2020-11-23 Engage Students - Hannah's Testimony Part 2

Hannah shares her personal life story, focusing on her struggles with perfectionism, fear, and loneliness during her childhood in Singapore and Canada. She emphasizes the importance of understanding God's love and grace, and the need for community and personal relationships with Jesus. She also mentions her experience with bullying and thoughts of suicide, and the importance of taking such issues seriously and providing support. Hannah ends with a summary of key points, including the need for a personal relationship with Jesus, overcoming fear, the importance of community, and the message of grace. Hi guys, this is Hannah here. I hope everyone is keeping safe right now with the new restrictions in BC. I hope everyone kind of follows these guidelines so that we can get back to meeting in person again. I hope everyone keeps safe and healthy and me and Chris are praying for you always. So today I'm basically going to be going into part 2 of my personal life story according to our series. I don't know if you guys remember it but it's called Testify where we get some guest speakers from in the church or in the community to kind of share their life experiences and their experience with Jesus. So for those of you guys who didn't come last week, that's okay because I'm actually going to give a little recap before I jump into part 2. So basically I started my story last week talking about how I was born in Singapore. And for you guys who don't know where that is, it's below China, above Australia and it's a little island. You can barely see it on the map but I did show you guys last week exactly where it was. So I grew up into a Christian family. I never doubted the Bible. I never doubted that Jesus exists. But I had a hard time knowing what to do with the principles in the Bible. And part of that was because of my perfectionism. So I felt that, for example, it says in the Bible, do not lie. And I thought, oh, I have to uphold that principle. I cannot lie. And if people around me lie, I got upset too at them. And so because of that also, I didn't feel like I clicked with any people around me. I didn't really have a lot of friends growing up because I felt that I didn't measure up to other people's standards and let alone mine. So just a little jump in at this point. I didn't talk about this too much last week. But what I didn't realize at that time was that being a perfectionist stemmed from fear. So I was fearful about a lot of things. So fearful that I couldn't measure up. Fearful that people didn't like me. I was also worried about things in my life. For example, my classes, being good at them. I was fearful of being safe wherever I go. Or my parents being kept safe. So I want to delve in, what does the Bible say about fear? So I found this passage in the Bible that has really resonated with me. And kind of get me going through those times when worry starts to creep in and fear starts to creep in. So it's from 2 Timothy chapter 1, verse 7. So if you guys have a Bible or a virtual Bible, because now everything is virtual. Flip on over to 2 Timothy chapter 1, verse 7. Okay, I'm going to give you guys a few minutes and I'm just going to play some... I'm just going to sing some random waiting music. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Okay, so hopefully you guys have got to it. 2 Timothy chapter 1, verse 7. What does it say? For God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind. Wow, so that spirit of fear that I had growing up. And that fear that was the root cause of many of my perfectionist thoughts. That was not what God had given me. He had not given me that, but he has given me and us a power, love, and a sound mind. So, who thinks that they have a sound mind when they are fearful? No one, right? Because you are doing... when you are fearful, you act out of fear, you act of trying to protect yourself. And often times that is not the way that God wants us to handle things. Okay, so now I'm going to get on back to the path and continue on with my story. So last week I ended up talking about how, you know, I had moved a lot. I moved from Singapore and then when I was 8 years old I moved to Calgary. And then I lived there for 3 years and then my parents decided to move to PEI. And I kind of ended up with saying how in PEI when I was in middle school, that was one of the toughest moments of my life. So, in middle school, there is a lot of trying to fit in, there is a lot of trying to figure out your identity and with puberty too, there is a lot of extra emotions that come into play. So when I was in middle school, I didn't really have a lot of... I didn't really have in my mind any friends. So I had people that I hung out with during lunch time, but I was always feeling very uncomfortable when I hung out with those people. Because they did a lot of things that really clashed with who I was as a person and the things that I believed with. But I was desperate at that time because I felt that, you know, I needed to be seen to have the appearance of friends. Because if I didn't, then I would be more of a loser than at that time I thought I was. So it was very difficult, it was kind of those friends that you went to school, you saw them, but they had no real relationship with you outside of school. So I also at that time was very heavily bullied. You know, I was made fun of. I still remember a lot of those situations where a lot of the bullies would kind of play on the fact that I was unlovable. And so it was funny to them that, you know, they would pretend that they liked me, but then they would think that that's funny because obviously I'm not somebody that could be loved. So, I mean, a lot of it too stemmed from just the way that I behaved around people. You know, I didn't like a lot of the same interests that the people liked. I was a lot more mature for my age. I thought about things, you know, when I had grown up and gone out of the school system. I wasn't really thinking about, you know, having fun or doing a lot of those things that kids at that age thought. And also on top of that, I carried that sense of judgment onto people. And obviously no one likes to be judged. So people stayed away from me because of that too. But it was tough. I was feeling like I had no support. You know, whenever I did talk to my parents at home, like they were a wonderful support to me, but I didn't feel like they truly understood what I was going through. So at that time, I was feeling really depressed and I would cry out to God and ask him, like, why God do I exist in this world? Like, I don't feel that I have a meaning in this world. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. Why is it that I feel like I'm all alone? And also at that time, I would say my relationship with God wasn't strong. You know, I believed he exists. And it was something that my whole family had believed in and stuff like that. But I felt that, oh, yeah, he is God. He does govern things. But he's not really interested in me as an individual. You know, he's just there. And, you know, on Sundays, we would go to church. We would sing a worship song to listen to a message. And that would make us feel better about ourselves for, you know, that Sunday. And then Monday would come along and the realities of world life and of the world would come crashing through. And it didn't seem like he had any role beyond Sunday. But at that time, I got so depressed to the point where I was thinking about suicide. And I want to be very careful with this because I know that this is a very touchy subject. I know that most people have either experienced feelings of that or they know people who have experienced feelings of that. And it's tough because oftentimes we don't know what to do with that. It's uncomfortable. It's an uncomfortable conversation. But at that time, I remember I was telling the people at school, like, oh, or the people in my classroom that, oh, like, I don't find any meaning to life. Like, I want to end my life. And it was it was very tough for me because whenever I did say those things, the people at school will kind of just brush me off. And I remember one time I told this girl about that, and she just laughed at me in the face and just, like, kept on doing what she was doing. So I felt unheard of. And at that point, that kind of made me think, oh, yeah, really, like, nobody cares about me. If I were to just, you know, leave her the next day, like, no one would even know or would even care. So I was battling with those thoughts. And just a segue here. If any one of you guys have experienced anything like that or, you know, friends who've experienced things like that, you know, it's really important to take it seriously. Because, I mean, obviously, there might be a chance that they are just kind of saying it to get attention or whatever, but we shouldn't treat it like that. We should be very serious about it and really make sure that they feel heard and try to understand where they're coming from with that. And oftentimes, we don't know what to do, and that's okay. But we need to let the people who are close to them, who they feel that they're in a relationship of trust with, to let them know about what's going on so that we can kind of work through some of these tough issues. Instead of brushing it under the carpet, like, for example, that girl in my story did. And for many years after that, I did kind of struggle with feelings of bitterness towards that girl, like feeling like, how could she do that? But later on, God did speak to me, and he told me to forgive that girl because, you know, he himself has forgiven us of many worse sins. And also, I mean, in fact, Chris kind of touched upon it when he was doing the Roman Roads two weeks ago, of the fact that all sin is equal to God. Like, if you break one commandment in the Bible, it's pretty much like you've broken them all. It's not really a degrees of sin kind of thing. So I realized also that my bitterness towards this girl was something that I had to deal with. And I did, you know, eventually it came to the realization of forgiveness for that lady. But anyways, so yeah, so that was really tough for me. But somehow, I mean, God preserved me. And now, you know, coming across that, I kind of realized that it was God who kind of protected me and prevented me from, you know, doing anything that was not wise at that time. So, you know, hurting myself or anything of that. He protected me and he prevented me from that. So that's, you know, totally glory to God on that matter. But again, you know, not everybody is able to come out of that other end unscathed. So definitely take this type of thing seriously. Okay, so now, middle school again, it was the worst time of my life. I was not, I didn't have any friends. I was, I felt worthless. I felt unhappy. All of these things. So then I went to high school. And high school was still the same kind of situation where I didn't have any friends. But there was something that happened to me in high school that did change my perspective on things. And even though my situation didn't change, my attitude on the situation changed. And that was why, you know, I still remember high school as being a moment of breakthrough and not as discouraging of a time as middle school. So there was one day I was in high school. I don't remember what grade I was in. I just remember this instance where I was in, I was at home actually. But I watched this sermon by this pastor called Joseph Prince. And he is a pastor that is from Singapore where I was born. And he has a pretty huge church. They do, like he writes books and they do broadcasting internationally. So there was this message at that time that I listened to. And the context of the message wasn't really any different from what I had listened to in the past. But for some reason it really kind of struck me and I felt that it wasn't just that I heard the message. It was that I fully understood it, if you guys know what I mean. So there is a difference between, you know, you hear the message and you agree with it. Like you think, oh yeah, that's correct. But there is a difference between that and actually knowing it and feeling it kind of resonate through you, through your whole soul. So the message that he was going on about was the fact that Jesus loves us despite all our flaws. And he wants to be in a personal relationship with us. So nothing, you know, too groundbreaking or anything that we hadn't heard before. But at that time I was like, wow, like Jesus loves me despite all of my flaws. Despite the fact that I am not the perfect girl that I try to uphold the standard of. Despite the fact that people around me seem to dislike me or seem to not want to be a part of me. That Jesus himself, the creator of heaven and earth, he doesn't want to be just a Sunday figure. He wants to be in a personal relationship with us. And he wants to be along with us every single day, every minute and every second of our day. He wants to know what's on our heart. But the flip side of it too is that he wants us to be going to him like a personal relationship. To be talking to him in our daily life. To be sharing with him our ups and downs. To praise him when we are having a breakthrough or success. And to rely on him when those times are hard. So that really resonated with me. And at that time I felt like just complete breakage of the bonds that I felt were on me. I knew then that regardless of what happened, Jesus loves me. And his love for me is greater than anything I could ever experience from any humankind. Because his love is perfect. When a human loves, there is often a bit of selfishness tossed into the mix. Or personal agenda tossed into the mix. But Jesus loves me. And the thing is, he doesn't just love me. He loves all the other people in the world. And he desires to be in a close relationship with them. So that made me think, so if Jesus loves them, how can I not love these people around me? Why am I putting my judgment and my thoughts on how Jesus governs unto people? That is not my role. Jesus loves them. And so I should. So again, that kind of broke a lot of misconceptions in my mind. It addressed a lot of my thoughts of perfectionism and why that wasn't God's plan for me. And also, kind of reconciling what I thought as a child about all these laws that God puts in the Bible. And if we think that all scripture is God-breathed and it's there for a purpose, how do you reconcile that with the fact that Jesus didn't come to fulfill the law? So actually, there is a verse in John chapter 1 verse 17 that says, The law was given by Moses, but grace and truth came by Jesus Christ. So, in the beginning, in the Old Testament of the Bible, where it talks about how God gave these Ten Commandments or these laws to Moses, He gave them to Moses to prove a point that men cannot keep these laws. No matter how hard we try, we are flawed and those laws will be broken. But when Jesus came, He took all of our sins and all our flaws and He carried it with Him to the cross. So that when He died, all those things and all that guilt died with Him. And He arose again, that's the most important part. He arose again to show that He's triumphant over it all. So, I just hope that this story encourages you. And it definitely encouraged me too when I was going over to prepare for this little talk. And if you guys want to hear what happens to me after high school, and if there is a demand for it, I would certainly love to share that with you guys. But I just wanted to kind of summarize the key points in my story right now. So, point number 1, Jesus wants to have a personal relationship with us. He's not distant and He wants to be as close to your life as you let Him. Number 2 is that He did not give us a spirit of fear. And if there is anything that stems from fear, we know that it is not from Jesus. Number 3 is that community is very important. We must not be isolated and keep to ourselves. I know some people are introverts, I mean I am definitely an introvert too. But Jesus is important, especially community with fellow believers. So that we can encourage each other and build each other up. And number 4 is that Jesus did not come to judge us. And He came to preach the message of bondages breaking and of grace. And a short definition of grace is just unmerited favour. So what we don't deserve, we get. And the next part of my story does go into more on grace. And how God has kind of unpacked what grace is for me. I hope you guys are keeping happy, safe and blessed. Until next time, bye.