Live, Laugh, Love?

The speaker shares their experiences with relationships and dating, discussing how those experiences have shaped them. They talk about seeking validation and attention, dealing with rejection, and the impact of COVID on their relationships. They also mention their attachment style and the importance of self-work. The speaker acknowledges the difficulties they have faced but emphasizes the importance of moving forward and choosing to be kind to oneself. They reflect on their past dating patterns and express that they are still learning about their preferences. Well, hello everyone, and welcome back to another episode of CC from CC. That's me. It's Tuesday. I know. It's Tuesday. If you guys didn't know, I actually just finished up my sophomore year of college. Woo! So fun. So, there, as you can imagine, wasn't an incredible amount of time to film a podcast. Not that I do not care about you guys, of course. I care so deeply, so deeply that I will be having an episode every week, regardless of who listened. But, we're back today with another episode. Live, laugh, love? Question mark, question mark. So, let's just kind of put this out here first. I have done my time. I've done my time. I really have. With love. With being in relationships. With being in whatever. And, I think, you know, it would be beneficial to talk about why this experience and why having those experiences have shaped me into the person I am today. And, the things I look for now when it comes to relationships and dating. And, just simple tips and tricks for loving yourself. Because, at the end of the day, it's you against the world. It's you for you. You're the only one who's really going to be there for you. So, let's get into it. So, obviously, as I've said and as you guys have heard on more than one previous episode, I have definitely been through the ringer. And, been on both ends of the good, the bad, and the worse when it comes to relationships. I also think that it would be really easy for me to sit here and to bitch and moan and cry and scream and throw things about how shitty I've been treated. But, it would also be unfair of me to not address the way that I have treated other people shitty. Because, it really is a balance. And, you know, hurt people hurt people. It's the truth. And, I feel like that can be the same thing, especially in today's society. And, when it comes to relationships or anything few and far between, it sucks. It sucks that you're heartbroken. I've been heartbroken many a time. Many a time. And, I hate to admit that because I'm like, oh, you didn't hurt me. You're just a man. Like, no, you hurt me because why didn't you want me the way that I wanted you? Why couldn't you be what I needed? Why was it somebody else over me? You know, it's normal to be hurt and being heartbroken is beneficial in a lot of ways. And, it has been for me over the years. So, I'm 20, soon to be 21. But, I think it's important to address the fact that I still, to this day, do not think I've ever been in love. And, let me explain what I mean by that. This is not a diss on anybody. I'm not saying I didn't have love for anybody I may have previously dated or been involved with. But, I don't think I have been in love. And, let's talk about that because that's a big thing to say. So, I would say for me in my experience, as I kind of entered my developmental years and as I got into high school, I really started to have the feeling. The feeling of, oh, I want to be loved by someone. I want to be in love. But, I didn't have an understanding of what that meant. I mean, how could I? I'm young. Couldn't drive yet. I was still trying to figure out how big certain parts of my body were going to go. You know, there's a lot of things going on. There's a lot of hormones involved. And, I really felt like I wanted that. But, what I really was wanting, I think, was the validation that comes with that. The attention. And, let's just be straight up. When I was a freshman in high school, my eyebrows were like rectangle blocks that were way too dark. The Anastasia dip brow did me so dirty. I had clear braces because I'm with an agency. And, I was like, well, I might as well get clear ones. It was just, it was not really the best look for me. But, I'm in this and I'm like, wow, I see my friends that, you know, have braces in middle school. Who, like, have little boyfriends that they get to hang out in the locker base with. And, I just don't really feel myself getting a crazy amount of attention. Or, the amount of attention that I wanted during this transitional shift. And, like, these developmental years. And, you know, middle school, I guess, is part of this as well. But, I feel like high school, for me, is like where I really developed my initial opinion and my initial beliefs about myself. And, you know, some of those beliefs were shaped by me. Some of them were shaped by others. But, a lot of them were shaped by the way that I felt people were viewing me. And, as a freshman in high school, it's pretty easy to be insecure about things because everyone's kind of finding their tribe, so to say. Actually, I don't know. Not even their tribe. Just friend groups that will fuck you over ten times and be like, oh, I didn't invite you to my birthday party. Oh, the invitation must have got lost in the mail. But, none of that happened to me. But, like I'm saying, you know, there's a lot of things going on and a lot of big feelings. And, for me, I just really wanted to have attention from guys really bad because it felt fun to me. I was like, oh, a guy has a crush on me. That's sweet. That's nice. And, this is also around the time where I started to discover what it meant to have validation and to seek validation, but also to seek validation of my body and of things like that. Because, as I said, things are changing. It's kind of weird. And, all of a sudden, it's like, oh, I have a crush on this guy and I really want him to like me back. Let me post a picture where you can kind of see my butt a little bit. Let me wear these leggings, these little Aerie Flare crossover leggings and see if he says anything. Just shit like that, you know, that feels juvenile looking back on it and hearing myself talk about it. But, in that time period, that's how it worked. It was like, oh, you would wear an outfit and then you'd be like, oh, you want a hug after school. Or, it would be a text message you would get that's like, oh, you looked really good today, blah, blah, blah, blah. Like, it just, that's how it was. That was how it worked. So, the rule in my household is that you cannot date until you're 16, which I think was completely fair. I think, in the time, I was like, oh, that's so lame. But now, I understand why and I'm quite grateful to my parents, considering the amount of crushes I had on numerous different boys in my career, for, you know, keeping me away for that long. But, I will say that I was definitely one to get my heart broken over a crush or, you know, would have friends as messengers, you know, who, like, will go and tell your crush and be like, oh, like, Callie thinks you're cute. What do you think about her? And, let's just say freshman year, I faced a lot of rejection that way. Like, I wish I could show you guys the picture. Because, was I beautiful in my own way? Sure. But, I just needed that time to, like, glow up, you know, to have, I definitely did not hit my peak in high school, I'll say that. But, I did, it got better. It got better. And, I just had to get there. But, I did have to experience a lot of crazy, crazy emotional times that really were not that big of a deal. But, to me, they were. Just because I was like, oh, rejection, don't like that. But, I think, all in all, those kind of experiences did have a shape on the way that I viewed myself and viewed the people that I ended up being in relationships with around my junior, senior year of high school. And, COVID's there, too, so it's kind of hard. And, again, we've talked about how I have this thing for dating people who live 45 minutes away. I would like to say that it has not continued, but it's partially continued, which is even funnier. But, it definitely shaped a lot of those experiences for me. And, then those experiences made me realize that I needed to do a lot of self-work. I also think it's good to recognize what my attachment style looked like during this time. And, I will say there were a lot of other things, personal things, going on in my life, as well, where I think it had an effect on my attachment style. And, I became a very anxious attachment style due to circumstance and due to the way that I associated circumstance and the way I felt about myself with the people I was pursuing or the people I was dating. All this goes to say, it happened. It all happened. I experienced a lot of things. Would I say that there are things that I would experience again just to experience having the strength to come back from them? No. There are also a lot of really awful things that I experienced at too young of an age. I mean, it's too young at any age. And, I think in regards to those things, I would have been better off if I had never had to go through them. But, I did. And, there's no time machine. You can't go back and change the past. But, you can live for the future and for your future self. And, that's what I had to do. And, I did it. And, if you are going through something or you've been through something or if something happened and it still affects you to this day, but you still wake up every day and choose to be kind and choose to not let what happened define you, I'm really proud of you. I'm really proud of you. And, in case nobody's told you recently, I love you. And, you're awesome. It takes a different kind of strength to pull yourself out of those dark places. I know. I've been there. You're doing great. Keep going. So, in high school, that really was my experience with the 45-minute man curse where I would date someone, they would live 45 minutes away, and yeah, it was just a whole hot mess express. And, I, yeah, why did I? I don't know. I can't explain it. The world works in mysterious and, honestly, completely unnecessary ways. But, things happened. Things happened. I learned more about what I like and don't like. And, I think, honestly, being the age that I am now and having the experiences under my belt that I do now, I'm still learning more about what I like and don't like. But, my difference between me now and me in high school is that I actually like myself. And, I have self-respect. So, let's talk about that. We all know what the bare minimum looks like. We know what it feels like. And, now, the bare minimum does not have that magical effect on me. Like, oh, you communicated? Okay, that's what normal adults are supposed to do or normal adults who are pursuing one another are supposed to do. Oh, you took accountability for how what you said made me feel or doing something that hurt me? Yeah, that's what normal adults are supposed to do. So, yeah, in high school, I thought it was the best thing in the world if one of my boyfriends apologized to me three days later. Like, it would be some shit like, oh, babe, man, I'm so sorry I yelled at you. Because, actually, hold on. Let me see if I can remember a real life experience. Because, I just, I need you guys to hear and know that it's okay to be embarrassed for me and at me. Okay, real life experience based on true events did happen. I'm going to set this scene for you. I am leaving school one day. And, I was driving at this point. So, I'm leaving school. I'm playing my little tunes and my little Volkswagen Beetle. I love her so much. And, I get this, I get this cool. I get this cool. And, it's my boyfriend's time. And, keep in mind, three days prior, we had gotten into this really big fight, which honestly didn't need to be a big fight. I was not a big fan of fighting, but I felt as though I had to defend myself. So, that's kind of where that came from. And, we'll get a little bit into that. But, we had gotten into this big, big, big, big, big, big, big fight. Because, he had told me that he was going to come to my graduation. He was going to be able to stay and hang out with me and my family. And, keep in mind, my family did not like this boyfriend, which they had every right to not like him whatsoever. We'll call him Craig. So, Craig calls me. And, the three days prior, oh my God, I'm getting distracted. The three days prior before that was him being like, yeah, I don't know if I can make it to your graduation anymore. And, I was trying to be understanding. I was like, oh, that really sucks. Because, you're my boyfriend, and you told me that you love me and that you wanted to be there for me in this big moment. But, now you're saying you can't be there. Like, what? And, his reasoning being, oh, well, you know, like me and the guys. And, I was like, oh. I was like, oh, okay. So, I, you know, we got into a fight about this. And, eventually, he's like, you know what? Like, whatever. Whatever. I'll be there. Fine. Can't live my life anymore, apparently. And, I'm like, okay. It's alright. I cry about it. So, this fight's over. And, I'm like, I'm like, you're right. You're totally right. I should have been more, I should have been more respectful to you and your time. And, like, I should have considered the fact that maybe you don't even want to come to see me graduate. Like, it's not even a big deal. Like, that was me. And, he was like, he was like, it's okay. It's okay. And, he was like, I just hate when you're upset at me. Like, it really, like, makes me feel like I want to, actually, I'm not going to go any further with that. Like, he was one of those. If you know what I mean, you know. If you don't, fuck you. Because, you are lucky. But, if you finished my sentence, then, yeah, you know, that was a little traumatizing. But, you know, it ended up, I was like, okay, I ended up being the one who apologized. Because, apparently, it was all my fault that I had just wanted him to go through with the promise that he made to me that he wanted to come and spend time with me and my family and see me graduate. Like, okay, sorry. My fault. Okay, so, back to the present day here. This is the three days later I'm driving. I'm listening to probably something depressing. So, he calls me, Craig. And, he says, babe, I just, I just feel so awful about our fight three days ago. Like, man, like, I just, like, yeah, yeah, you didn't think, you didn't even consider the fact that I didn't want to come to your graduation. Damn, that was cruel. And, I wish I could say that that wasn't extremely accurate. But, it is. I am still dealing with repercussions of it. But, I said, I said, oh, I said, it's okay. You know, like I said, that it was totally my fault. I didn't even consider how me inviting you to my graduation and me expecting you to uphold your promise that you made me would have made you feel. I'm sorry. So sorry, baby. And, he was like, yeah, it's okay, it's okay. He's like, we'll get through it together. Love will keep us together. He was one of those, you know. And, you know, he ended up being at my graduation. Yeah. Which was definitely something. My parents were like, okay. But, it happened. And, in that situation, it, the blame fell on me. As it always did in that relationship. And, it was always like, oh, you're attacking me. This is why you're doing this. And, because of that, that relationship shaped me to be a more careful and honestly overly sensitive person. Because, I would, you know, try to be having a normal conversation with a boyfriend after that and be like, oh, it seems like he's mad at me. Or, like, would he even want to come to this? Would he even want to come see me in this show? Like, I don't know. And, so, I would feel very confused and quite often would lash out because I would be so worried that, like, I'm doing or saying something wrong or that there's going to be an argument. And, I was always on the defense and always saying, like, I had to defend myself, even if there was nothing to defend against. I also will say, too, that because of this, I got into this really bad, it was bad, it was wrong, this really bad habit of, because of the fact that I was always on the defense, I was, I could be quite mean as a girlfriend. And, I admit to that. I could be quite mean. I lacked patience. I lacked understanding. I was always overthinking. I was always worried about things. And, granted, the boyfriends that came after that really didn't do much to help with those things. But, therapy can only do so much. And, I didn't want to be self-aware for the part that I played in those things. But, you know, now looking back on it and reflecting, I can understand where self-awareness could have come into play. But, it didn't. And, that's how it happened for me. And, I had to learn. And, you know, I'm still learning. And, I feel like sometimes, you know, I can be very, I'm very stubborn sometimes. I can be very subtle, like, you know, I want to be right. But, also, it's good to be able to admit that you're wrong and to be able to apologize. And, I'm a very empathetic person. I'm very down to earth. I'm an open book, honestly. And, I do enjoy having that vulnerability. I don't think it's something that needs to be all the time because nothing really is ever that serious. But, I think it's important to be able to do that. And, in those previous relationships, I felt like I couldn't. So, it was a lot of internal turmoil that I was dealing with. And, a lot of feelings of insecurity I was dealing with as well. And, it just did not really make for a good experience on my end, for sure. And, I'm sure probably not on their end. For the most part. For the most part. But, in a lot of ways, I was a saint. I was an angel. I was a saintly woman. Not a biblically accurate angel because that freaks me the fuck out. Like, what the F is that? But, I think I had my moments where I really was an angel. And, there were a lot of things that happened to me that I did not deserve. A lot of treatment I put up with. I received that I did not deserve. But, I did stay. And, you know, I stayed through it. And, I did learn from it. And, now, I know. Do I think I was in love? No. But, I think that somebody wanted me. And, even if it was just for a small amount of time, it meant something. That somebody wanted me. It made me feel special. That somebody wanted me. Do I think he was in love? No. I do not think he loved me at all. And, I do not think he has the capacity to love anybody but himself. That's just the singular fact of narcissism. And, it's just, yeah. I have nothing else to say about that. So, we'll move on. I also think, unfortunately, too, this was around the time where I started to equate sex with love, which isn't good. It wasn't good for me. And, it led me to a lot of really unfortunate circumstances. And, it led me to have a really severely skewed view about myself. And, I felt like I was nothing without my body or without validation for my body. And, that's no way to live. And, I'm very glad that I'm not that person anymore. Because, let me say it loud and clear. Sex does not equal love. It doesn't. And, it never will. Somebody being interested in your body does not mean that they love you. So, anyway. And, he bailed on me to hang out with his friends after we'd had it planned for a while. And, I was really upset. And, I was outside. I don't know if I was coming back from a run or if I was coming back from crying outside. Because, that's just what I needed. And, I'll never forget, my dad stopped me. And, he said, if I were you, I would never want somebody to treat me like that or do that to me. Because, that's just not right. And, I remember I did think about it. And, I was like, I mean, he's right. But, I thought I loved this person. And, I was like, okay, well, compromise is fine. But, it wasn't compromise. It was disrespect. And, it was a blatant disregard for my feelings and a lack of care. So, yeah. There's a lot more that goes into love and being in love than just having feelings toward somebody and finding that person attractive and wanting to spend time around them. Love is a commitment. And, it's deeper than I feel like what most people think. And, especially being the age that I am. And, in today's society, it feels like it becomes very surface level. And, love is more than that. To me, at least. I believe it to be more than that. It's not something I am so willing to give to just anybody. Because, it's my love. And, it's important to me. And, the way that I love is important. And, it's important that I be understood. Whether it's physically, mentally, or just being there to sit in shared silence and being able to have someone understand that sometimes I don't have much to say. I just want to be there and be in the moment. But, I did learn a lot about myself, honestly, from that part of my journey and from that part of my life. And, you know, it's lots of things that I'll carry with me, you know. Like, until the day I die or until the day that I find the one, you know. It's just a lot happened. And, I learned. And, I experienced. And, I cried. And, I laughed. I lived. And, I laughed. And, I don't know if I loved. But, I'm very grateful that I had the opportunity to try. So, it does mean something. So, that being said, now that I sit. And, obviously, as I reflect, as I do, you know, I love to reminisce. I love to yearn. But, as I sit here, and honestly, as I kind of just hear myself go through this and talk about these things again, it is a really nice reminder of the basic principles that I've learned along the way. So, let's talk about those, shall we? So, the first one I can think of that comes to mind is don't pay attention to what they say to you. Pay attention to what they show you. Because, anybody can say anything they want to you, but without the actions to back it up, it means absolutely nothing. This is one that I hate, hate, hate to say that I have struggled with, but I have. Because, you know, it's nice when people say nice things to you. Or, call you pretty. Or, say that, you know, they would love to do this and that with you. But, the proof is in the pudding. And, if that man don't even have pudding mix, if he don't got a mixer, if he is living in a room that only exists on navy bed sheets and a gray comforter and some dirty socks on the floor and probably another woman's bra somewhere, it's not going to happen. And, I've learned this the hard way. I really have. Piggybacking off of that, I think the phrase, if he wanted to, he would, can sometimes be a little bit inaccurate depending on situations. But, it honestly is kind of the golden rule in general with anyone and not even just in heterosexual or heteronormative relationships. Like, this goes for anything. This goes for friendships as well. Like, if people want to do something, they will. And, if they're not, then they really don't want you that bad. I can assure you, and you will be okay. Because, there are people who will move ends of the earth for you without you even having to say anything. There are people out there that you will not have to beg to do these things. They will want to do them on their own accord. And, you don't even have to be involved. And, those are the kind of people that you want in your life because those are the people that want to love you fully and are able to receive your love fully as well and to appreciate it. Which brings me to my next point. Stay single until somebody can appreciate you and appreciate the reasons why you have been single for this long period of time. And, this is something that's very big for me because I'm very big, especially in the last, like, eight months, nine months, I've been very, very, very adamant on working on myself and figuring my shit out so that I don't have to go into a relationship feeling like I have to change myself or I have to consistently be bettering myself. Why not start at a good place and go from there? So, I'm very, very insistent on if you cannot understand why I have been single, if you do not recognize the fact that I am a high-value woman, I expect a lot. I don't expect perfection, but I expect to be respected. I expect to be your equal. And, I expect to be appreciated and cherished. And, if you can't do that, you're holding the line up. You are. Simply put. Simply put. Which also brings me to another point. I do not believe in the right person, wrong time. Because, if it's the right person, the time will never be wrong. Genuinely. And, I have also learned this the hard way. I've also been hit with the bullshit of, like, yeah, I just, like, don't think this is working now. Like, maybe in the future. Like, no. If it's not working now, cool. I wish you the best. Or, I wish you the best with whoever you're also talking to on top of trying to speak with me. I'm not a choice. I'm not an option. I'm not going to wait around for you to weigh the pros and cons between two, obviously, very different, but two very beautiful in their own ways women. I'm not going to sit around and wait for you to do that. If I'm not your first choice, then why would I choose you? Why do I want you in my life? So, you know. Obviously, I feel very strongly about a lot of these things. But, you know, it's just, they're, it's true. These are, like, the basic principles. And, also, it's important to say that if you don't love yourself, you can't love somebody else. Because, I mean, for me, when I experienced this kind of thing, it's like, I didn't like myself, so I thought that the person that I was in a relationship with also thought that about me, which caused issues. And that was my fault, because I wasn't aware. I didn't want to be aware of that yet. And now that I am, it's helpful. It's helpful to know things. It's helpful to know yourself better than you did. And that's also a part of growing up, too, and getting older and experiencing real life. And, you know, being in college and living in an apartment in a big city that's several states away from where I'm from and learning more about myself and my friendships and money and my relationship to the world and the world's relationship to me and how it all works. And, you know, there's just a lot of things I can say. But it's important to know these things. It's important to be aware of yourself and be aware of what you bring to the table. Because if you don't love you, if you don't know you, and if you treat yourself like shit in your own head, people are going to treat you like shit. Law of Manifestation. It's true. Anything you want, you can have it, but the more you think something about yourself, the more you think about something happening, the more likely it is to occur. So, yeah. Alright, so it seems like this about brings us to present day. So, I've said a lot. I've said a lot about this and about living and laughing, and I think there are a lot of things I can laugh about now. A lot of things that were quite silly that I went through that now I'm like, oh, that's really funny. That was really funny of me. I will say that now, for me, which, you know, it's important to be transparent, I wouldn't say that I'm at a spot where I have a completely secure attachment. I think for the most part, my attachment style is very secure. But, it's kind of, the tables have turned, because I can sometimes be a little bit avoidant, and if you're familiar with these styles, or if you're not familiar, get familiar, because everybody has one. There are many different kinds that have subcategories, and everybody fits into one. And it can change. It also can vary and change depending upon the relationship. And, you know, it's always the goal to work to get to a place of secure attachment. So, when I do find myself in a relationship, I'll be able to have that secure attachment and be able to be happy and not be so worried all the time and have clear skin and not break out, because I'm like, what is he doing? Is he out cheating? Yeah. But I think sometimes now I can be a little bit avoidant, which sucks. I'm not going to say it's a setback, but I think it sucks a little bit, and I've been doing a lot of things in my personal life to kind of open myself back up again to that vulnerability and to be open to emotions and to get back that groundedness that I have always had since I was little. And, you know, I'm working on it. It's always a work in progress, and you have to wake up every day and choose yourself, and consistency is key. You guys know this. I've probably said it in every single episode I've had so far, which means that it's important, and you should probably listen to it. But, that being said, you know, I'm working on it. And that's okay, because this is where I'm at. I'm showing up today where I'm at, and I'm aware, I'm accountable for the way that I'm operating now, and I'm accountable and responsible for the path that I'm taking to move me back to a more center and aligned secure attachment. And that's great. I'm proud of myself. I hope that if this episode has taught you anything, it's that you should dump your boyfriend. If your boyfriend's a loser, dump him. Get a new one. Get a new one. There are plenty of fish in the sea. That one fish that you have that's like this ugly trout mouth, I can't even say the rest of what I want to say. But, just know that if you're in a relationship right now, and it sucks, this is your life. You can walk away. You can choose better. You can choose better. You can say no to settling, and never settle. Never, ever, ever, ever, ever settle. Doesn't matter how much you like the person, don't settle. Because there's someone out there who is your perfect match. I don't know about soulmates, maybe. Maybe your soulmate. But, never let your boyfriend stop you from finding your husband. Alright, well, that about does it for today's episode. Thank you so much for joining me, even though a day late. Of course, as always, I'm going to link all the little thingies in the little thingy. And I will see you guys back here next week for another episode, and maybe a better microphone and better sound quality. Who knows? I'm on a rampage. Alright, bye.