when you're heavier. And very visible when you lose weight. Especially if you were heavier in the past, you know? Yeah. Like, oh, you look like you lost weight. So you know, I did. I was noticed. I ended up, not that that matters, but like I had a boyfriend. We ended up getting engaged. What? Yeah. How do I, how am I, how am I 20, 21? I just now hear about this. There's a lot about my life that you don't know anything about. Okay, Batman. It's not that, it's just, I don't know, like, that's a whole lifetime ago, you know? I think I just kind of went out of my house, honestly. Engaged at 17? Yeah. I mean, it lasted for like a year. And then that didn't work. What was his name? I'm not going to say that. I'm just kidding. But I mean, I ended up putting the weight back on because I lost it in a really unhelpful way. And then also because, and when I say, why would it matter if I was on my medication for ADHD? Well, because again, a thing that I've learned in the past two years is that I, I mean, when I say learned, I mean, like once I heard the term, I'm like, oh yeah, that's, I get it. It's definitely something that I do. I struggle with regulating my emotions. And I use food as a source of dopamine. Yeah, I figured you didn't get into that. Yeah, I need to like backtrack. Drug, and so like, I didn't mention your... Yeah, food was my, yes, I am in recovery. Food was my first addiction. It was, it'll always be my strongest because you have to eat to live. But let me backtrack. Aside from the body thing that I was on. Me wine. Aside from the body thing that I dealt with, right? This is where the abuse part comes in. So food was used as a form of abuse from, for me, for my mother. Whether it was keeping food from me or using food to punish me. So, one, like one of the things, I cannot stand the smell of jalapenos. Like, it will make me feel like I need to vomit because it was one of the things that I was forced to eat as a punishment. And I wouldn't be allowed to have any water for hours afterwards. And I'd end up eventually throwing it up. Yeah, I didn't even like, just because I haven't done that for long. I never really even tried jalapenos until later in life. Yeah. I was like, if you have no water with jalapenos, that's insane. Like, there's no part of me that can ever think that that's going to be something that tastes good. Like, it just... Well, I mean, and this is only like, this is so minor compared to yours, but just like, to even prove that point even more. I mean, what is it? Remember when we like, when we were moving to Wisconsin, and I was young and I had beef jerky on like the road trip, because that's a road trip snack you do. You have beef jerky. It's normal. I pulled my tooth out. And I couldn't like eat or drink anything for days. And now I can't stand the smell, taste or anything of beef jerky. Like, it's literally no like, I don't know what the science is behind that, but it ruined beef jerky. I don't think beef jerky is that good to begin with. But like, anything that tastes remotely close to it or has that texture, I can't stand anymore. So I can only imagine it actually being used as a punishment on a daily basis in more severe ways. Yeah. Wouldn't make that sensation even worse. And then like, there was one time, okay, so the other on the other end of the... Also, she did this with hominy and black eyed peas. Like, she forced me to eat them. Which sucks. Black eyed peas is such an underrated... Beans are good. I can't, I can't stand them. Black eyed peas and beans? Well, it's a man. Yeah, yeah. Right? It's a lentil, I think. Lentils? Yeah. Old people food? Yeah. Goated. Goated. Try lentils again. Try lentils. Shout out Natasha, my best friend. Loves herself some lentils. Lentils? Let me tell you, lentils and rice with chicken? I love rice. Sorry. I love grains. I mean, as you'll find out, I love food. I love bread. Bread makes you fat. Bread makes you fat? If you know, you know. Right? Yeah. Back to trauma. Yeah, back to trauma. So, aside from those... And anybody... Shout out to people that know what Mommy Dearest is. It's a movie. Actually, I mentioned that earlier. It was one of my favorite movies as a kid. If you want, again, kind of an introspective on what your life would have been like. Yeah, watch that movie. Except for, we were middle class. We weren't rich. And also, my abuse was simply worse. But what is it? My mom would do anything. If I didn't eat it, she'd make me eventually eat it. So, just sit there and get cold until whatever. Again, very neurodivergent. So, my stubbornness comes a lot from if I don't have... If I'm not getting dopamine, I'm not getting serotonin from it, my brain says, why would I do this? Right? And you think a reasonable person would be like, you're going to get beat if you don't do this. So, just eat it. I don't... My brain isn't wired that way. And so, one of the other ways that she punished me was taking food away from me for days, like locking me in a room or a closet and not allowing me to eat. And I mean, there was one time my sister snuck food to me and the consequences that I had from that is something I won't say on here. It is too triggering. But let's just say I was sexually assaulted and shamed with food by her for daring to eat something that was given to me when I was starving. So, all of that sets me up to... Between the neurodivergency and the trauma and what society says about women and how they should look and behave, I just wasn't set up for success where food is concerned. And I... And also, I love food. Like, it's always bothered me that if I were thinner and I was on a date or something, or I was just out in public and we're eating and I, like, was dared to enjoy my food, right? Everybody would be like, oh, my God, look at her. She has such a healthy appetite. And it would be praised. But my... Let me be... Look, the way I look right now and enjoy my food, food that another, a thinner person would be eating, and I'd be looked at with disgust. And they'd be like, well, that's why she's fat. When, like, I mean, fair. Food is what? Like, genetics, whatever, right? But, like, everything's not so black and white. Like, you know what I mean? No, I do know what you mean. Yeah, I'm just saying, like, yeah, it's fair to say that, yeah, genetics and, unfortunately, people with a slower metabolism are not as quick of a metabolism. They have to eat less or whatever. Or, you know what I mean? But, like, there's more factors that play into body weight and what health is and what healthy is than what you eat or what you see someone eat. Right. Like, when Andy and I got married, I was at my healthiest weight I'd ever been at. I had lost 140 pounds. And it took me, like, two years to do so in a very healthy way. Doing, like, half marathons, 5Ks. Yeah, I was very active. And I still thought I was so huge. And I think part of that is because I just barely made it on the healthy scale for BMI. And I just want to throw out that most athletes are considered fat or overweight, according to BMI. BMI is racist. It is, actually. If you look at the guy who did it, it's a eugenic dude. Eugenics is based in racism. It's racist. So, and it's just not very factual. Underneath all this fat, I have a lot of muscle. Like, that's the thing. If you looked at Dakota and a different outsider looked at us, they're going to assume he's healthier. And he's not. Those, like, not at this moment. You're just not. Those are the facts, right? I'd like to get into that in just a second. No, I'm just saying. I just don't want to touch on it. Yeah, I know. I'm just saying, though, that is something you would agree with. I walk every day, at least about a mile and a half every day, sometimes more. And then I go to the gym three times a week, and I lift heavy weights, you know? And I don't mean, like, you think, oh, I'm a girl. So, it's like, no, I lift heavy. Like, I'm almost up to, like, 130 bench pressing, you know? Which is, I mean, granted, most people can't bench press a lot more than me. But I'm going to say I'm not lifting anything below 30 pounds, and those are my free weights. Like, I'm pretty active. I always tell people, like, I'm a fit fat. But most people, when they look at me, they don't realize that. I mean, I'm not out running marathons right now, because I can't. I don't have that capability, right? Like, at this moment. I do miss running. I don't know if I'd want to marathon anymore, but I, like, miss 5Ks and stuff like that. Oh, yeah. I like running sometimes. In and out, you know? So, like, we'll go back to how I put the weight back on after I lost it, you know? Yeah, when Andy and I got married, my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 esophageal cancer, and I did okay through, like, I think I may have put on, like, 10 or 15 pounds through that process, like, kind of eating my feelings, right? But I was still, like, I was active and everything, but while training for my second half marathon, I developed PF in my right foot and a bone spur, and I know that sounds like nothing, but it's so painful. It is so painful. It hurts all the time. And the only, like, yeah, I did, like, steroid shots. I did treatment. Nothing seemed to help. Really, honestly, the thing that healed it was time, but unfortunately, I didn't get that diagnosis until, like, a month or two after my dad died, and then I was taken off of all activity. Couldn't even walk, like, was not allowed to do anything. In retrospect, I should have not listened, and I should have done weights still. Yeah. Like, I could have worked around. I could have done leg things that didn't require me standing on that, you know. Applying pressure to that. Right. But I was so deep in grief and in so much pain that I just didn't, I just listened to the doctor, and I don't feel like I should have totally listened to them, and so in the span of four years, I put on, like, 230 pounds. Also, I was on medication. I was back on my ADHD medication when Andy and I got married. About a year after dad died, I stopped taking it because Andy said we could not afford it anymore. I didn't know that. Yeah, I know. It wasn't a priority to him, and it was expensive. I had to go see a psychiatrist every month, you know, because it's a controlled substance. I still think that's fucking ridiculous, and it was, I don't know, like, a hundred and something dollars each time just for the psychiatrist, so that's not counting. That's with insurance, too, by the way, and then that's not counting, you know, the price for the prescription, so, yeah, he's like, we can't afford this anymore, and I realized lately that probably aided in me putting the weight on more because it was even harder for me to regulate my emotions, and again, I turned to food for comfort, for dopamine, so, and then you combine that with not being active. It's just a setup for disaster, and then it, what, took five years after dad died for me to start getting active again? I think it was, like, 2017, and my dad died in the end of 2012, so, yeah, five years, and then it was a very slow process. You were old enough then, you could start seeing, like, how it was for me to get back into the gym, and then, like, the gym's never actually really been a problem for me. Being active is the problem. The problem is the food. Yeah, I mean, most anybody who has gone through some kind of weight loss or anything will say the hardest part is the diet, not the actual activity. Well, yeah, weight loss is 80 percent diet, 20 percent exercise. I, it's true. Yeah. I hate that. I wish I could outwork a bad diet, because I would. I have the capability, but I just can't, and so, in that time, so, from, like, 2017 to 2019, I lost 125 pounds, so I've lost half, almost, like, basically half of what I put on after my dad died, and then Andy got sick, and COVID hit, and I maintained that weight loss until he died, and then, now, in the. From the same cancer. Yeah, from the same cancer that my dad died from, that's what my husband passed from. In that time period since, I've put 50 pounds back on, and I mean, definitely better than when my dad passed. That's because I've been able to maintain being active, but, you know, I was grieving, and then I moved so that my stepmom could have, live with me, because she needed care, and then I was being a caretaker again for someone who was abusive to me, and used me, basically, for money, and then ended up leaving and dying with no closure, so it's been. And then, like, not even mention you just, in general, being a mother, raising me. Yeah. Through high school, and then. You going off to college. You going off to college. That was, him going off to college was really hard for me emotionally, like, especially that being, like, right after Andy died, you know, within that year. It's a lot, like, I've really struggled with that, and, I mean, both my best friend and my sister have tried to remind me that it's a lot. It's a lot in the last four years. So, like, you know, you've heard me say in the past, like, few months, like, I cannot control my eating, and it's not even, like, when I say that, I'm not eating like an abnormal person, okay? I'm just not eating very healthy food, and I also have, like, a really bad habit, and you know it from all the time you grew up, where I would go hours without eating, because, like, I'm hyper-focused on trying to get something done, again, because of the ADHD, and then, by then, my sugar has dropped, and I'm irritable, and I'm tired, and then when I eat, I overeat, because my body's trying to overcompensate for the nutrition it didn't get earlier. So, it's just, like, a really, really bad cycle, and... Another factor, too, is, like, eating healthy is expensive. Yeah, eating healthy is expensive, and you can say that it isn't, but it is. Especially when, like, because you have to factor in convenience, and, like, most unhealthy foods are convenient, and more, and cheaper. Yeah, and then it's also, again, back to the neurodivergency, it's difficult. All of my energy, when I tell someone, if they ask me how I'm doing, I say I'm tired. I don't ever, or not ever, but rarely do I mean I am physically tired. Yeah. I am mentally tired, because when you are not medicated with ADHD, you, all of your energy is mental energy used to do tasks. So, these things, like showering, and brushing your teeth, and doing the dishes, that neurotypical people think, that's easy. It's not easy. Making food for myself is not easy, because it requires so much mental energy, and it's because I can't just, like, oh, go make that. I have to think about, like, all of the steps it requires to do that. Yeah, I mean, also, like, more of what, like, when you see these, like, actors and actresses do these crazy, like, weight transformations for, like, superhero roles, or anything like that, I mean, it's, the reason they can accomplish this is because, A, they're being paid for it, so the incentive is already there. Yeah. B, they have the finances, and the resources given to them already, or through the studios, to not have to worry about getting a trainer, or getting meals prepared for you, you know what I mean? Yeah. Like, they can focus on other areas of their life with the food and exercise part being taken care of. Well, yeah, and it's the same thing of, like, I know for me, as a woman watching celebrity women have children, and then seem to, like, amazingly bounce back, but you have resources that regular people don't have, and also, I don't think most people look like me, but they look closer to, like, me than they would say, name somebody famous, a famous woman. I don't want to bash anybody. No, that's not a bash, I'm saying they are the exception, they're not the rule. Like, the average woman is a size 16, which means she's about probably, well, it depends on how tall she is, but she's going to be around closer to, like, 200 pounds than not, but the way that Hollywood and media makes you think is that that's not normal, and being a size, like, zero to three is, and that's just not the case, and then there's also that as a woman, I think especially now it's gotten this place, everybody runs on the currency of looks, but it is especially so for women, the better looking you are, the more valuable you are in society, and right now I'm, like, dealing with not just being overweight, but that I'm 45, and there's noticeable signs of aging. Like, I'm aging better than a lot of people I know my age, but still, I see it. I know it. I'm not immune from vanity. So, it's just, it's just a lot, and I don't know, I guess part of the reason I talk about this is because I think a lot of people struggle with body image issues and eating disorders, and I'll say my main eating disorder has been binge eating over my life, but I've also struggled with anorexia. Like, again, the summer before my junior year, I was anorexic. I didn't look it, but I wasn't eating probably a thousand calories a day, and that's just not enough, and when I, the time that I lost weight, you know, in my early 30s, originally, I said I did it the healthy way, but before that, I had, before that time, I had lost, like, about 40 pounds, and I did it with only eating 1,200 calories a day. So, I just have a very complicated relationship with food. I wish that I could just look at food as fuel, and then also, we don't really talk about the fact of, like, my sensory issues where food is concerned. Like, I can't eat certain foods, and I'll eat a food until I can, until I can no longer eat anymore, and then I never want to eat that again. Like, so, it's just a bunch of things that feels or our society wants you to believe. It's just you, but I feel like there's just so many more people that struggle with a lot of these things. Yeah. I don't know. What was it like for you watching me over the years struggle with my body? It hurt. It hurted. It's not a word. It hurted. That shit hurted. I mean, I don't know. I can get into it more, especially on my part, but it made me cry, like, inside and out. Like, I hate seeing you struggle. I hate seeing you sad. I hate seeing you be down on yourself. I always felt you were ashamed of me when you were younger. I hated that. I was never ashamed of you, but I know that's what it looked like. I know that's how it made you feel. It was only when you were in middle school, honestly. Yeah. And I think the biggest reason why I presented that way is because that's when I was most ashamed of myself, especially, I mean, just in general, but especially when it came to looks and body image issues. Makes me sad. Yeah. We'll talk more about that. Yeah. I mean, like I said before, it's going to be a two-part thing. If, like, if per chance, per chance per se, if any of you have watched, like, yeah, Rhett and Link from GMM, they've done a lot of stuff on their channel. They've done a lot of stuff on their channel. They've done a lot of stuff on their channel. If any of you have watched, like, yeah, Rhett and Link from GMM, their spiritual deconstruction is going to kind of be, like, there's where they each took time to let the other people talk about their own perspective. I mean, even now, like, I just think I'm still like, I'm here for you. No, I know. I mean, I will say, I actually think the recording of this video, like, you know, the meltdown I had last week. Like, obviously, I knew I gained weight. I just didn't realize it had been that, it didn't look like that much. And I will say, in fairness, I do know the camera. I don't, I mean, I've had, I remember when I was dating, right, when I'd lost 140 pounds, when I was dating before Annie and I met up. I would have, when I went on dates and, like, you know, I'd meet from online, they'd be like, oh, you look so much better in person. Like, yeah, I don't think the camera does. I'm just not very photogenic. Like, I don't know why I'm just not, which I mean, honestly, if I'm going to have one or the other, I'd rather look better in person. Yeah. So I'll take it. You'd be the reverse catfish. Yeah, I am. Yeah. I mean, I think part of it is also personality. Like, yeah, no, yeah, exactly. I think when, like, that's also part of online dating. Yeah. And, you know, Andy, why haven't I known him? I've known him, I knew, I met him when I was 13. We said, because we went to church together and school together. He was two years older than me, and we're not quite two years older. But what is it? When we got together, I was at my hottest, like, I could go back to 32. I would love it. God, I really did think I was still fat then. And I look back at pictures now, I'm like, what the fuck were you thinking? You were so, you were peak hot. It was great. And think about how active, like, when we were in Wisconsin, we would ride bikes everywhere. And I had so much fun at that time. And honestly, it's because I was single. I don't know, we'll go back a whole other time. We would ride bikes everywhere. Like, it was, it was just, it could also that the where we lived was set up for that. Like, yeah, there's a lot I don't like about the Midwest. But I will say, man, their parks and their bike lanes. They've got that shit on point. Riding bikes is so underrated when you can. Nice autumn weather, right? And I wasn't, I was 30. Like, you're straight up. Yeah, like, in my 30s. I loved it. It was awesome. I would love to get back to that. Rest in peace. But what is it? So when Andy and I got together, I was, I looked really good, like, and so when his parents met me, they met me, you know, as a thin version of Sarah, or a thinner version of Sarah. And even then, even though outwardly they were nice, it felt off. I knew they didn't really like me. And that will go into how neurotypical people can tell when someone is neurodivergent, even when they don't know that's what it is, but they just feel something off. That's what it was giving. But I think they accepted me because, oh, look at this active wife that he's taken. And I know that his, Andy's dad struggled when Andy was fat. That's the other thing. My husband was extremely, like, he was fat in high school, too. Like, he, when we relinked, it was after him having weight loss surgery. So I lost weight through diet and exercise. He lost it through, most of it through weight loss surgery. I mean, obviously, after that, he would have to continue. Yeah, you were in races. Yeah. We were doing races, and we were just being really active. So I think they tolerated me because, like, oh, well, this is good for him. But then after I started putting weight on, their shift in attitude towards me was very noticeable to the point that after they would come down for spring break and visit, it was, when I was at my heaviest, after that visit, they, a week or two later, I got a letter from his Andy's stepmom. That's crazy. What kind of letter? Like, it was some kind of formal, like? Well, and it starts off like all these nice things, and then it ends with, I just wanted to let you know there's an Overeaters Anonymous near you. First off, bitch, I'm sober. How do you think I got sober? I worked a 12-step program. What do you think Overeaters Anonymous is based on? Like, if the steps could help me lose weight, don't you think I would have done that already? Second, how fucking dare you guise it as concern? What it is is you're disgusted by me. I'm no longer even close to being good enough for your son at this point. That's what that message said, and Andy barely reproached them for it. He did not understand how that was so hurtful, and like, I put it this way. Are you saying stuff to Andy's brother that you're, because it was in the guise of we're concerned for your health. Are you saying that to his brother because his brother eats way more food than I do? Well, no. You know why you're not saying it to him? Because he's thin. That's why. So then your concern isn't about my health, it's that you don't like that I'm fat. And then that's what I've dealt with most of the time, being fat. Like I said, you are not accepted. You're, when I was at my heaviest, I didn't realize you could be that fat and be invisible. I mean, I don't really like to be perceived at this point in my life, so I kind of like that right now. Don't look at me. But it's just, it's just a lot. But I am, like I said, I'm at a place now, thanks to the therapy that I did when I could afford it, um, that I know my worth is not made up in my weight. And also I'm at a place where I don't require a partner to make up my worth. Like it's not, you know, my younger years, a lot of it, earmuffs, was spent sleeping with guys for validation. Sorry. It just was, and I'm not, it's not something I'm proud of, but I do also know that that comes from a wound from childhood. And, um, and that's just not something that I have to do anymore today, or that I do. Like, it's not necessary. Um, now it's just like, I'm so active. I just want my body to reflect that, you know? And I miss cute clothes. There's definitely cuter clothes when you're smaller. You can, you know that. Um, I miss just like, again, having, I don't, I know I would have more energy if there was less weight on me. Like, probably not a lot more. Like I said, I'm pretty active, but I don't know. It just, it'd be nice to get back there. I mean, the goal now is, is to be strong. I like being strong. Like, what is it? I don't want to be strong like men. I want to be strong like bear. Like that, I want. Like, I'm not saying I want to be like, looking like Arnold Schwarzenegger or anything, but I just want to be strong and mobile because at my age, I have to think about that stuff. Building muscle helps protect my bones. It will help me with balance. It will help me with, you know, not hurting myself as I get older. And so that's just the goal. So that's where it's come from. But it doesn't mean I just still don't struggle. Like I said, when I saw the video originally last week, I, it was like two days for me to recover from that, right? I feel really bad because I've like talked this whole time. Well, that's where you're at. And then the vice versa will be next episode. I won't feel bad next week because it'll be you talking the whole time. I don't know if that made any sense or it was a coherent thought. It made dollars. It made dollars. I guess we can wrap it up there and, and. The next part, I don't know if it'll be the next episode or is it going to be just. It's going to be the next episode. Yeah. Yeah. I wish there was like a break in between or not. I don't know. Like episode. I don't know. I guess that's up to you. Yeah. I mean, I'm the next, the next subject will be my journey. Yeah. And that's again, why I was a, I was sound because I'm saving from my, uh, when I talk about my perspective, but also to listen, you know? Yeah. It's like, you know, it's hard for me. Yeah. No, like it's difficult for me, even though like I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I I'm already I'm already struggling with these emotions. I'm making it. Well, you know, not that like don't quit reminding me that I'm being heard. I hear you. I'm always listening. Can you hear me now? He's from Johnny Daycare. Can you hear me now? I mean, technically, it's actually I think Verizon Wireless. Yeah, Sprint, like, but that's what you basically know it from. But anyhow, I hope that if you are struggling with an eating disorder with body image issues, anything related to that, yeah, a little bit, you're not alone. And especially if you're neurodivergent, please understand that a lot of that is your brain. And know that we love you. Yes. Like, and also please love yourself. Yeah. Try to try to like yourself. Try to love yourself. Liking is so much harder. It's still that one. struggle for me. Yeah, I love you. I love you. To the back to the back to the back to the back podcast.