'Ode to The Single Guy' Just Call Me Bard... Simpson!!!

The transcript is a humorous monologue about the differences between single guys and bachelors. It also includes some commentary on Shakespeare and the author's personal experiences. The speaker emphasizes that bachelors are more stable and purposeful, while single guys are transient and clueless. He discusses various aspects like dating, cooking, conversations, and furniture to highlight the contrasting behaviors and preferences of the two groups. The speaker encourages laughter and invites listeners to visit his blog and podcast for more content. Hi, and welcome to Mr. O's Sideway View, a blog and podcast dedicated to all those folks who aren't me. And I've noticed a surprisingly large number of people who aren't. Hmm. Anyway, I'm Mr. O, and it's time to take another Sideway View in our crazy world. Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? No, I guess I won't. Because around here, summer days really suck. I mean, they're hot, muggy, and full of bugs. Then again, what did old Shakespeare know about women? How else do you explain the fact he lived in London while his wife lived in Stratford-on-Avon, 105 miles away? On the other hand, maybe a lot. There's also the title of BARD everyone uses. Not many folks know this, but BARD is actually an acronym given to Willie by the ladies in Elizabeth's Court. It stands for Bold and Really Disgusting. If that's not the description of a married womanizer whose wife is out of town while he's out on the prowl, I don't know what is. So, now you know. All that Wild Bill was saying in Sonnet 18 when he compared women to a summer's day was that he thought they were hot. I can dig that. Then again, if London is anything like it is here, perhaps he felt they were buggy as a Microsoft operating system. What a male chauvinist. Boy, the things you learn with Mr. O around. It's truly amazing. However, lend me your ears. I come to bury Shakespeare, not to praise him. Actually, I didn't come to bury him either. Although, it was fun to paraphrase the line from Julius Caesar. For me to bury Shakespeare, I have to dig up what remains of him first. And that would be really icky. Then there'd be that whole crowd of folks who'd object to the digging up process and want to kill me. It all just gets too messy. And frankly, wouldn't get me any closer to the point at all. The thing is, I just read an article that states Shakespeare was probably a tomcat on the prowl, if that's the case. He most likely didn't write his 154 sonnets to be accurate representations of women as much as he was trying to seduce them. You probably knew this, but it sounds highly intelligent and felt really good to say. Kind of like old Willie's poetry. The thing is, guys are different. Some are bachelors on the prowl, and some are just single. Others are married guys who think it's cool to chase girls anyway. That's just sad. The less said about them, the better. Then again, I just spent a bunch of time on Shakespeare, and he's in the last group. But he's dead, famous, and highly educated people talk about him every day. So, I guess he's okay. But the rest of them, not so much. Right now, most of you are thinking, hang on a second, I was sure there were more snacks in that cabinet. Sorry, you finished them the other day during the game. Now that we've got that taken care of, you can better focus on my point. Most folks say that a single guy is a bachelor. Nope, that is a myth perpetrated by people who want you to believe it. Single guys are transient and clueless, whereas bachelors are stable and move with purpose. Look at that popular TV show. They don't call it the single guy for some very good reasons. Single guys wouldn't know where to buy long-stemmed roses, let alone be able to afford to give them away at parties. Bachelors are the ones who date six women a week. They save Wednesday nights for poker with other bachelors. This is why, even though bachelors have great jobs, neither group ever has any money. Single guy apartments are never decorated as well as houses you see on TV. Bachelors have art hanging on the walls. Single guys have posters they bought at Walmart. Funny thing though, both are prints of half-naked busty women. Although I think single guys win in this contest. I remember when I was single. I had a poster of Jessica Rabbit. My bachelor friend had a numbered framed print of the original concept art of her. He paid $500 and I paid a buck and a half. Years later, after marriage, my son tore mine and I took it down. His daughter tossed baby food at his and it cost $150 to have it restored. He was so upset he put it in the attic. His wife gave it to me. It now hangs in my basement. The single guy won. Another thing, if the show was called The Single Guy, all those girls would be in for some new taste treats. When a bachelor cooks for his date, he uses a wok, Asian peppers and secret ingredients. When a single guy cooks, he uses boxed mac and cheese. A single guy rarely even knows what the word ingredients means. Most of the single guys I've met only own one fork and he's straight out of the pot. No plate required. Can you imagine the episode toward the end of the series where the guy cooks dinner for three beautiful girls? Can't you just see him bringing a steaming pot to the table saying, Here it is, ladies. I spared no expense. It's Kraft. I hope you brought a fork along with your appetites. At the next rose ceremony, every girl who gets one would scream, And there's the big difference between bachelor and single guys when it comes to conversations. I have seen both sides of this coin up close. A bachelor can speak on many subjects. Like Mr. O, he can quote Shakespeare, talk of the theater and nature. Perhaps if you find the right one, he can even dance. Ladies, if you find a bachelor who can dance, never let him go. Because there aren't many of them and they're more endangered than any more leopards. But I digress. A single guy can speak of video games. Now, I'm a huge supporter of geek culture. But frankly, once you've heard, Yes, it takes an hour to tell the tale. But it doesn't make for good television. Of course, if they wanted really great television, it would be so cool. If in the middle of the single guy battle story, the supermodel girlfriend totally geeked out and screamed, Well, yeah, that was great. But Ben Crick has a much better weapon. Then the two of them would continue in a language no one in the audience would understand. It may not get the best ratings. But it would give nerds around the world something to hope for. I'm just saying. The last thing I want to say that's different about single guys versus bachelors is furniture. Bachelors spend time researching, looking at and purchasing furniture. Single guys don't. It's not that they don't do the research. They just don't have the furniture. As long as a single guy has a TV, a mattress and a floor, he's good. Then again, with the Internet the way it is, he doesn't need the TV anymore. He can stream on his phone. I was single once. It was a simpler time and a whole lot stupider. Thank heavens I'm married. My wife told me to say that. Thanks for listening. And I hope you laughed a lot. Stop by anytime. Open 24-7 for your smiling convenience. If you liked it, push like. Or share it with a friend. If you missed an episode, you can hear Mr. O on Apple Podcasts, Google Play Music and Spotify. Remember to subscribe so you won't miss it again. If you'd like, you can send me an email at osidewaysu at gmail dot com. That's O-H-H-S sidewaysu at gmail dot com. And remember what I always say. Laugh now. You can be crabby anytime.