The KittyCrinkle Show Ep. 5 Dump-lings

Kitty Crinkle, come here. Ooh, sexy sexy. Yes. Very sexy indeed. Kitty Crinkle, which one should I choose? I want to choose this one, cuz it's sexy, but the other one is sexier. Which one should I choose? I'm stuck here, dammit. Choose the sexier one, I guess. Hello? No, Taylor Swift, I will not have sex with you. No. Lose this number now. Kitty Crinkle, you think you could pay for this? Why me? Well, I left my wallet at home. Also, my dog is gonna be really pissed if I don't have the dress. He thinks it's sexy. Fine, I'll pay. Just, just don't pay me back, okay? Kitty Crinkle, you are the best boyfriend ever. Yeah, that's great. I'm gonna go into James Gunn shop now, okay? Okay, but watch out for that gay guy. He may eat your ass. Hey, Kitty Crinkle. Oh, hey, Judge Kim. What are you doing here? Well, I'm just here doing stuff. What kind of stuff? You know, just stuff. Okay, bye, Kitty Crinkle. Hello. Have you seen my sandwich? No, madam. That's what you get, bitch. I think I'm in love. I think I'm in love. I think I'm in love. I think I'm in love. I think I'm in love. I think I'm in love. I think I'm in love. I think I'm in love. I think I'm in love. I think I'm in love. I think I'm in love. I think I'm in love. I think I'm in love. I think I'm in love. I think I'm in love. I think I'm in love. I think I'm in love. I think I'm in love. I think I'm in love. I think I'm in love. I think I'm in love. I think I'm in love. I think I'm in love. I think I'm in love. I think I'm in love. I think I'm in love. I think I'm in love. Jordan, are you watching porn on the work computer? Yep, just watching myself some good ol' sex tapes. You might get fired for this. Just a warning, pal. Oh sure, like there's gonna be an announcement about how they're banning porn on work computers. This is an announcement. We are banning porn on work computers. Dammit. Today at 5-0, we will be checking the computers to see if there's any porn. And if you think you can delete it in your history, guess what? We made it so we can't. Anyone who has porn on the computer will be fired immediately. And it's like, I just can't stop thinking about Judge Kim. She's like, so hot and she can't leave my mind. But I'm dating Michelle, but I don't really feel like I really like her. So why don't you just tell Michelle how you feel? I can't. I remember what happened to her ex-boyfriend Jonathan. He's not dead. He's in Nigeria. Same thing. Jordan, what happened? Kitty, you've gotta help me. They're gonna find porn on my computer. So? So, I'll get fired. I can't go back to working at the massage area. I'm not shaving Raymond's feet again. Okay, I'll be right over. I'll be right back, Kitty Krinkles. I gotta go help Jordan. Wait. What? How much are the chicken nuggets at Burger King? Okay, Jordan, I'm here. Kitty, can I trust you to wipe the porn off my work computer? Of course. We're childhood friends. I'd do anything for you. Okay. Playtime's over. Wipe off the porn. Work your magic. Also, be fast. The best will get on my ass if he sees you. He'll also sniff my ass, which is gay. Oh, hello, Jordan. Who is this? Oh, her? That's just my intern. Mm-hmm. And what's this lady's name? Oh, uh. How very nice to meet you. Oh, uh. Oh, no. My name is Katie. Okay, Jordan. Show young Katie here the ways, okay? Okay, ma'am. Okay, good. Let me go home and beat my sons. Well, she seemed nice. Michelle, I love you, but you're too ugly. No, not that. She's not ugly. Michelle, I think we should see other people. No, she shouldn't see other people that aren't me. Goddamn it. This is too hard. Stop mocking me, you dumber bird. Kitty Crinkle, what are you doing? You've left this nice gentleman waiting. Sorry, mister. Uh, uh, what's your name? Uh, Sullivan, sir. Ah, yes. Mr. Sullivan. Kitty Crinkle, I understand the pain. What? You know, I was friends with a celebrity once. Yes, I experienced the celebrity life. Kitty Crinkle, I know your celebrity hands must be extremely tired, and I, oh, so understand that, but this nice gentleman Sullivan wants some ice cream. So serve him that, okay? Okay. First of all, my hands are fine. And second of all, leave me alone. I will serve this nice man his well-deserved ice cream. Do well now. Here's your ice cream. Thanks, sir, but I'm afraid you've wasted my time. Next time that happens, I-I will be suing you. Goodbye, sir. Damn. I need a break. Hey, mister, can I take the rest of the day off? Sure, but be back tomorrow. We really need to discuss this celebrity hands problem. Right now, I'm gonna tell you what I told my manager billions of times. Screw you, die, and go to hell. Oh, yeah. I don't think I mentioned I was a diva. Okay. All I need to do is go up to Michelle and simply tell her I want to break up with her. She'll understand, right? Hey, Katie. Hey, Kitty Crinkle. Um, we need to talk. Okay. You okay? I just got off the phone with my mother. Kitty Crinkle, my brother is dead. Your brother died? Yes, and it's sad because we had a great relationship. We argued about whether Star Wars or Star Trek was better. Obviously, it's Star Wars. In my opinion, Star Trek is a ripoff. Well, right now I'm gonna go home and sad cook. But don't you have work? Screw work right now. Jayden's there anyway. Katie, what are you doing? You're supposed to be getting rid of my porn, not doing some office work BS. Um, I think that's the whole point of an office job. Can you please just wipe off my porn? Fine. Holy crap, how much porn did you watch? A little too much. More than anyone's ever watched. Jordan, I won't be able to do this in one day. Please, I can't get fired. Remember the shaving feet story? Fine, I'll do my pizzazz. Work my magic. Whatever. Oh, thanks Katie. I'll go get us a coffee, okay? This is why I never got an office job. Maybe my manager can give me some advice. How's it going, Kitty Crinkle? Manager, I need some advice. See, I have a girlfriend, but I have a crush on another girl. What do I do? Well, I'm not the best at giving advice, but I can give you a suggestion. Oh, okay. Date the one you like. Date the one you like. Phone call over. Wait. Do you know the price of Italian hamburgers at Wendy's? Ugh, leave me alone, Kitty Crinkle. You're not going back to your celebrity life. How much porn have you wiped off? About 10% so far. 10%? Come on, Katie, that's not enough. They're checking our computers at 5 o'clock. It's only 3. Actually, it's 3.30. Who cares? Just help me. Work your magic, whatever. I'm trying as hard as I can. Jordan, what do you want from me? I want you to wipe off all the porn off my computer and make it snappy. Also, do you think you could remove the naked picture I have of you? You have a naked picture of me? Did I say you? Oh, no, no, no. Michelle. The naked pictures I have of Michelle. It better not be of me, or you and I are gonna have serious problems. I usually like baddies, but damn. Okay, simply go up to Michelle and tell her I don't want her. Michelle, I... Oh, hey, Kitty Crinkle. They're sad dumplings. Let me tell you, they may have tears in them. They're sad dumplings. Damn. Okay, Jordan. I've wiped off 50% of the porn on your computer. Thanks, Kitty. Hello, Jordan. How are you and your little apprentice doing? Actually, I prefer the word intern. And she's doing great. She's been learning the ways, and she'll be a great-ass worker. Mm-hmm. She better be. Oh, by the way, in 40 minutes, we'll be checking all work computers. Well, don't worry. You won't see porn on my computer. Mm-hmm. I better not. Wipe off more porn now. Michelle, I don't know if this is a bad time to tell you, but... Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait. Okay. Yes? Michelle, I don't think this is working out. We need to break up. Wait. What the hell are... It's not you. It's me. Okay, fine. It's you. But this isn't really working out. We're not meant for each other. I sort of have a crush on someone else. Okay, that's fine. Really? You're not pissed or upset or anything? No, no, I'm fine. Maybe we do need to see other people. Great. I'm glad we can figure it all out. Have you got off all the porn? Jordan, I don't know what happened, but all your porn is back now. What? Aw, Katie, no. I can't shave this guy's feet again. You gotta get off all the porn by at least 4.59. It's only 4.45 right now. Come on, Katie. Are you just gonna let your best friend have a low dead-end job? Actually, I think I do know somewhere all the porn can go. Hello, Jordan. Hello, Katie. Hello, Mrs. Agate. No porn on the work computers, I hope. No, Mrs. Agate. Just clean work and success. Will you please leave us alone now? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I'll be back at 5 o'clock for computer check-up, and there better not be any porn. What? Okay, I'll admit, maybe I was a little wrong about her being nice. Hi, Judge Kim. Um, hi. Kitty Crinkle, right? You were the judge when I got sued by that dumb Brit, remember? Um, no. When was that again? Anyway, I've been chilling a little, getting forced to live a normal life. And when I take walks with Jordan, I've been noticing you. And, well, I was wondering if you could answer my question. What is it, Kitty Crinkle? How much are the triple Big Macs in McDonald's over there? About $56.84. Thanks, but I just wanted to ask if you wanted to go, um, get some ice cream? Sure, why not? Awesome. Wait. What? Aren't you the guy that was masturbating at my dinner table last week? ... Katie, did you wipe the porn off the computer? Yes, I should have. Oh, hello, Jordan. Ready for your 5 o'clock computer check? Yes, yes I am. Get ready to be amazed by how much porn that's not on my computer. Um, didn't you say that there's no porn on your computer? Yeah, why do you ask? There is porn on your computer. Katie, what the hell? I thought you wiped off all the porn? Oh, I must have wiped off all the corn files. Oh my God. Jordan, I'm afraid we're gonna have to fire you for this. No, you're not. What? I am one of the best workers you've ever had. Unlike Joey, who you never fired, I have over a million terabytes of porn on this computer. Jordan. And hey, feel free to stop speaking in that fake Indian accent. I know you have a Canadian accent. Damn it. Also, did you think I didn't see your OnlyFans page? Well, I did. So, what are you gonna do about it? Work starts at 7 tomorrow. Hello? Yeah, that's what I thought. Well, Jordan, sorry I didn't wipe all the porn off the computer, but you did give a pretty kick-ass speech. Thanks, Katie. Now let's go home and watch some porn. Yeah, no. And then I told him, you're gonna have to pay $50 for me to give you $50. Ha ha. Mm-hmm. Judge Kim, you're not laughing. To be honest, Tippy Crinkle, it's not that funny. What? Come on. Aren't you enjoying this date? I am. But why are you calling it a date? Because I want to ask you a question. First, how do you get the secret hamburger at McDonald's? That's just a special ad they send to rich people's or celebrities' e-mails because they want your money. Thanks. Also, I wanted to say, I've seen you around a lot of places, and I think you're really cute. I recently broke up with my girlfriend Michelle, and I've been thinking of nobody else but you. That's why I want to ask, Judge Kim, will you be my girlfriend? Oh, God. Look, Tippy Crinkle, I think you're a great friend, and I've been enjoying this date, but I'm married. Yo, you're married? Yes, and as much as I'd love to date you, I really love my husband. I'm sorry, Tippy Crinkle, but after we finish this hangout, we can do that. No, no thanks. Hey, Michelle. Hey, Tippy Crinkle. I'm sorry that our breakup made you think that. There are tears in your eyes. Listen, I only dumped you so that I could date Judge Kim, and it turns out that she has a husband. So, what's your point? The point is that we should get back together. Look, Tippy Crinkle, I enjoyed the two weeks we dated. Really, I did. But you broke up with me just to date some judge who is already married. I'm sorry, but I would love to start over. Look, Tippy Crinkle, you were the best boyfriend I ever had, and I will never forget all the fun we had, but I think we should just stay friends. Yeah, maybe we should. I love you, Tippy Crinkle. Yeah, I love you too. Oh.